Memory Eraser
When it's too painful to remember...53 total reviews
Comment from Mary Shifman
You really a master at writing these haunting poems that are at once lovely and poignant. Your rhyme is excellent as is the meter and imagery is very clear and visual. I really like it.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
  |
You really a master at writing these haunting poems that are at once lovely and poignant. Your rhyme is excellent as is the meter and imagery is very clear and visual. I really like it.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
-
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your opinion and I'm very happy you liked it. :)
Comment from SimianSavant
This work has a strong narrative arc and content, and the rhymes work well. Nice work. Technically perhaps it should be rated a 4 for issues in the meter but I'm going to issue a 5 here in hopes you makes some adjustments. The syllables counts run over on certain stanzas.
1 She sits upon the windowsill,
her eyes electric blue.
2 Her long black hair and ruby lips,
can cast a spell, it's true.
3 Each man that catches just a glimpse,
possesses her with a stare.
4 She has no interest in such looks,
she really doesn't care.
5 Her voice can mesmerize you,
her laugh like music chimes.
6 Some whisper that she is a witch,
her spells are deadly rhymes.
7 Some claim that they have dined with her,
a demon was their host.
8 Food served in dishes made of bones,
her butler was a ghost.
9 She's just a woman, flesh and blood,
there is no mystery.
10 Who in the past was badly hurt,
a violent history.
11 She prefers to be alone,
as she practices her craft.
12 brews a potion that helps you forget,
most people think she's daft.
13 She sells it cheap to those in need,
and drinks it everyday.
14 It makes his image disappear,
the memories fade away.
15 So do not fear, but pity her,
her lifelong love she's lost.
16 Her homemade potion tried and true,
is always worth the cost.
17 Once the world and life were hers,
'till love became her curse.
18 She keeps her thoughts locked in a box, so her heartache won't get worse.
19 The filled up barrels wait for her
a private lifetime supply.
20 Enough to ease her mind and soul,
as she sits and waits to die.
1-2 excellent up til the end. *it's true* is a bit of a let-down, as it is breaking the narrative arc with an opinion. There are a TON of other words that rhyme here. How about *can cast a spell on you*?
3 "possesses" is throwing in an extra syllable. The second syllable (po-SSE-sses) is the prominent syllable in the meter, and it sounds better without that third syllable so if you can figure out how to change it to *men* or some other plural it will flow a bit better. It's a tricky one to fix.
4 has no interest and doesn't care are redundant; see if you can add something else that tells us more. Lots of rhymes here like blair, scare, scare, ware etc
5 there is a missing syllable, implying a break between the first and second half, so if you keep it maybe consider a semicolon instead of a comma.
6-10 good
11 too many syllables for the meter; try *as she works her craft*
12 awkward. try *her potion helps you to forget*
13-17 excellent
18 the extra syllable is distracting the reader from the great content here. Remember that *hearse* also rhymes; maybe you can say something really haunting here
19 "Filled up" feels a little weak. Barrels of what? Potion? Was the potion made for herself? Too many syllables with *private*. This is really hard to adjust though while preserving the meaning of your content, which is good. Maybe something like *she's filled her barrels with the brew, a [copious]/[lifetime long] supply* but neither of these suggestions are perfect
20 excellent; just needs one less syllable to flow. Consider either omitting *as* or *sits and*. Either one would fix the meter.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
|
This work has a strong narrative arc and content, and the rhymes work well. Nice work. Technically perhaps it should be rated a 4 for issues in the meter but I'm going to issue a 5 here in hopes you makes some adjustments. The syllables counts run over on certain stanzas.
1 She sits upon the windowsill,
her eyes electric blue.
2 Her long black hair and ruby lips,
can cast a spell, it's true.
3 Each man that catches just a glimpse,
possesses her with a stare.
4 She has no interest in such looks,
she really doesn't care.
5 Her voice can mesmerize you,
her laugh like music chimes.
6 Some whisper that she is a witch,
her spells are deadly rhymes.
7 Some claim that they have dined with her,
a demon was their host.
8 Food served in dishes made of bones,
her butler was a ghost.
9 She's just a woman, flesh and blood,
there is no mystery.
10 Who in the past was badly hurt,
a violent history.
11 She prefers to be alone,
as she practices her craft.
12 brews a potion that helps you forget,
most people think she's daft.
13 She sells it cheap to those in need,
and drinks it everyday.
14 It makes his image disappear,
the memories fade away.
15 So do not fear, but pity her,
her lifelong love she's lost.
16 Her homemade potion tried and true,
is always worth the cost.
17 Once the world and life were hers,
'till love became her curse.
18 She keeps her thoughts locked in a box, so her heartache won't get worse.
19 The filled up barrels wait for her
a private lifetime supply.
20 Enough to ease her mind and soul,
as she sits and waits to die.
1-2 excellent up til the end. *it's true* is a bit of a let-down, as it is breaking the narrative arc with an opinion. There are a TON of other words that rhyme here. How about *can cast a spell on you*?
3 "possesses" is throwing in an extra syllable. The second syllable (po-SSE-sses) is the prominent syllable in the meter, and it sounds better without that third syllable so if you can figure out how to change it to *men* or some other plural it will flow a bit better. It's a tricky one to fix.
4 has no interest and doesn't care are redundant; see if you can add something else that tells us more. Lots of rhymes here like blair, scare, scare, ware etc
5 there is a missing syllable, implying a break between the first and second half, so if you keep it maybe consider a semicolon instead of a comma.
6-10 good
11 too many syllables for the meter; try *as she works her craft*
12 awkward. try *her potion helps you to forget*
13-17 excellent
18 the extra syllable is distracting the reader from the great content here. Remember that *hearse* also rhymes; maybe you can say something really haunting here
19 "Filled up" feels a little weak. Barrels of what? Potion? Was the potion made for herself? Too many syllables with *private*. This is really hard to adjust though while preserving the meaning of your content, which is good. Maybe something like *she's filled her barrels with the brew, a [copious]/[lifetime long] supply* but neither of these suggestions are perfect
20 excellent; just needs one less syllable to flow. Consider either omitting *as* or *sits and*. Either one would fix the meter.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
-
First of all...thank you for your excellent suggestions. I have to say that I agree with most of them and plan to fix them soon. I especially appreciate all the time and effort you put into helping me improve my poem. This is actually a repost from a poem I wrote a couple of years ago, and I think that my writing skills have improved thanks to being a FanStory member and fellow writers like yourself. Thanks again for all your help. :)
-
You are welcome!
Comment from Goodadvicechan
I like both the title and the picture.
The author has put in a lot of efforts to show the emotions and feelings buried in this poem. Good job!
The author comes up an interesting idea to prepare a craft to help people to erase their memories. It is a good thing to let the past be the past. Let go of the past and enjoy now and the future.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
|
I like both the title and the picture.
The author has put in a lot of efforts to show the emotions and feelings buried in this poem. Good job!
The author comes up an interesting idea to prepare a craft to help people to erase their memories. It is a good thing to let the past be the past. Let go of the past and enjoy now and the future.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
-
Thanks so much for this thoughtful review. :)
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
What a sad and tragic story. It is most tragic because all she can see in her future is more aloneness until she dies. The only thing you might change is possess which should be possesses. Best of luck with this in the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
|
What a sad and tragic story. It is most tragic because all she can see in her future is more aloneness until she dies. The only thing you might change is possess which should be possesses. Best of luck with this in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2021
-
Thanks for the tip, I changed it. This contest was a couple of years ago and I got 3rd place. Just thought I'd repost it with Halloween coming and all. Thanks for reading. :)
Comment from Y. M. Roger
A wonderful response to the prompt, Boogie -- love the rhythm you follow throughout this one that keeps the reader intrigued as well as 'rockin' right along! ;) Thanx for sharing! ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
|
A wonderful response to the prompt, Boogie -- love the rhythm you follow throughout this one that keeps the reader intrigued as well as 'rockin' right along! ;) Thanx for sharing! ;) Yvette
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
-
Thank you for reading and reviewing my poem. :)
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Awesome poem and so sorry I am out of 6 stars. I like this gothic tale with the perfect rhyme and scary atmosphere. "She sits upon the windowsill,
her eyes electric blue.
Her long black hair and ruby lips,
can cast a spell, it's true." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
|
Awesome poem and so sorry I am out of 6 stars. I like this gothic tale with the perfect rhyme and scary atmosphere. "She sits upon the windowsill,
her eyes electric blue.
Her long black hair and ruby lips,
can cast a spell, it's true." Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
-
Thank you so much...I'm glad you liked it. :)
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the "Use These Words" writing prompt.
This well written verse uses the required words smoothly and tells a clear story.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
|
I think this is a good entry for the "Use These Words" writing prompt.
This well written verse uses the required words smoothly and tells a clear story.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
-
Thanks for reading. This is actually an old post that I liked a?lot and wanted to share I did end up winning though. Thanks sgain.
Comment from Lulube
great concept, really creative. Love the rhythm and the rhymes. Great imagery with a fast read. A broken heart, that shares the remedy she uses to forget him. Being labelled a witch has no effect on her she cares no more.
great penning
lulube good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
 |
great concept, really creative. Love the rhythm and the rhymes. Great imagery with a fast read. A broken heart, that shares the remedy she uses to forget him. Being labelled a witch has no effect on her she cares no more.
great penning
lulube good luck in the contest
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
-
Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it. Thank you also for the 6 stars..it made this day great.
-
welcome
lulube
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
"Memory Eraser", is an exceptionally well-written and spine-chilling piece.This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. You KEEP WRITING and I'll KEEP READING. I look forward to seeing your next post.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
|
"Memory Eraser", is an exceptionally well-written and spine-chilling piece.This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. You KEEP WRITING and I'll KEEP READING. I look forward to seeing your next post.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
-
Thank you, I'm so honored to have you read and like my work. Thanks for taking time to read and review.
-
Boogienights, you're more than welcome, and I certainly enjoyed reading and reviewing your work.
Take care and God bless you,
the Duchess
Comment from Gloria ....
What a fantastic poem, Boogienights. All the while the good folks wanted to accuse her of being a "witch" when in fact she was quite the opposite. Such is life, yes?
This is written in good metre and rhymes and an excellent story is told.
Very nicely done indeed. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
|
What a fantastic poem, Boogienights. All the while the good folks wanted to accuse her of being a "witch" when in fact she was quite the opposite. Such is life, yes?
This is written in good metre and rhymes and an excellent story is told.
Very nicely done indeed. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for reading and reviewing, it's great to hear from you.
