Not Sure Yet
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Burnt Offerings"Free verse poems
28 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
Leave it just as it is. This is one of those times when the poem needs to be presented with all the raw edges showing. Smoothing, polishing and editing would I believe tend to emasculate the thing.
Its choppiness is what makes it so real. It captures that note of panic that is approptiate, to both disasters, and to what you and other survivors must be feeling now, whether you were touched directly by loss, or whether you were one of the 'lucky' ones that must live in the wreckage of a community. In that sense you survivors in Thousand Oaks and Malibu are surrounded by the ruins of that society. It might be easier for those who escaped from Paradise as that, I understand, has totally ceased to exist.
This is brilliantly done and I wouldn't change a thing. I wish you success at the reading tomorrow, if you think you can get through it. I am honestly not sure whether I could.
The way you have brought the two disasters together to my mind is totally brilliant. If I were you I would try and get this published in a local paper or magazine before time blurs memories.
If I didn't know you wanted feedback urgently I would leave replying to this until Sunday, when the new issue of six star packages comes out. I have never seen anything more worthy, but all I have is a miserly five.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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Leave it just as it is. This is one of those times when the poem needs to be presented with all the raw edges showing. Smoothing, polishing and editing would I believe tend to emasculate the thing.
Its choppiness is what makes it so real. It captures that note of panic that is approptiate, to both disasters, and to what you and other survivors must be feeling now, whether you were touched directly by loss, or whether you were one of the 'lucky' ones that must live in the wreckage of a community. In that sense you survivors in Thousand Oaks and Malibu are surrounded by the ruins of that society. It might be easier for those who escaped from Paradise as that, I understand, has totally ceased to exist.
This is brilliantly done and I wouldn't change a thing. I wish you success at the reading tomorrow, if you think you can get through it. I am honestly not sure whether I could.
The way you have brought the two disasters together to my mind is totally brilliant. If I were you I would try and get this published in a local paper or magazine before time blurs memories.
If I didn't know you wanted feedback urgently I would leave replying to this until Sunday, when the new issue of six star packages comes out. I have never seen anything more worthy, but all I have is a miserly five.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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I think I agree that too much polishing would make this seem...very strange. I just found out that the local poet laureates are calling for poems in the "fire and mud" category to be submitted for a special reading in January. I think I will submit this one, and see what happens.
I have a feeling that the session tomorrow will be very emotionally fraught. Let's hope I can get through the poem...and thank you for the quick reply and your support. I must say, it is strange to drive through our cities here with black hills and mountains on either side - it's awful. Every time I go to the chiropractor, I go right by the memorial set up for the victims of the shooting. I walk over and stand there for a few minutes (I go to the chiro once/week). Each time there are more flowers, pictures, etc. Now there are cowboy boots and hats too. Someone put up tents over the whole thing because of all the rain. It is honestly so very sad...
Carol
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for auditioning your poem with us first. I hope you are beginning to revive after these harrowing disasters. Fortunately, we did not have to evacuate, but lost all services and connection with the outside world for some time. We are eight miles from the burn zone in Malibu, and my fingers are crossed that the photograph is not as close by your house as it looks. Your description took my breath away, and I will never forget the "Rainfall is a thousand gods sobbing". If it rains again today and tomorrow, may it be gentle and make "hope spring". Take good care of yourself- Joan
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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Thank you for auditioning your poem with us first. I hope you are beginning to revive after these harrowing disasters. Fortunately, we did not have to evacuate, but lost all services and connection with the outside world for some time. We are eight miles from the burn zone in Malibu, and my fingers are crossed that the photograph is not as close by your house as it looks. Your description took my breath away, and I will never forget the "Rainfall is a thousand gods sobbing". If it rains again today and tomorrow, may it be gentle and make "hope spring". Take good care of yourself- Joan
Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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I figured you were south of where the fires were but I didn't know you lost all services. I imagine that went on for a couple of weeks. My mother in law stayed with us for three weeks - she is an invalid with caregivers so that was interesting. Tomorrow we may have some gentle rain, the storm next week could be another big one...
hugs,
Carol
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Your mother-in-law must have been so grateful to have a safe and caring place to escape to. I hope next weeks storm does not create too much havoc. Be well and enjoy your reading- Joan
Comment from nancy_e_davis
There is a lot of feeling and heartache in this poem Carole. It makes my heart hurt just to read it. Yes, the earth will renew itself. The families not so much. Senseless killings. When will it ever end? This is a moving piece of poetry. Well done. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2018
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There is a lot of feeling and heartache in this poem Carole. It makes my heart hurt just to read it. Yes, the earth will renew itself. The families not so much. Senseless killings. When will it ever end? This is a moving piece of poetry. Well done. :) Nancy
Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2018
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I feel so terrible thinking about the families, and the animals who get a lot of their water intake from plants - and they are all burned up now. What will they do? I just don't know. Thank you for reading this one, Nancy,
Carol
Comment from country ranch writer
Disjointed this is of happenings of things going on in the world beyond our control. It is hard to digest yet it shows the tragedy people go through and suffer in spite of it all some make it some don't.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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Disjointed this is of happenings of things going on in the world beyond our control. It is hard to digest yet it shows the tragedy people go through and suffer in spite of it all some make it some don't.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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Thank you for reading my poem,
Carol
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smiles
Comment from l.d.lauritzen
Lots of thoughts in this one poem. I wonder if you couldn't make it stronger be breaking it into parts making each piece cry out stronger. The voice you're expressing is important, but fragmenting it in too many pieces might result in the voice being lost in the fury of the wind. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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Lots of thoughts in this one poem. I wonder if you couldn't make it stronger be breaking it into parts making each piece cry out stronger. The voice you're expressing is important, but fragmenting it in too many pieces might result in the voice being lost in the fury of the wind. Keep writing.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2018
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Thank you for the comments, I appreciate your feedback,
Carol
Comment from royowen
A very emotive and strongly worded, with grief, anger, frustration all mixed together in a cacophony of silent sound that screams without resolution, I don't think you should edit, unless of course, spelling, and even then, retain the rawness of the language. The emotion needs retention, capturing a moment in time. Well done Carol, that's how poetry should be written, blessings, Roy
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A very emotive and strongly worded, with grief, anger, frustration all mixed together in a cacophony of silent sound that screams without resolution, I don't think you should edit, unless of course, spelling, and even then, retain the rawness of the language. The emotion needs retention, capturing a moment in time. Well done Carol, that's how poetry should be written, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
Comment from Artasylum
I live in Santa Monica and it is so tough to see the beautiful hillsides charred just before the slide, from rain, overtaking mud... Hwy. 1 cutting Malibu off at the pass tragedy struck twice.
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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2018
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I live in Santa Monica and it is so tough to see the beautiful hillsides charred just before the slide, from rain, overtaking mud... Hwy. 1 cutting Malibu off at the pass tragedy struck twice.
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Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2018
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Oh so you're close by. These fires are just getting worse every year, and the mudslides are bad too...
Carol
Comment from Sugarray77
I think you will find that the choppiness will help portray your troubled emotions as you read this aloud. Do not try to smooth this, in my opinion, because it is very good. I have not been to a reading before, but do you give them the author notes prior to reading? That might help because you are including two different events. Just wondering.
Melissa
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reply by the author on 30-Nov-2018
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I think you will find that the choppiness will help portray your troubled emotions as you read this aloud. Do not try to smooth this, in my opinion, because it is very good. I have not been to a reading before, but do you give them the author notes prior to reading? That might help because you are including two different events. Just wondering.
Melissa
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2018
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Everyone there will know exactly what I'm talking about because we are essentially the same community. But if I were reading somewhere else I would certainly give an explanation beforehand. Now I'm off to the chiropractor, which is right beside the bar where the shooting happened, and the memorial is on the sidewalk beside the office.
Thank you :))
Carol
