Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Rollin on the River"Shenanigans on the frontier
22 total reviews
Comment from BeasPeas
This is a wonderful chapter and held my attention all the way through. Great descriptions of the action. Realistic movements and interaction of the characters.
If I could make one suggestion it would be this: The dialogue, speech patterns of the settlers, Jed, Janie and Doo reflect their status--homespun people. The dialogue, speech patterns of the Shawnee, however, is written in clear, perfect speech. At best native peoples would speak "broken English." Maybe I'm the only one who picked up on that flaw. Dialogue for both natives and settlers should be equally imperfect for the time period. Marilyn
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2018
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This is a wonderful chapter and held my attention all the way through. Great descriptions of the action. Realistic movements and interaction of the characters.
If I could make one suggestion it would be this: The dialogue, speech patterns of the settlers, Jed, Janie and Doo reflect their status--homespun people. The dialogue, speech patterns of the Shawnee, however, is written in clear, perfect speech. At best native peoples would speak "broken English." Maybe I'm the only one who picked up on that flaw. Dialogue for both natives and settlers should be equally imperfect for the time period. Marilyn
Comment Written 07-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2018
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The Shawnee are talking among themselves at the stage of the story once they talk to the whites it?ll change . Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
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Hi Earl. That sounds like a good way to handle it. Good luck in the contest.
Comment from LIJ Red
"Awake are ye? Mister, ye must have drank half of the Ohio before we fished ye out," the giant said. "My name is Jed Wolfe and this here's my daughter Janie, and who might you be?"
Is my interpretation of the above, combining two paragraphs, correct?
Excellent frontier story, from what I've seen.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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"Awake are ye? Mister, ye must have drank half of the Ohio before we fished ye out," the giant said. "My name is Jed Wolfe and this here's my daughter Janie, and who might you be?"
Is my interpretation of the above, combining two paragraphs, correct?
Excellent frontier story, from what I've seen.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
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They're two separate dialogues. Thanks for the five stars./
Comment from Ulla
Hi Earl, this is a great beginning to what seems an interesting story. Full of action and well paced. Found a few things though.
If it hadn't of knocked him out the panic of not knowing how to swim might have killed him. = If it hadn't knocked him out of not knowing how to swim it might have killed him
"Awake are ye? Mister, ye must have drank half of the Ohio before we fished ye out," the giant said. = "Awake are ye? Mister, ye must have drunk ...
he barely made it to the side of the boat before expelling what he'd just ate into the river. = he barely made it to the side of the boat before expelling what he'd just eaten into the river. Or to make it more active: he barely made it to the side of the boat before he expelled what he'd just eaten into the river.
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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Hi Earl, this is a great beginning to what seems an interesting story. Full of action and well paced. Found a few things though.
If it hadn't of knocked him out the panic of not knowing how to swim might have killed him. = If it hadn't knocked him out of not knowing how to swim it might have killed him
"Awake are ye? Mister, ye must have drank half of the Ohio before we fished ye out," the giant said. = "Awake are ye? Mister, ye must have drunk ...
he barely made it to the side of the boat before expelling what he'd just ate into the river. = he barely made it to the side of the boat before expelling what he'd just eaten into the river. Or to make it more active: he barely made it to the side of the boat before he expelled what he'd just eaten into the river.
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 22-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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Thank you for showing me some rough spots that needed reworked. I appreciate the time you took to read and review my work.
Comment from meeshu
this is skilled storytelling, you bounce from character group to group fluidly and without a hitch. the writing style is old west and very believable. nicely done Earl............meeshu
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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this is skilled storytelling, you bounce from character group to group fluidly and without a hitch. the writing style is old west and very believable. nicely done Earl............meeshu
Comment Written 22-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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Thank you Meeshu. I'm having fun writing it. The next installment will have another character group to follow. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Honey Bee Jean
This is a wonderful read. I personally would have liked to see some more imagery. What was the river like? The landscape? I think those small details would really bring the setting to life. Happy writing and best to you!
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
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This is a wonderful read. I personally would have liked to see some more imagery. What was the river like? The landscape? I think those small details would really bring the setting to life. Happy writing and best to you!
Comment Written 21-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
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Thank you, i'm working on putting more imagery into my writing. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from c_lucas
For the most part, is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
You should work on the dialogue and make it more realistic. There is very good imagery.
Error
Doo wasn't a stranger to hard work, he didn't like it, but he wasn't a stranger to it. (Repetition- needs a rewrite.)
You need to overcome the Indians' dialogue. It sounds too educated.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
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For the most part, is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
You should work on the dialogue and make it more realistic. There is very good imagery.
Error
Doo wasn't a stranger to hard work, he didn't like it, but he wasn't a stranger to it. (Repetition- needs a rewrite.)
You need to overcome the Indians' dialogue. It sounds too educated.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
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I'm honored that another western writer would award me a six star rating. Since i'm new to this, any tips you could give me on how the Indians would communicate amongst themselves would be grearly appreciated.
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Very few Indians in this time period could speak English well. Some filled in the blanks with sign language. Very few whites were educated
above the third-grade level. Many adults could not read or write,
Comment from Henry King
Excellent couple of scenes. The story is carried forward at a good pace. The dialog in the first scene is excellent. The action in the second scene is excellent. And again, our hero finds himself in the Ohio. It's not quite the cliffhanger the prologue had, but now he has a fourteen-year old girl to consider. Did, her daddy survive? I expect the readers are waiting to find out. Well done.
I like this story.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Excellent couple of scenes. The story is carried forward at a good pace. The dialog in the first scene is excellent. The action in the second scene is excellent. And again, our hero finds himself in the Ohio. It's not quite the cliffhanger the prologue had, but now he has a fourteen-year old girl to consider. Did, her daddy survive? I expect the readers are waiting to find out. Well done.
I like this story.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Without revealing too much Janie's daddy didn't make it. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Hugh McDowell
Excellent. Grabbed my attention from the first sentence and held on all the way to the end. You seem like a natural story teller. Great pace and flow. Excellent dialogue. Keep 'em coming. Hugh
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Excellent. Grabbed my attention from the first sentence and held on all the way to the end. You seem like a natural story teller. Great pace and flow. Excellent dialogue. Keep 'em coming. Hugh
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Thanks Hugh. Im having a lot of fun writing this. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from humpwhistle
I like your story, and the subject. And it sounds like you have knowledge about the early days when rivers were the only roads west of Pittsburgh.
One writing tip, Earl: Since this story is being told by Roseanna to her grandchildren, you need to tell that part of the story, too. You need to break in on Doo's story once in a while to remind the readers we're 'listening' to Roseanna.
Maybe the grandchildren can break in with questions once in a while? I know this seems complicated, but it will add depth to your story. Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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I like your story, and the subject. And it sounds like you have knowledge about the early days when rivers were the only roads west of Pittsburgh.
One writing tip, Earl: Since this story is being told by Roseanna to her grandchildren, you need to tell that part of the story, too. You need to break in on Doo's story once in a while to remind the readers we're 'listening' to Roseanna.
Maybe the grandchildren can break in with questions once in a while? I know this seems complicated, but it will add depth to your story. Just a thought.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Thanks for thevidea about inserting Rosenna' side into it. I'll try that next chapter. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from apky
The writing around where Janie shot the native American made me catch my breath. But of course people had to protect themselves as best they could in those circumstances.
Your author's notes were also a big help in assisting the reader to understand your excellent write from a pweriod and people this reader is not familiar with.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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The writing around where Janie shot the native American made me catch my breath. But of course people had to protect themselves as best they could in those circumstances.
Your author's notes were also a big help in assisting the reader to understand your excellent write from a pweriod and people this reader is not familiar with.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
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Thank you, I'm glad I was able to build up the suspense in that scene. I hope you do get familiar with the peopl and period as i write more installments. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
