Failure
I Just Didn't Know43 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= Really good story, with a super end hook! You have the reader wanting to know what plans they'll conjure.
= Excellent story for the prompt. Good luck in the contest, my friend.
<> You've come a long way with your SPAG. Nice job. (*<*)
<> When you use =said= followed by dialogue, it is considered a dialogue tag, so you must use a comma ... not period.
= Karen snapped out of her reverie when Charlotte said(,)[.] "Karen, would you
=SUGGESTION= I would take it a step farther to omit using =Karen= twice so close together.
= Charlotte snapped her friend from daydreaming when she said, "Karen, would you like another coffee?"
<> There are exceptions, BUT, Most of the time--rule of thumb.
==> If =that= would fit where you want to put a COMMA--rule of thumb--you don't need the comma.
=If THAT would fit= before we go to the Italian restaurant you suggested for our
==> But, if you were to use =which= most times--rule of thumb--USE comma.
=WHICH= before we go to the Italian restaurant, which you suggested for our
<> Delete =WAS THAT= excess/fluff verbiage.
<> Watch out when using PASSIVE PHRASES using ... WAS ... stop and rewrite.
<> Also, watch out using =WAS= to close together.
<> Same goes with =THE=
<> When you find yourself DUPLICATING any word close together .... STOP ... and try rewriting the sentence.
=YOURS=
= "Well, the next thing I knew, was that Martin was talking me into to giving him the shortfall of the thirty odd thousand.
=SUGGEST= (By rewriting, I deleted =WAS= twice. Also =THE= once.
"Well, the next thing I knew, Martin talked me into to giving him a shortfall of the thirty odd thousand.
<> DELETE comma.
= He pointed out[,] what a great benefit it would
<> One form of =What then= is enough in this short passage. TWO is superfluous. SUGGEST removing the first one.
= ["But, what then?"] Karen took a gulp of her wine. "What on earth did you do then?"
<> I suggest tweaking the end by using the prompt in the sentence.
=YOURS=
Karen drained her glass. "Come on, Charlotte, time to eat and make plans. Dinner's on me!"
=SUGGEST=
Karen drained her glass. "Well, it's clear you just didn't know anything, Charlotte. Come on, it's time to eat and make plans. Dinner's on me!"
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Hi, Ulla
= Really good story, with a super end hook! You have the reader wanting to know what plans they'll conjure.
= Excellent story for the prompt. Good luck in the contest, my friend.
<> You've come a long way with your SPAG. Nice job. (*<*)
<> When you use =said= followed by dialogue, it is considered a dialogue tag, so you must use a comma ... not period.
= Karen snapped out of her reverie when Charlotte said(,)[.] "Karen, would you
=SUGGESTION= I would take it a step farther to omit using =Karen= twice so close together.
= Charlotte snapped her friend from daydreaming when she said, "Karen, would you like another coffee?"
<> There are exceptions, BUT, Most of the time--rule of thumb.
==> If =that= would fit where you want to put a COMMA--rule of thumb--you don't need the comma.
=If THAT would fit= before we go to the Italian restaurant you suggested for our
==> But, if you were to use =which= most times--rule of thumb--USE comma.
=WHICH= before we go to the Italian restaurant, which you suggested for our
<> Delete =WAS THAT= excess/fluff verbiage.
<> Watch out when using PASSIVE PHRASES using ... WAS ... stop and rewrite.
<> Also, watch out using =WAS= to close together.
<> Same goes with =THE=
<> When you find yourself DUPLICATING any word close together .... STOP ... and try rewriting the sentence.
=YOURS=
= "Well, the next thing I knew, was that Martin was talking me into to giving him the shortfall of the thirty odd thousand.
=SUGGEST= (By rewriting, I deleted =WAS= twice. Also =THE= once.
"Well, the next thing I knew, Martin talked me into to giving him a shortfall of the thirty odd thousand.
<> DELETE comma.
= He pointed out[,] what a great benefit it would
<> One form of =What then= is enough in this short passage. TWO is superfluous. SUGGEST removing the first one.
= ["But, what then?"] Karen took a gulp of her wine. "What on earth did you do then?"
<> I suggest tweaking the end by using the prompt in the sentence.
=YOURS=
Karen drained her glass. "Come on, Charlotte, time to eat and make plans. Dinner's on me!"
=SUGGEST=
Karen drained her glass. "Well, it's clear you just didn't know anything, Charlotte. Come on, it's time to eat and make plans. Dinner's on me!"
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Thank a lot Jax, sorry for the late answer. I have taken it all on board and made quite some editing. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Ginger Banks
I like your short story; carries you to all the emotions and back again. The reader comes to the end wanting to put themselves in with the two women to help do a little of that "planning". Hopefully to expose and rake the guy over the coals so bad he won't see or hear from any woman for at thirty-five years to life! Thank you for sharing your story. Two SPaGs:
"Charlotte sat [ set ] the coffee mug... "
"... best of friendS [ friends ]. The moment... "
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I like your short story; carries you to all the emotions and back again. The reader comes to the end wanting to put themselves in with the two women to help do a little of that "planning". Hopefully to expose and rake the guy over the coals so bad he won't see or hear from any woman for at thirty-five years to life! Thank you for sharing your story. Two SPaGs:
"Charlotte sat [ set ] the coffee mug... "
"... best of friendS [ friends ]. The moment... "
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thanks a lot for the great review and pointing out the spag. All the best. Ulla:)))
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You're welcome.
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Ulla, how many times does this scam take place. It is amazing how these men can find these women. I would never think about doing something like that. Of course I have come across the female version of these men. I was just one step ahead and it always helps to have a son that is a police officer.
Well created drama and the dialogue keeps this sad story moving,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Ulla, how many times does this scam take place. It is amazing how these men can find these women. I would never think about doing something like that. Of course I have come across the female version of these men. I was just one step ahead and it always helps to have a son that is a police officer.
Well created drama and the dialogue keeps this sad story moving,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Hi Jim, you are so right. It is certainly not only men who do things like that. Fortunately I've never come across it. Thanks a lot for your great review. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from MTF1955
I wish I had six stars. That was a great story. The conversation between the friends I felt I was right there eavesdropping and sympathizing with Charlotte. Haven't we all been duped at one time or another. Mary
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I wish I had six stars. That was a great story. The conversation between the friends I felt I was right there eavesdropping and sympathizing with Charlotte. Haven't we all been duped at one time or another. Mary
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thanks so much. Thanks for your virtual six. I'm glad you liked the story. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Ulla. I entered a contest like this about ten years ago. I think it was called "Sentence starts the story" if I am not mistaken. I won it too with a thing in my port called "Fire and Ice" LOL.
I think you are allowed to add a few words onto the opener, aren't you? Like make this "I didn't know what I was getting into when I let my eyes wander round the busy cafe." No? Well then add it on, because your opening needs better transition, I think. Perhaps:
""I didn't know what I was getting into. Why I allowed my actions take over after my eyes wandered etc....etc.
Unfortunately, you have a bad start here because you are using two opposite "tenses" in the first few lines. Here: PAST TENSE: "I didn't know what I
WAS (past tense) getting into. Here, PRESENT TENSE (happening now): " Charlotte let her eyes wander round the busy cafe. It was always like this on a Friday afternoon,...etc.
I only mention this because it is in the very beginning and will shoot your entry down before you even get the story out. (sorry)
It is a good story, and could win. You just need to polish it in some places. Blessings and Good Luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Hi, Ulla. I entered a contest like this about ten years ago. I think it was called "Sentence starts the story" if I am not mistaken. I won it too with a thing in my port called "Fire and Ice" LOL.
I think you are allowed to add a few words onto the opener, aren't you? Like make this "I didn't know what I was getting into when I let my eyes wander round the busy cafe." No? Well then add it on, because your opening needs better transition, I think. Perhaps:
""I didn't know what I was getting into. Why I allowed my actions take over after my eyes wandered etc....etc.
Unfortunately, you have a bad start here because you are using two opposite "tenses" in the first few lines. Here: PAST TENSE: "I didn't know what I
WAS (past tense) getting into. Here, PRESENT TENSE (happening now): " Charlotte let her eyes wander round the busy cafe. It was always like this on a Friday afternoon,...etc.
I only mention this because it is in the very beginning and will shoot your entry down before you even get the story out. (sorry)
It is a good story, and could win. You just need to polish it in some places. Blessings and Good Luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Good for you that you won. I'm so pleased. No I'm not allowed to add anything to the sentence. It's dialoque but I've made that clearer for everybody to understand and I hope you can see that as well. I honestly can't see there is a tense problem. Ulla
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Okeee dokeee. Good Luck, Ulla.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
I actually know someone that happened to. Very sad as she had children, and he hammed it up for them, too.
Your story is well written and flowed beautifully. You added the right amount of suspense, and then, well, we all found out what happened. Poor girl.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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I actually know someone that happened to. Very sad as she had children, and he hammed it up for them, too.
Your story is well written and flowed beautifully. You added the right amount of suspense, and then, well, we all found out what happened. Poor girl.
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much Rhonda, All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from robyn corum
Ulla,
My, how I wish this were entirely fiction, but I'm afraid this sort of thing goes on all the time. I'm glad the lady at least had a good friend she could go to to confide in AND that he didn't bleed her completely dry. *smile* See? Even though it's fiction, you made me care. hahahaha!
A couple of notes, if I may? Just some tiny things I noticed as I read:
1.) Karen was the best of friend(s)
2.) He was short of a few thousand (p)ounds
3.) So what went so terribl(y) wrong?"
4.) Naive and lovesick as I (was), I handed him the money
5.) For the first time(,) Charlotte showed (a/some) sign of emotion as tears filled her eyes.
6.) well known in the world of antiques, albeit with a different (last) name,
7.) He's committed bigamy twice (before me), and after cheating his 'wives'
Of course, you may not agree with these - or all of them. Feel free to chuck the lot! *smile* Goods luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Ulla,
My, how I wish this were entirely fiction, but I'm afraid this sort of thing goes on all the time. I'm glad the lady at least had a good friend she could go to to confide in AND that he didn't bleed her completely dry. *smile* See? Even though it's fiction, you made me care. hahahaha!
A couple of notes, if I may? Just some tiny things I noticed as I read:
1.) Karen was the best of friend(s)
2.) He was short of a few thousand (p)ounds
3.) So what went so terribl(y) wrong?"
4.) Naive and lovesick as I (was), I handed him the money
5.) For the first time(,) Charlotte showed (a/some) sign of emotion as tears filled her eyes.
6.) well known in the world of antiques, albeit with a different (last) name,
7.) He's committed bigamy twice (before me), and after cheating his 'wives'
Of course, you may not agree with these - or all of them. Feel free to chuck the lot! *smile* Goods luck in the contest!
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Hi Robyn, I know, it does happen doesn't it? Done the corrections. Glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Ric Myworld
The first thing that comes to mind for me is, Charlotte might very well be conning Karen. I mean, a free lunch is a free lunch. LOL! I've been suckered a few times in life, but they would be shocked to know that I was on to them from the beginning. All's well that ends well, they got what they wanted, and, so did I. A perfect scenario. Thanks for another fine story. :-)
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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The first thing that comes to mind for me is, Charlotte might very well be conning Karen. I mean, a free lunch is a free lunch. LOL! I've been suckered a few times in life, but they would be shocked to know that I was on to them from the beginning. All's well that ends well, they got what they wanted, and, so did I. A perfect scenario. Thanks for another fine story. :-)
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thanks a lot Ric. No Charlotte is genuine. I se what you mean though. Thanks for a great review. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from JP49
Gripping story. I wanted it to go on. What plans will they make? How will they get their revenge? This piece of writing keeps the reader interested all the way through. Lovely. Good luck for the competition.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Gripping story. I wanted it to go on. What plans will they make? How will they get their revenge? This piece of writing keeps the reader interested all the way through. Lovely. Good luck for the competition.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for this great review. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good story. Some problems with commas, but well written otherwise.
One BIG mistake that will disqualify you, though. THe contest instructions say this:
Write a story that starts with the sentence: 'I didn't know what I was getting into.' Your story must start with the sentence above.
Your story must START with those words. You'll want to change it. :)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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Good story. Some problems with commas, but well written otherwise.
One BIG mistake that will disqualify you, though. THe contest instructions say this:
Write a story that starts with the sentence: 'I didn't know what I was getting into.' Your story must start with the sentence above.
Your story must START with those words. You'll want to change it. :)
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
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I know Phyllis, the sentence disappeared in the pasting. It is there now. While you wrote I was re-instating it. Phew, Thanks a lot. Oh, The commas are my bane. Beats me. All best. Ulla:)))
