Comment from Pantygynt

Exceptional

This is a great meeting of science and art. Your knowledge and experience of both worlds means tha no mention of snow is necessary for the imagery to work, fabricated in the 'structure of molecules; the way that single crystals grow'. The word snow is totally unecessary.

The early part of the poem is also an interesting observation on youth seen through later eyes of greater experience. I just love the way you put so many ideas into a single piece of free verse.

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2018

Thank you so much :)
When I was an avalanche forecaster we used to teach safety classes. One of the subjects was about the "human factor" in avalanche deaths, and the fact that most of the victims were young males under 30 years of age. Very few women are killed and they are usually part of a group led by men. Interesting, no? I learned so much in the years following that accident...glad that you liked the science thrown in there.
Thanks again, much appreciated,
Carol

reply by Pantygynt on 27-Aug-2018

Interesting statistics. Perhaps a case of fools rushing in wherecangels fear to tread.

Comment from Dorothy Farrell

Exceptional

Hello Carol, this is a stunning piece of writing - I loved it but fully aware of the meaning I was also very moved. This is the second piece of free verse of yours I have read in a matter of days, both so well written. Reading your author notes I can imagine the emotion that went in to writing this. Very well done and good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy xx

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 28-Aug-2018

Hi Dorothy,
I am so pleased and humbled that you know my story so well, and that you continue to support my work. I was trying to write another story about him and it wasn't working out, so I turned to poetry instead. Thank you so much for this outstanding review - I appreciate it more than I can say :))
Carol

Comment from CD Richards

Excellent

A very graphic ending, which I think is probably enough to give the reader the idea you are referring to an avalanche. Do you think he knew all the dangers, and deliberately ignored them, or was he just not aware?

I've learned that what we love most
may transform into that which
kills us in the end...

How true, especially when it comes to dangerous hobbies (or psychopathic partners). A very poignant reminder.

Fine job with this, Carol, well done.

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2018

I am not sure how well he knew the dangers. He had attended the National Avalanche School, which is a three day program. But he was probably preoccupied with moving fast and impressing his new friends. That was his first time skiing in the backcountry with his group of guys, the "cool" guys in that mountain town. He cut across the face of a mountain peak instead of staying on the ridge - and the face had a wind slab on it and was dangerous. There are cliff bands on that mountain and he was killed tumbling over them.

By the way, an aunt of mine was married to a guy who was schizophrenic. When he got off his meds, she had to climb out the bathroom window to escape - yikes! Here's to avoiding psychopathic partners!

Carol

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Powerful poem, expressing the fear and tragedy of being caught in an avalanche. And yes, it's very clear that you're talking about snow because you start off with avalanche and being buried in it.

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2018

Thanks, Phyllis, much appreciated.
Carol

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

Hi Carol. This is a wonderful entry for the free verse poetry contest. I remember that you have said your boyfriend died in an avalanche. A tragedy. Your poem is so well done, especially the last stanza. In reading your author's note--no--the word snow isn't necessary because your word choices convey your message perfectly without it. Marilyn

 Comment Written 27-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2018

Thanks, Marilyn, I thought it might do for the contest, although the deadline isn't until November. If I thought about a poem for that long I'd go nuts, lol. Thanks for answering that question in my notes :))
Carol

reply by BeasPeas on 27-Aug-2018

I'm LOL. It's true we can think things too much till we get sick of them.

Comment from Pamusart

Excellent

Hi Cliverde. This seems like a good entry for the contest. I especially like the last stanza. I do not think you halve to specifically mention snpw. I knew it was snow. Not sure if it was from the title or not. I did not try to decipher where snow came from. Good luck in the contest. Thank you for sharing

"and so the stunning mountain fell to earth
in clouds of luminous chaos,
coming to terrible rest, at last, and
streaks of scarlet lay
within the wreckage of white."

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 27-Aug-2018

Thank you so much for the review and feedback, much appreciated :)
Carol

Comment from Gloria ....

Excellent

Carol this is a terrific free verse, and regarding your mention in your author notes if not mentioning snow I believe it works considering the title Avalanche Country.

I see the first stanza as the depression, shock of a death causing sleep, real sleep, not metaphorical sleep that was refreshing because it joined you in dreams again, but each time you awoke to in the agonizing screams of birth to the dull, awful truth.

As a stand alone free verse it works incredibly well, but there is so much ground to cover this poem could be another 100 poems at least. That's just my opinion.

Fantastic albeit very sad poem.

I wish you much luck in the contest with this beauty.

Gloria

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2018

It could be many more poems, maybe there will be a few more...probably not 100, lol. Thanks so much, Gloria,

Carol

Comment from heart of Lou

Excellent

A beautiful, if heartbreaking poem. I don't know...because you don't mention cold or snow or winter I imagined an avalanche of rock, not a winter scene. I thought the artwork was leaves until I read your comment, so perhaps all you need to do is use a picture that clearly says 'winter'.

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2018

Usually when rocks fall it's called a rockfall or debris flow, but technically you are right. I'm not sure it matters what type of accident it was though, I hope not anyway. Thanks so much :))
Carol

Comment from Wabigoon

Excellent

Ciliverde--
I like the way you write but...boy, is this "obscure" to those who do not know you. You clue me in in the notes and what you say is fascinating so I really don't see why more of that can't be in the poem. A very powerful story, subject matter to work with. Thanks, I will look for more.

Wabigoon/Jeff

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2018

Hi, yes it is obscure. I was hoping the title would shed some light on it, probably not enough for everyone I guess. It's hard to write about as I'm sure you can imagine. For example, even in the notes I couldn't write that his aorta ruptured, which is why it occurred to me so much later that the snow would be stained red. I wrote it at first and then deleted it. I was hoping the poem would be a stand-alone (with the title) addressing grief following loss, how our own mistakes are so crucial to life and death, how often there is just a thin line between us and our demise - whether we know it or not. I hope you do read more!! Thank you,
Carol

Comment from WildWithWords

Excellent

Firstly I have to admit to having not been a fan of free verse, but secondly I'm learning to like it (I've even started writing it.... go figure). Especially when it is well expressed as this piece is and also makes use of emotive and stylish phrasing - "clouds of luminous chaos" and "streaks of scarlet lay within the wreckage of white" - which clearly show the author's intent that the piece BE poetry rather than "news".

Especially like the way you explain/describe the audacity of youth and how we later in life come to realize how foolhardy it made us in circumstances such as these.

I'm loathe to advise a poet who obviously knows what she is doing to change specific words, however, I believe I would change just the one word. "Pieces" is a slightly more poetic word than the (IMO) clumsy "bits" used in stanza 4. Just a suggestion and the work is fine without the change if you prefer.

I was going to question/ask about the "green gaze" initially, but I'm thinking now that is probably eye color. If not, I'd be interested in the meaning.

Very enjoyable and (after reading your notes) I'm so sorry for your loss.

Bill

 Comment Written 26-Aug-2018

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reply by the author on 26-Aug-2018

I used to not like free verse myself, but when I started going to open mic poetry meetings I found I liked the free verse better than the rhyming stuff. It's more modern I guess. In a way it's harder to write, I'm finding.

I like your suggestion, in fact I had it as 'pieces' first, and I'm going to change it back. I may even axe the word 'tiny' and just go with pieces.

Yes, the green is (was) eye color. When I met him (another poem) the first thing I noticed was his eyes. I was instantly smitten...many years ago now. 37 years.

Thanks, Bill, I appreciate this review and the suggestion :))
Carol

reply by WildWithWords on 26-Aug-2018

Happy to have helped. That's supposed to be what we are here for.

reply by the author on 27-Aug-2018

Lol, you are right, we are supposed to help. That is what I like about this site the most - when I get help :))