Humanity Project
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Hawk House"A science fiction book about genetic engineering.
24 total reviews
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day again, youngster.
I forgot to mention in the last review that it's good to see the recap of the last chapter, back at the top.
Okay, let's do it! I'm as nervous as a one-legged Kangaroo in a cave full of dingoes.
"Archie and Koko strode along the path leading to the Hawk House. They took their time so as not to draw unwanted attention." (Can you stride anywhere without hurrying or getting paid attention? Maybe come up with a more leisurely word than "strode.")
"Many species were associated with cacti of different types, but some bloomed in solitary splendor." ( People who have never spent time in the desert, which is almost everyone, would be amazed at the color she produces it's spectacular.)
"He promised they won't harm the nasty sheep," (Hahahaha! You have to hate the nasty bloody sheep!... ummmm... I do... do ewe?)
"Ayala and Koko both expressed extreme distaste of(-of +for) all animals,"
"And all I know is it's on the second floor. I've never actually been in here, myself." (Bugger!)
"open space filled with soft cushions. Its leisurely appearance was in stark contrast to the austere gathering places of Coyote house" (I think it reads better with a comma after cushions, instead of the period.)
"You find it horrible?" Archie asked.
"Worse... sickening." (Crikey.)
"Archie figured Leander's office would be more pretentious than the others ... perhaps ornately decorated or gaudy." (Damn! I'm doing something wrong. I'm the leader here and my office looks like an ancient, bush humpy. People keep dumping stuff in it and on my desk! The other day I found a packet of sanitary pads on my desk! I asked Kwala...what the filppin' heck am I supposed to do with those?)
"Escaping," Archie said, punching the man in the jaw and dropping him like a log." (Hahahaha! Ouch!)
"It means something like, 'humans used for advanced civilizations'." (Ahhhhh.)
This is enthralling work, sis. It's almost like a mini-series on TV with the way the chapters end, leaving the viewer in suspense, until the next episode. Well played.
Great job, once again.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2017
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G'day again, youngster.
I forgot to mention in the last review that it's good to see the recap of the last chapter, back at the top.
Okay, let's do it! I'm as nervous as a one-legged Kangaroo in a cave full of dingoes.
"Archie and Koko strode along the path leading to the Hawk House. They took their time so as not to draw unwanted attention." (Can you stride anywhere without hurrying or getting paid attention? Maybe come up with a more leisurely word than "strode.")
"Many species were associated with cacti of different types, but some bloomed in solitary splendor." ( People who have never spent time in the desert, which is almost everyone, would be amazed at the color she produces it's spectacular.)
"He promised they won't harm the nasty sheep," (Hahahaha! You have to hate the nasty bloody sheep!... ummmm... I do... do ewe?)
"Ayala and Koko both expressed extreme distaste of(-of +for) all animals,"
"And all I know is it's on the second floor. I've never actually been in here, myself." (Bugger!)
"open space filled with soft cushions. Its leisurely appearance was in stark contrast to the austere gathering places of Coyote house" (I think it reads better with a comma after cushions, instead of the period.)
"You find it horrible?" Archie asked.
"Worse... sickening." (Crikey.)
"Archie figured Leander's office would be more pretentious than the others ... perhaps ornately decorated or gaudy." (Damn! I'm doing something wrong. I'm the leader here and my office looks like an ancient, bush humpy. People keep dumping stuff in it and on my desk! The other day I found a packet of sanitary pads on my desk! I asked Kwala...what the filppin' heck am I supposed to do with those?)
"Escaping," Archie said, punching the man in the jaw and dropping him like a log." (Hahahaha! Ouch!)
"It means something like, 'humans used for advanced civilizations'." (Ahhhhh.)
This is enthralling work, sis. It's almost like a mini-series on TV with the way the chapters end, leaving the viewer in suspense, until the next episode. Well played.
Great job, once again.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 18-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2017
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Thanks for the stars and comments.
Yes, I try to leave a cliff-hanger each time, though I struggle sometimes to get it.
Thanks for the mini-series comment, I'll get you to play a part you'll learn about shortly.
We'll find a part for Champers! Maybe a cougar! She's a tough one.
Funny about your office. Sounds a bit like my classroom! No sanitary napkins, but you never know what else the kids will leave behind!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, I'm catching up after all the adverse weather we'd had of late and therefore no Internet. I'm so terrible behind. A great chapter and full of suspense and I'm looking forward to read on. Great story. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Hi Rhonda, I'm catching up after all the adverse weather we'd had of late and therefore no Internet. I'm so terrible behind. A great chapter and full of suspense and I'm looking forward to read on. Great story. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 23-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Ulla! I so appreciate any time you stop by to review. I know how busy you are on your farm.
Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You left a great hook. I need to know if Archie and Koko will be safe. This story was always good but it's getting better and better.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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You left a great hook. I need to know if Archie and Koko will be safe. This story was always good but it's getting better and better.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Barbara, for the wonderful six start gift! Your support is wonderful, and so encouraging.
Miss your work!
Rhonda
Comment from F. Wehr3
Rhonda, I was impressed with the detail you've put into this book. Quite an horrific dystopian future you've come up with. I look forward to reading more of this one.
At the end is a long list of names of children, and, at least, one adult parent for each. --I noticed you have a tendency to make a two complete sentences (independent clauses) separating them the comma conjunction combo (which is correct), and then you make an aside or a prepositional phrase between them. My suggestion is to look at these to see if you need commas surrounding your dependent clause. In this case, I see that it is unnecessary and suggest a deletion of the comma before and after and because the second part is not a complete sentence and at least doesn't need to be offset.
I hope that made sense. It's too early I need another cup of coffee, lol.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Rhonda, I was impressed with the detail you've put into this book. Quite an horrific dystopian future you've come up with. I look forward to reading more of this one.
At the end is a long list of names of children, and, at least, one adult parent for each. --I noticed you have a tendency to make a two complete sentences (independent clauses) separating them the comma conjunction combo (which is correct), and then you make an aside or a prepositional phrase between them. My suggestion is to look at these to see if you need commas surrounding your dependent clause. In this case, I see that it is unnecessary and suggest a deletion of the comma before and after and because the second part is not a complete sentence and at least doesn't need to be offset.
I hope that made sense. It's too early I need another cup of coffee, lol.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Russell, for the wonderful review. I'll look into what you're saying. It's funny how we repeat mistakes. I am so glad you pointed it out. I also appreciate the positive comments as well.
Thank you, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from mbroyles2
Excellent chapter that is filled with tension and a tight plot.
Archie and Koko are doing their best but now someone they call Junior is approaching and it doesn't sound good.
Great descriptions and the characters work well together.
Great story.
Michael
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Excellent chapter that is filled with tension and a tight plot.
Archie and Koko are doing their best but now someone they call Junior is approaching and it doesn't sound good.
Great descriptions and the characters work well together.
Great story.
Michael
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Michael, for the wonderful six star review!!
Junior is the son of their arch nemesis, Leander, who is the lead Scientist who set up the compound.
I so appreciate your support,
Rhonda
Comment from Lu Saluna
Excellent chapter, very well written. Plenty of great detail, wonderful dialogue and character development. The plot is getting very exciting and I was engaged from start to finish for this one. Very sad about Todd. I am really looking forward to the next chapter as you have done an excellent job leaving me hanging. So now I can hardly wait! :-))
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Excellent chapter, very well written. Plenty of great detail, wonderful dialogue and character development. The plot is getting very exciting and I was engaged from start to finish for this one. Very sad about Todd. I am really looking forward to the next chapter as you have done an excellent job leaving me hanging. So now I can hardly wait! :-))
Comment Written 21-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Lu. What a sweet and supportive review. Yeah, poor Todd is off to a bad start in this book. Actually, they pretty much all are. lol!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Exciting chapter. I continue to be impressed by the imaginative, detailed nature of this story. Can't wait to read more. :)
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Exciting chapter. I continue to be impressed by the imaginative, detailed nature of this story. Can't wait to read more. :)
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you, Phyllis. I appreciate your informative and supportive review!!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from rspoet
Hello Rhonda,
I read the back chapters to catch up
and this is an excellent one with smooth dialogue
that reads quite naturally
I'm not sure why they needed the explosions
which would draw attention to the fact that something is amiss
Simply letting the sheep out would create enough confusion
and a good distraction.
Archie seems to be his own worst enemy.
They need much more time to get a good head start and make a clean escape.
But the readers will all be pulling for Archie and Koko to make it.
The desert is a big place to search, anything could happen.
Excellent chapter for the story and of course, title for the book.
Sorry I'm out of sixes, this late in the week.
Well done
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Hello Rhonda,
I read the back chapters to catch up
and this is an excellent one with smooth dialogue
that reads quite naturally
I'm not sure why they needed the explosions
which would draw attention to the fact that something is amiss
Simply letting the sheep out would create enough confusion
and a good distraction.
Archie seems to be his own worst enemy.
They need much more time to get a good head start and make a clean escape.
But the readers will all be pulling for Archie and Koko to make it.
The desert is a big place to search, anything could happen.
Excellent chapter for the story and of course, title for the book.
Sorry I'm out of sixes, this late in the week.
Well done
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful review, my friend, and for the virtual six. You are supportive and helpful.
Archie is an enemy to himself because he's out of his element, but will catch up soon.
The explosion has a purpose. Sani needed to make a big enough distraction so Archie and Koko could get into the building, get out and then through the fence with no one knowing. Destruction of the fence with the blast was a side need as well.
Thank you, again, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from Winslow
Dear Rhonda,
It seems you have a wild tale going here. It reminds me of a "Brave New World" where social society is strictly controlled. You write in a readable style with excellent descriptions. You sprinkle realistic dialogue throughout to carry the story along and let the reader know what the characters are thinking.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Dear Rhonda,
It seems you have a wild tale going here. It reminds me of a "Brave New World" where social society is strictly controlled. You write in a readable style with excellent descriptions. You sprinkle realistic dialogue throughout to carry the story along and let the reader know what the characters are thinking.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you so much, Winslow. What a wonderful review-- most encouraging.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
As they approached Hawk House, they took a moment to gaze at the magnificent figure of its namesake chiseled into the house's adobe face. Larger than life, its talons were raised as if to attack, its gaping beak prepared to tear prey into pieces. The last fluorescent glimmers of sun spread a radiant aura around the beast and lit fierce burning eyes. ---GREAT descriptive writing, Rhonda
considering your condition," Achie said. - Archie
It seems to hate everyone not a Hawk." - is something missing in this sentence?
Koko whisphered
.........whispered
very intense, my friend - most enjoyable.
Margaret
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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As they approached Hawk House, they took a moment to gaze at the magnificent figure of its namesake chiseled into the house's adobe face. Larger than life, its talons were raised as if to attack, its gaping beak prepared to tear prey into pieces. The last fluorescent glimmers of sun spread a radiant aura around the beast and lit fierce burning eyes. ---GREAT descriptive writing, Rhonda
considering your condition," Achie said. - Archie
It seems to hate everyone not a Hawk." - is something missing in this sentence?
Koko whisphered
.........whispered
very intense, my friend - most enjoyable.
Margaret
Comment Written 20-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2017
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Thank you for the wonderful remarks, they were so helpful.
I made the corrections you suggested, and I'm glad you found them and pointed them out.
Notice I took your advice and used a lot of non "said" words. It was how I used to do it anyway, but changed with criticism from reviewers. I guess I needed to find a happy medium.
Again, thanks,
Rhonda
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Yes, I did notice you'd used less "said"s - a good mix - M
