Be Wee With Bea
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "A Terrible Boom"An allegory in the Winnie the Pooh genre
11 total reviews
Comment from LIJ Red
I saw lept where I would have said leaped, or maybe leapt, but no biggie. My Chihuahua does hate and fear thunder and lightning...excellent tale for the young...
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
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I saw lept where I would have said leaped, or maybe leapt, but no biggie. My Chihuahua does hate and fear thunder and lightning...excellent tale for the young...
Comment Written 18-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2018
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Thank you for your review. These days, itis onIy who looks for a place to hide as my 16 year old dog is getting deafer and blinder, so isn't bothered much at all. am glad you leapt to the chance to read it. We're both right. I'm just older.
Leaped or leapt: Both leaped and leapt are past tenses of the verb leap, which means jump or hop. Leaped is more common in American English, Leapt edges it out in British English since the early 1900s.
Comment from rama devi
I enjoyed reading this part of your story. Having not read it before, I can't comment on plot or characterization but the writing itself is good, and I had no problem getting drawn in to the scene. Overall, good sentence mechanics, POV and descriptive detail.
By way of critique, I strongly recommend avoiding overuse of the verb WAS--especially when a stronger verb or different wording might enhance the sentence. Examples of spots you might change (also note one comma spag):
Bea was once again very relieved to learn that puppies don't really like honey,
Bea was surprised how none of them really minded getting wet.
She was outside coloring in the sun with her mom.
There was more than a honeypot full of dirt covering her
But she was still happy to see him(,) and he was happy to see her
Bea was afraid if she didn't do her alert exercise soon,
She was conflicted with how to be able to see the lightning
and was relieved when there were more numbers on this count
In some of the above lines, you are telling the reader what Bea feels rather than showing it. Telling is okay, at times, but showing is optimal--using simile and metaphor or visceral descriptions of the feelings. Often, using FELT might be better than WAS, if you prefer not to complicate the sentence with a simile.
Some simple editing example ideas for your consideration:
Bea felt relieved to learn that puppies don't really like honey,
Bea felt surprised how none of them really minded getting wet.
She sat outside coloring in the sun with her mom.
More than a honeypot full of dirt covered her
But she still felt happy to see him ,and he was happy to see her
Bea felt afraid if she didn't do her alert exercise soon,
She felt conflicted with how to be able to see the lightning
and felt relieved when there were more numbers on this count
* Everyone got out and shook the water off as if they were shaking some of their bad memories off.
I recommend not repeating the word OFF...as it is implied the second time. Or maybe change it to out. Example:
Everyone got out and shook the water off as if they were shaking out some of their bad memories.
* Sweet Puppy told both Scruffles and Bea what she was wanting so badly to forget.
Suggest:
Sweet Puppy told both Scruffles and Bea what she wanted so badly to forget.
Please read this aloud and notice how THE MAN is overused...you can replace all with HE or HIM after the first line (my recommendation):
The man she lived with yelled very loudly and slammed things around. He even made holes in the walls. She tried to distract the man when he went toward the woman by barking at him; but the man took his belt off and scared her so much that she went into her corner. Then the man threw her into a cold room, slammed the door, and left her, where she shook all alone in the dark.
Example (and note added commas too):
The man she lived with yelled very loudly and slammed things around. He even made holes in the walls. She tried to distract him(,) when he went toward the woman(,) by barking at him; but he took his belt off and scared her so much that she went into her corner. Then he threw her into a cold room, slammed the door, and left her, where she shook all alone in the dark.
*
When Sweet Puppy said the words loud noise,
* Her mom scooped her up as she le(a)pt after her pages of hard work.
*She dropped her purple crayon, which she had been gripping, when there was a very loud deafening boom.
This is telling not showing. Also, very loud and deafening mean similar things. Deafening suffices. very loud is superfluous. Example showing style (and mild trim and tightening):
She dropped the purple crayon she had been gripping, when a deafening boom thundered through the air.
Please read both versions aloud to hear the difference in pacing and impact.
*The fears started to grow as she remembered the next thing that happened.
A bit wordy and telling. I suggest tightening and trimming and using a simile to show rather than tell. Example:
Fears sprouted, like weeds after a rainstorm, as she remembered the next thing that happened.
*
Ever since that time(,) Bea did not like thunder and lightning storms.
This is good, but could be better if revised. Hoping you might edit at least the spag, five stars in advance! Perhaps writing for children is a genre where you want more telling than showing...you could know, as a creative writing teacher...so, if that's the case, do let me know, please. I edit professionally but had less experience with that genre.
It's an enjoyable read. Good luck with book sales!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
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I enjoyed reading this part of your story. Having not read it before, I can't comment on plot or characterization but the writing itself is good, and I had no problem getting drawn in to the scene. Overall, good sentence mechanics, POV and descriptive detail.
By way of critique, I strongly recommend avoiding overuse of the verb WAS--especially when a stronger verb or different wording might enhance the sentence. Examples of spots you might change (also note one comma spag):
Bea was once again very relieved to learn that puppies don't really like honey,
Bea was surprised how none of them really minded getting wet.
She was outside coloring in the sun with her mom.
There was more than a honeypot full of dirt covering her
But she was still happy to see him(,) and he was happy to see her
Bea was afraid if she didn't do her alert exercise soon,
She was conflicted with how to be able to see the lightning
and was relieved when there were more numbers on this count
In some of the above lines, you are telling the reader what Bea feels rather than showing it. Telling is okay, at times, but showing is optimal--using simile and metaphor or visceral descriptions of the feelings. Often, using FELT might be better than WAS, if you prefer not to complicate the sentence with a simile.
Some simple editing example ideas for your consideration:
Bea felt relieved to learn that puppies don't really like honey,
Bea felt surprised how none of them really minded getting wet.
She sat outside coloring in the sun with her mom.
More than a honeypot full of dirt covered her
But she still felt happy to see him ,and he was happy to see her
Bea felt afraid if she didn't do her alert exercise soon,
She felt conflicted with how to be able to see the lightning
and felt relieved when there were more numbers on this count
* Everyone got out and shook the water off as if they were shaking some of their bad memories off.
I recommend not repeating the word OFF...as it is implied the second time. Or maybe change it to out. Example:
Everyone got out and shook the water off as if they were shaking out some of their bad memories.
* Sweet Puppy told both Scruffles and Bea what she was wanting so badly to forget.
Suggest:
Sweet Puppy told both Scruffles and Bea what she wanted so badly to forget.
Please read this aloud and notice how THE MAN is overused...you can replace all with HE or HIM after the first line (my recommendation):
The man she lived with yelled very loudly and slammed things around. He even made holes in the walls. She tried to distract the man when he went toward the woman by barking at him; but the man took his belt off and scared her so much that she went into her corner. Then the man threw her into a cold room, slammed the door, and left her, where she shook all alone in the dark.
Example (and note added commas too):
The man she lived with yelled very loudly and slammed things around. He even made holes in the walls. She tried to distract him(,) when he went toward the woman(,) by barking at him; but he took his belt off and scared her so much that she went into her corner. Then he threw her into a cold room, slammed the door, and left her, where she shook all alone in the dark.
*
When Sweet Puppy said the words loud noise,
* Her mom scooped her up as she le(a)pt after her pages of hard work.
*She dropped her purple crayon, which she had been gripping, when there was a very loud deafening boom.
This is telling not showing. Also, very loud and deafening mean similar things. Deafening suffices. very loud is superfluous. Example showing style (and mild trim and tightening):
She dropped the purple crayon she had been gripping, when a deafening boom thundered through the air.
Please read both versions aloud to hear the difference in pacing and impact.
*The fears started to grow as she remembered the next thing that happened.
A bit wordy and telling. I suggest tightening and trimming and using a simile to show rather than tell. Example:
Fears sprouted, like weeds after a rainstorm, as she remembered the next thing that happened.
*
Ever since that time(,) Bea did not like thunder and lightning storms.
This is good, but could be better if revised. Hoping you might edit at least the spag, five stars in advance! Perhaps writing for children is a genre where you want more telling than showing...you could know, as a creative writing teacher...so, if that's the case, do let me know, please. I edit professionally but had less experience with that genre.
It's an enjoyable read. Good luck with book sales!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
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Wow, thank you so much for taking some earnest time for this. Unlike many, you have even given suggestions. You take reviewing seriously as do I and that is good to see. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
The next chapter is metaphorically actually about my dog and I cowering during a thunderstorm. Of the last year or so, my dog has grown deafer, so I am the one who is looking for a cave to hide. I have copied all of your suggestions to consider. Thank you
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Thanks for your most gracious response, dear Liz! I noticed from your review of my post that you take reviewing seriously, which is why I chose to visit your profile! You'll find, as you continue to navigate FS, there are a handful who value honest reviewing...and they make the site worth it, in my opinion!
Warm Smiles, rd
Comment from His Grayness
I'm a puppy lover and sucker for any stories with puppies involved, so I give this work big stars for an excellent work in all dimensions. I have no recommendations to improve this work and thank this author for a fun read! HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
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I'm a puppy lover and sucker for any stories with puppies involved, so I give this work big stars for an excellent work in all dimensions. I have no recommendations to improve this work and thank this author for a fun read! HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
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Vance, thank you for such an enthusiastic review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. There will be more puppy adventures in the next Chapter.
This is about my puppy's & my fear of thunder. She is getting deafer the past few years, so it's just me wanting to find a cave.
Comment from jules4jesus
wow what a touching story friendship between animals and it shows just how animals get very protective of thier owners i love the photograph i don't mind thunderstorms but they do make me a little nervous especially at night
good write
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
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wow what a touching story friendship between animals and it shows just how animals get very protective of thier owners i love the photograph i don't mind thunderstorms but they do make me a little nervous especially at night
good write
Comment Written 05-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2018
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Thank you for your supportive review. This is actually about my puppy's & my fear of thunder. She is getting deafer the past few years, so it's just me wanting to find a cave. I'm glad you enjoyed it. In the next Bea and Sweet Puppy are definitely cowering.
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Aaah bless I used to hate thunderstorms too but now I got used to them and also I'm a Christian so I shouldn't fear anyway
Comment from Sally Law
Excellent as always and sweet to the core is Bea the wee bear! I sent your link and info over to my family so they would be able to sample your fine work and hopefully get your book on Amazon. I have a granddaughter who will love this. She especially loves sweet puppies. All my best to you. I hope you are well and good!
Sal
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
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Excellent as always and sweet to the core is Bea the wee bear! I sent your link and info over to my family so they would be able to sample your fine work and hopefully get your book on Amazon. I have a granddaughter who will love this. She especially loves sweet puppies. All my best to you. I hope you are well and good!
Sal
Comment Written 04-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 04-Nov-2018
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Wow, thank you so much for your support. That is exciting. I am honored.
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You got it!
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here is a delightful ad for my book
https://youtu.be/bWF-y05e860
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Another wonderful chapter in Bea's and her friends' story! :) ;) Love the topic of fear and the root of those fears being memories...a wonderful topic to tackle in the context our loving little Bea! :) :) And you even teach the reader the little lightening count trick to help ease fears! :) Thank you, as always, for sharing, Liz! :) ;) Yvette
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Another wonderful chapter in Bea's and her friends' story! :) ;) Love the topic of fear and the root of those fears being memories...a wonderful topic to tackle in the context our loving little Bea! :) :) And you even teach the reader the little lightening count trick to help ease fears! :) Thank you, as always, for sharing, Liz! :) ;) Yvette
Comment Written 31-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Yvette, thank you for your lovely review. You definitely get me & what I intend to get across.
Comment from LaRosa
Your story has me remembering that when I was a kid someone taught me to notice the lightening flash, then to wait while counting seconds til the thunder was heard. We divided the seconds by something and found how far away the lightening was. Now I can't remember the equation. Does Bea know?
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Your story has me remembering that when I was a kid someone taught me to notice the lightening flash, then to wait while counting seconds til the thunder was heard. We divided the seconds by something and found how far away the lightening was. Now I can't remember the equation. Does Bea know?
Comment Written 31-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Bea says, "every 5 seconds equals a mile" I did not know that. I just do a slow count and it tells me enough, to get ready for the one which will shake the house.
Thank you for your interactive review. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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Thank Bea for me! :) :)
Comment from Beck Fenton
I always like to read about Bea the wee bear and her friends. I like taking away the capitalization from the different exercises. It lets the flow of the story just... well... flow. LOL
Actually counting the seconds after the lightning involves hearing the thunder... loud noise. You may want to look at this.
(After you see a flash of lightning, count the number of seconds until you hear the thunder. (Use the stop watch or count "One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi, Three-Mississippi," etc.)
For every 5 seconds the storm is one mile away. Divide the number of seconds you count by 5 to get the number of miles.)
Love the story!
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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I always like to read about Bea the wee bear and her friends. I like taking away the capitalization from the different exercises. It lets the flow of the story just... well... flow. LOL
Actually counting the seconds after the lightning involves hearing the thunder... loud noise. You may want to look at this.
(After you see a flash of lightning, count the number of seconds until you hear the thunder. (Use the stop watch or count "One-Mississippi, Two-Mississippi, Three-Mississippi," etc.)
For every 5 seconds the storm is one mile away. Divide the number of seconds you count by 5 to get the number of miles.)
Love the story!
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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When I'm in the midst of a t-storm, I do not have the wherewithall to math. I'm not good at it even if I'm calm. I just do a slow count and it tells me enough, to get ready for the one which will shake the house. I got negative reviews from professional reviewers about the caps, so they are no more for Bea 2.
Thank you for your involved review.
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Well, don't let negative reviews rule. I personally think the story flows better, but you can play with the ways to set apart the exercises.
Strolling exercise
(strolling) exercise
(STROLLING) exercise
*strolling exercise* (my favorite, I think)
Just be you, Liz. Sending some bear hugs. (((HUGS)))
Comment from Earl Corp
That is a pretty cool picture you chose to accompany the story. This isn't my usual genre to read but I read the last installment and was intrigued. Nice job.
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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That is a pretty cool picture you chose to accompany the story. This isn't my usual genre to read but I read the last installment and was intrigued. Nice job.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2018
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Thank you for the enthusiastic review. I(t is a Winnie the Pooh genre which essentially is for all ages. I'm glad you enjoyed it and took an interest in it.
Comment from BeasPeas
Oh what a wonderful chapter to your story, Liz. Sweet puppy and Bea. Could there be anything more beautiful? I really liked this happy paragraph:
"Bea was surprised how none of them really minded getting wet. Scruffles even played a bit trying to catch some minnows. Sweet Puppy did the "doggy paddle" in shallow water. This made her laugh harder than she had ever laughed before. A real bear belly laugh. Everyone got out and shook the water off as if they were shaking some of their bad memories off."
Very nicely written.
Marilyn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
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Oh what a wonderful chapter to your story, Liz. Sweet puppy and Bea. Could there be anything more beautiful? I really liked this happy paragraph:
"Bea was surprised how none of them really minded getting wet. Scruffles even played a bit trying to catch some minnows. Sweet Puppy did the "doggy paddle" in shallow water. This made her laugh harder than she had ever laughed before. A real bear belly laugh. Everyone got out and shook the water off as if they were shaking some of their bad memories off."
Very nicely written.
Marilyn
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
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Thank you for your lovely review. I'm so glad you appreciate my writing.
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Yes, very nice indeed. Marilyn
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I plan to nominate you for reviewer for next month too.
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Thank you so much, Liz. Your story is truly charming and a teaching lesson, too. Marilyn
