Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Shades of grey in Missoula"Free verse poems
29 total reviews
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Carol, another well written Free Verse. Great message as well as beautiful descriptive write about a country you know so well. Interesting story and attacks do not just occur there, but everywhere. Alcohol is a great fueler! I like the way you describe the girls, as young women really, but the young men are just boys really. Good - girls do seem to mature quicker than boys. So much in this to talk about, you have written so much, and all of it interesting. Keep writing - warm regards Dorothy x
They wrap scarves around their necks
and arrive to class with cheeks
glowing blossom-pink from the chill. ..... I see a lot with new eye brows - false nails, tatoos, died hair - but what you write is better. LOL. Dx
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Hi Carol, another well written Free Verse. Great message as well as beautiful descriptive write about a country you know so well. Interesting story and attacks do not just occur there, but everywhere. Alcohol is a great fueler! I like the way you describe the girls, as young women really, but the young men are just boys really. Good - girls do seem to mature quicker than boys. So much in this to talk about, you have written so much, and all of it interesting. Keep writing - warm regards Dorothy x
They wrap scarves around their necks
and arrive to class with cheeks
glowing blossom-pink from the chill. ..... I see a lot with new eye brows - false nails, tatoos, died hair - but what you write is better. LOL. Dx
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Thank you so much, Dorothy, yes this does happen everywhere - and drugs and alcohol fuel the acts. I am so glad I managed to avoid these kinds of parties, it never appealed to me at all. Yes, I thought that girls do mature faster, and some "men" are still just boys, all their lives. Stupid, ugly boys who drink too much and who abuse those weaker than them.
But oh dear, those eyebrows...!! I don't understand that whole thing!
Carol
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a great piece of writing and the way in which the weather balances events (pathetic fallacy) is superbly handled. I think there are a few minor changes that would reduce the prosey feel that creeps in when the the boys are described. My suggestions in italics.
Boys surround them.
They aren't men yet, these full-grown but callow males; These two sentences to the end of the stanza tend to have too much tell and not enough show. I have rewritten to show what I mean rather than to give you something to copy
frat boys and football players; brash, over-confident.
Kegs of beer and shouted conversations crowd the rooms
and someone's got a bottle of spirits.
These callow, wannabe sophisticates
frat boys and blowhards from the football team
crowd the rooms with beer induced boastfulness
and Bobby brought a bottle
spirits forty percent proof
The girl who drinks too much is a carbon-copy perhaps 'clone' might be better.
of the others, but just a bit prettier. She stays 'just a bit' could go and I would put the important 'she stays' right at the end of the sentence after 'protests'. It would have more impact there.
when her friends go home, against their protests.
The wind howls as a storm blows in.
Nobody sees when she's pushed into a room
behind a roughly closed door.
She screams for help but might as well have You have had 'Nobody sees etc. now go 'Nobody hears when she screams for help.' And leave it there Instead go to ' as all traces of her childhood lie, ripped away un-noticed in the alcholic haze from which she will emerges, still drunk, sobbing etc...'
stayed quiet for all the good it does.
Any trace of childhood she had left dies abruptly.
She emerges sobbing, still drunk, aching, bereft
and alone in the litter of bodies.
In her dorm room she lies bruised, bloody and ashamed
for days, months, after the rape.
The first snow falls, and streets hiss The first snow falls on traffic-hissing streets where nobody believes her story
as cars melt tracks through it.
Nobody believes her story;
the football star and his friends never saw her; Friends seems too soft try something like: ... football star and beer-soaked buddies never saw...
in the frat house they laugh, remembering,
and know they are invincible.
She drops out of school.
She sees the way things work now; her worth
diminished to nearly nothing.
Another storm drops feet of snow. that draw a veil of purity over awful truth
The streets are hard-pack white,
and hippies ride bikes with studded tires to school.
She moves back to her small town,
on the outskirts of empty mountains, where nothing
ever happens but cows stamping hooves,
puffing icy clouds of breath
into the wide-open, white sky.
She goes outside to escape her mother's
grieving, wondering eyes and screams This reads as if the mother is screaming. Suggest a period after eyes then 'She screams into the freezing wind, believing that her life is over, etc.
into the freezing east wind.
She thinks that her life is over,
but of course it is not; her unseen future
is invisible now, but will come in due time. ...unseen future, now invisible will, in course of time appear...
In the spring, when Chinooks come,
the sudden thaw will bring a renewed sense
of awe, as they do every year.
She'll walk out in the hot wind and let
its blustering caress ease its blustering caress repair
one corner of her shatterd pride and broken heart.
What I have tried to do is make this section a tad more poetic with maintained rhythm and to substitute some of the telling with showing without damaging the integrity of the whole. You suggested that it was too prosey and a couple of reviewers felt the same. The first part isn't and sets the seen both geographically and historically with the reference to the tepees of the Salish. The parallel rape here should not pass un-noticed to the sensitive reader. It is really worth six or more but with the work I am suggesting that would look ridiculous.
Now to save it as I did before but it chose to disappear into thin air. This time I have taken a copy.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
|
This is a great piece of writing and the way in which the weather balances events (pathetic fallacy) is superbly handled. I think there are a few minor changes that would reduce the prosey feel that creeps in when the the boys are described. My suggestions in italics.
Boys surround them.
They aren't men yet, these full-grown but callow males; These two sentences to the end of the stanza tend to have too much tell and not enough show. I have rewritten to show what I mean rather than to give you something to copy
frat boys and football players; brash, over-confident.
Kegs of beer and shouted conversations crowd the rooms
and someone's got a bottle of spirits.
These callow, wannabe sophisticates
frat boys and blowhards from the football team
crowd the rooms with beer induced boastfulness
and Bobby brought a bottle
spirits forty percent proof
The girl who drinks too much is a carbon-copy perhaps 'clone' might be better.
of the others, but just a bit prettier. She stays 'just a bit' could go and I would put the important 'she stays' right at the end of the sentence after 'protests'. It would have more impact there.
when her friends go home, against their protests.
The wind howls as a storm blows in.
Nobody sees when she's pushed into a room
behind a roughly closed door.
She screams for help but might as well have You have had 'Nobody sees etc. now go 'Nobody hears when she screams for help.' And leave it there Instead go to ' as all traces of her childhood lie, ripped away un-noticed in the alcholic haze from which she will emerges, still drunk, sobbing etc...'
stayed quiet for all the good it does.
Any trace of childhood she had left dies abruptly.
She emerges sobbing, still drunk, aching, bereft
and alone in the litter of bodies.
In her dorm room she lies bruised, bloody and ashamed
for days, months, after the rape.
The first snow falls, and streets hiss The first snow falls on traffic-hissing streets where nobody believes her story
as cars melt tracks through it.
Nobody believes her story;
the football star and his friends never saw her; Friends seems too soft try something like: ... football star and beer-soaked buddies never saw...
in the frat house they laugh, remembering,
and know they are invincible.
She drops out of school.
She sees the way things work now; her worth
diminished to nearly nothing.
Another storm drops feet of snow. that draw a veil of purity over awful truth
The streets are hard-pack white,
and hippies ride bikes with studded tires to school.
She moves back to her small town,
on the outskirts of empty mountains, where nothing
ever happens but cows stamping hooves,
puffing icy clouds of breath
into the wide-open, white sky.
She goes outside to escape her mother's
grieving, wondering eyes and screams This reads as if the mother is screaming. Suggest a period after eyes then 'She screams into the freezing wind, believing that her life is over, etc.
into the freezing east wind.
She thinks that her life is over,
but of course it is not; her unseen future
is invisible now, but will come in due time. ...unseen future, now invisible will, in course of time appear...
In the spring, when Chinooks come,
the sudden thaw will bring a renewed sense
of awe, as they do every year.
She'll walk out in the hot wind and let
its blustering caress ease its blustering caress repair
one corner of her shatterd pride and broken heart.
What I have tried to do is make this section a tad more poetic with maintained rhythm and to substitute some of the telling with showing without damaging the integrity of the whole. You suggested that it was too prosey and a couple of reviewers felt the same. The first part isn't and sets the seen both geographically and historically with the reference to the tepees of the Salish. The parallel rape here should not pass un-noticed to the sensitive reader. It is really worth six or more but with the work I am suggesting that would look ridiculous.
Now to save it as I did before but it chose to disappear into thin air. This time I have taken a copy.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Thank you, my dear friend, as you know I made most of these changes and it went over well at the Open Mic. People are starting to know me for my Montana poems, and someone said maybe I should be the "invited poet" for one of these meetings - wow! We'll see if that ever happens though, lol. Sorry to hear about the vanished review, that sucks!!
You are sweet to take so much time over my poem
Carol
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I took the time not because there was a lot wrong with it but because it had so much potential. Would you mind if I gave it an airing at the next P&P? Are you contributing on the lost relative theme this time? Tuesday week is the day.
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You are most welcome to read it, the only requirement is to let me know what they say about it. I am going to write a poem for the challenge, I forgot about it :)
Comment from Ben Colder
Beautiful country. Front door to Canada. Great fishing and hunting. No doubt college students are guilty. Nothing new under the sun. Yes, Flat Head country. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Beautiful country. Front door to Canada. Great fishing and hunting. No doubt college students are guilty. Nothing new under the sun. Yes, Flat Head country. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Yes, I think they are too...thanks, Ben. I saw an old picture in the airport of the Salish teepees on the Clark Fork, it was so beautiful!
Carol
Comment from poesyapprentice
To me, this was a story which was a prose write composed of complete sentences, particularly divided, paragraphs shaped like stanzas with a good flow and great imagery, as prose writes should be. What constitutes a free verse poem is debatable, I'm aware, so it's just my opinion. I did enjoy the read although the topic was a sad one. The picture is beautiful!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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To me, this was a story which was a prose write composed of complete sentences, particularly divided, paragraphs shaped like stanzas with a good flow and great imagery, as prose writes should be. What constitutes a free verse poem is debatable, I'm aware, so it's just my opinion. I did enjoy the read although the topic was a sad one. The picture is beautiful!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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I knew some folks would say this is more prose like, but if you read some "modern" poets like Richard Hugo, who is one of my favorites, you will see big blocks of text like this. For example...
Indian Graves at Jocko.
for Victor Charlo
THE LADY IN KICKING HORSE RESERVOIR [1973]
These dirt mounds make the dead seem fat.
Crude walls of rock that hold the dirt
when rain rides wild, were placed with skill
or luck. No crucifix can make
the drab boards of this chapel Catholic.
A mass across these stones becomes
whatever wail the wind decides is right....
It's not for everyone, i suppose, but I love his work.
Carol
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I suppose much of my opinion comes from what I was taught that free verse was supposed to be like. At one time it was a big debate on here, lol. To each their own : )
Comment from Ogden
Beautifully written, Cliverde, and very timely. The similarities to the boyhood Kavanaugh naughtiness are remarkable. ;-)
Kudos!
Ogden (Call me Don)
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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Beautifully written, Cliverde, and very timely. The similarities to the boyhood Kavanaugh naughtiness are remarkable. ;-)
Kudos!
Ogden (Call me Don)
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2018
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A frat boy is a frat boy, no matter where he sows his hideous oats. Yes it is a similar story, but the thing is, it's true - I based this on the story of one of the girls attacked in the 2008-2011 period in Missoula. I personally think those fraternities should be shut down, but that's another story I guess.
Thank you, Don, for a fantastic review!
Carol
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You are very welcome, Carol. (I'm pleased to meet you!)
Don
Comment from country ranch writer
IT IS A SHAME THEY GET AWAY WITH RAPING A GIRL AND CONTINUE ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENS MEN ARE PIGS AND CANT KEEP IT IN THEIR PANTS AND WONDER WHY THEY ARE SLANDERED IN YEARS AFTER THE ACT BECAUSE THEY WERE DRUNK AND MOST DONT REMEMBER THEY RAPED SOMEONE.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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IT IS A SHAME THEY GET AWAY WITH RAPING A GIRL AND CONTINUE ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENS MEN ARE PIGS AND CANT KEEP IT IN THEIR PANTS AND WONDER WHY THEY ARE SLANDERED IN YEARS AFTER THE ACT BECAUSE THEY WERE DRUNK AND MOST DONT REMEMBER THEY RAPED SOMEONE.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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Some of these guys DO remember, I bet you anything. I hated the idea of those parties when I was in college, drinking so much beer always seemed gross to me. Plus I never like jocks and frat boys - still don't. The mentality gets to me.
thank you for the review!
Carol
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Smiles
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Smiles
Comment from kiwijenny
How sad. A story told and told again and again..
It isn't fair ...I like how nature can ease a broken corner of her heart
And thank you for author notes about the chinook winds,,,amazing
God bless
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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How sad. A story told and told again and again..
It isn't fair ...I like how nature can ease a broken corner of her heart
And thank you for author notes about the chinook winds,,,amazing
God bless
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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Glad you enjoyed the description of the Chinooks, I am a meteorologist by trade so weather is very significant to me :))
Thanks for the nice review!
Carol
Comment from bob cullen
Gee this is well written. It's a sad indictment on our society today when a victim of crime gets neither sympathy nor support and the perpetrator escapes reprimand and justice.
You present this story powerfully and you include wonderful imagery as you describe the surrounding mountains
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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Gee this is well written. It's a sad indictment on our society today when a victim of crime gets neither sympathy nor support and the perpetrator escapes reprimand and justice.
You present this story powerfully and you include wonderful imagery as you describe the surrounding mountains
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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Hi, and thank you for this review. It's a beautiful area but has the same problems that plague much of our country.
Carol
Comment from Lady Jane
First off, I LOVE the photo you used to spotlight your meticulous writing. The story within the write is a feat in and of itself. I found no errors. I enjoyed the write tremendously...hehe, especially the part about hippies riding their bikes to work. I'm a 70's child. I know the rapes are serious, but the way you've penned the entirety of this situation and multiple concerns is clean and fresh. Your words are carefully chosen and clear, easy to follow. The story feel of this penning was perfection. This stanza:
She goes outside to escape her mother's
grieving, wondering eyes and screams
into the freezing east wind.
She thinks that her life is over,
but of course it is not; her unseen future
is unwanted now, but will come in due time. - just wow and well worth the 5'er
Janelle
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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First off, I LOVE the photo you used to spotlight your meticulous writing. The story within the write is a feat in and of itself. I found no errors. I enjoyed the write tremendously...hehe, especially the part about hippies riding their bikes to work. I'm a 70's child. I know the rapes are serious, but the way you've penned the entirety of this situation and multiple concerns is clean and fresh. Your words are carefully chosen and clear, easy to follow. The story feel of this penning was perfection. This stanza:
She goes outside to escape her mother's
grieving, wondering eyes and screams
into the freezing east wind.
She thinks that her life is over,
but of course it is not; her unseen future
is unwanted now, but will come in due time. - just wow and well worth the 5'er
Janelle
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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I used to ride my ten speed all around town, although I never had those studded snow tires. I did hang out with the hippies though, never liked the jocks and frat guys - ugh.
Thanks, Janelle :))
Carol
Comment from Thomas Bowling
This excellent. You did a great job on this with very picturesque language. The poem turns ugly as the nameless girl is attacked. This would have been a very good contest entry.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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This excellent. You did a great job on this with very picturesque language. The poem turns ugly as the nameless girl is attacked. This would have been a very good contest entry.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2018
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I don't always remember to check the contest listings, I should do it more I guess. Thank you!
Carol
