Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Water"Free verse poems
26 total reviews
Comment from mermaids
Love the line about the coyote drinking the water. You have written an excellent prose poem. Your use of words captures the feel and a clear scene of nature. I feel like I am out in nature when I read your poem.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Love the line about the coyote drinking the water. You have written an excellent prose poem. Your use of words captures the feel and a clear scene of nature. I feel like I am out in nature when I read your poem.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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I was thinking about a canyon that I walk through often, near where I live - just saw a coyote there the other day, in fact. Glad you enjoyed the poem, thank you,
Carol
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Carol I love the imagery you have scored in this piece. "I'll soon become those silver, silent tides; blend into green-brimmed breakers; mingle with salted sweeps and rolling swells, ending in raucous rush up steep-sloping beaches."
I think you could have very well have put this in stanzas and had a more profound effect. It is really very, very good. Blessings, Bob
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Hi, Carol I love the imagery you have scored in this piece. "I'll soon become those silver, silent tides; blend into green-brimmed breakers; mingle with salted sweeps and rolling swells, ending in raucous rush up steep-sloping beaches."
I think you could have very well have put this in stanzas and had a more profound effect. It is really very, very good. Blessings, Bob
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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The idea of stanzas was something Jim - Pantygynt - suggested too. I think it would make easier reading. Thanks, Bob!
Carol
Comment from doggymad
Wonderful images of an ever rushing stream, not stopping but taking in all that it passes on its journey.
I find myself wishing that I too could take a trip like this and experience all these wonderful sights
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Wonderful images of an ever rushing stream, not stopping but taking in all that it passes on its journey.
I find myself wishing that I too could take a trip like this and experience all these wonderful sights
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Thanks so much, I'm with you! Time to go visit the ocean soon :))
Carol
Comment from brenda bickers
Hi Carol,
I don't know how you do it but you seem to reach in and bring out that hidden ability to take in all that surrounds me. Your potlatch prose/poem took me to where you were. Taking in the smells, the sights, and the sounds. I was swept away on gentle winds, and because of previous postings on this very subject that were so beautifully written by you I could tell your heart and soul were there.
a really wonderful read.
Brenda:))x
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Hi Carol,
I don't know how you do it but you seem to reach in and bring out that hidden ability to take in all that surrounds me. Your potlatch prose/poem took me to where you were. Taking in the smells, the sights, and the sounds. I was swept away on gentle winds, and because of previous postings on this very subject that were so beautifully written by you I could tell your heart and soul were there.
a really wonderful read.
Brenda:))x
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Thank you so much :)))
I do love nature and being outside is my favorite place to be. It's delightful to see previously dry streams running again, and everything turning green finally - it's so brown and dry here most of the year. So you may see alot more nature poems coming up!!
Carol
Comment from Mark Valentine
Virtual SIX! - This is a veritable pelagic symphony. It's exquisitely crafted - it's grand, it crescendos, it rises and falls and soars. I take back what I just said in my response to your review - maybe you shouldn't write a Jolene parody. Once you start writing song parodies, your brain starts to atrophy - it's like hanging out with toddlers all day - you sink to their level. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, Carol.
This is sublime and rich and anthemic. It's like Keats meets Thoreau meets Costeau. You portray the ocean as being vast, complex, alive, ever-changing, and unique at every step. Your language is perfectly poetic and thoughtful. Your use of personification and your choice to capitalize the names of the trees and the birds conveys the sense of a Native-American like reverence for nature.
Your last sentences pull us humans into that world. Just great.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2017
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Virtual SIX! - This is a veritable pelagic symphony. It's exquisitely crafted - it's grand, it crescendos, it rises and falls and soars. I take back what I just said in my response to your review - maybe you shouldn't write a Jolene parody. Once you start writing song parodies, your brain starts to atrophy - it's like hanging out with toddlers all day - you sink to their level. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, Carol.
This is sublime and rich and anthemic. It's like Keats meets Thoreau meets Costeau. You portray the ocean as being vast, complex, alive, ever-changing, and unique at every step. Your language is perfectly poetic and thoughtful. Your use of personification and your choice to capitalize the names of the trees and the birds conveys the sense of a Native-American like reverence for nature.
Your last sentences pull us humans into that world. Just great.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2017
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I may hold off on the Jolene parody - it would be a very small subset of people who appreciated it. I don't think my mind would atrophy though, lol!
Yes, I did capitalize those names purposely. I love the individuals that I see on my walks, many of which I mentioned here. Many plants and birds I cannot name, but I enjoy seeing them nonetheless.
Thanks so much, Mark! :))
Carol
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a fine piece of personificatiuon where the river becomes the writer and charts its progress from the lively headwaters of a mountain stream, gradually becoming more sedate as it meanders its way towards the sea. the piece punctuates its progress by recounting not only the scenery and vegetation through which it passes but also names the varied species of fauna that come by to drink its waters.
The metamorphosis from river to sea is brilliantly handled. The language throughout is shere poetry but the form is undeniably prosaic, so much so that I think it would benefit from a few paragraph breaks along the way. As it is it appears somewhat daunting in a single solid mass of text.
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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This is a fine piece of personificatiuon where the river becomes the writer and charts its progress from the lively headwaters of a mountain stream, gradually becoming more sedate as it meanders its way towards the sea. the piece punctuates its progress by recounting not only the scenery and vegetation through which it passes but also names the varied species of fauna that come by to drink its waters.
The metamorphosis from river to sea is brilliantly handled. The language throughout is shere poetry but the form is undeniably prosaic, so much so that I think it would benefit from a few paragraph breaks along the way. As it is it appears somewhat daunting in a single solid mass of text.
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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You know, I meant to put in paragraph breaks as you mentioned, but I was so caught up in trying to make it poetic and stream-like that I forgot. But you know me - I'm very absent minded. Also, the blocks of text don't bother me, I have a high tolerance for that kind of thing...Still, it is a good suggestion. What works/makes sense to me often does not work for most other people, lol.
Comment from Ric Myworld
What a great picture of a place that this old boy could be a happy camper. The sights, sounds, and smells just seemed to waft from the page and into my nostrils to prime my imagination. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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What a great picture of a place that this old boy could be a happy camper. The sights, sounds, and smells just seemed to waft from the page and into my nostrils to prime my imagination. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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There's a nice little campground, very rustic, just south of the river mouth. It's a very peaceful, albeit sometimes really stormy, place to camp. The walks from there are amazing. :))
Carol
Comment from RGstar
You have so many devices here, least of all alliteration throughout, but what is most evident is the speed and intensity of the piece...along with its richness.
Bravo.
One nearly has no time to swallow. Loved it.
My best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2017
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You have so many devices here, least of all alliteration throughout, but what is most evident is the speed and intensity of the piece...along with its richness.
Bravo.
One nearly has no time to swallow. Loved it.
My best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2017
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Thanks, Roy, I tried to make the language feel like a rapid flow of water - lots of alliteration and long, almost run-on sentences. I'm so glad you liked it!
Carol
Comment from robyn corum
ooOOoooOOOoooo... CCARR----ooooll...
I...LIKE....this....! It is warm... and...fuzzy... and...won---der-ful...! (sing song voice delivery) I never knew what the minds of the rivers, streams and ocean were like before... I feel so IN on things now! heehee It'[s nice being part of the inner circle. I shoulda known our nature girl woulda been the one to introduce me! HUZZAH!
Thanks! LOVE IT~! THIS, THIS, THIS is the reason I hold on to my sixes soooo stinking hard - so I can BLESS something this magnificent. Thnaks!
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2017
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ooOOoooOOOoooo... CCARR----ooooll...
I...LIKE....this....! It is warm... and...fuzzy... and...won---der-ful...! (sing song voice delivery) I never knew what the minds of the rivers, streams and ocean were like before... I feel so IN on things now! heehee It'[s nice being part of the inner circle. I shoulda known our nature girl woulda been the one to introduce me! HUZZAH!
Thanks! LOVE IT~! THIS, THIS, THIS is the reason I hold on to my sixes soooo stinking hard - so I can BLESS something this magnificent. Thnaks!
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2017
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Lol, you are part of the in-crowd now, for sure - now that you've heard the voice of Wildwood Creek, and traveled along it's channel to the sea. But, WOW, I am so happy that you hang on to those sixes, and that you liked this enough to bestow one. Thank you! I really appreciate this :))
Carol
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Ciliverde
I enjoyed your prose poem very much. It didn't take long before I could tell you're a gurgling brook, on its way to the ocean. It's like a travel poem! And your words flow just like the stream itself. Well-written! Lots of terrific imagery! I felt enthusiasm in "tumbling over mossy rocks". I could feel optimism in "leaping in liquid joy". I could sense nature, "I carry old copper-crisp leaves, dead skin of snake, cress, coffee-berry, crushed strands of sweet sage." (Some nice alliteration scattered throughout!) There is harmony in your words, "I greet Hawk, perched high, and Heron, who sweeps low to land. Coyote slinks up to drink my precious water".
You aren't wrapped up in yourself though. You realize you're part of something greater, "Of short-shrift, though, my life, as each tumble, each turn and tangle, urges me toward Ocean's massive mystery."
And yet, you don't get lost. You are an important piece of the puzzle, "I may travel long-enduring leagues; dive to depths where old, old canyons trace the sea-floor, sweep into strange harbors, that song will be mine alone." This is my favorite line.
Nicely penned! My very first poem in Fanstory is like this, except I was a mountain. I'd be honored if you'd read it sometime.
cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Hi Ciliverde
I enjoyed your prose poem very much. It didn't take long before I could tell you're a gurgling brook, on its way to the ocean. It's like a travel poem! And your words flow just like the stream itself. Well-written! Lots of terrific imagery! I felt enthusiasm in "tumbling over mossy rocks". I could feel optimism in "leaping in liquid joy". I could sense nature, "I carry old copper-crisp leaves, dead skin of snake, cress, coffee-berry, crushed strands of sweet sage." (Some nice alliteration scattered throughout!) There is harmony in your words, "I greet Hawk, perched high, and Heron, who sweeps low to land. Coyote slinks up to drink my precious water".
You aren't wrapped up in yourself though. You realize you're part of something greater, "Of short-shrift, though, my life, as each tumble, each turn and tangle, urges me toward Ocean's massive mystery."
And yet, you don't get lost. You are an important piece of the puzzle, "I may travel long-enduring leagues; dive to depths where old, old canyons trace the sea-floor, sweep into strange harbors, that song will be mine alone." This is my favorite line.
Nicely penned! My very first poem in Fanstory is like this, except I was a mountain. I'd be honored if you'd read it sometime.
cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 03-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2017
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Yes, I had become Wildwood Creek, which runs near my home, for a few lines...it was fun to imagine what it would be like to be a creek, running down toward the sea. Your review is very good, it's interesting how you noted the creek being part of the greater whole, yet hoping to somehow retain a sense of self. I'd be happy to read your poem, I'll go look for it now.
Thanks for this great review!
Carol
