Livin' in the Bay
But in tears I left you drowning, drowning.19 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
This is a good song lyric, my friend. Sounds like a song read aloud. Can't hear the audio as my internet is slow.
one suggestion:
Livin' in the Bay.
Pretend I'm okay.
Livin' in the Bay.
Pretendin' I'm okay.
I think it makes sense to use in' instead of ING on all ing words if you're using it on livin.
Example edits:
searchin', searchin' for peace since I left you
cryin', cryin'--our love gutted and dyin'.
me?
scannin', scannin' crowds for traces of you
smilin', smilin'--our bodies entwinin'.
sailin', sailin', but in tears I left you
drownin', drownin'--your hands and heart flailin'.
searchin', searchin' for peace since I left you
cryin', cryin'--our love gutted and dyin'.
Good slant rhyme pair here:
Sweet memory
now history.
Poignant high notes:
You needed me.
Tragedy.
and the impacting closing:
crying, crying--our love gutted and dying.
How could it be?
Was it me?
Almost a six for lyric style and emotional pitch. Bravo
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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This is a good song lyric, my friend. Sounds like a song read aloud. Can't hear the audio as my internet is slow.
one suggestion:
Livin' in the Bay.
Pretend I'm okay.
Livin' in the Bay.
Pretendin' I'm okay.
I think it makes sense to use in' instead of ING on all ing words if you're using it on livin.
Example edits:
searchin', searchin' for peace since I left you
cryin', cryin'--our love gutted and dyin'.
me?
scannin', scannin' crowds for traces of you
smilin', smilin'--our bodies entwinin'.
sailin', sailin', but in tears I left you
drownin', drownin'--your hands and heart flailin'.
searchin', searchin' for peace since I left you
cryin', cryin'--our love gutted and dyin'.
Good slant rhyme pair here:
Sweet memory
now history.
Poignant high notes:
You needed me.
Tragedy.
and the impacting closing:
crying, crying--our love gutted and dying.
How could it be?
Was it me?
Almost a six for lyric style and emotional pitch. Bravo
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 29-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2017
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Rama, thank you for your generous review and edits. I adopted dropping the G on all ING verbs. I am retaining the "Pretend I'm okay," for know because it sounds better to my ear when I sing it. I do appreciate your citing the lines that you found struck an emotional pitch. I am building a a repertoire of songs I can sing and/or record in the future. Thank you for your review.
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Thanks for your gracious response, my friend, and I'm glad you liked the diction suggestion.
Warmest Smiles, rd
Comment from Thal1959
I guessed this was yours, Andre. It's hard for someone like me, who is musically challenges to say the least, to judge a song without music. But I definitely like the approach... "searching, searching for peace since I left you" Easily proclaiming he was the one who left the girl, but then asking, "Was it me?" It speaks of a decision he made, and probably thought he was right at the time, but can't seem to admit he may have been wrong. Good job.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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I guessed this was yours, Andre. It's hard for someone like me, who is musically challenges to say the least, to judge a song without music. But I definitely like the approach... "searching, searching for peace since I left you" Easily proclaiming he was the one who left the girl, but then asking, "Was it me?" It speaks of a decision he made, and probably thought he was right at the time, but can't seem to admit he may have been wrong. Good job.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Oh, thank you for your review! Sometimes breakups are not straight forward and there is a lot of second guessing about how the relationship ended and who's to blame. Sometimes no one is to blame and the two weren't meant to be together.
I play no instrument so I tried to captured the feel of my song. I just returned from a funeral in which people sang without musical accompaniment all the time.
Thank you for your review.
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No take it personally, Andre, but I'm glad I stayed a happy bachelor my whole life.
Comment from Lulube
That was terrific and with no music for back-up, you brave man. Great lyrics, tells a story of a heartbroken man and his loss through tragedy.
great piece
lulube
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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That was terrific and with no music for back-up, you brave man. Great lyrics, tells a story of a heartbroken man and his loss through tragedy.
great piece
lulube
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Lulube, for your encouraging review. I play no instrument, and have to use courage and talent to convey my song the best I can. Thanks.
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welcome
lulube
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi Poet. This is a great song entry rewrite. Dock of the Bay is a wonderful song to begin with but, the San Francisco connection is inspired. Good luck. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Hi Poet. This is a great song entry rewrite. Dock of the Bay is a wonderful song to begin with but, the San Francisco connection is inspired. Good luck. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Kiwi, for your encouraging review and for wishing me luck in the contest.
Comment from apky
I loved this especially in combination to your
explanations in the author's notes. The only
thing I might have wished for was the accompaniment
of a guita or piano to underscore your voice and the lyrics.
My fave:
On foggy Frisco nights,
I walk to see the sights,
scanning, scanning crowds for traces of you
smiling, smiling--our bodies entwining.
Sweet memory
now history.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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I loved this especially in combination to your
explanations in the author's notes. The only
thing I might have wished for was the accompaniment
of a guita or piano to underscore your voice and the lyrics.
My fave:
On foggy Frisco nights,
I walk to see the sights,
scanning, scanning crowds for traces of you
smiling, smiling--our bodies entwining.
Sweet memory
now history.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Oh thank you, Apky, for your review and suggestion. I also think a kalimba, steel drums, or chello might accompany my song. Thanks for picking out your favorite stanza, too.
Comment from Irish Rain
Just beautiful. I love Otis Redding, and this is as lovely, a great entry for this contest. Always wanted to live in San Francisco...lucky you!!! Blessings...
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Just beautiful. I love Otis Redding, and this is as lovely, a great entry for this contest. Always wanted to live in San Francisco...lucky you!!! Blessings...
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Irish Rain, for your review and wishing me the best in the contest. Thank you for your blessing, too.
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Voted for this one!!
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Oh, thank you, Mystery Voter. I appreciate your support.
Comment from ragerde
You got me with this one. Here I am, thinking that she left him, only to find out that he watched her drown and did nothing. It might be a little better sung to a tune that was a little more bluesy. He seemed to has such fond feelings for her and their relationship. I wish the lyrics let us in on why he did not save her.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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You got me with this one. Here I am, thinking that she left him, only to find out that he watched her drown and did nothing. It might be a little better sung to a tune that was a little more bluesy. He seemed to has such fond feelings for her and their relationship. I wish the lyrics let us in on why he did not save her.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Thank you, ragerde, for your intuitive review. Hearing different interpretations of my song thrills me and mystifies others.
Comment from Boogienights
I love you song lyrics, .very strong with great imagery. I like the way you describe the hills of San Francisco, and there's an appropriate sadness to the lyrics. I wish you good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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I love you song lyrics, .very strong with great imagery. I like the way you describe the hills of San Francisco, and there's an appropriate sadness to the lyrics. I wish you good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Thank you, Boogienights, for your review of my lyrics and for wishing me luck in the contest.
Comment from Wendy Winter
That was really, really fun. I walk along the bay every morning at sunrise and see many, many people alone. Has their love gone away? Your beautiful poem will play in my head during my next sunrise. Thanks for sharing.
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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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That was really, really fun. I walk along the bay every morning at sunrise and see many, many people alone. Has their love gone away? Your beautiful poem will play in my head during my next sunrise. Thanks for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Oh, thank you, Wendy, for your cheerful review. I am glad my poem will play in your head during your next sunrise!
Comment from pipersfancy
Recalling that one poet lives in the Bay area, I had a fairly good idea of who this might be... checked, and--yup--I was right.
I particularly enjoyed the refrain. It's catchy, and very effective (found myself humming along after hearing it the first time.)
Nicely done, and best of luck in the contest,
pf
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Recalling that one poet lives in the Bay area, I had a fairly good idea of who this might be... checked, and--yup--I was right.
I particularly enjoyed the refrain. It's catchy, and very effective (found myself humming along after hearing it the first time.)
Nicely done, and best of luck in the contest,
pf
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 16-Aug-2017
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Thank you, PF, for your encouraging review and for wishing me luck in the contest. You finding the refrain catchy and humming to it thrills me.
Sincerely,
Mystery Lyracist