Mamaragan
An exercise with slant rhyme used for a purpose (see note)42 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Tony I must tell you, the added touch of your voice reading your poem is a real treat. The poetry takes on much more powerful tones and its strong actions are so well depicted with your voice. Bravo! good job, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Hi, Tony I must tell you, the added touch of your voice reading your poem is a real treat. The poetry takes on much more powerful tones and its strong actions are so well depicted with your voice. Bravo! good job, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks, Bob. Glad you enjoyed the sound recording. Thanks for taking the time to review. Appreciated! Tony
Comment from Ulla
Awe, Tony that is interesting. I'm referring to your notes, but back to them in a moment. I loved your poem which to me rhymed perfectly and then I saw the slant. Great imagery and rhythm.
Ah, so you have your own 'thunder and Lightening God' as we do Have Odin and Thor in Scandinavia. Interesting. Our Thor swings his hammer when he gut's angry.
All best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Awe, Tony that is interesting. I'm referring to your notes, but back to them in a moment. I loved your poem which to me rhymed perfectly and then I saw the slant. Great imagery and rhythm.
Ah, so you have your own 'thunder and Lightening God' as we do Have Odin and Thor in Scandinavia. Interesting. Our Thor swings his hammer when he gut's angry.
All best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks very much for your review, Ulla. It always amazes me how similar some of the legends and folk tales are around the world. Although I read your comment on Thor's Day, it has taken me until Freyja's Day to respond! Love your Norse mythology!
Comment from estory
I think you have some strong images in this poem, this image of the leaves swirling around in the wind, above the heads of the people, the lightning and the thunder. I thought it created a wonderful sense of change, of metamorphosis, of moving from one dimension to another. The women seem to stand in awe of him, but dare not approach. There is a sense of distance between Mamaragan and the people estory
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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I think you have some strong images in this poem, this image of the leaves swirling around in the wind, above the heads of the people, the lightning and the thunder. I thought it created a wonderful sense of change, of metamorphosis, of moving from one dimension to another. The women seem to stand in awe of him, but dare not approach. There is a sense of distance between Mamaragan and the people estory
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks for your comments about the strength of the imagery in this. Appreciated. All the best, Tony
Comment from rama devi
Absolutely LOVED hearing you read this masterful, remarkable write. Dramatic, delightfully rich in resonance and highly textured phonetics too. Superb flow. Superb rhymes...especially slant rhymes, like
calm/alarm
leash/beseech
kites/strikes
conspire/spear
amok/back
The last stanza's slant rhymes are not as strong but they sound good when YOU read them aloud.
I LOVE YOUR ACCENT AND VOICE!
I especially enjoyed the sounds of the first stanza read aloud:
The gentle swish of leaves when all is calm
sussurates like silk that sweeps the floor
as ladies coyly chat, without alarm,
in whispered tones, of those that they adore.
And the continued S sounds here too:
A stronger gust soon sets the leaves to dance.
They tug, as does the puppy on his leash
when winds hold tempting scents to make him prance.
They're like impatient children who beseech
HUGE applause for the simile of a puppy on the leash. So apt in the context...and imaginative.
Fine personification, well-depicted with flair in the flare and all the F sounds paired with W and C here:
The wind, with nostrils flared, kicks off its trace,
and weaker leaves are wrenched from flailing trees.
They whirl around, with flurries giving chase,
as towering clouds lift up the whitecap seas.
Two spag suggestions:
*
They're like impatient children(,) who beseech
*
The god(,) with booming voice(,) has hurled his spear(; or .)
Mamaragan is mad and run amok.
Awesome work! A six. Bravo
Warmly, rd
P.S. I'm not reviewing much these days. Busy editing numerous books for clients.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Absolutely LOVED hearing you read this masterful, remarkable write. Dramatic, delightfully rich in resonance and highly textured phonetics too. Superb flow. Superb rhymes...especially slant rhymes, like
calm/alarm
leash/beseech
kites/strikes
conspire/spear
amok/back
The last stanza's slant rhymes are not as strong but they sound good when YOU read them aloud.
I LOVE YOUR ACCENT AND VOICE!
I especially enjoyed the sounds of the first stanza read aloud:
The gentle swish of leaves when all is calm
sussurates like silk that sweeps the floor
as ladies coyly chat, without alarm,
in whispered tones, of those that they adore.
And the continued S sounds here too:
A stronger gust soon sets the leaves to dance.
They tug, as does the puppy on his leash
when winds hold tempting scents to make him prance.
They're like impatient children who beseech
HUGE applause for the simile of a puppy on the leash. So apt in the context...and imaginative.
Fine personification, well-depicted with flair in the flare and all the F sounds paired with W and C here:
The wind, with nostrils flared, kicks off its trace,
and weaker leaves are wrenched from flailing trees.
They whirl around, with flurries giving chase,
as towering clouds lift up the whitecap seas.
Two spag suggestions:
*
They're like impatient children(,) who beseech
*
The god(,) with booming voice(,) has hurled his spear(; or .)
Mamaragan is mad and run amok.
Awesome work! A six. Bravo
Warmly, rd
P.S. I'm not reviewing much these days. Busy editing numerous books for clients.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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So good to hear from you, rd. I appreciate the time you have taken from your busy schedule to read and respond to my poem in such depth. I always feel privileged when I receive one of your reviews, and delighted when you think my work worth the extra star! I've written scarcely any poems in the last few months while I've been concentrating on the mystery novel, but thought I'd take a bit of time out to join with Pantygynt in his class on rhyme this month.
Thanks for your comma suggestions. Always appreciated.
Best wishes, Tony
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I was thrilled to see a poem from you, dear Tony, as I've not had the editing energy to read novels outside of all the four novels I am editing for clients (plus one on here, too, who I edit for outside). Speaking of which, I've to offer a discount (if I have not already) to you for editing services, if you wish for them, with your novel.
You're a quality person. I loved hearing you read this! Such a lovely accent. Hope you don't mind, I played it for my mom, who enjoyed it very much
Warmest Wishes,
rd
Comment from Dawn Munro
How wonderfully entertaining, Tony! This is highly evocative poetry, and made even more dramatic and sweet by your refined and expressive reciting of it. Like my favorite form of media, it's "theatre of the mind".
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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How wonderfully entertaining, Tony! This is highly evocative poetry, and made even more dramatic and sweet by your refined and expressive reciting of it. Like my favorite form of media, it's "theatre of the mind".
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks so much for your comments, Dawn, and for the sixth star. Glad you enjoyed my reading of the poem. All the best, Tony.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a truly exceptional response to the challenge set in the rhyme class. i is exactly the kind of reaction I was hoping for.
In addition to the rhyme being in tune with the content i also admire the way you have used some delightful similes in the first half of the poem where all is fine, moving on to the more obliqure metaphors when the storm breaks.
The sound file is also a good idea -- a splendid reading.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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This is a truly exceptional response to the challenge set in the rhyme class. i is exactly the kind of reaction I was hoping for.
In addition to the rhyme being in tune with the content i also admire the way you have used some delightful similes in the first half of the poem where all is fine, moving on to the more obliqure metaphors when the storm breaks.
The sound file is also a good idea -- a splendid reading.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Thanks, Jim. I stared at a blank piece of paper for some time before this one started to evolve. Glad you enjoyed the final outcome and thanks very much for the accolade of the sixth star. The move from similes to metaphors to increase the dramatic tone of the poem was something that hadn't occurred to me before.
Now to the vexatious subject of cross rhymes!
Comment from krys123
Cheers, Tony;
>This writing reflects and expresses not only an Aborigianal mythology with a Promethius struggle against the Mamaragan, the lightning god who speaks with thunder.
>This cumbersome and tenacious struggle is expressed demonstratively in a few verses explaining the storms rage and his difficulty battling it.
> The use of slant rhymes flavored and coated with the ambience of this poem within a story with such intense ruralizing of humanistic struggles that are Inevitably the story of human existence.
>the ABAB rhyming stanzaic strutural format's integrity is marvelously intact and now each rhyming word is contingent and supportive to the meaning and concept of each line therefore making the enjambment to flow smoothly.
> Thanks for sharing take care and have a good one, Tony.
Alx
P.S.; Didn'tn' have any six youies in my confer.
Tony, what would you think, if I were to record and back up behind with professional guitar picking background music. I have a professional recording studio. You can listen to a song I just posted called "YOU'RE FOREVERMORE".
I'd like to do a you music and still picture movie with your poem and music in the background. I could email you the progress and development and finally to place in on YouTube maybe? It's up to you and it would take me a day and just for fun and the reason is I like you work and what you write. I've done this for Robyn Corum and am worrking on a song written by Thomas Bowling.
thanks for your time
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Cheers, Tony;
>This writing reflects and expresses not only an Aborigianal mythology with a Promethius struggle against the Mamaragan, the lightning god who speaks with thunder.
>This cumbersome and tenacious struggle is expressed demonstratively in a few verses explaining the storms rage and his difficulty battling it.
> The use of slant rhymes flavored and coated with the ambience of this poem within a story with such intense ruralizing of humanistic struggles that are Inevitably the story of human existence.
>the ABAB rhyming stanzaic strutural format's integrity is marvelously intact and now each rhyming word is contingent and supportive to the meaning and concept of each line therefore making the enjambment to flow smoothly.
> Thanks for sharing take care and have a good one, Tony.
Alx
P.S.; Didn'tn' have any six youies in my confer.
Tony, what would you think, if I were to record and back up behind with professional guitar picking background music. I have a professional recording studio. You can listen to a song I just posted called "YOU'RE FOREVERMORE".
I'd like to do a you music and still picture movie with your poem and music in the background. I could email you the progress and development and finally to place in on YouTube maybe? It's up to you and it would take me a day and just for fun and the reason is I like you work and what you write. I've done this for Robyn Corum and am worrking on a song written by Thomas Bowling.
thanks for your time
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Many thanks for your review, Alx, and for the six stars. That sounds like an interesting proposition of yours, if you have the time for it. A YouTube recording that I could link back to my poetry website would be great. Is the one you did for Robyn up on YouTube?
I've looked in your portfolio and can't find You're Forevermore listed. Maybe it isn't up yet.
All the best to you and yours, Tony
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Beautiful poem Tony and very well read by you. It does make a difference to hear a poem read by the author, exactly how he intended, and regarding the slant rhyme, to be honest I never noticed it because the story in the poem is so lovely. Interesting author notes. A worthy six I think - regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Beautiful poem Tony and very well read by you. It does make a difference to hear a poem read by the author, exactly how he intended, and regarding the slant rhyme, to be honest I never noticed it because the story in the poem is so lovely. Interesting author notes. A worthy six I think - regards Dorothy
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Very many thanks, Dorothy, for your review and for your comments about the sound recording. Much appreciated - as also are the six stars! All the best, Tony
Comment from Miss Sherry
This is the first poem here I have listened to and it was quite enthralling. It is much more dramatic and meaningful, as the reader knows where to place emphasis and so forth. Thank you so much for this unique experience!
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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This is the first poem here I have listened to and it was quite enthralling. It is much more dramatic and meaningful, as the reader knows where to place emphasis and so forth. Thank you so much for this unique experience!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2019
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Very many thanks for your review of my poem and your kind comments about the reading of it. All the best, Tony
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You are more than welcome!!
Comment from Stephanie Launiu
How magnificent! This surely deserves six stars, but alas, I don't have any left to give. Your reading of the poem made it all come to life. Yes, the ancients had superheroes too. The next time we have a thunder and lightning storm, I will think of Mamaragan.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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How magnificent! This surely deserves six stars, but alas, I don't have any left to give. Your reading of the poem made it all come to life. Yes, the ancients had superheroes too. The next time we have a thunder and lightning storm, I will think of Mamaragan.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2019
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2019
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Very many thanks for your kind words, Stephanie. Much appreciated. Tony
