Mayhem at the County Fair
Bragging rights are at risk.9 total reviews
Comment from K. R. Ward
This is a story about sabatouge at a county fair. I liked how the piece was written, the dialogue was well placed, and the pacing was good. However, I didn't find the plot to be engaging.
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2018
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This is a story about sabatouge at a county fair. I liked how the piece was written, the dialogue was well placed, and the pacing was good. However, I didn't find the plot to be engaging.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2018
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Thank you.
Comment from cupa tea
Good story...I found nothing to point out to you that needed fixed. I would have liked to have known who did salt the cakes...Makes you wonder who'd be that nasty...good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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Good story...I found nothing to point out to you that needed fixed. I would have liked to have known who did salt the cakes...Makes you wonder who'd be that nasty...good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 28-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2018
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Thank you for the great comments and review. I?m grateful for your feedback.
Comment from country ranch writer
It is a shame that something like that would happen at such an event but jealousy does rile folks up. They want to win so badly they will go to any lengths to win even trying to discredit the top winner for many years.
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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It is a shame that something like that would happen at such an event but jealousy does rile folks up. They want to win so badly they will go to any lengths to win even trying to discredit the top winner for many years.
Comment Written 17-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2018
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Thanks for your review and comments.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
no issues with the competition requirements, which is always nice. lol
"Mr. Watkins, dear...., Hugh, how - you don't need the comma following the ellipsis as they represent a pause anyway so this looks like long pause, pause.
Watch your following speech tags. They should always be lower case unless a proper noun or name - cakes were salted?" She asked - she asked / tampered with." He said. - he said. (there may be more examples of this that should probably be addressed)
"Do you mean that mine may have been salted too?" "Oh, my Lord!"- there's no need to close and reopen the speech marks here. It could all be done in one set.
Be careful with using too many adverbs as well as these can show up a poor choice of verb.
"Laura Burton thought she saw someone leaving with a blue dress on." She mentioned you had a blue dress on today. - move the closing speech marks to the very end.
"So, Laura, the one with the new Tropical German Chocolate Cake entry was trying to cause her disqualification. Hmmm," she thought.- it may be an idea to use the single marks here for thought to differentiate it from dialogue. Although as you're using the thought tag, the marks aren't strictly necessary.
and dab on a little I had brought in case of emergencies?". - you don't need the full stop / period following the dialogue here as the dialogue itself is closed off.
As Laura walked away she was thinking about the contest- I think it should be Judith here, rather than Laura.
I think you have a good entry here which fills the brief.
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
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Hi there,
no issues with the competition requirements, which is always nice. lol
"Mr. Watkins, dear...., Hugh, how - you don't need the comma following the ellipsis as they represent a pause anyway so this looks like long pause, pause.
Watch your following speech tags. They should always be lower case unless a proper noun or name - cakes were salted?" She asked - she asked / tampered with." He said. - he said. (there may be more examples of this that should probably be addressed)
"Do you mean that mine may have been salted too?" "Oh, my Lord!"- there's no need to close and reopen the speech marks here. It could all be done in one set.
Be careful with using too many adverbs as well as these can show up a poor choice of verb.
"Laura Burton thought she saw someone leaving with a blue dress on." She mentioned you had a blue dress on today. - move the closing speech marks to the very end.
"So, Laura, the one with the new Tropical German Chocolate Cake entry was trying to cause her disqualification. Hmmm," she thought.- it may be an idea to use the single marks here for thought to differentiate it from dialogue. Although as you're using the thought tag, the marks aren't strictly necessary.
and dab on a little I had brought in case of emergencies?". - you don't need the full stop / period following the dialogue here as the dialogue itself is closed off.
As Laura walked away she was thinking about the contest- I think it should be Judith here, rather than Laura.
I think you have a good entry here which fills the brief.
GMG
Comment Written 15-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2018
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Thank you very much for your thoughtful review. I will edit and make the changes. I?m not used to writing dialogue and do not have it down yet. I really appreciate your time to give me your thoughts. All the best!!
Comment from heart of Lou
Hmmm. How convenient that Judith had brought the extra icing along! She was pretty safe salting the other cakes because she knew she could fix up her own cake while most of the others were probably not prepared for such an emergency.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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Hmmm. How convenient that Judith had brought the extra icing along! She was pretty safe salting the other cakes because she knew she could fix up her own cake while most of the others were probably not prepared for such an emergency.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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Way to go! You got it. I tried to hide clues, but I?mglad you Figured it out. Thank you for the great review.
Comment from kahpot
What an absolutely intriguing story, Judith did bring extra icing, was wearing a blue dress and the ending puts the doubt into the readers' mind as she was HOPING to go out on top, very well written and best wishes for your competition****kahpot
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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What an absolutely intriguing story, Judith did bring extra icing, was wearing a blue dress and the ending puts the doubt into the readers' mind as she was HOPING to go out on top, very well written and best wishes for your competition****kahpot
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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Thank you. I?m glad you saw the clues. I?m grateful for your time and review.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
I read this hoping there would be a resolution or perhaps a twist at the end. Instead, it fell flat. Nothing was solved. Who salted the cakes? This was really disappointing.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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I read this hoping there would be a resolution or perhaps a twist at the end. Instead, it fell flat. Nothing was solved. Who salted the cakes? This was really disappointing.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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Thanks Thomas. Oops... revision time. Btw the clues were hidden too
well, I suppose. Judith salted the cakes because she was worried. I didn?t want to reveal it because the prompt said to explain why the main character didn?t do it. I twisted too much. Thanks for the review and comments.
Comment from l.d.lauritzen
Nice story. Could trim a few words, here and there. A short story, I kept looking for a twist. Hugh smiled handing her the trophy and ribbon. He turned to check his pocket making sure the shaker was still there. Well, maybe next year we'll crown a new winner. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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Nice story. Could trim a few words, here and there. A short story, I kept looking for a twist. Hugh smiled handing her the trophy and ribbon. He turned to check his pocket making sure the shaker was still there. Well, maybe next year we'll crown a new winner. Keep writing.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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Thank you for a great review.
Comment from mermaids
I love this story. It is so unique, no one writes about cake spiking at a country fair. Your story drew me in and held me there. Your story is clear and the reader can taste the salt on the cakes. I suspect Judith because she won so many times before and did not want to give up her title.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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I love this story. It is so unique, no one writes about cake spiking at a country fair. Your story drew me in and held me there. Your story is clear and the reader can taste the salt on the cakes. I suspect Judith because she won so many times before and did not want to give up her title.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2018
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Thank you. This story just jumped in my head this afternoon. Maybe because I?ve been baking all day..... hey, write what you know. Haha! All the best!
