A Day in the Life
...of a bee. (a Pantoum)8 total reviews
Comment from RodG
It is easy to see why this Pantoum won the contest. Wonderful imagery of the bee doing its thing in the garden, and the repeated refrains fit in naturally throughout the poem. Great job! Rod
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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It is easy to see why this Pantoum won the contest. Wonderful imagery of the bee doing its thing in the garden, and the repeated refrains fit in naturally throughout the poem. Great job! Rod
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Thank you! It was a challenge, but I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Comment from rama devi
I love reading pantoum even though I've never written one. They are such a musical form. Congrats on winning the contest, dear June.
Bravo!
Fine flow and random rhyme and superb alliteration, especially the alliteration plus consonance of F and S and alliteration of B and consonance of L and M in first stanza:
Sniffing around for some sweet nectar
Flitting freely from bud to blossom
Impressing all with your fancy moves
In your private garden of delight
Love the alliteration of G here as well:
Gathering nectar to make honey
Depositing pollen as you go
Guaranteeing garden will flourish
And the metaphorical closing note of hope and birth.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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I love reading pantoum even though I've never written one. They are such a musical form. Congrats on winning the contest, dear June.
Bravo!
Fine flow and random rhyme and superb alliteration, especially the alliteration plus consonance of F and S and alliteration of B and consonance of L and M in first stanza:
Sniffing around for some sweet nectar
Flitting freely from bud to blossom
Impressing all with your fancy moves
In your private garden of delight
Love the alliteration of G here as well:
Gathering nectar to make honey
Depositing pollen as you go
Guaranteeing garden will flourish
And the metaphorical closing note of hope and birth.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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It was s challenge, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank your feedback.
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:-))))
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
First of all congratulations on winning the pantoum contest. It is well-written and your subject is well chosen the life of the endangered bee.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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First of all congratulations on winning the pantoum contest. It is well-written and your subject is well chosen the life of the endangered bee.
Comment Written 15-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2016
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Yes, I wanted to highlight the danger losing the bee population. Who will pollinate? Who will make the honey?
Comment from BeasPeas
I missed reading this one before the voting. Congratulations on your win. This is a charming pantoum, well constructed and presented with
flowing lines. Marilyn
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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I missed reading this one before the voting. Congratulations on your win. This is a charming pantoum, well constructed and presented with
flowing lines. Marilyn
Comment Written 05-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2016
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Thank you! It was fun.
Comment from Giggles0630
I loved your choice of subject and the happy mood evoked by your poem, and I enjoyed the imagery which your words bring to mind. One minor comment--I would change "garden of delights" to "garden of delight". This would rhyme better with sunlight, and to me at least, would read better out loud. Very nice poem overall, but same as my comment to another contestant, I believe that quatrains by definition rhyme, typically aaaa or abab or abba. Please correct me if I am wrong.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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I loved your choice of subject and the happy mood evoked by your poem, and I enjoyed the imagery which your words bring to mind. One minor comment--I would change "garden of delights" to "garden of delight". This would rhyme better with sunlight, and to me at least, would read better out loud. Very nice poem overall, but same as my comment to another contestant, I believe that quatrains by definition rhyme, typically aaaa or abab or abba. Please correct me if I am wrong.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Thank you for your in depth review. The contest rules did not mention any particular rhyme scheme. I would have definitely complied. I do like your suggestion and changed delights to delight. I just had fun writing this, thought it was a challenge!
Comment from Ogden
Great job, June! I've never written a pantoum, but I can see what a difficult challenge it is.
You've fulfilled all of the requirements, and added other elements of a well-imagined poem - alliteration, rhyme, imagery, and a consistent syllable count.
I do have one minor quibble, though. - The word "delights" feels forced, in order to achieve the rhyme. If you agree, I can offer a suggestion that seems to me to aid the intent of the line, and rhymes well. As the bee has one goal, pollination, you might consider, "(Reveling)...in your little garden, for one plight." (Comma important)
Thumb up or down, your efforts deserve the extra star.
There are gazillions of entries in these cash prize contests, so, to finish in the money, a whole lot of good luck is necessary.
Wishing you a whole lot of good luck,
Don
Don
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Great job, June! I've never written a pantoum, but I can see what a difficult challenge it is.
You've fulfilled all of the requirements, and added other elements of a well-imagined poem - alliteration, rhyme, imagery, and a consistent syllable count.
I do have one minor quibble, though. - The word "delights" feels forced, in order to achieve the rhyme. If you agree, I can offer a suggestion that seems to me to aid the intent of the line, and rhymes well. As the bee has one goal, pollination, you might consider, "(Reveling)...in your little garden, for one plight." (Comma important)
Thumb up or down, your efforts deserve the extra star.
There are gazillions of entries in these cash prize contests, so, to finish in the money, a whole lot of good luck is necessary.
Wishing you a whole lot of good luck,
Don
Don
Comment Written 04-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2016
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Thank you so much for your encouraging words, great rating and suggestion!
Comment from Cindy Warren
You created wonderful visuals of the bee. I can almost hear it buzzing. As far as I can tell you've followed all the rules. Love the picture. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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You created wonderful visuals of the bee. I can almost hear it buzzing. As far as I can tell you've followed all the rules. Love the picture. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 03-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thanks so much!
Comment from Poetic Friend
A busy little bee, is he? Your poem creatively describes the life of a bee -- from its pollen making tasks to its flight from blossom to blossom. I thoroughly enjoyed it flight. Your choice of words to describe his flight brings this poem to life.
Great poetry format and imagery!
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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A busy little bee, is he? Your poem creatively describes the life of a bee -- from its pollen making tasks to its flight from blossom to blossom. I thoroughly enjoyed it flight. Your choice of words to describe his flight brings this poem to life.
Great poetry format and imagery!
Comment Written 03-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2016
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Thank you for your encouraging words!
