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Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Snakes in the Wind"Free verse poems
26 total reviews
Comment from Mark Valentine
I just wrote a review for this, but I don't think it saved before I sent it. This is marvelous! One of the best things I've read on the site (or anywhere). Each stanza is a work of art in itself and sets up the next.
I love the "but I knew different" intro.
The second stanza has my favorite line, "east of the Divide, west of nowhere;", and ends with the foreshadowing "raw, roaring, constant wind, that ... snatches breath from your mouth." - an image that you come back to in the fifth stanza.
The third and fourth stanzas introduce the snakes, that, for me at least, serve as both a metaphor for, and a contrast to, the more unimaginable fear that is realized in the fifth stanza.
I like how you describe the anguish of the "if only..." thoughts and the numb hollow feeling that sets in after the event is digested. "Her heart crumbled into dust" and "Her body an echoing shell that held no light".
And then you circle back to show that the once dreaded snakes now hold no fear - what can a person who has lost everything be afraid of? And, for such a person, an ordinary gentle world becomes an unattainable dream - always off in the distance.
powerful and beautiful
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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I just wrote a review for this, but I don't think it saved before I sent it. This is marvelous! One of the best things I've read on the site (or anywhere). Each stanza is a work of art in itself and sets up the next.
I love the "but I knew different" intro.
The second stanza has my favorite line, "east of the Divide, west of nowhere;", and ends with the foreshadowing "raw, roaring, constant wind, that ... snatches breath from your mouth." - an image that you come back to in the fifth stanza.
The third and fourth stanzas introduce the snakes, that, for me at least, serve as both a metaphor for, and a contrast to, the more unimaginable fear that is realized in the fifth stanza.
I like how you describe the anguish of the "if only..." thoughts and the numb hollow feeling that sets in after the event is digested. "Her heart crumbled into dust" and "Her body an echoing shell that held no light".
And then you circle back to show that the once dreaded snakes now hold no fear - what can a person who has lost everything be afraid of? And, for such a person, an ordinary gentle world becomes an unattainable dream - always off in the distance.
powerful and beautiful
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Hi Mark,
You are such a wonderful supporter of my work, I really appreciate it. I thought someone might ding me for that "I knew different" because I think that is not correct English - but I wanted it that way because I felt it helped insert me into the story a little bit. Thanks for noticing so much about this poem, almost more than I know myself when I'm writing. You know, that lady ended up in the Warm Springs State Mental Hospital, a place known (by reputation) to every Montana kid. But only for awhile, she came home and I think had more children.
Thanks again, you're the best :)))
Carol
Comment from jenintorre
I love this poem, it is amazing. So sad, so believable, so exquisitely written.
Definately a six starrer. It is the best poem that I have read in such a very long time.
Best wishes. Jen.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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I love this poem, it is amazing. So sad, so believable, so exquisitely written.
Definately a six starrer. It is the best poem that I have read in such a very long time.
Best wishes. Jen.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Wow, thank you so much!! Kind of funny, I really appreciate your kind words :))
Carol
Comment from Pantygynt
This is another fantastic offering. When you release yourself from strictly formal poetry (like cinquains for example) you are free to let your mind and pen wander off into amazing areas.
I love the way that this poem is both beautifully descriptive of a harsh and unforgiving environment at the same time as it tells a story of heartbreaking intensity at the same time as it paints a poetic portrait of the chief protagonist in the story. You are honing the art of poetic narrative to razor sharpness here. it just hast to be worth six stars.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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This is another fantastic offering. When you release yourself from strictly formal poetry (like cinquains for example) you are free to let your mind and pen wander off into amazing areas.
I love the way that this poem is both beautifully descriptive of a harsh and unforgiving environment at the same time as it tells a story of heartbreaking intensity at the same time as it paints a poetic portrait of the chief protagonist in the story. You are honing the art of poetic narrative to razor sharpness here. it just hast to be worth six stars.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Hello and thank you!! I'm happy to get some great reviews, like this one, because Philip didn't like it. I think the theme is too harsh for his taste - in spite of the fact that it's (more or less) a true story. He said he didn't get the point of it, oh well. I am enjoying the free verse these days. When I go to the open mike meetings, I find that I like the free verse more than the rhyming poems, for the most part. It feels more relevant for "today" I think.
I knew I would write about this story since I heard it in June. Took me awhile to mull it over first :)
Carol
Comment from barkingdog
Poor poor soul. Alone and suffering such loss with her child's death. Blaming herself for not calling to him. Withdrawing into herself, much like the frightened snakes in the corner, is the only escape from her horrid reality.
For some reason I was drawn to this description:
'She ran out screaming,
shovel in trembling hands,
chopping and slicing, almost
without direction;
she screamed
as if she didn't know that
they were equally
afraid.'
Ya done good, real good.
:) ellen xoxox
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Poor poor soul. Alone and suffering such loss with her child's death. Blaming herself for not calling to him. Withdrawing into herself, much like the frightened snakes in the corner, is the only escape from her horrid reality.
For some reason I was drawn to this description:
'She ran out screaming,
shovel in trembling hands,
chopping and slicing, almost
without direction;
she screamed
as if she didn't know that
they were equally
afraid.'
Ya done good, real good.
:) ellen xoxox
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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I felt so sorry for the poor snakes when I heard the story. That's my usual, I feel worse for the animals than the people - although it is heartbreaking about that little boy.
Thanks so much, Ellen :))
Carol
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow, this is really intense, Carol. Left me shaking. Poor woman lost her little boy... that's as bad as life can get, I think. Had that been me, I would have jumped off the highest cliff I could find. As tragic as it is, it's a well written poem with great description. Good job. :)
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Wow, this is really intense, Carol. Left me shaking. Poor woman lost her little boy... that's as bad as life can get, I think. Had that been me, I would have jumped off the highest cliff I could find. As tragic as it is, it's a well written poem with great description. Good job. :)
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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I agree with you, that is as bad as it gets. Although I have seen parents in tears when they lost their son to an avalanche - terrible. Thanks for reading, Phyllis,
Carol
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hello Carol, this is a breathtaking piece of free verse and a worthy six. Every stanza is filled with excellent use of metaphor and I enjoyed every one. You certainly know how to tell a story. Wonderful read of a heart-breaking story. Warm regards Dorothy x
ps. This should have been a free verse contest entry!
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Hello Carol, this is a breathtaking piece of free verse and a worthy six. Every stanza is filled with excellent use of metaphor and I enjoyed every one. You certainly know how to tell a story. Wonderful read of a heart-breaking story. Warm regards Dorothy x
ps. This should have been a free verse contest entry!
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Oh geez, I never think of the contests! Also, sometimes when I try something new I'm not sure how it will go over...kind of wonder after sending it out there.
Thanks Dorothy :))
Carol
Comment from rama devi
WOW. This is so powerful, my dear. It took my breath away (along with hers)...
Highly original and imaginative story poem style. Superb deep POV, characterization and poetic portrait. Dee and penetrating emotional tenor. Outstanding descriptive imagery (I felt I was right there).
Phrasing, flow and phonetics are all superb too.
Stand out sections:
a raw, roaring, constant wind,
that drives dust like nails and
snatches breath from your mouth.
and
if only she had set aside the rising dough,
the sewing, sweeping, washing-mending-sobbing,
for just a moment, she could
have called his name.
This is so poignant as well:
But she didn't, and sweat rolled
into her eyes
next to the red-hot stove.
Her heart crumbled into dust,
blown easily away through the acres
and acres of empty land;
H(h)er body an echoing shell that
held no light.
(note one spag above on capitalization)
The closing stanza serves a textured AHA. Brilliant. Bravo.
A six!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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WOW. This is so powerful, my dear. It took my breath away (along with hers)...
Highly original and imaginative story poem style. Superb deep POV, characterization and poetic portrait. Dee and penetrating emotional tenor. Outstanding descriptive imagery (I felt I was right there).
Phrasing, flow and phonetics are all superb too.
Stand out sections:
a raw, roaring, constant wind,
that drives dust like nails and
snatches breath from your mouth.
and
if only she had set aside the rising dough,
the sewing, sweeping, washing-mending-sobbing,
for just a moment, she could
have called his name.
This is so poignant as well:
But she didn't, and sweat rolled
into her eyes
next to the red-hot stove.
Her heart crumbled into dust,
blown easily away through the acres
and acres of empty land;
H(h)er body an echoing shell that
held no light.
(note one spag above on capitalization)
The closing stanza serves a textured AHA. Brilliant. Bravo.
A six!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much rd! My husband did not care for this one, maybe too disturbing with the death of the child and the snakes...but those two things are true. The rest is creative license, but I will never forget the story of this woman - a relative of my best friend from high school. Life was just so hard in those days (probably the early 1900s) in what was still the frontier.
Thanks so much for pointing out the sections you liked. It was interesting how the poem evolved, and I was happy to think of the wind driving dust like nails.
I think we all have times of feeling so busy that we don't do what we ought...call in our child from the driveway, make sure the dog didn't get out, etc., etc. But for the grace of God, there go I...you know what I mean?
Thanks again, I so value your support :))
love,
Carol
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So sorry it is not fiction. It's so intense! I can see why your hubby did not like it on that level. That image was remarkable and vivid. Brilliant, even! The wind driving the nails. Wow!
And yes, I do know what you mean!
Love,
rd
Comment from CD Richards
I find it difficult to imagine what it must be like to lose a precious child at such a young age (any age, really). For someone who is already struggling, I would think the effects could be quite beyond devastating. You've told this story exceedingly well, Carol. The language conveys very well the harshness and isolation of the situation you describe. Great job, Craig
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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I find it difficult to imagine what it must be like to lose a precious child at such a young age (any age, really). For someone who is already struggling, I would think the effects could be quite beyond devastating. You've told this story exceedingly well, Carol. The language conveys very well the harshness and isolation of the situation you describe. Great job, Craig
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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It was an arresting story, and I knew it was one that I'd turn into a poem some day. It only took two months of thinking about it. I do believe that people in that time went through unbelievable hardship, and they were tough - even the weaker of them. This lady ended up in the state mental hospital, called Warm Springs. Every kid in Montana knew about it, and so it had a kind of legendary status. She did get out, and I can't remember the rest of her story too well. But she did attack those snakes, that part was true.
Carol
Comment from meeshu
very well penned, ciliverde. a tragic story written I excellent verse and language. it reminds me of Dylan's "Hollis Brown" great work.............meeshu
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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very well penned, ciliverde. a tragic story written I excellent verse and language. it reminds me of Dylan's "Hollis Brown" great work.............meeshu
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Oh my goodness, I had to google what Hollis Brown was. I hope that is not a true story, how sad! The story I heard is also very sad, but at least the lady lived in my story, and I believe had more children.
Thanks so much for the review,
Carol
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both tragic and I suspect both true.
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Oh my goodness, hello, this gave me goosebumps, it is written with such sensitivity and poetry that it feels real. So well written, and I am sure you are talking for so many pioneering women, who like you say, '...if only she had set aside the rising dough,
the sewing, sweeping, washing-mending-sobbing, ...' what a hard life they had, and I imagine they birthed children on their own a lot too, scary!!. I just loved this, and feel it is so deserving of a good rating, cheers, and thanks for sharing this wonderful free verse poem, cheers, Ana.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Oh my goodness, hello, this gave me goosebumps, it is written with such sensitivity and poetry that it feels real. So well written, and I am sure you are talking for so many pioneering women, who like you say, '...if only she had set aside the rising dough,
the sewing, sweeping, washing-mending-sobbing, ...' what a hard life they had, and I imagine they birthed children on their own a lot too, scary!!. I just loved this, and feel it is so deserving of a good rating, cheers, and thanks for sharing this wonderful free verse poem, cheers, Ana.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2018
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Thank you so much, I still need to read your latest. I saw you had posted it but was too tired to do it justice. Thank you so much for the excellent rating and noticing that line about their hard work. Women today still work hard, many have jobs, kids, do most of the housework, shopping, etc. Not easy for us! We need to stick together :))
Carol
