Playa de los Muertos
What would you do if you only had ten months to live?38 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
This was nicely done, Sis Cat...on reading towards the end, I slowly realised the outcome, and after reading your author's note I experienced the emotional attachment from its concept.
You created joy through expression and wording, so much like your character. Good elaborate imagery, and a joy to read...under the circumstances...a celebration of life.
A couple of things that may assist you in future , on the whole when writing prose or more exact...story.
''Some people will not believe she did it unless they saw the video. I resolved to film her air dance.'' I would use ''would'' or ''may'' instead of ''will'' more coinciding with ''did''
Try to use more conjunctions so to run your sentences on.
(Used to indicate that something happens during the time when something else is taking place)
I noticed a couple full stops where it would have been better to ease into the whole as one otherwise you end up with more of a report style suited to documentary, rather than the flow of prose.
Example of one such;
''A celestial cord connected the parachute to the motorboat. The boat zoomed. The parachute unfurled. Gina rose above Playa de los Muertos. She became a human kite. Seagulls flew past her. My iPhone snapped pictures and filmed. Gina is going on a test flight of heaven. ''
There you see, even if you wanted to create action...there are too many full stops.
Could read something like...but leaving it to you as the author's judgement and vision must always be respected.
''A celestial cord connected the parachute to the motorboat as the boat zoomed. The parachute unfurled. Gina rose above Playa de los Muertos as she became a human kite. Seagulls flew past her whilst my iPhone snapped pictures and filmed. Gina is going on a test flight of heaven.''
There are other variations. Hope you see my vision.
This is something to look at for future and does not take away or change my decision for the sixth star.
Beautiful write.
Have a great day.
RGstar
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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This was nicely done, Sis Cat...on reading towards the end, I slowly realised the outcome, and after reading your author's note I experienced the emotional attachment from its concept.
You created joy through expression and wording, so much like your character. Good elaborate imagery, and a joy to read...under the circumstances...a celebration of life.
A couple of things that may assist you in future , on the whole when writing prose or more exact...story.
''Some people will not believe she did it unless they saw the video. I resolved to film her air dance.'' I would use ''would'' or ''may'' instead of ''will'' more coinciding with ''did''
Try to use more conjunctions so to run your sentences on.
(Used to indicate that something happens during the time when something else is taking place)
I noticed a couple full stops where it would have been better to ease into the whole as one otherwise you end up with more of a report style suited to documentary, rather than the flow of prose.
Example of one such;
''A celestial cord connected the parachute to the motorboat. The boat zoomed. The parachute unfurled. Gina rose above Playa de los Muertos. She became a human kite. Seagulls flew past her. My iPhone snapped pictures and filmed. Gina is going on a test flight of heaven. ''
There you see, even if you wanted to create action...there are too many full stops.
Could read something like...but leaving it to you as the author's judgement and vision must always be respected.
''A celestial cord connected the parachute to the motorboat as the boat zoomed. The parachute unfurled. Gina rose above Playa de los Muertos as she became a human kite. Seagulls flew past her whilst my iPhone snapped pictures and filmed. Gina is going on a test flight of heaven.''
There are other variations. Hope you see my vision.
This is something to look at for future and does not take away or change my decision for the sixth star.
Beautiful write.
Have a great day.
RGstar
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Thank you, RGstar, for your generous, six star review and suggestions. I have corrected "will" to "would." As for the full stops, the lines are as I read and performed them at the memorial service. I intended the story to be read and heard. Thank you for your review of my story.eulogy which celebrated my cousin's life.
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As for this piece, I understand about the full stops but going forward would be food for thought.
Well done, friend.
RG
Comment from Ulla
Hi Andre, what a poignant story about the last few months before her death. Your cousin had the ride of her lifetime, and she is on another one now in another dimension. It was so beautifully written so it brought tears to my eyes. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Hi Andre, what a poignant story about the last few months before her death. Your cousin had the ride of her lifetime, and she is on another one now in another dimension. It was so beautifully written so it brought tears to my eyes. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Oh, thank you, Ulla, for your generous, six star review. Yes, my cousin went on a ride of her lifetime. I am hearted that her story brought you tears. Thanks.
Comment from LaRosa
What an awesome memorial remembrance. From Myan to Rwandan mythology, to the visually descriptive beauty of both natural and created art, you have drawn a fascinating picture of a special lady full of life. She must have been a wonderful person to elicit such beauty in your soul. Can't imagine a better way to honor her. Well done!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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What an awesome memorial remembrance. From Myan to Rwandan mythology, to the visually descriptive beauty of both natural and created art, you have drawn a fascinating picture of a special lady full of life. She must have been a wonderful person to elicit such beauty in your soul. Can't imagine a better way to honor her. Well done!
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Yes, LaRosa, I could not imagine a better way to honor my cousin and she was "a wonderful person to elicit such beauty in your soul." She planned to have me tell her story. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a beautiful story, Andre, and a lovely speech for her memorial service. The video of her 'test flight' wouldn't play for me, it said it was a 'private' film, but your words were picture enough. You described her test flight wonderfully, and I could 'see' her happy, smiling face. She did what she wanted in those months before she left you, and you know she enjoyed every minute of it. A pleasure to read. Sandra xx
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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That was a beautiful story, Andre, and a lovely speech for her memorial service. The video of her 'test flight' wouldn't play for me, it said it was a 'private' film, but your words were picture enough. You described her test flight wonderfully, and I could 'see' her happy, smiling face. She did what she wanted in those months before she left you, and you know she enjoyed every minute of it. A pleasure to read. Sandra xx
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Thank you, Sandra, for your generous review. I have also fixed the privacy setting on my video. I am glad my "words were picture enough." Thanks again.
Comment from Dean Kuch
This entire story is such a genuine, heartfelt and emotionally tender write, Andre.
Your love and deep admiration for your dear cousin, Gina, and her achievement that day you both spent at Playa de los Muertos in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, together truly shines through with every word you've written here.
The dream sequence of this story is especially noteworthy, as you describe in wonderful detail how Gina's real parasailing adventure became her metaphorical "ride" to heaven in your dream.
None of us our EVER guaranteed of a tomorrow. Not me, not you--none of us.
It's best to let those we dearly love know how much we really do love and cherish having them in our lives, and do so everyday.
We may not get another chance.
~Dean
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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This entire story is such a genuine, heartfelt and emotionally tender write, Andre.
Your love and deep admiration for your dear cousin, Gina, and her achievement that day you both spent at Playa de los Muertos in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, together truly shines through with every word you've written here.
The dream sequence of this story is especially noteworthy, as you describe in wonderful detail how Gina's real parasailing adventure became her metaphorical "ride" to heaven in your dream.
None of us our EVER guaranteed of a tomorrow. Not me, not you--none of us.
It's best to let those we dearly love know how much we really do love and cherish having them in our lives, and do so everyday.
We may not get another chance.
~Dean
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Yes, Dean, we may not get another chance for a tomorrow. This is why it is important to live life to the fullest. Thank you for your review of my "genuine, heartfelt and emotionally tender write."
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It's always my pleasure, Andre.
You're very welcome.
~Dean
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made edits. It's late here in India and I'm fatigued, so did not re-read but I trust you caught them all.
It's a beautiful write. Memorable memorial!
First review (FOUR stars)
WOW! I LOVE THIS...what a fine tribute to Gina. Please accept my sincere condolences. POIGNANT WRITE!
Beautiful tone and tenor and theme. Beautiful idea. Fine pacing. Good descriptive detail and dialog and characterization. the reason for the four stars rating is the glaring spag (tense shifts)...so I am happy to amend the rating if you fix it. (Of course)
*Her friend, Rhodessa, had returned to San Francisco the day before(,) and Gina's other friend, Rob, my partner, lounged poolside with his own friend.
great descriptive passage:
Telephone lines hung papel picado, the paper doilies fluttering in the Bandaras Bay breeze. Street food vendors crafted aromas that wafted through streets. Television sets blasted soccer matches.
NICE EMPATHIC ASPECT:I experienced things through Gina's senses and absorbed them to remember her.
* so named because Mayans had buried their dead on the beach for thousands of years.
maybe needs 'the' before Mayans? Not sure. It's acceptable both ways but if it were me, I'd add 'the'.
*Those who died noble deaths began their journey to h(H)eaven from these sands.
IRONIC INSIGHT:
Archeologists had long ago exhumed and moved the bones and pottery to museums, transforming the cemetery into a beach for sunbathers and volleyball players.
* and a black, seat-like harness which trailed a web of ropes.
replace which with THAT
Human kite--love that!
*Gina is going on a test flight of h(H)eaven.
Since it is referred to as a place (proper noun), the cap is ideal)
* The striped white, yellow, red, and blue parachute grew larger(,) and the dangled dot beneath it grew to a figure.
*
Gina gave me this look. "You're crazy. I am just Gina."
Suggest contraction there: I'm just Gina
*The dream sequence starts in present tense but shifts to past a few times. Here are the edits required:
She rose from the sand like a released yellow balloon.
She rises from the sand like a released yellow balloon.
I focused on her smile for assurance.
I focus on her smile for assurance.
She rose into the blue air above Bandaras Bay until she became a speck.
She rises into the blue air above Bandaras Bay until she becomes a speck.
I waited and shouted, "Gina, the ride's over now! You can come down."
I wait and shout, "Gina, the ride's over now! You can come down."
But Gina rose until I was unable to see her anymore.
But Gina rises until I am unable to see her anymore.
#LOVELY closing note--SO SWEET:
Our Gina had parachuted into our lives for a little while. She loved, helped, fed, comforted, and entertained all she could.
Nuestra diosa morena (our brown-skinned goddess), our dea ex machina (goddess from a machine), had returned to the womb of the universe and rejoined her ancestors. Gina, know and understand our deep love, affection and pride for you. Have a pleasant journey.
AMEN!
Love and hugs,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made edits. It's late here in India and I'm fatigued, so did not re-read but I trust you caught them all.
It's a beautiful write. Memorable memorial!
First review (FOUR stars)
WOW! I LOVE THIS...what a fine tribute to Gina. Please accept my sincere condolences. POIGNANT WRITE!
Beautiful tone and tenor and theme. Beautiful idea. Fine pacing. Good descriptive detail and dialog and characterization. the reason for the four stars rating is the glaring spag (tense shifts)...so I am happy to amend the rating if you fix it. (Of course)
*Her friend, Rhodessa, had returned to San Francisco the day before(,) and Gina's other friend, Rob, my partner, lounged poolside with his own friend.
great descriptive passage:
Telephone lines hung papel picado, the paper doilies fluttering in the Bandaras Bay breeze. Street food vendors crafted aromas that wafted through streets. Television sets blasted soccer matches.
NICE EMPATHIC ASPECT:I experienced things through Gina's senses and absorbed them to remember her.
* so named because Mayans had buried their dead on the beach for thousands of years.
maybe needs 'the' before Mayans? Not sure. It's acceptable both ways but if it were me, I'd add 'the'.
*Those who died noble deaths began their journey to h(H)eaven from these sands.
IRONIC INSIGHT:
Archeologists had long ago exhumed and moved the bones and pottery to museums, transforming the cemetery into a beach for sunbathers and volleyball players.
* and a black, seat-like harness which trailed a web of ropes.
replace which with THAT
Human kite--love that!
*Gina is going on a test flight of h(H)eaven.
Since it is referred to as a place (proper noun), the cap is ideal)
* The striped white, yellow, red, and blue parachute grew larger(,) and the dangled dot beneath it grew to a figure.
*
Gina gave me this look. "You're crazy. I am just Gina."
Suggest contraction there: I'm just Gina
*The dream sequence starts in present tense but shifts to past a few times. Here are the edits required:
She rose from the sand like a released yellow balloon.
She rises from the sand like a released yellow balloon.
I focused on her smile for assurance.
I focus on her smile for assurance.
She rose into the blue air above Bandaras Bay until she became a speck.
She rises into the blue air above Bandaras Bay until she becomes a speck.
I waited and shouted, "Gina, the ride's over now! You can come down."
I wait and shout, "Gina, the ride's over now! You can come down."
But Gina rose until I was unable to see her anymore.
But Gina rises until I am unable to see her anymore.
#LOVELY closing note--SO SWEET:
Our Gina had parachuted into our lives for a little while. She loved, helped, fed, comforted, and entertained all she could.
Nuestra diosa morena (our brown-skinned goddess), our dea ex machina (goddess from a machine), had returned to the womb of the universe and rejoined her ancestors. Gina, know and understand our deep love, affection and pride for you. Have a pleasant journey.
AMEN!
Love and hugs,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Whew, thank you, Rama, for your generous review and edits. I have made the corrections, including the verb tenses in the dream sequence. I am glad that my eulogy about her touched you. Thank you for making my writing even better.
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Thanks for your super-gracious response, dear friend. On my way to upgrade now! Love, rd
Comment from djsaxon
An awesome, heartfelt, and well written write to celebrate your cousin's presence. Her life and her aspirations. Such strength. Cheers - DJ
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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An awesome, heartfelt, and well written write to celebrate your cousin's presence. Her life and her aspirations. Such strength. Cheers - DJ
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Thank you, DJ, for your generous review. The stakes were high to write this eulogy because my cousin entrusted me to document and tell her story. She would be glad that you found this to be "awesome and heartfelt." Thanks again.
Comment from Jay Squires
I read what I could before daubing my eyes and beginning again. I'm not a crier, Andre, but that has to be the loveliest eulogy I've ever heard, and I cried. Gina was blessed to have you as a documenter of her last days, but you were blessed to have Gina in all your days. And because of you, dear Andre, I have your illumination of Gina to brighten my days.
God Bless you.
parachute grew larger and the dangled dot beneath it grew to a figure. [Oh-ho, beautiful image!]
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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I read what I could before daubing my eyes and beginning again. I'm not a crier, Andre, but that has to be the loveliest eulogy I've ever heard, and I cried. Gina was blessed to have you as a documenter of her last days, but you were blessed to have Gina in all your days. And because of you, dear Andre, I have your illumination of Gina to brighten my days.
God Bless you.
parachute grew larger and the dangled dot beneath it grew to a figure. [Oh-ho, beautiful image!]
Comment Written 02-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2016
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Yes, Jay, I knew that when a dying person asks me to tag along and "document" her death-defying stunt, I had to pay attention. She entrusted me to tell her story and share it. I am glad my eulogy moved you. Thank you for your generous, six star review and tears.
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You're welcome, Andre!
