Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "California Interstate Five"Free verse poems
18 total reviews
Comment from oorwull
Driven it many times. LA to Reno. Must confess I prefer Highway 395, but often split
the ride between both freeways. Been on the grapevine in a thunderous snowstorm, where the police convoy the motorists and truckers through. Just awesome/
Willie
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
  |
Driven it many times. LA to Reno. Must confess I prefer Highway 395, but often split
the ride between both freeways. Been on the grapevine in a thunderous snowstorm, where the police convoy the motorists and truckers through. Just awesome/
Willie
Comment Written 27-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2018
-
Hi Willie, thank you. I like the 395 too, but it's out of the way for the particular journey we were on. Those Grapevine snowstorms can get really bad! I'm a weather forecaster and that is a big deal for us (and the drivers, lol)
Carol
-
glad my comments had so much meaning for you
Comment from CD Richards
That sounds a little ominous. Funnily enough, that is exactly how I feel when I get half way along the 150 mile trip from where I live now to the city I was born in. My palms start sweating, and I start getting tense. The noise, the thought of facing the aggressive drivers and the suicidal traffic are all big parts of it. That, not being able to see the stars at night, and various other little things all add to the apprehension.
You make the journey sound quite picturesque and enjoyable. Excellent job with the descriptive phrases. Well done, Craig
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
|
That sounds a little ominous. Funnily enough, that is exactly how I feel when I get half way along the 150 mile trip from where I live now to the city I was born in. My palms start sweating, and I start getting tense. The noise, the thought of facing the aggressive drivers and the suicidal traffic are all big parts of it. That, not being able to see the stars at night, and various other little things all add to the apprehension.
You make the journey sound quite picturesque and enjoyable. Excellent job with the descriptive phrases. Well done, Craig
Comment Written 22-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2018
-
Sometimes I have to get over in the slow lane and creep along, there are times when I can't stand the aggressive drivers. A couple of times when I get off a late shift there are people racing on the freeway - I hate that!
I saw the most amazing stars when we went up to our retirement house which is in a very rural area. No moon, no light pollution, just great big stars! So - I can relate to what you're saying! I think I made our journey a lot nicer than it actually was, lol.
Carol
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
California used to be lovely, but now it's cluttered with homeless drug users living on the streets of San Francisco, LA, and other cities. It's the fault of the state government. What a disaster, and the governor doesn't see it as a problem. On top of that, they've made it a sanctuary state, where illegal aliens who have committed crimes are not jailed or sent to ICE to be dealt with, but are released onto the streets, where they commit crimes daily, including rape and murder. Stay away from that place!
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
|
California used to be lovely, but now it's cluttered with homeless drug users living on the streets of San Francisco, LA, and other cities. It's the fault of the state government. What a disaster, and the governor doesn't see it as a problem. On top of that, they've made it a sanctuary state, where illegal aliens who have committed crimes are not jailed or sent to ICE to be dealt with, but are released onto the streets, where they commit crimes daily, including rape and murder. Stay away from that place!
Comment Written 21-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
-
I must say, you and I hold quite different opinions on the State of California. I find that there is a lot to love about it and am quite happy living here. I certainly cannot stay away because my home and place of employment are right here in Ventura County, Southern California. But I do appreciate your support of my poetry :))
Carol
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
What a wonderful, unique poem the subject is both interesting and amazing.
Terrific imagery throughout giving the reader a real insight into this journey.
Unbelievable quality writing
Mitchell
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
|
What a wonderful, unique poem the subject is both interesting and amazing.
Terrific imagery throughout giving the reader a real insight into this journey.
Unbelievable quality writing
Mitchell
Comment Written 21-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
-
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your kind words,
Carol
Comment from Mark Valentine
With each passing year, thousands of new poems are written leaving fewer and fewer original images left on the table for this year's crop of poets. And yet, your mind still seems to find un-mined gold: "griddle-flat", the idea of promises and penance having the potential to go on forever, "occasional trees", the smiles slashing white (though I've never been - that phrase seems to capture LA). Wonderful writing.
Then there is the arc of the poem. I like the fact that you chose to open it in the conditional mood (all the "you coulds") and close it with an imperative ("Now pray that you're ready"). In between is a wonderful highway ride through the openness and possibilities of nature and toward the confinement of the city.
They don't get much better than this.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
 |
With each passing year, thousands of new poems are written leaving fewer and fewer original images left on the table for this year's crop of poets. And yet, your mind still seems to find un-mined gold: "griddle-flat", the idea of promises and penance having the potential to go on forever, "occasional trees", the smiles slashing white (though I've never been - that phrase seems to capture LA). Wonderful writing.
Then there is the arc of the poem. I like the fact that you chose to open it in the conditional mood (all the "you coulds") and close it with an imperative ("Now pray that you're ready"). In between is a wonderful highway ride through the openness and possibilities of nature and toward the confinement of the city.
They don't get much better than this.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
-
Thanks, Mark, yes everyone here has perfectly straight, white teeth. You really notice when you go other places that people kinda let the dentistry thing go a little bit. I do find myself cringing a little bit when we crest the Grapevine and head down into LA LA Land - it's a crazy mess of lights, fast food joints, gas stations, and a bazillion cars. That said, there's a lot to love about California, and L.A. is a center of liberalism that I appreciate. I am proud to be living in (near actually) a sanctuary city, for instance!
Thanks so much for your very kind and wonderful review :))
Carol
Comment from Pantygynt
This made a tremendous impact on me for a reason I will explainat the end of this review. Despite my being unfamiliar with names and sights the imagery here was such that I formed a mental picture of this route, and grandeur of the scenery that was at the same time monotonous when one considers the length of the journey.
The opening is brilliant, setting not only the physical scene in the first line:
'This highway is griddle-flat,'
but the idea of the duration of the trip in the second,
'the miles wide open'
and your ambivalence over the views in the third,
'like promises or penance.'
That is an opening to die for, like reading a menu in an expensive restaurant, we know what we are in for and we know we will enjoy.
You use repetition to good effect when you do so clearly with intention as here:
'where smiles slash white
and the light is bruised,
and the ocean whispers
and roars on the crescent shore.'
The repeated 'and the...' worked for me like the endless march of telegraph poles along the sides of the highway at regular intervals.
Less effective is your unintentional (I think) repetition, as here:
In S1:
'the hills were not
that particular shade
of well-baked gold,'
and four lines later:
'deep-blue pools of shade.
I think the use of shade in the final line, implying relief from the glare to be the more apposite and should therefore remain while the earlier use could be altered to 'hue', or 'tincture' or whatrever.
The following 'coulds' and 'mights' are also worth a second look, perhaps even making them all deliberate uses of either 'could' or 'might' by choosing either 'could' or 'might' in all cases.
In S1: 'You could go on forever',
and in S2: 'you could sit still to watch',
again in S2: 'you might go on again,'
and in S3: 'It might feel like forever'.
Those are the only things I would wish to criticize.
The final two lines are where the poem ceased to be the interesting experiance of A.N.Other and became internalised where I, personally was concerned.
'Now pray that you're ready
for all that lies ahead.'
This I recognised that feeling, as one nears home after an absence, of all life's problems waiting on the doorstep, crowding in, desperate to disrupt your life. Oh yes! I have felt that so many times in the past.
Many people would have brought this to a close with either the joy of a homecoming or relief for the end of the long journey, but oh how much stronger and personalised is this ending.
I know I have picked up that repetition thing but I am still going to endorse this with the six stamp, because it is a magnificent piece of poetry.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
|
This made a tremendous impact on me for a reason I will explainat the end of this review. Despite my being unfamiliar with names and sights the imagery here was such that I formed a mental picture of this route, and grandeur of the scenery that was at the same time monotonous when one considers the length of the journey.
The opening is brilliant, setting not only the physical scene in the first line:
'This highway is griddle-flat,'
but the idea of the duration of the trip in the second,
'the miles wide open'
and your ambivalence over the views in the third,
'like promises or penance.'
That is an opening to die for, like reading a menu in an expensive restaurant, we know what we are in for and we know we will enjoy.
You use repetition to good effect when you do so clearly with intention as here:
'where smiles slash white
and the light is bruised,
and the ocean whispers
and roars on the crescent shore.'
The repeated 'and the...' worked for me like the endless march of telegraph poles along the sides of the highway at regular intervals.
Less effective is your unintentional (I think) repetition, as here:
In S1:
'the hills were not
that particular shade
of well-baked gold,'
and four lines later:
'deep-blue pools of shade.
I think the use of shade in the final line, implying relief from the glare to be the more apposite and should therefore remain while the earlier use could be altered to 'hue', or 'tincture' or whatrever.
The following 'coulds' and 'mights' are also worth a second look, perhaps even making them all deliberate uses of either 'could' or 'might' by choosing either 'could' or 'might' in all cases.
In S1: 'You could go on forever',
and in S2: 'you could sit still to watch',
again in S2: 'you might go on again,'
and in S3: 'It might feel like forever'.
Those are the only things I would wish to criticize.
The final two lines are where the poem ceased to be the interesting experiance of A.N.Other and became internalised where I, personally was concerned.
'Now pray that you're ready
for all that lies ahead.'
This I recognised that feeling, as one nears home after an absence, of all life's problems waiting on the doorstep, crowding in, desperate to disrupt your life. Oh yes! I have felt that so many times in the past.
Many people would have brought this to a close with either the joy of a homecoming or relief for the end of the long journey, but oh how much stronger and personalised is this ending.
I know I have picked up that repetition thing but I am still going to endorse this with the six stamp, because it is a magnificent piece of poetry.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
-
I did not mean to repeat that word shade - not at all! Oops. I will also take a look at the 'could and shoulds' and see if that needs to be tuned up. I honestly feel like the two words have a slightly different meaning - not a huge difference but I need to see how that feels going one way or the other.
In the line about the mountains, with the Grapevine cuts through them in chains of headlights, Roy (RG Star) suggests leaving out the word "them" which seemed like a good idea.
Thanks for mentioning your feelings about the ending lines. I like that it's sort of open about what the person is facing - and it would be different for every person. Plus, when you're talking about L.A. it is hard to be really ready for that!! Lol. What a difference between So Cal and the north where our house is!
Thanks so much for the detailed, helpful review!
Carol
Comment from BeasPeas
Carol, I love your wonderful poem. California is an exciting place. I used to love driving the freeways and into the mountains where I lived there. I think you must love driving, too. It shows in this piece how you appreciate the terrain, the mountains, the freeways, all of it. These lines are particularly good:
"It might feel like forever until
the hills heap into mountains,
and the Grapevine cuts through them
in chains of headlights,
cascading toward the City of Angels
where smiles slash white
and the light is bruised,
and the ocean whispers
and roars on the crescent shore. "
Marilyn
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
|
Carol, I love your wonderful poem. California is an exciting place. I used to love driving the freeways and into the mountains where I lived there. I think you must love driving, too. It shows in this piece how you appreciate the terrain, the mountains, the freeways, all of it. These lines are particularly good:
"It might feel like forever until
the hills heap into mountains,
and the Grapevine cuts through them
in chains of headlights,
cascading toward the City of Angels
where smiles slash white
and the light is bruised,
and the ocean whispers
and roars on the crescent shore. "
Marilyn
Comment Written 21-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
-
The crescent shore is Santa Monica Bay, which nobody has asked about. Thank you so much for enjoying my poem and the wonderful review. I know you miss the area. I do enjoy driving, at least in the open spaces without tons of traffic - that section of the five is in the middle of nowhere!! Fresno way off to the east...
Thanks again :))
Carol
-
I do miss the "thought" of what California used to be. I was lucky to get out of there when I did. It's on a downward slide as is my home state of Massachusetts. Only the very rich or the very poor will be able to continue living there.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Yeeeeeesssss!!! I really enjoyed your write ma'am, but, I'll be honest, I had to keep pausing and checking your title again because you were certainly not describing the I-5 that I know (knew)...and then I got to your closing stanza there...and yep!! It was the same road....INSANITY lies ahead!!! :) :) :) Thanx for sharing, ma'am! :) :)
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
|
Yeeeeeesssss!!! I really enjoyed your write ma'am, but, I'll be honest, I had to keep pausing and checking your title again because you were certainly not describing the I-5 that I know (knew)...and then I got to your closing stanza there...and yep!! It was the same road....INSANITY lies ahead!!! :) :) :) Thanx for sharing, ma'am! :) :)
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
-
When I wrote the first section I was in the middle of freaking nowhere south of Sacramento. When you head down the Grapevine it?s a whole different story- overwhelming... yes, insanity!! Lol, thank you for reading:))
Carol
Comment from Joan E.
You captured the I-5 Corridor vividly in this free verse. You had me at the "griddle-flat" description, and yes it does "feel like forever" at times! Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
|
You captured the I-5 Corridor vividly in this free verse. You had me at the "griddle-flat" description, and yes it does "feel like forever" at times! Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2018
-
It does seem endless to me, every time I drive that road :))
Thanks Joan!
Carol
Comment from Mastery
Hi, carol. Haven't heard from you in a long time? This is a poem chock full of images and it works too
"Then, if night birds called
from occasional trees,
you might go on again,
allowing miles to flow through
the newly cool air and flap of wind;
the swirl of diesel fumes."
I rememeber writing a poem one time on one of my trips on Old /Route 66. I like the flavor of this poem, Blessings Bob
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
|
Hi, carol. Haven't heard from you in a long time? This is a poem chock full of images and it works too
"Then, if night birds called
from occasional trees,
you might go on again,
allowing miles to flow through
the newly cool air and flap of wind;
the swirl of diesel fumes."
I rememeber writing a poem one time on one of my trips on Old /Route 66. I like the flavor of this poem, Blessings Bob
Comment Written 20-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2018
-
Ah, that old Route 66! That's a good one, and I think would be quite inspiring of poetry. I was out of town for about 10 days, wrote this on the way back :))
Carol
