Knock, Knock, Who's There?
An old lady in trouble.50 total reviews
Comment from frierajac
Humm, I imagine that she took her wallet and her check book because she was driving there to 6th St. And was concerned that she would have to write a check to the drug dealer? Perhaps this is a functional disorder of the demented mind? Here is a virtual 6 stars for a great piece.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Humm, I imagine that she took her wallet and her check book because she was driving there to 6th St. And was concerned that she would have to write a check to the drug dealer? Perhaps this is a functional disorder of the demented mind? Here is a virtual 6 stars for a great piece.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much, Frierajac, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, a demented mind, so warped she even thinks she's going a good deed. :-)
Comment from Margaret Ford
This was a hell of a story; I read all the way through, and was wondering if there will be a couple more installments. I hope so. Very good job. Margaret
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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This was a hell of a story; I read all the way through, and was wondering if there will be a couple more installments. I hope so. Very good job. Margaret
Comment Written 01-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much, Margaret Ford, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. There might have to be a few more installments of this one, as almost never found a stopping place. Truthfully, I didn't, I just ended it and offered an explanation. :-)
Comment from Sanku
Congratulations for winning the contest.it was quite a story and I did not mind that it was long.That much more reading...!
She is really a character.Sometimes i think we meed such people to dispense justice.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Congratulations for winning the contest.it was quite a story and I did not mind that it was long.That much more reading...!
She is really a character.Sometimes i think we meed such people to dispense justice.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Maybe the next installment can be "Granny goes to Pennsylvania Ave." Or "Bad Guys Beware, Granny on the loose." LOL! Thank you so much, Sanku, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Curly Girly
Wow, this was a marathon read. It was well-written and entertaining.
I enjoyed this part:
Vikings, Aztecs, and maybe tribal Polynesians or Maori warriors, body inked from head to toe, rings in their noses, and stretched-out holes from discs in their ears called gages. "They can kill me, but they won't eat me," couldn't be farther from the truth when dealing with the Maori, who eat their victims to show superiority.
I can just imagine her terror.
So the old dear turned out to be a villain after all.
Congrats on your contest win.
CG
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Wow, this was a marathon read. It was well-written and entertaining.
I enjoyed this part:
Vikings, Aztecs, and maybe tribal Polynesians or Maori warriors, body inked from head to toe, rings in their noses, and stretched-out holes from discs in their ears called gages. "They can kill me, but they won't eat me," couldn't be farther from the truth when dealing with the Maori, who eat their victims to show superiority.
I can just imagine her terror.
So the old dear turned out to be a villain after all.
Congrats on your contest win.
CG
Comment Written 01-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2017
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Thank you so much, Curly Girly, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I haven't seen any of your posts lately. I don't know if I've just missed them or you haven't been around, but I always enjoy your work and I'm glad to see you. :-)
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Thanks Rick. I think you just missed them.
Kitchen Surgery
Pays 10 points and 72 member cents (and maybe more).
http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=857742
And:
Mink and Manure
Pays 10 points and 1.12 member dollars (and maybe more).
http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=857554
Comment from Winslow
Hi Rick,
Congratulations on winning the contest. Who knew what an old church lady was capable of? (LOL) Pretty up in your face broad if you ask me. A lot of excellent descriptive writing in this one.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Hi Rick,
Congratulations on winning the contest. Who knew what an old church lady was capable of? (LOL) Pretty up in your face broad if you ask me. A lot of excellent descriptive writing in this one.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Yes, she definitely wasn't our typical upstanding Christian lady. LOL! Thank you so much, Winslow, my friend, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Ogden
Congratulations on your first-place finish. But, I won't let that influence my review. I haven't read any of the other entries, and it wouldn't surprise me if none were better than yours. Or, on the other hand, if some were.
As you've gathered, I have some quibbles to share - beginning with the very plausibility of the story: A person experiences numerous pages of indignities, with somehow neither you nor she showing any inclination to produce a lawyer, you for verisimilitude, and Delia for obvious reasons. A reader must suspend disbelief (or just play along anyway) from square one.
(Just two more critical issues, then some compliments.)
I found your departure from first-person narration to conclude the story, disconcerting, and your account of the facts of the crime, confusing, hard to follow, and possibly flawed. I was left with the impression that perhaps, eager to end a lengthy work, you gave that task short shrift.
You created an interesting character in Delia, a feisty old woman undergoing apparent injustices, but, as it turns out, actually a mass-murderer.
I like your use of the gray font to indicate Delia's unspoken thoughts. (I might borrow that idea some day.)
I'll be interested in reading "Delia Can't Stay Out of Trouble."
Don (aka Ogden)
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Congratulations on your first-place finish. But, I won't let that influence my review. I haven't read any of the other entries, and it wouldn't surprise me if none were better than yours. Or, on the other hand, if some were.
As you've gathered, I have some quibbles to share - beginning with the very plausibility of the story: A person experiences numerous pages of indignities, with somehow neither you nor she showing any inclination to produce a lawyer, you for verisimilitude, and Delia for obvious reasons. A reader must suspend disbelief (or just play along anyway) from square one.
(Just two more critical issues, then some compliments.)
I found your departure from first-person narration to conclude the story, disconcerting, and your account of the facts of the crime, confusing, hard to follow, and possibly flawed. I was left with the impression that perhaps, eager to end a lengthy work, you gave that task short shrift.
You created an interesting character in Delia, a feisty old woman undergoing apparent injustices, but, as it turns out, actually a mass-murderer.
I like your use of the gray font to indicate Delia's unspoken thoughts. (I might borrow that idea some day.)
I'll be interested in reading "Delia Can't Stay Out of Trouble."
Don (aka Ogden)
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Thank you so much, Ogden, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestions and complaints, and generous review are greatly appreciated. To start with your first question, Delia didn't, or wouldn't have opted quickly for an attorney to avoid giving the impression she had something to worry about. The story kept getting longer and longer as I wrote, only supposed to be a short piece. But everything in it took place over a few short hours, before they had to let Delia go on lack of evidence. I actually wrote this on my desk top at home, hoping to edit and improve it on my iPad between other obligations when I landed in Atlanta for the week. However, after spending an hour or two at a time trying to edit and polish a story that needed some serious work, I finally gave up. The story box froze and went back to the beginning every time I tried to change anything. As for the story ending at the switch from first person to third person, that's not exactly true. The story was over at the end of first person, but you readers had no idea what had really happened without the third person clarifications. Curtesy of me, the third-person narrator. The beginning, and the ending will be changed, as will the four intentionally fragmented sentences, and three incorrect word uses. Sorry, I didn't mean to write you a book and bore you to death. You spent a lot of time with your questions, so I felt you deserved a relatively complete answer. Thanks, I appreciate the review and suggestions. :-)
Comment from smerryman3
Extremely entertainment with alot of humor! I particularly enjoyed Delia's inner dialogue. Only one word issue: Do you mean "AFTER a short drive to the police station?"
The ending was a surprise, I actually thought she was innocent!
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Extremely entertainment with alot of humor! I particularly enjoyed Delia's inner dialogue. Only one word issue: Do you mean "AFTER a short drive to the police station?"
The ending was a surprise, I actually thought she was innocent!
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Yes, there are a few places that need some editing. Unfortunately, I wrote this on my desktop at home, and then left town for a week. Once I got to my destination and started trying to polish and correct some mistakes, I found that the story box would freeze up and flip back to the beginning whenever I would hit a key on my iPad. Darn it! Anyway, so I just had to go with what I had. Thank you so much, SMerryman3, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Annie_ Stone
That was a interesting story for sure. Smart old lady, setting up her alibi, only the wallet may have gave it away.... I enjoyed it. Thanks for the story! Annie
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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That was a interesting story for sure. Smart old lady, setting up her alibi, only the wallet may have gave it away.... I enjoyed it. Thanks for the story! Annie
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Thank you so much, Annie, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from F. Wehr3
The story was very creative and I was entertained throughout. The ending is more of a recounting of what really happened. I know you were trying to wrap it up, but it could used expansion.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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The story was very creative and I was entertained throughout. The ending is more of a recounting of what really happened. I know you were trying to wrap it up, but it could used expansion.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Yes, I agree with you totally, and appreciate your honesty. I wrote this on my desktop before leaving town for a week. My plans were to enhance and polish this story before the contest; unfortunately, after spending three hours on a few different occasions, I have been unable to edit on my iPad. When I make changes, every typing stroke takes the view box back to the beginning of the story and freezes up. DAMN IT! LOL! Thank you so much, Russell, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Once the contest is over, I will change the beginning, ending, and clean up fragments, mistakes, and weak sentences. Sorry I couldn't get it done before entering. Thanks, again. :-)
Comment from oliver818
I love your story! That old lady is amazing. You should rewrite the beginning though as the competition says it has to start with There was a knock st the door.' And the judges are very strict on this. Good luck with the competition
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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I love your story! That old lady is amazing. You should rewrite the beginning though as the competition says it has to start with There was a knock st the door.' And the judges are very strict on this. Good luck with the competition
Comment Written 31-May-2017
reply by the author on 31-May-2017
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Yes, I dislike the beginning as well as a few other places that need some polishing. I wrote this on my desk top, with intentions of cleaning it up while I'm out of town for the week. But when I got here, I found that I can't edit it on my iPad. Every time I try to make changes the story box goes back to the beginning and freezes. I spent about three hours on a couple different occasions trying to make the corrections, with no luck.Thank you so much, Oliver818, for taking time to ready my story. Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
