Redemption II
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Susie Moves in with Robert"Lance is back
17 total reviews
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
Very interesting, coming into the middle of the story, since I haven't read the previous chapter yet. One comment I have is: you are writing in the present tense but paragraph 6 is written in the past tense. Should this be present tense to keep the story flowing consistently?
Also, with the dialogue, have you considered using contractions like "can't " or "I'll" to make the speakers sound more natural?
It's getting creepy, so can't wait to find out what happens next!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2019
   |
Very interesting, coming into the middle of the story, since I haven't read the previous chapter yet. One comment I have is: you are writing in the present tense but paragraph 6 is written in the past tense. Should this be present tense to keep the story flowing consistently?
Also, with the dialogue, have you considered using contractions like "can't " or "I'll" to make the speakers sound more natural?
It's getting creepy, so can't wait to find out what happens next!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and rating. Yes I do that a lot, and one reason I am breaking down and getting an editor before I publish any of the books. I appreciate you pointing out these mistakes. Any type of feedback has helped me become a better writer. Thank you for reading.
Comment from JudyE
This is an interesting read and it's obvious there is going to be trouble in the future.
I did pick up a few points:
I looked up the meaning of 'fearsome' and I wonder if 'be afraid' wouldn't be better in the passage 'Susie starts to become fearsome'
She worried because she figured - should be 'she is worried'
Susie sternally continues - correct spelling is 'sternly'
deep concern,"She - period after 'concern'. Space missing between 'concern' and 'she'.
This is my first night here, so what do you say? - speech marks after 'say'.
wearing a sexy black little thing of lingerie. - I might have made this 'a little sexy black lingerie'.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2019
|
This is an interesting read and it's obvious there is going to be trouble in the future.
I did pick up a few points:
I looked up the meaning of 'fearsome' and I wonder if 'be afraid' wouldn't be better in the passage 'Susie starts to become fearsome'
She worried because she figured - should be 'she is worried'
Susie sternally continues - correct spelling is 'sternly'
deep concern,"She - period after 'concern'. Space missing between 'concern' and 'she'.
This is my first night here, so what do you say? - speech marks after 'say'.
wearing a sexy black little thing of lingerie. - I might have made this 'a little sexy black lingerie'.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and your rating. I appreciate the feedback, and pointing out those mistakes. I will change them and probably tomorrow when I have more time. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Mia Twysted
The calm before the storm, isn't that how it always is?
I can feel the tension and build up. She knows something is wrong, but she just can't seem to put her finger on it. Nothing is ever truly over and there are always remittances left that dig their way into our lives as it seems her dead husband is about to do again.
Not having read the first book I now want to see all that has already occurred. It sounds very interesting and I love the dead coming back to get their justice on those that brought them harm.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2019
|
The calm before the storm, isn't that how it always is?
I can feel the tension and build up. She knows something is wrong, but she just can't seem to put her finger on it. Nothing is ever truly over and there are always remittances left that dig their way into our lives as it seems her dead husband is about to do again.
Not having read the first book I now want to see all that has already occurred. It sounds very interesting and I love the dead coming back to get their justice on those that brought them harm.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and your rating. I am glad you can feel the tension. I have always like the concept of the dead getting their justice. Thank you for reading.
Comment from DeborahWrite
Dear SLMORRICAL,
What a chapter! I am so interested in your writing! Regarding feedback, in the following line, I believe the word is"know" not "now".
The mirror should have been buried. Susie couldn't now the corner was broken, so he is free, and no one knows this.
Still 5 stars, My best, Deborah
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2019
|
Dear SLMORRICAL,
What a chapter! I am so interested in your writing! Regarding feedback, in the following line, I believe the word is"know" not "now".
The mirror should have been buried. Susie couldn't now the corner was broken, so he is free, and no one knows this.
Still 5 stars, My best, Deborah
Comment Written 22-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and your rating. I fixed the word now to know. Thank you for the encouraging words, and being interested in my writing. Thank you for reading.
-
It is my pleasure and it's great to support one another! Deborah
Comment from Regal Bellford
I hate that I love this so much lol. I say that because the writing is so different in format and structure from what I would do. But I am realizing more and more how perfect it is for this book. It is like a little picaso. The format differs a little, like faces in his paintings are modified. It isn't wrong, it is actually just how it should be.
I loved this line: "Susie wondered if the recent conversation had a destructive effect on him..."
***gasp*** "Susie wonders if Robert realizes the same thing. He did come from a background of magic." - i didn't know robert knows magic
Suggestion: it's not a big deal I am just throwing an idea:
["Yes, we should." Susie's cell phone rings. "Hello, oh hey T. What's up? Are you serious, but how? No, I haven't and I should be the one getting them. Okay, We will talk later." Susie's face has an expression of distress.]
or
{ "Yes, we should." Susie's cell phone rings. "Hello... oh hey T. What's up? ...Are you serious, but how? ...No, I haven't and I should be the one getting them... Okay, We will talk later." Susie's face has an expression of distress.}
another suggestion/question:
["That was T, you know my friend Teresa Legan."]
is there a comma before the name??
{"That was T, you know my friend, Teresa Legan."}
i know things done in speech can have different rules depending on the flow wanted. I am not sure which is correct.
...
I am a little confused right here. Is she continuing a monolog? i see two paragraphs:
["She said while she was sleeping today she had a dream about Lance coming back to kill me. She also said it wasn't the first one she had. She is just worried about me."
"She had a nightmare. It is just her own fear, she was worried that Lance was going to go after her. She worried because she figured out you brought him back to kill those salesmen he worked with." Robert walks over to Susie and holds her in an effort to comfort her. ]
should it be:
"She said while she was sleeping today she had a dream about Lance coming back to kill me. She also said it wasn't the first one she had. She is just worried about me," susie exclaimed. "She had a nightmare. It is just her own fear, she was worried that Lance was going to go after her. She worried because she figured out you brought him back to kill those salesmen he worked with."
Robert listened before walking over to Susie and holds her in an effort to comfort her. }
Maybe I just got a little lost in the text and it's just me...
...
suggestion:
["Robert, I don't know, I did the spell. I will get the three-fold in return. I haven't received it, and I should've already had something, even if it was a nightmare about what I did," ]
or
{"Robert. I don't know. I did the spell. I will get the three-fold in return. I haven't received it. And I should've already had something, even if it was a nightmare about what I did," } They recommend not starting with a "and" in a sentence, but sometimes I like to when the story is giving an important line or dialogue.
....
another suggestion:
["Okay, enough, besides Donna is also the closest thing I have to family, and she hasn't had any nightmares or anything like that."]
or
{"Okay. Enough. Besides, Donna is also the closest thing I have to family. She also hasn't had any nightmares or anything like that."}
or
{"Okay, enough. Besides, Donna is also the closest thing I have to family, and she hasn't had any nightmares or anything of the sort."}
i feel like the commas and the periods give longer pauses and in turn different speeches. just a thought
...
also works in:
[Robert cracked a little smile, "I say, yes let's."]
or
{Robert cracked a little smile, "I say yes, let's." }
or
{Robert cracked a little smile, "I say, yes. Let's."}
I prefer the third one. it is a small detail. But read it out like an actor reading a script. He would look at these three different phrases and give different kinds or reactions. like i said, it may be too minor.
...
i would put a comma here
"Robert(,) you know I love you, and I don't want Lance to destroy what we have. If it wasn't for him I would have never met you."
and
"Okay sugar(,) let me get into something a little more comfortable for a night to remember."
a recommendation:
"Well hello big boy,(period) Are you ready for me?" Susie starts walking towards the bed. Robert gets up and kisses her very passionately and they fall on the bed. The(forgot the Y) made love twice that night,(period and delete "and") and Lance was forgotten and (no longer- instead of "not")not talked about. They fell asleep in each other's arms(blissful and unaware of their fate). A fate that Susie could have avoided if she had buried that mirror.
ok I will just past the rest and give suggestions:
The following morning they arise (rose) with a smile on their faces. It's a happy smile. While having coffee and breakfast Robert brings up a question that should not have been asked. "Susie do we need to talk more about Lance and Teresa's nightmares?"
"No, (period) We ended that conversation last night. Now Lance is gone and you are probably right about her nightmares, Mr. Detective."
"Okay,(period) I will be at the precinct until seven tonight. Want to meet me at Pernellies for dinner?
"Sure, (period)I'll meet you there at eight. Will give me time to dress and you time to get finished work."
"Great(period) See you then." They kiss each other goodbye and go on with their day. No more conversation about Lance and what Susie did two years ago. Susie is the only one still letting it get in her mind.
Susie is still going round and round the three-fold inside her head, and how it hasn't happened to her. She knows it should, and one reason she never missed with magic or spells, until that day she brought her dead husband back for magical justice.(<-bit of a long sentence) Susie and Robert ended the conversation about Lance(comma?) for now. Little did they know they would have to not only talk about him but will have to trap him again.
great chapter!!!!!!!!!
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
|
I hate that I love this so much lol. I say that because the writing is so different in format and structure from what I would do. But I am realizing more and more how perfect it is for this book. It is like a little picaso. The format differs a little, like faces in his paintings are modified. It isn't wrong, it is actually just how it should be.
I loved this line: "Susie wondered if the recent conversation had a destructive effect on him..."
***gasp*** "Susie wonders if Robert realizes the same thing. He did come from a background of magic." - i didn't know robert knows magic
Suggestion: it's not a big deal I am just throwing an idea:
["Yes, we should." Susie's cell phone rings. "Hello, oh hey T. What's up? Are you serious, but how? No, I haven't and I should be the one getting them. Okay, We will talk later." Susie's face has an expression of distress.]
or
{ "Yes, we should." Susie's cell phone rings. "Hello... oh hey T. What's up? ...Are you serious, but how? ...No, I haven't and I should be the one getting them... Okay, We will talk later." Susie's face has an expression of distress.}
another suggestion/question:
["That was T, you know my friend Teresa Legan."]
is there a comma before the name??
{"That was T, you know my friend, Teresa Legan."}
i know things done in speech can have different rules depending on the flow wanted. I am not sure which is correct.
...
I am a little confused right here. Is she continuing a monolog? i see two paragraphs:
["She said while she was sleeping today she had a dream about Lance coming back to kill me. She also said it wasn't the first one she had. She is just worried about me."
"She had a nightmare. It is just her own fear, she was worried that Lance was going to go after her. She worried because she figured out you brought him back to kill those salesmen he worked with." Robert walks over to Susie and holds her in an effort to comfort her. ]
should it be:
"She said while she was sleeping today she had a dream about Lance coming back to kill me. She also said it wasn't the first one she had. She is just worried about me," susie exclaimed. "She had a nightmare. It is just her own fear, she was worried that Lance was going to go after her. She worried because she figured out you brought him back to kill those salesmen he worked with."
Robert listened before walking over to Susie and holds her in an effort to comfort her. }
Maybe I just got a little lost in the text and it's just me...
...
suggestion:
["Robert, I don't know, I did the spell. I will get the three-fold in return. I haven't received it, and I should've already had something, even if it was a nightmare about what I did," ]
or
{"Robert. I don't know. I did the spell. I will get the three-fold in return. I haven't received it. And I should've already had something, even if it was a nightmare about what I did," } They recommend not starting with a "and" in a sentence, but sometimes I like to when the story is giving an important line or dialogue.
....
another suggestion:
["Okay, enough, besides Donna is also the closest thing I have to family, and she hasn't had any nightmares or anything like that."]
or
{"Okay. Enough. Besides, Donna is also the closest thing I have to family. She also hasn't had any nightmares or anything like that."}
or
{"Okay, enough. Besides, Donna is also the closest thing I have to family, and she hasn't had any nightmares or anything of the sort."}
i feel like the commas and the periods give longer pauses and in turn different speeches. just a thought
...
also works in:
[Robert cracked a little smile, "I say, yes let's."]
or
{Robert cracked a little smile, "I say yes, let's." }
or
{Robert cracked a little smile, "I say, yes. Let's."}
I prefer the third one. it is a small detail. But read it out like an actor reading a script. He would look at these three different phrases and give different kinds or reactions. like i said, it may be too minor.
...
i would put a comma here
"Robert(,) you know I love you, and I don't want Lance to destroy what we have. If it wasn't for him I would have never met you."
and
"Okay sugar(,) let me get into something a little more comfortable for a night to remember."
a recommendation:
"Well hello big boy,(period) Are you ready for me?" Susie starts walking towards the bed. Robert gets up and kisses her very passionately and they fall on the bed. The(forgot the Y) made love twice that night,(period and delete "and") and Lance was forgotten and (no longer- instead of "not")not talked about. They fell asleep in each other's arms(blissful and unaware of their fate). A fate that Susie could have avoided if she had buried that mirror.
ok I will just past the rest and give suggestions:
The following morning they arise (rose) with a smile on their faces. It's a happy smile. While having coffee and breakfast Robert brings up a question that should not have been asked. "Susie do we need to talk more about Lance and Teresa's nightmares?"
"No, (period) We ended that conversation last night. Now Lance is gone and you are probably right about her nightmares, Mr. Detective."
"Okay,(period) I will be at the precinct until seven tonight. Want to meet me at Pernellies for dinner?
"Sure, (period)I'll meet you there at eight. Will give me time to dress and you time to get finished work."
"Great(period) See you then." They kiss each other goodbye and go on with their day. No more conversation about Lance and what Susie did two years ago. Susie is the only one still letting it get in her mind.
Susie is still going round and round the three-fold inside her head, and how it hasn't happened to her. She knows it should, and one reason she never missed with magic or spells, until that day she brought her dead husband back for magical justice.(<-bit of a long sentence) Susie and Robert ended the conversation about Lance(comma?) for now. Little did they know they would have to not only talk about him but will have to trap him again.
great chapter!!!!!!!!!
Comment Written 18-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and rating. If you read the first book you would know that Robert did come from an environment of magic. Thank you for your input and before I promote the chapter again I will look at them and make some changes. I always love any input. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Mistydawn
This chapter is very interesting, a good start to a promising story. I can't wait to see where you'll take it. I did find a few things I think you consider.
As she moves some boxes into Robert's condo he helps her and makes room for her in the closet and the dresser. Maybe Robert is making room for her at his condo while she moves a few boxes in.
Robert kisses her again and brings some more boxes in. Maybe Robert kisses her again, before he brings more boxes in.
Lance was the last man I married, and I'm not getting married again. He was my soul mate."
Maybe The last man I married was my soul mate and that's why I don't want to get married again.
These are just helpful suggestions. It's you're story so you word it, do with it what you want. Overall it was very interesting, the characters seemed real, believable.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
|
This chapter is very interesting, a good start to a promising story. I can't wait to see where you'll take it. I did find a few things I think you consider.
As she moves some boxes into Robert's condo he helps her and makes room for her in the closet and the dresser. Maybe Robert is making room for her at his condo while she moves a few boxes in.
Robert kisses her again and brings some more boxes in. Maybe Robert kisses her again, before he brings more boxes in.
Lance was the last man I married, and I'm not getting married again. He was my soul mate."
Maybe The last man I married was my soul mate and that's why I don't want to get married again.
These are just helpful suggestions. It's you're story so you word it, do with it what you want. Overall it was very interesting, the characters seemed real, believable.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your rating and your review. I will look at this suggestions, and make some changes. I always love input and I take all suggestions. Thank you for reading.
Comment from meeshu
my PC has been in a black hole for a week, don't know how much is lost. so I will be slow to read as I pick-up the pieces. I love reading your story and I think I'm up to date. good work, ESEL.......................meeshu
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
|
my PC has been in a black hole for a week, don't know how much is lost. so I will be slow to read as I pick-up the pieces. I love reading your story and I think I'm up to date. good work, ESEL.......................meeshu
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and rating. You are up to date this is the last chapter I posted. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Vicki Ziemer
Although this is an interesting story, it seems to need to be streamlined, and maybe edit it a bit to make the flow better and make the conversations sound a little more realistic. I made a few notes about a few of the things that I am talking about.
You have Susie saying, " Now, Robert, we've been through this." I would eliminate the Now.
Your conversation between Robert and Susie about Lance being her soul mate and that she would not marry him, out of respect for Lance, ( who sounds like a very bad guy). I can't imagine Robert feeling like this is ok, and going along with that.
When Susie sees the black goo oozing out of a box, you write, " Susie starts to become fearsome. " This seems a little too wordy and a little contrived. It means that Susie feels worried, so maybe just saying it simply might work better.
You write that after they make love, " Lance was forgotten and not talked about" I don't think you need to say " and forgotten about"
You say, " the next morning they arise with a smile on their faces. It's a happy smile" Happy smile is redundant. I think it would work better if you said they awoke smiling, or something like that. A much simpler sentence.
Those are a few things that, for me, would improve the flow of the story and make the conversations seem more natural. I am looking forward to the next installment.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
|
Although this is an interesting story, it seems to need to be streamlined, and maybe edit it a bit to make the flow better and make the conversations sound a little more realistic. I made a few notes about a few of the things that I am talking about.
You have Susie saying, " Now, Robert, we've been through this." I would eliminate the Now.
Your conversation between Robert and Susie about Lance being her soul mate and that she would not marry him, out of respect for Lance, ( who sounds like a very bad guy). I can't imagine Robert feeling like this is ok, and going along with that.
When Susie sees the black goo oozing out of a box, you write, " Susie starts to become fearsome. " This seems a little too wordy and a little contrived. It means that Susie feels worried, so maybe just saying it simply might work better.
You write that after they make love, " Lance was forgotten and not talked about" I don't think you need to say " and forgotten about"
You say, " the next morning they arise with a smile on their faces. It's a happy smile" Happy smile is redundant. I think it would work better if you said they awoke smiling, or something like that. A much simpler sentence.
Those are a few things that, for me, would improve the flow of the story and make the conversations seem more natural. I am looking forward to the next installment.
Comment Written 15-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and rating. Thank you for your input and comments and corrections. I love all feedback, it has helped me become a better writer. Susie's loyalty to Lance in the first book, is what Robert was attracted to, so he is okay with it. I am taking your corrections into consideration, and appreciate you taking the time to read and critique.
Comment from Maria Millsaps
Good writing and it keeps the reader engaged and guessing of what's next. The cliff hanger is enticing. I am very curious about what is going to happen next.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
|
Good writing and it keeps the reader engaged and guessing of what's next. The cliff hanger is enticing. I am very curious about what is going to happen next.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and rating. Thank you for saying it keeps the reader engaged. That's what I want as a writer.
Stay tuned and you will see what happens next. Thank you for reading.
Comment from Kelli Ness Rasmusson
Yes yes, very intriguing!! Flows nicely and very easy to follow. Love the suspense, and the black ooze!?!? Reall keeps you wanting to read the rest of the story. Very good, thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
|
Yes yes, very intriguing!! Flows nicely and very easy to follow. Love the suspense, and the black ooze!?!? Reall keeps you wanting to read the rest of the story. Very good, thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
-
Thank you for your review and rating. Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you love the suspense. The black ooze will be explained later. Thank you for reading.
