Redemption II
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Susie Moves in with Robert"Lance is back
17 total reviews
Comment from Colin John
Hi
I really enjoyed your writing and your layout and straightforward dictionary is surely what we all should aim for . I noted the OOO which is similar to my tap tap tap tap
in my first book, it looks wrong but how would you go about this another way. but i guess its not wrong.Did you think that when writing i should ask?
Well done and Kind Regards Colin
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
  |
Hi
I really enjoyed your writing and your layout and straightforward dictionary is surely what we all should aim for . I noted the OOO which is similar to my tap tap tap tap
in my first book, it looks wrong but how would you go about this another way. but i guess its not wrong.Did you think that when writing i should ask?
Well done and Kind Regards Colin
Comment Written 12-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 13-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I agree the OOO looks wrong, but yes how are you going to put it another way if someone in the story says that. I also look at it as literary license. Story tellers can create words or even different languages, so it is the way it is. Thank you for reading.
Comment from AngelineMelin
Hi, nice to read you today, and that picture definitely sums up this chapter. You did have a few errors in your story. Lots of missing commas in compoud sentences and one in an introductory clause. I presumed you were American so I didn't fix your Americanisms, like realise, etc, or in your case, realize. I use British English, and you no longer need a fullstop after Mrs or Mr. Apart from that, it was pretty clean for grammar edits. You also have a spelling error in your background info at the top, 'now' I think should read 'know'.
Usually, a publisher will want internal thought in italics, not speech marks. Here:
She shakes her head and whispers to herself, "Lance is trapped in a mirror in a box that is in storage."
I have edited out your mistakes and if you are chasing stars, just get back to me if you like the edits and I will change the rating. And my other suggestion for your writing is to let the reader see CLEARLY, what the chalice is for your protagonist. What do they want? Usually, you must give them this so it becomes the driving force for your novel. I wasn't clear what this protagonist's chalice was. There are nine points to plotting your novel, and you can google them and I suggest bring your novel up to speed with these. And I would do an edit for works like 'only' etc, 'very', words that are unnecessary to the plot and moving it forward.
and I have put some of these in brackets to show you what I mean and I have not edited your work for this. Unnecessary words really show an immature writer and weigh the story down. Get rid of them and then make a habit of not writing them in. It might only seem like a word here and there but altogether, they will work against you if you seek representation for your work with an editor or publisher.
As far as the plot goes, and how excited I was to keep reading, I will be honest and say I got bored with the characters and they didn't hold my interest. I found it difficult to invest in the writing, it felt like too much pussyfooting around for very little, but this is only your first chapter so that is in your favor. We as the reader don't need to know that there was roast potato, carrots, etc, on their plate, we need to get to the driving concern of the plot. I call it a chalice, but that is a symbol for the momentum of a story. Whether it is prose or non-fiction, the story needs an undertow to pull it along. Excuse spelling errors, by the way, they're not intentional, and you're the one on review, not me, lol. A lot of writers when they write a biographical non-fiction work they make the mistake of thinking people are going to invest in their story about their uncle and so they start out writing about him and his job and illnesses, etc. Only at FS, lol. The uncle still has to want something or be exceptional, or reflect a culture little is known about. A driving factor. We all have our own uncles with illnesses who play golf. What makes your uncle interesting/ out of the box, and you have to get to that right at the beginning.?? And they will soon discover if they send it off to publishers, that without a chalice, or fame, etc., it will not fly. Hemingway said writing is like life with the boring bits taken out and never a truer word said about literature.
And the world or concepts for your world have to be researched and imagined. This is the 'world' you are creating for your reader, and you can't just use a word like 'ooze' and think that is spellbinding enough to be world building and we are going to find that interesting. That's the sort of thing that makes it difficult to invest. A weak premise. Hope that makes sense, and I'm assuming you want to be a writer in the real world btw.
The main characters and their mission need to be uppermost and in front of the reader to keep them wanting to turn the page. All of us have lived with dreary routines. Can you imagine how the Queen feels seeing all those red boxes coming in at the end of a long day? Here her signature is required so the correct officials can count the Swans on the Thames or her need to sign-off on the official nomenclature for the new North Wing of Nottingham's base Hospital? We might think that sounds cool, but to her, it is really boring.
So, my suggestion for improvement would be to write a plot arc for your novel. Identify the driving factors in your characters. I read a lot and I read this person the other day and she was saying, "Oh, just wait 'til I get to chapter three," hahaha No one but Fanstorians are going to wait 'til you get to Chapter Three. In the first few paragraphs, we should glimpse some of the main characters, their world, and their quest. What do they want? etc. You can google 'treatment' and 'logline'. When you write a logline and a treatment for a script, you are actually plotting your script, it's like a little recipe. A logline is two or three sentences that sum up your script or novel, and it's harder than it sounds, believe me, to write an exciting one. And a treatment outlines your script or novel, it works the same for fictional or biographical prose. A treatment shows the producer and actors the set, actors and their story through the dialogue/or, it shows us the plot arc in a novel chapter by chapter. So, if you make it a writing habit to spend some time doing a logline and a treatment, and it is well worth it, you are in fact, plotting your novel. And then you use that map to keep you on that straight and narrow path to the chalice. Disney used the nine phases of a plot all the time, and very clear chalices, lol e.g. Pinocchio, chalice, wants to be a real boy, and we see all the characters, Gipetto, the fish, cat, really early on, along with the quest, and then the complications on the road to redemption, or in the case of a tragedy, not. Same with Cinderella. Chalice is to go to the ball to find her Prince. We see her and her sisters and their unfair hierarchy very early on, and then the quest to get to the ball begins until redemption, and then, the writers at Disney wrap it up quick. After redemption, you waffle-on at your peril, lol
Hope that's been helpful. Don't think you aren't a good writer, you are. All your technical stuff is good, and who doesn't wrestle with a comma, lol, and this is my honest view of this piece of writing.
Edited copy: Susie has finished all her packing and put some boxes and things in storage. As she moves some boxes into Robert's condo, he helps her and makes room for her in the closet and the dresser. "Susie, honey I want you to go and pick out a dresser for just you. I have room in the bedroom for it. I'm so glad you agreed to move in with me. I wish you would marry me."
"Now Robert, we've been through this. I told you, the last man I will ever marry is dead. Lance was the last man I married, and I'm not getting married again. He was my soul mate."
"All right, I understand," Robert grumbled.
"Robert, that doesn't mean I love you less, or that you have to compete with a ghost. It just means out of respect of what Lance and I had, I just don't believe I should get married again."
Robert walks (over-unnecessary) to Susie and kisses her. "I know it was hard for you to let him go. I know it took everything you had to trap (him-remove) and bury him again. I should (just-delete) be happy you agreed to live with me." Robert kisses her again and brings some more boxes in. He notices one of the boxes marked bedroom had some weird black ooze on it. He just set it outside the bedroom door.
"Robert, why did you set my box outside the bedroom door?" Susie wondered if the recent conversation had a destructive effect on him. She also noticed the weird black ooze on the box. The interesting thing is it is the only box with the black slime on it. Susie also realized it was the only box that had a box for storage setting on top of it.
Susie starts to become fearsome. She shakes her head and whispers to herself, "Lance is trapped in a mirror in a box that is in storage." Just to be safe Susie goes through the box, and with a sigh of relief whispers again, "No mirror." She knows if Lance escapes that mirror, and it isn't buried, and he kills anyone, it will be her fault.
Letting her fear go she finishes moving in with Robert. She is happy again after two years. She realizes it has been two years today, that she performed the spell that brought Lance back. "I haven't had my three-fold brought on to me, because of what I did," Susie says out loud.
"What sweets? What did you say?"
"Oh, nothing just thinking out loud." Susie wonders if Robert realizes the same thing. He did come from a background of magic.
"If you're almost finished putting your things away I made dinner."
"Great I'm starving."
Susie sits at the table, and Robert puts a plate of roast beef, potatoes, and carrots in front of her. "This looks so good," Susie cuts the meat and puts a piece in her mouth. "Hmm, this is good. Thank you."
"Would you like some wine? I think we should celebrate this occasion."
"Yes, we should." Susie's cell phone rings. "Hello, oh hey T. What's up? Are you serious, but how? No, I haven't, and I should be the one getting them. Okay, We will talk later." Susie's face has an expression of distress.
"Sweetie, what is it?" Robert can tell something isn't right.
"That was T, you know my friend Teresa Legan."
"Yeah, I've met her, so what's going on?
"She said while she was sleeping today she had a dream about Lance coming back to kill me. She also said it wasn't the first one she had. She is just worried about me."
"She had a nightmare. It is just her own fear, she was worried that Lance was going to go after her. She worried because she figured out you brought him back to kill those salesmen he worked with." Robert walks over to Susie and holds her to comfort her.
"Robert, I don't know, I did the spell. I will get the three-fold in return. I haven't received it, and I should've already had something, even if it was a nightmare about what I did,"
"Maybe Teresa's nightmares is your three-fold. She is the closest thing you have for family, and Lance killed those men. Those men had families. He even killed Tony Otto's wife."
"No Tony killed his own wife."
"Because Lance tricked him into killing her."
"Okay, enough, besides Donna is also the closest thing I have to family, and she hasn't had any nightmares or anything like that."
"She also didn't know you brought Lance back."
"And she never will, right!"
"You know I won't tell her."
"Good, thank you. Hey, let's clean up the kitchen and take the wine into the bedroom. This is my first night here, so what do you say?"
Robert cracked a little smile, "I say, yes let's."
They cleaned the kitchen and took the wine into the bedroom. "Robert you know I love you, and I don't want Lance to destroy what we have. If it weren't for him, I would have never met you."
"You have an interesting way of looking at things, but I would have to agree."
"Okay sugar let me get into something a little more comfortable for a night to remember."
"OOO. I think I am in trouble with you." Robert chuckled as Susie went into the bathroom. She was in there for a few minutes. She came out of the bathroom wearing a sexy black little thing of lingerie. Robert's heart started beating very fast as his excitement grew just looking at her.
"Well hello big boy, are you ready for me?" Susie starts walking towards the bed. Robert gets up and kisses her very passionately, and they fall on the bed. The made love twice that night, and Lance was forgotten and not talked about. They fell asleep in each other's arms and were blissfully unaware of their fate. A fate that Susie could have avoided if she had buried that mirror.
The following morning they arise with a smile on their faces. It's a happy smile. While having coffee and breakfast, Robert brings up a question that should not have been asked. "Susie do we need to talk more about Lance and Teresa's nightmares?"
"No, we ended that conversation last night. Now Lance is gone and you are probably right about her nightmares, Mr Detective."
"Okay, I will be at the precinct until seven tonight. Want to meet me at Pernellies for dinner?
"Sure, I'll meet you there at eight. Will give me time to dress and you time to get finished work."
"Great see you then." They kiss each other goodbye and go on with their day. No more conversation about Lance and what Susie did two years ago. Susie is the only one still letting it get in her mind.
Susie is still going round and round the three-fold inside her head, and how it hasn't happened to her. She knows it should, and one reason she never missed with magic or spells, until that day she brought her dead husband back for magical justice. Susie and Robert ended the conversation about Lance for now. Little did they know they would have to not only talk about him but will have to trap him again.
I look forward to all and any feedback. Thank you for taking the time to read.
The Characters so far:
Susie Morrell - Wife of Lance (Dead Lance) and love of Detective Robert Case
Detective Robert Case Susie's Boyfriend (Lover)
Donna Susie's longtime friend
T-Teresa Langel - Another longtime friend of Susie
Cheers, Angeline
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2019
 |
Hi, nice to read you today, and that picture definitely sums up this chapter. You did have a few errors in your story. Lots of missing commas in compoud sentences and one in an introductory clause. I presumed you were American so I didn't fix your Americanisms, like realise, etc, or in your case, realize. I use British English, and you no longer need a fullstop after Mrs or Mr. Apart from that, it was pretty clean for grammar edits. You also have a spelling error in your background info at the top, 'now' I think should read 'know'.
Usually, a publisher will want internal thought in italics, not speech marks. Here:
She shakes her head and whispers to herself, "Lance is trapped in a mirror in a box that is in storage."
I have edited out your mistakes and if you are chasing stars, just get back to me if you like the edits and I will change the rating. And my other suggestion for your writing is to let the reader see CLEARLY, what the chalice is for your protagonist. What do they want? Usually, you must give them this so it becomes the driving force for your novel. I wasn't clear what this protagonist's chalice was. There are nine points to plotting your novel, and you can google them and I suggest bring your novel up to speed with these. And I would do an edit for works like 'only' etc, 'very', words that are unnecessary to the plot and moving it forward.
and I have put some of these in brackets to show you what I mean and I have not edited your work for this. Unnecessary words really show an immature writer and weigh the story down. Get rid of them and then make a habit of not writing them in. It might only seem like a word here and there but altogether, they will work against you if you seek representation for your work with an editor or publisher.
As far as the plot goes, and how excited I was to keep reading, I will be honest and say I got bored with the characters and they didn't hold my interest. I found it difficult to invest in the writing, it felt like too much pussyfooting around for very little, but this is only your first chapter so that is in your favor. We as the reader don't need to know that there was roast potato, carrots, etc, on their plate, we need to get to the driving concern of the plot. I call it a chalice, but that is a symbol for the momentum of a story. Whether it is prose or non-fiction, the story needs an undertow to pull it along. Excuse spelling errors, by the way, they're not intentional, and you're the one on review, not me, lol. A lot of writers when they write a biographical non-fiction work they make the mistake of thinking people are going to invest in their story about their uncle and so they start out writing about him and his job and illnesses, etc. Only at FS, lol. The uncle still has to want something or be exceptional, or reflect a culture little is known about. A driving factor. We all have our own uncles with illnesses who play golf. What makes your uncle interesting/ out of the box, and you have to get to that right at the beginning.?? And they will soon discover if they send it off to publishers, that without a chalice, or fame, etc., it will not fly. Hemingway said writing is like life with the boring bits taken out and never a truer word said about literature.
And the world or concepts for your world have to be researched and imagined. This is the 'world' you are creating for your reader, and you can't just use a word like 'ooze' and think that is spellbinding enough to be world building and we are going to find that interesting. That's the sort of thing that makes it difficult to invest. A weak premise. Hope that makes sense, and I'm assuming you want to be a writer in the real world btw.
The main characters and their mission need to be uppermost and in front of the reader to keep them wanting to turn the page. All of us have lived with dreary routines. Can you imagine how the Queen feels seeing all those red boxes coming in at the end of a long day? Here her signature is required so the correct officials can count the Swans on the Thames or her need to sign-off on the official nomenclature for the new North Wing of Nottingham's base Hospital? We might think that sounds cool, but to her, it is really boring.
So, my suggestion for improvement would be to write a plot arc for your novel. Identify the driving factors in your characters. I read a lot and I read this person the other day and she was saying, "Oh, just wait 'til I get to chapter three," hahaha No one but Fanstorians are going to wait 'til you get to Chapter Three. In the first few paragraphs, we should glimpse some of the main characters, their world, and their quest. What do they want? etc. You can google 'treatment' and 'logline'. When you write a logline and a treatment for a script, you are actually plotting your script, it's like a little recipe. A logline is two or three sentences that sum up your script or novel, and it's harder than it sounds, believe me, to write an exciting one. And a treatment outlines your script or novel, it works the same for fictional or biographical prose. A treatment shows the producer and actors the set, actors and their story through the dialogue/or, it shows us the plot arc in a novel chapter by chapter. So, if you make it a writing habit to spend some time doing a logline and a treatment, and it is well worth it, you are in fact, plotting your novel. And then you use that map to keep you on that straight and narrow path to the chalice. Disney used the nine phases of a plot all the time, and very clear chalices, lol e.g. Pinocchio, chalice, wants to be a real boy, and we see all the characters, Gipetto, the fish, cat, really early on, along with the quest, and then the complications on the road to redemption, or in the case of a tragedy, not. Same with Cinderella. Chalice is to go to the ball to find her Prince. We see her and her sisters and their unfair hierarchy very early on, and then the quest to get to the ball begins until redemption, and then, the writers at Disney wrap it up quick. After redemption, you waffle-on at your peril, lol
Hope that's been helpful. Don't think you aren't a good writer, you are. All your technical stuff is good, and who doesn't wrestle with a comma, lol, and this is my honest view of this piece of writing.
Edited copy: Susie has finished all her packing and put some boxes and things in storage. As she moves some boxes into Robert's condo, he helps her and makes room for her in the closet and the dresser. "Susie, honey I want you to go and pick out a dresser for just you. I have room in the bedroom for it. I'm so glad you agreed to move in with me. I wish you would marry me."
"Now Robert, we've been through this. I told you, the last man I will ever marry is dead. Lance was the last man I married, and I'm not getting married again. He was my soul mate."
"All right, I understand," Robert grumbled.
"Robert, that doesn't mean I love you less, or that you have to compete with a ghost. It just means out of respect of what Lance and I had, I just don't believe I should get married again."
Robert walks (over-unnecessary) to Susie and kisses her. "I know it was hard for you to let him go. I know it took everything you had to trap (him-remove) and bury him again. I should (just-delete) be happy you agreed to live with me." Robert kisses her again and brings some more boxes in. He notices one of the boxes marked bedroom had some weird black ooze on it. He just set it outside the bedroom door.
"Robert, why did you set my box outside the bedroom door?" Susie wondered if the recent conversation had a destructive effect on him. She also noticed the weird black ooze on the box. The interesting thing is it is the only box with the black slime on it. Susie also realized it was the only box that had a box for storage setting on top of it.
Susie starts to become fearsome. She shakes her head and whispers to herself, "Lance is trapped in a mirror in a box that is in storage." Just to be safe Susie goes through the box, and with a sigh of relief whispers again, "No mirror." She knows if Lance escapes that mirror, and it isn't buried, and he kills anyone, it will be her fault.
Letting her fear go she finishes moving in with Robert. She is happy again after two years. She realizes it has been two years today, that she performed the spell that brought Lance back. "I haven't had my three-fold brought on to me, because of what I did," Susie says out loud.
"What sweets? What did you say?"
"Oh, nothing just thinking out loud." Susie wonders if Robert realizes the same thing. He did come from a background of magic.
"If you're almost finished putting your things away I made dinner."
"Great I'm starving."
Susie sits at the table, and Robert puts a plate of roast beef, potatoes, and carrots in front of her. "This looks so good," Susie cuts the meat and puts a piece in her mouth. "Hmm, this is good. Thank you."
"Would you like some wine? I think we should celebrate this occasion."
"Yes, we should." Susie's cell phone rings. "Hello, oh hey T. What's up? Are you serious, but how? No, I haven't, and I should be the one getting them. Okay, We will talk later." Susie's face has an expression of distress.
"Sweetie, what is it?" Robert can tell something isn't right.
"That was T, you know my friend Teresa Legan."
"Yeah, I've met her, so what's going on?
"She said while she was sleeping today she had a dream about Lance coming back to kill me. She also said it wasn't the first one she had. She is just worried about me."
"She had a nightmare. It is just her own fear, she was worried that Lance was going to go after her. She worried because she figured out you brought him back to kill those salesmen he worked with." Robert walks over to Susie and holds her to comfort her.
"Robert, I don't know, I did the spell. I will get the three-fold in return. I haven't received it, and I should've already had something, even if it was a nightmare about what I did,"
"Maybe Teresa's nightmares is your three-fold. She is the closest thing you have for family, and Lance killed those men. Those men had families. He even killed Tony Otto's wife."
"No Tony killed his own wife."
"Because Lance tricked him into killing her."
"Okay, enough, besides Donna is also the closest thing I have to family, and she hasn't had any nightmares or anything like that."
"She also didn't know you brought Lance back."
"And she never will, right!"
"You know I won't tell her."
"Good, thank you. Hey, let's clean up the kitchen and take the wine into the bedroom. This is my first night here, so what do you say?"
Robert cracked a little smile, "I say, yes let's."
They cleaned the kitchen and took the wine into the bedroom. "Robert you know I love you, and I don't want Lance to destroy what we have. If it weren't for him, I would have never met you."
"You have an interesting way of looking at things, but I would have to agree."
"Okay sugar let me get into something a little more comfortable for a night to remember."
"OOO. I think I am in trouble with you." Robert chuckled as Susie went into the bathroom. She was in there for a few minutes. She came out of the bathroom wearing a sexy black little thing of lingerie. Robert's heart started beating very fast as his excitement grew just looking at her.
"Well hello big boy, are you ready for me?" Susie starts walking towards the bed. Robert gets up and kisses her very passionately, and they fall on the bed. The made love twice that night, and Lance was forgotten and not talked about. They fell asleep in each other's arms and were blissfully unaware of their fate. A fate that Susie could have avoided if she had buried that mirror.
The following morning they arise with a smile on their faces. It's a happy smile. While having coffee and breakfast, Robert brings up a question that should not have been asked. "Susie do we need to talk more about Lance and Teresa's nightmares?"
"No, we ended that conversation last night. Now Lance is gone and you are probably right about her nightmares, Mr Detective."
"Okay, I will be at the precinct until seven tonight. Want to meet me at Pernellies for dinner?
"Sure, I'll meet you there at eight. Will give me time to dress and you time to get finished work."
"Great see you then." They kiss each other goodbye and go on with their day. No more conversation about Lance and what Susie did two years ago. Susie is the only one still letting it get in her mind.
Susie is still going round and round the three-fold inside her head, and how it hasn't happened to her. She knows it should, and one reason she never missed with magic or spells, until that day she brought her dead husband back for magical justice. Susie and Robert ended the conversation about Lance for now. Little did they know they would have to not only talk about him but will have to trap him again.
I look forward to all and any feedback. Thank you for taking the time to read.
The Characters so far:
Susie Morrell - Wife of Lance (Dead Lance) and love of Detective Robert Case
Detective Robert Case Susie's Boyfriend (Lover)
Donna Susie's longtime friend
T-Teresa Langel - Another longtime friend of Susie
Cheers, Angeline
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. thank you for pointing out some mistakes I appreciate that. I also appreciate the fact you recognized the American English different from the British English, which is the proper English. thank you for reading.
Comment from Shirley McLain
A nice chapter that I enjoyed reading but I do have a little concern and it's just my preference. You have a sentence at the end that projects what will be seen in the future. You might consider rewording those lines so the reader is not told what is going to happen. Make them turn the page and keep reading.
Little did they know they would have to not only talk about him, but they will have to do more to save themselves. (Last Line)
Internal thoughts should be italicized.
pick out a bureau of the dresser for just you. ( You don't need bureau and dresser. They are the same thing.) Hope this helps. Have a blessed night. Shirley
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019
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A nice chapter that I enjoyed reading but I do have a little concern and it's just my preference. You have a sentence at the end that projects what will be seen in the future. You might consider rewording those lines so the reader is not told what is going to happen. Make them turn the page and keep reading.
Little did they know they would have to not only talk about him, but they will have to do more to save themselves. (Last Line)
Internal thoughts should be italicized.
pick out a bureau of the dresser for just you. ( You don't need bureau and dresser. They are the same thing.) Hope this helps. Have a blessed night. Shirley
Comment Written 04-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019
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Than you for your review and rating. I fixed the two lines. The dresser and bureau thing. I changed the last line. Thank you for pointing those out to me. I appreciate it when things like that are fond by another author. Thanks for reading.
Comment from Randa Dayle
Lance is Loose! Oh no...why didn't she bury the mirror. I think she needs to marry Robert, and they both need to find Lance. If Lance is a killer, why not get married?
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019
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Lance is Loose! Oh no...why didn't she bury the mirror. I think she needs to marry Robert, and they both need to find Lance. If Lance is a killer, why not get married?
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I don't know if they will. Susie couldn't bury it, because it was Lance, and she couldn't let go of lance. I believe they will find Lance, but hopefully before he kills. Lance is an evil entity. Thank you for reading.
Comment from country ranch writer
Oh dear sound like the ole boy is oozing out of the box to get strong and get even with one and all. She should have buried him way back then when she could have. Now it's time to pay the piper.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
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Oh dear sound like the ole boy is oozing out of the box to get strong and get even with one and all. She should have buried him way back then when she could have. Now it's time to pay the piper.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. Yes she should have. Yes it is time to pay the piper, or maybe put the piper away again. LOL who knows. Thanks for reading.
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Let's hope she can get rid of him before some one gets hurt or killed
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there,
This is a very interesting way to re-introduce us to Susie's world and a possible clue as to how Lance will get back there - and kill?
Thank you for sharing this chapter and I look forward to the next.
~MP~
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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Hi there,
This is a very interesting way to re-introduce us to Susie's world and a possible clue as to how Lance will get back there - and kill?
Thank you for sharing this chapter and I look forward to the next.
~MP~
Comment Written 02-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I am glad you found it interesting. I am still working on somethings in my mind.Thank you for reading.
Comment from 24chas
This was a good read, SLMorrical. I like the way the action advanced and you introduced the box with the black ooze on it. You're really building the suspense in a good way. One small nit: Sure, I met you there at eight. (I'll meet)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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This was a good read, SLMorrical. I like the way the action advanced and you introduced the box with the black ooze on it. You're really building the suspense in a good way. One small nit: Sure, I met you there at eight. (I'll meet)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2019
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Thank you for your review and rating. I thought putting the black ooze on a box would somehow introduce that Lance is free and Susie should be worried. I will fix the error. Thank you for pointing it out. Thanks for reading.
