Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Snakes in the Wind"Free verse poems
26 total reviews
Comment from Ogden
This is a very moving and expertly-written account of a lone woman living under harsh conditions, and the burden of haunting memories of loss and guilt.
One missing element, apparently overlooked, is her husband. Where was he at her time of great need?
Ogden (Call me Don)
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2018
  |
This is a very moving and expertly-written account of a lone woman living under harsh conditions, and the burden of haunting memories of loss and guilt.
One missing element, apparently overlooked, is her husband. Where was he at her time of great need?
Ogden (Call me Don)
Comment Written 23-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2018
-
I believe he was the one who (tragically) backed over the boy. You are right that I should at least mention the husband, thank you. The boy was actually not his, as I recall the story - she'd gotten pregnant as a teenager and when she got married her husband (good man) was willing to raise the child. Such a sad story. Many thanks for the review and suggestion!
Carol
-
You are most welcome, Carol.
Don
Comment from tfawcus
The simple, straightforward narration of this makes it most intense. There is some fabulous imagery in places. Your description of the wind, for example:
"a raw, roaring, constant wind,
that drives dust like nails and
snatches breath from your mouth."
You have caught the sense of open space, of loneliness, and of a life so hard that it finally defeats the human soul. (Her body an echoing shell that / no longer held light.)
You describe the tragedy of losing perhaps the only thing that was really precious in this harsh and unforgiving world, her three year old boy, and the blame she attaches to herself because of it, as as an erosion - almost as if it is just another result of the relentless driving force of the wind:
"Her heart crumbled into dust,
blown easily away through the acres
and acres of empty land;"
Finally, nothing else can touch her. There is nothing left to fear. Nothing left to live for.
A remarkable tale, told in a way that leaves a very great impression on your reader.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
|
The simple, straightforward narration of this makes it most intense. There is some fabulous imagery in places. Your description of the wind, for example:
"a raw, roaring, constant wind,
that drives dust like nails and
snatches breath from your mouth."
You have caught the sense of open space, of loneliness, and of a life so hard that it finally defeats the human soul. (Her body an echoing shell that / no longer held light.)
You describe the tragedy of losing perhaps the only thing that was really precious in this harsh and unforgiving world, her three year old boy, and the blame she attaches to herself because of it, as as an erosion - almost as if it is just another result of the relentless driving force of the wind:
"Her heart crumbled into dust,
blown easily away through the acres
and acres of empty land;"
Finally, nothing else can touch her. There is nothing left to fear. Nothing left to live for.
A remarkable tale, told in a way that leaves a very great impression on your reader.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
-
This is such a great review, I am humbled by it. That idea of loneliness and open space is exactly what I felt thinking about that woman, and what I hoped to convey. What you said about her having nothing left to fear is so perfect - I didn't think of that, exactly, but you are right. She did end up in the state mental hospital for awhile, but came out and had more children. It was just that first one, her special boy that was lost in a way most horrible. Probably her husband who ran over him - so, so awful to contemplate.
Thank you so much, Tony.
Carol
Comment from mally mack
Hello There
This was an interesting story to read in poetry form. I do suggest changing that second wind to something else. When read aloud it comes across with redundancy over the tongue as if they are too close together.
Best Wishes
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
|
Hello There
This was an interesting story to read in poetry form. I do suggest changing that second wind to something else. When read aloud it comes across with redundancy over the tongue as if they are too close together.
Best Wishes
Comment Written 23-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
-
I will take a look, I know what you mean about too many of the same word.
Carol
Comment from Cindy McIntyre
Wow. What a wonderfully descriptive poem/story. You had so many wonderful word choice "dust like nails" "diamond-backed knots." The little boy and busy mother were so well-written but what a sad story.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
|
Wow. What a wonderfully descriptive poem/story. You had so many wonderful word choice "dust like nails" "diamond-backed knots." The little boy and busy mother were so well-written but what a sad story.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
-
Yes it is such a sad story, what a hard life she had. Thanks so much for reading my work :))
Carol
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
This is a very sad and touching story and every word sent a shiver down my spine, such a tragedy and your descriptions and imagery set the scene and lured me into the story, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
|
This is a very sad and touching story and every word sent a shiver down my spine, such a tragedy and your descriptions and imagery set the scene and lured me into the story, love Dolly x
Comment Written 22-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
-
Thanks, Dolly, I appreciate your kind words :)
Carol
Comment from Hugh McDowell
This is such a sad story that I could easily believe happened. An isolated, lonely existence constantly surrounded by a ceaseless wind. Very powerful writing that engages the reader and doesn't let loose. Humans for the most part are social creatures, living in isolation could certainly drive a person mad. Excellent flow and sequencing of events. Hugh
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
|
This is such a sad story that I could easily believe happened. An isolated, lonely existence constantly surrounded by a ceaseless wind. Very powerful writing that engages the reader and doesn't let loose. Humans for the most part are social creatures, living in isolation could certainly drive a person mad. Excellent flow and sequencing of events. Hugh
Comment Written 22-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2018
-
Thank you so much, I agree with you about isolation - it is not good for most of us.
Carol
Comment from Mastery
Look at all of the strong verbd and adjectives in this poem, Carol. I bet you weren't even aware of them as you wrote the poem, were you? It is the natural talent inside of you that propelled this one on to paper. Bravo! This is a gem, Carol. so sorry no sixes left for it. Darn! Good job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
|
Look at all of the strong verbd and adjectives in this poem, Carol. I bet you weren't even aware of them as you wrote the poem, were you? It is the natural talent inside of you that propelled this one on to paper. Bravo! This is a gem, Carol. so sorry no sixes left for it. Darn! Good job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
-
Thanks, Bob, I appreciate the virtual six :))
Carol
Comment from Ulla
Hi Carol, oh this is dark,so very dark. the vastness was just too much for this poor girl. I especially liked:
She let the snakes alone then and stared
straight into the wind,
away toward the invisible
mountains; off into the dream
of a gentle world and into
the wilderness
of her soul.
A wonderful poem. Ulla;)))
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
|
Hi Carol, oh this is dark,so very dark. the vastness was just too much for this poor girl. I especially liked:
She let the snakes alone then and stared
straight into the wind,
away toward the invisible
mountains; off into the dream
of a gentle world and into
the wilderness
of her soul.
A wonderful poem. Ulla;)))
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
-
She went kind of crazy for awhile and went into the state mental hospital. But came back home eventually and I think had more children. Poor thing! Not an easy life.
Thanks Ulla :))
Carol
Comment from trumby
This is GREAT. It's so typical of townies who marry country blokes and move into the bush. They've been brought up on a solid diet of those bloody "rural-romance" novels and don't realize that a lot of life in the bush is really just hard work and loneliness.
I grew up in the bush and I've seen it happen several times with city shielas.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
|
This is GREAT. It's so typical of townies who marry country blokes and move into the bush. They've been brought up on a solid diet of those bloody "rural-romance" novels and don't realize that a lot of life in the bush is really just hard work and loneliness.
I grew up in the bush and I've seen it happen several times with city shielas.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
-
Hi, thanks so much! I am not sure if she was a townie or not, she was from an old Montana family although might have grown up in Great Falls and not on a ranch. You are right that growing up in the bush is hard work and very lonely - whether you are in Australia, or the American West. It's easy to romanticize the lifestyle if you don't know that much about it...
Thanks again,
Carol
Comment from kiwijenny
This was chilling in its ache,,,,a woman aching for her child...who she felt responsible for...what a death. No wonder she lost it...I'm not sure I would be tough enough...I've been to a funeral like that where 2 year old was playing and the truck lurched into him and crushed him...I walked around my vehicle before getting in it for years.
God bless,,,.grrrrrr
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
|
This was chilling in its ache,,,,a woman aching for her child...who she felt responsible for...what a death. No wonder she lost it...I'm not sure I would be tough enough...I've been to a funeral like that where 2 year old was playing and the truck lurched into him and crushed him...I walked around my vehicle before getting in it for years.
God bless,,,.grrrrrr
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
-
I cannot imagine causing the death of your own child. Well she didn't really, but the second guessing is terrible. I am always extra careful driving too, whether it's kids or pets running around!!
Thank you so much for the review,
Carol
