Christmas Lost and Found
The most careful plans don't always work out.16 total reviews
Comment from Rikki66
The story is excellent as is the writing. It emphasizes the human side of Eminent Domain and not the government view of what is best for the better good of the community.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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The story is excellent as is the writing. It emphasizes the human side of Eminent Domain and not the government view of what is best for the better good of the community.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you very much
Comment from Winslow
Dear Mary,
A sad Christmas story about a man who has lost much. Alone on Christmas night he sits in despair but then realizes at the end it is possible to enjoy the life he still has.
This could be improved by tightening, not repeating words, eliminating most ly words. You over use was and had. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Margaret McPartland, John's mother, was the formative person in his life. As formidable in his memory as in his life with her. Her presence dominated any room she occupied. She insisted on proper manners and formality and even her friends called her Mrs. McPartland. Efficiency was her strength and she dedicated her life to organizing her son's. From early childhood she meticulously planned his just like an eighteenth century English garden. His future laid out for him in a neat, precise pattern with all unnecessary entanglements snipped and pruned.
Hope this helps.
Merry Christmas,
Winslow
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Dear Mary,
A sad Christmas story about a man who has lost much. Alone on Christmas night he sits in despair but then realizes at the end it is possible to enjoy the life he still has.
This could be improved by tightening, not repeating words, eliminating most ly words. You over use was and had. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
Margaret McPartland, John's mother, was the formative person in his life. As formidable in his memory as in his life with her. Her presence dominated any room she occupied. She insisted on proper manners and formality and even her friends called her Mrs. McPartland. Efficiency was her strength and she dedicated her life to organizing her son's. From early childhood she meticulously planned his just like an eighteenth century English garden. His future laid out for him in a neat, precise pattern with all unnecessary entanglements snipped and pruned.
Hope this helps.
Merry Christmas,
Winslow
Comment Written 22-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2016
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Thank you very much
Comment from MelB
This is a very nice Christmas story and contest entry. Life certainly doesn't go how we expect it to and we do have many losses to deal with. That's one of my favorite Christmas songs. I can see why it would bring John comfort and many memories.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2016
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This is a very nice Christmas story and contest entry. Life certainly doesn't go how we expect it to and we do have many losses to deal with. That's one of my favorite Christmas songs. I can see why it would bring John comfort and many memories.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2016
Thank you for your positive comments.
Comment from Emily George
You are a wonderful writer. I read this and thought about greedy developers. Then forgot all about that, as I was lost in the life of John. His highs and lows, how well he was loved and loved others. But what I loved most, was that he was strong and that lovely song, reminded him of the important people, who had kept him strong. thank you for the read.
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2016
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You are a wonderful writer. I read this and thought about greedy developers. Then forgot all about that, as I was lost in the life of John. His highs and lows, how well he was loved and loved others. But what I loved most, was that he was strong and that lovely song, reminded him of the important people, who had kept him strong. thank you for the read.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 20-Dec-2016
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Thank you for the complimentary review and the extra star. You made my day.
Comment from Unspoken94
You could have easily turned John into a victim
but you didn't. Nice going. When one begins this
read, I could have seen him burning the house down
or suicide. But you do the exceptional . -Bill
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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You could have easily turned John into a victim
but you didn't. Nice going. When one begins this
read, I could have seen him burning the house down
or suicide. But you do the exceptional . -Bill
Comment Written 18-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 18-Dec-2016
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Thank you for your perceptions and have a nice Christmas.
Comment from Mabaker
Sad and lovely. It would be wonderful to be the one someone like John loved so fully. I was all set to hate his mother but considering those mothers who don't want their children he had a good home life. Regards Mabaker.
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Sad and lovely. It would be wonderful to be the one someone like John loved so fully. I was all set to hate his mother but considering those mothers who don't want their children he had a good home life. Regards Mabaker.
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you for your positive review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was a lovely story, and the way you ended it, was so beautiful. A song can make or break a mood, and in this case it made him feel closer to his mother and Mary, as it should. You wrote this so tenderly, many lonely widowed people are around feeling just like John. I hope they all hear a Christmas song that will bring their loved ones back in spirit for their holiday. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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That was a lovely story, and the way you ended it, was so beautiful. A song can make or break a mood, and in this case it made him feel closer to his mother and Mary, as it should. You wrote this so tenderly, many lonely widowed people are around feeling just like John. I hope they all hear a Christmas song that will bring their loved ones back in spirit for their holiday. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you for understanding the message and the encouraging words.
Comment from dweigt
A nice story, a little sad but uplifting at the end. You do a good job of taking us back through John's memories.
A few suggestions:
all of the houses on Maple Avenue were bought by the city -- I think "had been bought" might work better here.
Need another line break after "demolition."
Now, John was calm. -- Consider eliminating "Now". I always look for unneeded words to cut, and I think this is one. We know you are talking about the current time, and the next sentences contrast it to the past.
" Your father worked himself -- take out the space after the opening quote mark -- "Your father worked himself
As John drifted along in his dreamy state, Mary Murphy, took over his thoughts. -- no comma after "Mary Murphy" -- As John drifted along in his dreamy state, Mary Murphy took over his thoughts.
Christmas night was lonely because he was focused on loss. -- Don't tell us it was lonely. You are already showing us, and we get it.
John was amazed at the impact the Christmas song had on him. He just happened to turn on the radio, "I'll be Home for Christmas," just happened to be playing. He was at his lowest point and the lyrics lifted up his spirit. The right music with the right lyrics can be mood changing, but for John it was mind changing as well. -- Consider cutting this entire paragraph. I think the story ended naturally and beautifully with the previous one. This is just telling us what to think about it.
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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A nice story, a little sad but uplifting at the end. You do a good job of taking us back through John's memories.
A few suggestions:
all of the houses on Maple Avenue were bought by the city -- I think "had been bought" might work better here.
Need another line break after "demolition."
Now, John was calm. -- Consider eliminating "Now". I always look for unneeded words to cut, and I think this is one. We know you are talking about the current time, and the next sentences contrast it to the past.
" Your father worked himself -- take out the space after the opening quote mark -- "Your father worked himself
As John drifted along in his dreamy state, Mary Murphy, took over his thoughts. -- no comma after "Mary Murphy" -- As John drifted along in his dreamy state, Mary Murphy took over his thoughts.
Christmas night was lonely because he was focused on loss. -- Don't tell us it was lonely. You are already showing us, and we get it.
John was amazed at the impact the Christmas song had on him. He just happened to turn on the radio, "I'll be Home for Christmas," just happened to be playing. He was at his lowest point and the lyrics lifted up his spirit. The right music with the right lyrics can be mood changing, but for John it was mind changing as well. -- Consider cutting this entire paragraph. I think the story ended naturally and beautifully with the previous one. This is just telling us what to think about it.
Keep writing!
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you for such a detailed review. I'll reread with your suggestions in mind.
Comment from patcelaw
Mary, this is a well written and touching story. The ending almost made me cry. I will be alone again this Christmas, but I do know others who have it far worse than me, so I will rejoice in the Christmas celebration. I have so many blessings. Patricia
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Mary, this is a well written and touching story. The ending almost made me cry. I will be alone again this Christmas, but I do know others who have it far worse than me, so I will rejoice in the Christmas celebration. I have so many blessings. Patricia
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you for your uplifting comments.
Comment from robyn corum
MaryKelly,
This is a story about a man who hears a song and it changes his perspective. On paper that sounds rather boring and as if it wouldn't fly AT ALL. But you worked MAGIC with it. *smile* I adored this old man AND his sad story. I loved the women in his life and I admired them ALL. You have woven a truly magical tale in just a few hundred words. I am entranced. Thank you.
A couple of tiny notes, please:
1.) girls with skinned knees and unblinking eyes jump up (from) the
2.) "(no space)and (Aunt?) Nellie and Uncle Denney live with us too."
Thanks again! A well-earned six!
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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MaryKelly,
This is a story about a man who hears a song and it changes his perspective. On paper that sounds rather boring and as if it wouldn't fly AT ALL. But you worked MAGIC with it. *smile* I adored this old man AND his sad story. I loved the women in his life and I admired them ALL. You have woven a truly magical tale in just a few hundred words. I am entranced. Thank you.
A couple of tiny notes, please:
1.) girls with skinned knees and unblinking eyes jump up (from) the
2.) "(no space)and (Aunt?) Nellie and Uncle Denney live with us too."
Thanks again! A well-earned six!
Comment Written 17-Dec-2016
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2016
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Thank you for such a complimentary review and the heads up notes. I love the extra star.
