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Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "The Taste of Freedom"Free verse poems
16 total reviews
Comment from RodG
I love how you capture the essence of youth IN THE WEST under wide blue skies and prairie that swept into the mountains. The Speaker's zest for life and innocence really come through. The sadness of dreams unattained also comes through in your last two stanzas. I, too, grew up out there and you bring it all back. Nicely done. Rod
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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I love how you capture the essence of youth IN THE WEST under wide blue skies and prairie that swept into the mountains. The Speaker's zest for life and innocence really come through. The sadness of dreams unattained also comes through in your last two stanzas. I, too, grew up out there and you bring it all back. Nicely done. Rod
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Thanks, Rod, I was indeed a very innocent young lady at the time I lived out there - I had fairly strict parents, but for some reason they let me go live out in Red Lodge for a few months before I turned 18 - with my best friend at the time. I really want to go back and visit the area, it is gorgeous. Where did you grow up exactly? Thanks for the awesome review :))
Carol
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Sounds like you had a great adventure. I grew up in Reno, Nevada and Lake Tahoe. Rod
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Oh I love that area around Lake Tahoe! Haven't been in years but I used to love going there.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a wonderful free verse testament to youth. Everything can seem so sure and certain in one's youth, and for some, the lucky few, it actually works out that way. Most of us though, as you realise in your final stanza have to make the best of the hand we are dealt, and that is usually 'the maze of work and duty, in spades!
You seem to be playing pretty well though, all things considered.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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This is a wonderful free verse testament to youth. Everything can seem so sure and certain in one's youth, and for some, the lucky few, it actually works out that way. Most of us though, as you realise in your final stanza have to make the best of the hand we are dealt, and that is usually 'the maze of work and duty, in spades!
You seem to be playing pretty well though, all things considered.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Thank you for the exceptional rating, much appreciated. Regarding that final stanza, I had one person comment that the poem might be better without it - just ending with
'..my wisdom bled away,
though I did not know it
until now.'
What do you think? To tell you the truth, I was tempted to end it with this sentence and ended up adding that final stanza.
Carol
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I have agonized over this question and reread the poem several times since., coming to different decisions each time, probably dependent on mood.
Because that last stanza is different in theme, and rhythm from the main body of the poem, my final recommendation is that it should go; amputation is the best answer, but it should not be cast away completely. Instead I think it could form the basis for another poem, a companion, that deals with what has happened since and why. Was it just a developmental thing, a growing up, or was it a more traumatic change as a result of the avalanche and all that entailed?
You have written a number of autobiographical free verse poems recently that are all of a high standard. I can see a collection building up. It would make great reading.
Sorry to have been so long in replying but for a long time I wasn't sure. Having slept on it and reread it again this morning, this overlong reply to a simple question is my considered answer.
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Thank you for your considered reply, you are great with this kind of thing. I kind of felt it should go as well, but wanted your take on it first.
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It was a tough one, but i think it was the right decision
Comment from kiwisteveh
Carol, this is a lovely, poignant poem depicting how the dreams and 'knowing' of youth change over time and can leave us with tremendous feelings of regret.
I liked how the beautiful descriptions of your surroundings highlighted the feelings of happiness and invincibility of 'those days'. These lines are particularly pretty:
that handsome boy;
the acres of prairie facing massed
blue mountains;
the soft breath of horses;
wide, streaky dawns and soft nights
full of stars.
Steve
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Carol, this is a lovely, poignant poem depicting how the dreams and 'knowing' of youth change over time and can leave us with tremendous feelings of regret.
I liked how the beautiful descriptions of your surroundings highlighted the feelings of happiness and invincibility of 'those days'. These lines are particularly pretty:
that handsome boy;
the acres of prairie facing massed
blue mountains;
the soft breath of horses;
wide, streaky dawns and soft nights
full of stars.
Steve
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Did you feel that 'wisdom' too when you were young? Lol - it goes away the older you get. The love of that place has stayed with me over the years though. Thanks so much for the great review, Steve,
Carol
Comment from Gloria ....
Oh Carol, yowza is this ever good. The taste of freedom gin clear is one of those lines so good, an envious person would cry for.--brilliant, and then with the grinning teeth sporting a defiant cigarette, and the hills and the trucks.
Such a terrific poem, it's just like being there. If I had a six left you would get two of them for this beauty.
A fine, fine poem, Carol. :)
Gloria
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reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Oh Carol, yowza is this ever good. The taste of freedom gin clear is one of those lines so good, an envious person would cry for.--brilliant, and then with the grinning teeth sporting a defiant cigarette, and the hills and the trucks.
Such a terrific poem, it's just like being there. If I had a six left you would get two of them for this beauty.
A fine, fine poem, Carol. :)
Gloria
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Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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I've been on a gin kick lately, lol. The story is all true, the smoking and charging down the highway on our way to work on the sheep ranch. Not mentioned was the fact that we blasted Jimi Hendrix as well. Fun times!
Thank you, Gloria, your praise truly means a lot to me as you are such an amazing poet :))
Carol
Comment from phill doran
Hello Ciliverde
Phew! I am NOT a free-verse person, but that opening stanza is a cracker: really good writing. I am also a miser with my stars, so polish these ones and set them aside - they will have value as collector's items in due course I am sure.
As i say, I am no expert in this form, but I feel that the last verse isn't adding that much and you could have finished at "...though I did not know it /until now..." Just a thought - I am trying to squeeze a seventh star into this and I mean no disrespect at all to this work as it stands.
I am not going to quote your text back at you and highlight the highlights: it's all good, better than good.
The sentiment expressed is universal and this, for me, is why it works: I do not read to be informed on "a" specific human's condition, but rather to contemplate "the" human condition through the thoughts of others, those who are making the same journey through the senses as I am, and your honesty and candour in opening your heart actually opens all hearts. It would be a lost opportunity if you did not try to get this viewed outside of FS
I so enjoyed reading this: thank you.
I wish you well
cheers
phill
"spring wind bursts" or "spring winds burst?"
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Hello Ciliverde
Phew! I am NOT a free-verse person, but that opening stanza is a cracker: really good writing. I am also a miser with my stars, so polish these ones and set them aside - they will have value as collector's items in due course I am sure.
As i say, I am no expert in this form, but I feel that the last verse isn't adding that much and you could have finished at "...though I did not know it /until now..." Just a thought - I am trying to squeeze a seventh star into this and I mean no disrespect at all to this work as it stands.
I am not going to quote your text back at you and highlight the highlights: it's all good, better than good.
The sentiment expressed is universal and this, for me, is why it works: I do not read to be informed on "a" specific human's condition, but rather to contemplate "the" human condition through the thoughts of others, those who are making the same journey through the senses as I am, and your honesty and candour in opening your heart actually opens all hearts. It would be a lost opportunity if you did not try to get this viewed outside of FS
I so enjoyed reading this: thank you.
I wish you well
cheers
phill
"spring wind bursts" or "spring winds burst?"
Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Hi Phil, thank you for these precious stars, I appreciate them and what you had to say about my poem. You know, I almost didn't add that last paragraph and I can see what you mean - the poem could stand alone without those ending words. I might ask a couple of my other poet friends and get their take on it. You know, the 'spring wind' phrase was another thing I changed back and forth, lol. Maybe I will go with spring winds burst, I think that sounds better. I also thought about 'tall seas of grass' -vs- 'seas of tall grass' - still undecided on that one. It's the particular way you phrase things that makes a difference I think.
Thanks for the great feedback!! I will read this at an open mic meeting next Wednesday. I wanted to read it at one we had last night but it wasn't quite ready...
Carol
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Hello Carol
Thank you for the acknowledgement - I wish you well at the open mic: a poem is never finished, it is only ever abandoned.
Cheers
phill
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Lol, that is so true!!
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello, a country girl at heart. Beautiful free verse with some near rhyme to add that lovely flow and poetic sound. I enjoyed your imagery and vivid descriptions of your youth. I think the last verse would some up a lot of people's feelings when they become responsible for children, hearth and work commitments. Nicely penned, and I'd give it a six if I had one, but alas. Cheers, Ana.
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reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Hello, a country girl at heart. Beautiful free verse with some near rhyme to add that lovely flow and poetic sound. I enjoyed your imagery and vivid descriptions of your youth. I think the last verse would some up a lot of people's feelings when they become responsible for children, hearth and work commitments. Nicely penned, and I'd give it a six if I had one, but alas. Cheers, Ana.
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Comment Written 07-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Ana, much appreciated. This time of the week all of our sixes are gone, but I appreciate your review all the same. I started riding horses again a couple of years ago, I love being at the ranch, working, riding, whatever. All the city stuff really holds little appeal for me.
Thanks again!
Carol
