Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Doo meets the Shawnees"Shenanigans on the frontier
22 total reviews
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
I like the way you used a grandma telling kids a story as a backdrop to your book about Doolittle Carter.
Just a note, we all put ourselves "out there" when we tell the stories we tell on here. It's very common to feel "exposed", but we are all your friends.
If someone gives you hints and suggestions, take them in the spirit they are offered. Peer review is the best (and cheapest) reviewing you'll get.
I'll read on,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
  |
I like the way you used a grandma telling kids a story as a backdrop to your book about Doolittle Carter.
Just a note, we all put ourselves "out there" when we tell the stories we tell on here. It's very common to feel "exposed", but we are all your friends.
If someone gives you hints and suggestions, take them in the spirit they are offered. Peer review is the best (and cheapest) reviewing you'll get.
I'll read on,
Rhonda
Comment Written 17-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2019
-
Thank you Rhonda. I put that be kind in the notes as a joke. I really appreciate everybody's input and it is making me a much better writer. My goal is to have a book by me on my shelf. I appreciate you taking the interest to go back and catch up.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I like it. I like anything with a western theme to it. I found it to be interesting. I have written a few western poems and a book. They are in my portfolio. Not so sure that Indians would talk about the big hanging pears. Maybe just remark on his bravery or fear. LOL Good job. :)Nancy
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
|
I like it. I like anything with a western theme to it. I found it to be interesting. I have written a few western poems and a book. They are in my portfolio. Not so sure that Indians would talk about the big hanging pears. Maybe just remark on his bravery or fear. LOL Good job. :)Nancy
Comment Written 19-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2018
-
It was a remark on his bravery, Lonesome Owl was impressed. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from aryr
There was a lot of activity and adventure in this chapter. It had a great plot line and provided an easy to follow read. Doo sure suffered several setbacks and after the death of Laughing Otter, the remaining Shawnee planned to exact their revenge. A good level of suspense. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
|
There was a lot of activity and adventure in this chapter. It had a great plot line and provided an easy to follow read. Doo sure suffered several setbacks and after the death of Laughing Otter, the remaining Shawnee planned to exact their revenge. A good level of suspense. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2018
-
Again thank you for reviewing a chapter that gave you no advantages. Does it help you? Or could you have moved forward without the background?
-
First you are very welcome. It was good to read the information leading up to his leap of faith rather than suffering death. Thankfully I was not too far behind. If you do not mind I will add you to my follow list, so I can continue with the story.
-
I would be honored.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This really hooked me from the first line, I'm going to enjoy reading your book. I've always liked westerns, and especially Indians. Doo is no coward, but he is sensible. Who in their right mind would want to take on five Indians? They did respect him up until Doo killed Swooping Eagle's brother. Bad move! Now, we all will be waiting to see if Doo survived his walk into the air! Excellent! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
|
This really hooked me from the first line, I'm going to enjoy reading your book. I've always liked westerns, and especially Indians. Doo is no coward, but he is sensible. Who in their right mind would want to take on five Indians? They did respect him up until Doo killed Swooping Eagle's brother. Bad move! Now, we all will be waiting to see if Doo survived his walk into the air! Excellent! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
-
Thank you i'm glad you're enjoying it. I had someone tell me i needed to change the first line so people knew wh i was talking about. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
-
I just went back and had another look, because I had no problem, it's quickly explained in the second paragraph. I wouldn't worry about it, it's fine the way it is. :)
Comment from DonandVicki
I love a good western and yours really got me engaged with your dialogue. I felt pulled into the tale and I do look forward to reading more. Best of luck in the future writing,
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
|
I love a good western and yours really got me engaged with your dialogue. I felt pulled into the tale and I do look forward to reading more. Best of luck in the future writing,
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
-
Thank you for reading and reviewing my work. I appreciate the 5 star rating.
Comment from l.d.lauritzen
You have a good outline of the story and I really like your character names.
Need to let us know who is experiencing the story
first line-Doolittle Carter jerked awake.
From then on decide if you're going to call him Doo or Carter and do it the same throughout the story. Doo didn't move
You tend to slip into past tense like in paragraph 6-Making his way east the Shawnees showed no signs of giving up after two days. ahead lay the river, the canoe he cached, and a chance to escape. The chase that started in fun turned serious when he sent a brave to the happy hunting ground later that day. The ball caught the Indian in the head, but only served to anger his pursuers. They came on faster. Some people just never learn- this last sentence in Italics-it is Doo's thought. Had and had been are things to work around-I have the same problem. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
 |
You have a good outline of the story and I really like your character names.
Need to let us know who is experiencing the story
first line-Doolittle Carter jerked awake.
From then on decide if you're going to call him Doo or Carter and do it the same throughout the story. Doo didn't move
You tend to slip into past tense like in paragraph 6-Making his way east the Shawnees showed no signs of giving up after two days. ahead lay the river, the canoe he cached, and a chance to escape. The chase that started in fun turned serious when he sent a brave to the happy hunting ground later that day. The ball caught the Indian in the head, but only served to anger his pursuers. They came on faster. Some people just never learn- this last sentence in Italics-it is Doo's thought. Had and had been are things to work around-I have the same problem. Keep writing.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
-
Thanks for your observations. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Hugh McDowell
Great story telling. Your pacing and flow are spot on. Good job with the breaks between Doo and the Indians narrating. The actions are realistic and the characters believable. Excellent. Hugh
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
|
Great story telling. Your pacing and flow are spot on. Good job with the breaks between Doo and the Indians narrating. The actions are realistic and the characters believable. Excellent. Hugh
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
-
Thank you for your kind words. I was hesitant about putting myself out there like that. I appreciate the 5 star rating.
Comment from Kelly Hanna
This was one of the more original chapters that I've read on fanstory. I usually don't see the perspective change so frequently. I liked it. It kept a fast pace and made me eager to see what would happen next. Doo seems like a great character. I think you've got something here! Keep writing and posting! I enjoyed your work very much!
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
|
This was one of the more original chapters that I've read on fanstory. I usually don't see the perspective change so frequently. I liked it. It kept a fast pace and made me eager to see what would happen next. Doo seems like a great character. I think you've got something here! Keep writing and posting! I enjoyed your work very much!
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2018
-
Thank you for your kind words. I was hesitant about putting myself out there like that. I appreciate the 5 star rating.
Comment from Lady Jane
He didn't move, all his senses were attuned to his environment. - I'd revise this to:
He didn't move(.) All his senses were attuned to his environment.
For two days. The Shawnees had been on his trail. - consider revising to:
For two days, the Shawnees were on his trail.
Doo decided to try for the river(.) (H)e was close , close enough to smell it. - edit suggestion
"We should keep heading that way, maybe we'll cross his trail." - capitalize the 'W' in we and add end quotes here :)
Just the few nits listed above. Nothing to detract a star, dear.
What an interesting story you've woven, Earl. This is smooth and solid with definite character build up and delivery. I enjoyed reading the 'hunt' and 'scatter' piece. Doo definitely got lucky in this one...and that ending line, lol...big pears :) You're clever to boot. Well written installment. Until next one...
Oh, I have to ask though, is this a biographical book, or fictional? I cannot remember, but that Roseanna Carter can sure spin a tale, LOL. I know I read the initial prologue I think, but wow, this is really rallying to be an excellent book.
Janelle
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
|
He didn't move, all his senses were attuned to his environment. - I'd revise this to:
He didn't move(.) All his senses were attuned to his environment.
For two days. The Shawnees had been on his trail. - consider revising to:
For two days, the Shawnees were on his trail.
Doo decided to try for the river(.) (H)e was close , close enough to smell it. - edit suggestion
"We should keep heading that way, maybe we'll cross his trail." - capitalize the 'W' in we and add end quotes here :)
Just the few nits listed above. Nothing to detract a star, dear.
What an interesting story you've woven, Earl. This is smooth and solid with definite character build up and delivery. I enjoyed reading the 'hunt' and 'scatter' piece. Doo definitely got lucky in this one...and that ending line, lol...big pears :) You're clever to boot. Well written installment. Until next one...
Oh, I have to ask though, is this a biographical book, or fictional? I cannot remember, but that Roseanna Carter can sure spin a tale, LOL. I know I read the initial prologue I think, but wow, this is really rallying to be an excellent book.
Janelle
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
-
Thank you very much. I appreciate the pointers as much as the 5 stars. This is fictional and thats all im going to say about that.
-
haha, ok! Well, until next installment :)
Comment from barkingdog
I do like this. It was a non-stop read and had everything. Adventure, interesting characters that were well described, motive for the chase, surprise when Doo jumped. Now, I'm left with what's happening to him down there in the river. What will the Shawnee decide to do?
Fine writing. It kept moving. Didn't drag.
And had an occasional change of pace with humor:
'The Shawnees had been persistent in the chase, but it ceased being fun for them when Doo had given one of the braves a trip to the happy hunting grounds with rifle ball in the forehead. The four remaining Shawnee had become deadly serious in the chase. Some people just don't have a sense of humor, Doo thought. '
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
|
I do like this. It was a non-stop read and had everything. Adventure, interesting characters that were well described, motive for the chase, surprise when Doo jumped. Now, I'm left with what's happening to him down there in the river. What will the Shawnee decide to do?
Fine writing. It kept moving. Didn't drag.
And had an occasional change of pace with humor:
'The Shawnees had been persistent in the chase, but it ceased being fun for them when Doo had given one of the braves a trip to the happy hunting grounds with rifle ball in the forehead. The four remaining Shawnee had become deadly serious in the chase. Some people just don't have a sense of humor, Doo thought. '
Comment Written 04-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2018
-
Thank you. I hope the next chapter can hold your interest as well. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
