Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Crows at dusk"Free verse poems
21 total reviews
Comment from mermaids
Your tanka captures the image and sounds of the crows. Crows deserve to be in a poem, they are so smart. Your words create the crows and the night as two characters that meet.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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Your tanka captures the image and sounds of the crows. Crows deserve to be in a poem, they are so smart. Your words create the crows and the night as two characters that meet.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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I agree with you about crows, I love them. They have so much character!
Carol
Comment from --Turtle.
Nice job with this poem, lots of vivid imagery through fun adjectives and active verbs. I like the nature and ominous intent around the crows. Gives the sense of trouble beginning.
I still am not very good with poetry forms, syllables and whatnot... so, I always warn when I make a comment for consideration: I wondered about the as if... in this poem. Thought, if there was a way to remove it, to allow for the drama of stating they are meeting the night as one... instead of as if meeting the night as one. Plus the as this as if...
I don't know if another adjective would work though, throw everything off, so it's just something to consider if you like.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Nice job with this poem, lots of vivid imagery through fun adjectives and active verbs. I like the nature and ominous intent around the crows. Gives the sense of trouble beginning.
I still am not very good with poetry forms, syllables and whatnot... so, I always warn when I make a comment for consideration: I wondered about the as if... in this poem. Thought, if there was a way to remove it, to allow for the drama of stating they are meeting the night as one... instead of as if meeting the night as one. Plus the as this as if...
I don't know if another adjective would work though, throw everything off, so it's just something to consider if you like.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Hi Turtle,
you always think through your reviews so well - I appreciate that. These tankas are so hard to do with the syllable counts, etc. I can't think of another way to say it, but I do see what you mean about the "as if". But of course, they aren't really going to meet the night - they are just looking for a place to roost. I always say hello to them as they go by :))
Carol
Comment from RGstar
"they swirl as one as if to meet
the swift approach of night".
The above creates the imagery.
Bravo.
Strong. Almost between Hitchcock, and the dark regions of Shakespeare...even Poe.
Nicely done.
My best wishes, dear author.
RG
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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"they swirl as one as if to meet
the swift approach of night".
The above creates the imagery.
Bravo.
Strong. Almost between Hitchcock, and the dark regions of Shakespeare...even Poe.
Nicely done.
My best wishes, dear author.
RG
Comment Written 15-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2018
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Thank you so much, many find this poem kind of dark - while I didn't mean it to be, I like that it appeals in different ways. I love crows, they seem to be very clever birds :)
Thanks so much, Roy,
Carol
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I like your 'attempt' at a Tanka.
I think it turned out pretty good.
The artwork is amazing also.
Well done and thank you for sharing this piece with us.
Sharon
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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I like your 'attempt' at a Tanka.
I think it turned out pretty good.
The artwork is amazing also.
Well done and thank you for sharing this piece with us.
Sharon
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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I usually say attempt so I can keep the tanka police off my back, lol. Thank you so much for reading my poem :)
Carol
Comment from Pam (respa)
-Good artwork.
-You have a good tanka, Carol,
with the haiku lines divided
by a good pivot line.
-The imagery is effective.
-Good description of the crows
in the first two lines.
-I like the use of 'swirl' and
the concluding lines.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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-Good artwork.
-You have a good tanka, Carol,
with the haiku lines divided
by a good pivot line.
-The imagery is effective.
-Good description of the crows
in the first two lines.
-I like the use of 'swirl' and
the concluding lines.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Thank you, I wrote this awhile ago in free verse and had to revive it as a tanka! I love to see the crows in their big flocks in the evening :)
Carol
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You are welcome, Carol. Thanks for sharing about the tanka and the crows. Have a good day.
Comment from rspoet
Hello Carol,
This is a very fine tanka of the crows.
Ironically, two just flew over my head
as I was walking on this sunny spring day.
They are a common sight, here.
You have excellent descriptive imagery of the crows
and a solid pivot line.
The repeated "s" and "o" sounds
amplify the mood of the approaching night.
Great imagery
Well done, my friend
unfortunately, I'm sixless
Robert
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Hello Carol,
This is a very fine tanka of the crows.
Ironically, two just flew over my head
as I was walking on this sunny spring day.
They are a common sight, here.
You have excellent descriptive imagery of the crows
and a solid pivot line.
The repeated "s" and "o" sounds
amplify the mood of the approaching night.
Great imagery
Well done, my friend
unfortunately, I'm sixless
Robert
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Hi Robert, and thanks for stopping by again. Do you ever see the crows flying in big flocks? I read that they all go together to roost, picking a different spot each night for safety from predators. As noisy as they are, it hardly seems like their destination is a secret! I love to see them :)
Carol
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I rarely see big flocks. Usually four to six.
They float on the thermal currents, which is interesting to watch. We have hawks, but they fly closer to the ground. One of the great sights is to see the Great Blue heron skimming down the lake.
Have a wonderful night.
So good to see you writing, again.
Robert
Comment from Cindy McIntyre
This is very good. I loved the word choice of "sooty wings in evening sky." They do swirl! So, I think you have succeeded in your Tonka attempt. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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This is very good. I loved the word choice of "sooty wings in evening sky." They do swirl! So, I think you have succeeded in your Tonka attempt. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Hi again, Cindy. Thanks for reading my tanka, I have another one coming up. For some reason I am trying these, which I used to avoid :)
Carol
Comment from misscookie
I like the artwork you choose to go with your poem
They are a perfect match I'm always in wonder how the fly in such form as if they were in a parade
I enjoyed your write
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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I like the artwork you choose to go with your poem
They are a perfect match I'm always in wonder how the fly in such form as if they were in a parade
I enjoyed your write
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Hi Cookie, thanks so much for reading :)
Carol
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It was my pleasure.
Take care.
Cookie
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It was my pleasure.
Take care.
Cookie
Comment from Gloria ....
Exceptional tanka. Your pivot line homeward bound and then introduction of the poet works exceptionally well, as does your haiku beginning.
I'd say this is a very good tanka, and the s sounds most definitely like swooping wings.
Gloria
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Exceptional tanka. Your pivot line homeward bound and then introduction of the poet works exceptionally well, as does your haiku beginning.
I'd say this is a very good tanka, and the s sounds most definitely like swooping wings.
Gloria
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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I actually tried to avoid alliteration but I suspect that shreds of it snuck in... ;)
Carol
Comment from CD Richards
This is why I seldom attempt "formal" styles. Every site I checked (and that's quite a few) says tanka is a 5-7-5-7-7 form. Yet this poem (which is lovely) is nothing like that - the only similarity is the 5 lines. Since it's not a contest piece, it matters not a bit, but I can just see it getting "DQed" because of the syllables. No doubt some other sites say the number doesn't matter.
Anyway, the poem gets off to a great start - "raucous" is a terrific word to use with reference to crows. The following lines conjures up scenes from "The Birds", played out at dusk. Really great stuff, Carol
Cheers,
Craig
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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This is why I seldom attempt "formal" styles. Every site I checked (and that's quite a few) says tanka is a 5-7-5-7-7 form. Yet this poem (which is lovely) is nothing like that - the only similarity is the 5 lines. Since it's not a contest piece, it matters not a bit, but I can just see it getting "DQed" because of the syllables. No doubt some other sites say the number doesn't matter.
Anyway, the poem gets off to a great start - "raucous" is a terrific word to use with reference to crows. The following lines conjures up scenes from "The Birds", played out at dusk. Really great stuff, Carol
Cheers,
Craig
Comment Written 14-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2018
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Hi Craig,
Thankfully I would never enter a Tanka contest, and I always call them "attempts" so that I'm safe, lol. I was following Jim's rules which say you aren't required to strictly use the 5-7-5-7-7 format, but you have to keep the poem within 32 syllables.
Thanks for reading about my crows :)
Carol
