Role Model
The world is a stage32 total reviews
Comment from Debbie Pope
Wow! Wow! I am so impressed. I don't think that I have ever been so afraid reading a story on FanStory. You did it. You scared me to death. The whole story is an act. I wasn't positive that Mom was right about her daughter. I was sure enough to be scared for her though. I found myself reading so fast that I started covering up the next paragraph so that I would not find out the end too soon.
And speaking of the ending, that marshmallow thing was perfect.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
  |
Wow! Wow! I am so impressed. I don't think that I have ever been so afraid reading a story on FanStory. You did it. You scared me to death. The whole story is an act. I wasn't positive that Mom was right about her daughter. I was sure enough to be scared for her though. I found myself reading so fast that I started covering up the next paragraph so that I would not find out the end too soon.
And speaking of the ending, that marshmallow thing was perfect.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
I absolutely love this review. Thank you, Debbie! (Though I'm sorry I scared you to death...well, okay, I can't be truly sorry, since I did write it for that purpose. I just don't want to scare someone I like...)
Also, thank you for the sixth star!! Very much appreciated. xo
-
You are coming into your own with this horror genre. Truly scary. The mother-daughter characterization made it so much more intense.
-
Sometimes mother/daughter relationships are a horror genre just in and of themselves...
Comment from LisaMay
I am on to you, woman! Just wondering who the other bodies are? The mother had to kill the stockbroker; he was breaking her daughter's heart by leaving, and of course bad service needs to be punished by death (if only). Playing a role foreign to her true nature is to act normal.
You have written this macabre piece so skillfully it could go either way of course, but i think most folks will be led down your path of the daughter doing the initial murders... as you led me on the path to thinking it was the mother.
Great scene-setting and character descriptions. The daughter is a sweet softie ... scared about rats and mice, looking forward to being a mother, taking the proffered flashlight - unaware that 2 will look like headlights. And killing her off with the wolves! what bad press for those animals!!
By the way, I like Scrabble and marshmallows too!
1. There are 2 spacing gaps in para 3: "...far side of (here) a lake..."; and 7: "...ultimate game of (here) chess."
2. In para. 6, a letter missing: "acting a(s) if everything is fine"
3. In the para. beginning with: "At night?" I squawk. the word "further" is used. I get confused about this myself and usually use that word too, but it was pointed out to me recently that the best way to differentiate how to use "further" or "farther" is that "farther" (as in 'far') should be used for physically measured distance, while "further" is used in such context as "nothing could be further from the truth".
The thing closest to the truth here is that you have written a brilliant, chilling story of insanity. I fear for you and your family!!!! Best not buy that mountainside cabin. Oh really, you DO own one???
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
I am on to you, woman! Just wondering who the other bodies are? The mother had to kill the stockbroker; he was breaking her daughter's heart by leaving, and of course bad service needs to be punished by death (if only). Playing a role foreign to her true nature is to act normal.
You have written this macabre piece so skillfully it could go either way of course, but i think most folks will be led down your path of the daughter doing the initial murders... as you led me on the path to thinking it was the mother.
Great scene-setting and character descriptions. The daughter is a sweet softie ... scared about rats and mice, looking forward to being a mother, taking the proffered flashlight - unaware that 2 will look like headlights. And killing her off with the wolves! what bad press for those animals!!
By the way, I like Scrabble and marshmallows too!
1. There are 2 spacing gaps in para 3: "...far side of (here) a lake..."; and 7: "...ultimate game of (here) chess."
2. In para. 6, a letter missing: "acting a(s) if everything is fine"
3. In the para. beginning with: "At night?" I squawk. the word "further" is used. I get confused about this myself and usually use that word too, but it was pointed out to me recently that the best way to differentiate how to use "further" or "farther" is that "farther" (as in 'far') should be used for physically measured distance, while "further" is used in such context as "nothing could be further from the truth".
The thing closest to the truth here is that you have written a brilliant, chilling story of insanity. I fear for you and your family!!!! Best not buy that mountainside cabin. Oh really, you DO own one???
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
Sometimes you don't have to know someone long to know that they are a perfect match for your life. This is how I feel about you. You're encouraging like crazy, but you're also the person who will let me know when I have spinach between my front teeth.
Thank you for all you have bestowed with this delightful review. xo
-
You are wrong. It is parsley.
-
Why can't you live closer. Oh wait; I know the answer to that: we'd be in constant trouble together. Never mind.
-
Yes we would, wouldn't we. We'd spend far too much time giggling at each other's inanities, while gutsing marshmallows. This way we get to write and share our lives vicariously. Do come to NZ and visit!! I can't come to the States because I have a criminal conviction. The bodies are buried out the back of my shack (Shhh!).
-
Well, see, and that's similar to the reason I can't leave my basement. I'd miss all my dead friends that I've lined up on the couches down here! Oh well, we'll just have to make do.
-
So, not only a skilled writer and musician, a taxidermist also!! But I think I already knew that.
-
My parents both worked, so I acquired all kinds of skills in an effort to amuse myself when I was young...
-
Lucky you. I was sent out to work by my parents when I was 3.
-
Yes, I understand preschool prostitutes are all the rage there!
-
No, you have been misled. It's the sheep that get that sort of attention. I found much more interesting work... I was learning my letters and wondering what direction to point myself in for life, so I painted an N, an E, a W, and a S on my hands and feet and hired myself out as a weather vane. Unfortunately, the letters were in the wrong sequence (I was only 3 after all) and since then i haven't really known which way the wind is blowing.
Actually, Rachelle, I should be turning this blah blah into a flash fiction. You have inspired me to be silly.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
OMG! That was horrendous! I thought she was waiting for her mother to go out so she could kill her! I can understand her mother leaving the wolves to it. Much better that way than have her continue her killing spree. Very well done with this story, it was a thriller for sure. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
 |
OMG! That was horrendous! I thought she was waiting for her mother to go out so she could kill her! I can understand her mother leaving the wolves to it. Much better that way than have her continue her killing spree. Very well done with this story, it was a thriller for sure. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
Thanks, Sandra! I'm glad you understand this macabre tale!! xo
Comment from meeshu
first of all your writing style is so engaging, such a smooth read. and then Blamo!! wolves, teeth, gnawing, sinew and flesh!! and then---marshmallows. haha, so great, Rachelle..........................meeshu
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
first of all your writing style is so engaging, such a smooth read. and then Blamo!! wolves, teeth, gnawing, sinew and flesh!! and then---marshmallows. haha, so great, Rachelle..........................meeshu
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
I have no shame whatsoever, do I, Meeshu? And yet still you send me lovely reviews. I obviously lead a charmed life.
Thank you for another delightful round of encouragement here. xo
-
clearly, one of the most unique pieces I've read.
-
I appreciate from someone with your writing chops, Meeshu. Thanks again. xo
Comment from shaffer40
This is impeccable writing and a story that first shakes, saddens (for the mother's grief), then whammo! the charged finale. And the perfect title. I love this. You might have won the surprise story contest. Would make a good movie.
I love this phrase: "the detritus of her unthinkable acts" -- I have compiled a list
of words to study in order to increase my vocabulary, and "detritus" is one of
them.
Great images: surround-sound combine in an eery[eerie], unsettling
orchestration, magnified by the amphitheater they call home
A few little things:
Paragraph 6: acting "as" if -- "s" missing
Number of spaces around dashes inconsistent; "Body No. five --at best" "her
favorite meal ---" "a cucumber-and-tomato salad ---"
Rather than "I venture no further" -- "I venture no farther" -- Again, at the end of
the paragraph, "further out" -- "farther out" -- "farther" denotes
physical distance
When you say "I am chilled," I think you mean you are afraid, but it reads as
though you're cold. Maybe a different word?
Again, spaces before dashes: For whatever reason ---to admire her cache again,
perhaps, or maybe just to check that it remains undisturbed ---
living room -- two words
comma after "thirty minutes"
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
This is impeccable writing and a story that first shakes, saddens (for the mother's grief), then whammo! the charged finale. And the perfect title. I love this. You might have won the surprise story contest. Would make a good movie.
I love this phrase: "the detritus of her unthinkable acts" -- I have compiled a list
of words to study in order to increase my vocabulary, and "detritus" is one of
them.
Great images: surround-sound combine in an eery[eerie], unsettling
orchestration, magnified by the amphitheater they call home
A few little things:
Paragraph 6: acting "as" if -- "s" missing
Number of spaces around dashes inconsistent; "Body No. five --at best" "her
favorite meal ---" "a cucumber-and-tomato salad ---"
Rather than "I venture no further" -- "I venture no farther" -- Again, at the end of
the paragraph, "further out" -- "farther out" -- "farther" denotes
physical distance
When you say "I am chilled," I think you mean you are afraid, but it reads as
though you're cold. Maybe a different word?
Again, spaces before dashes: For whatever reason ---to admire her cache again,
perhaps, or maybe just to check that it remains undisturbed ---
living room -- two words
comma after "thirty minutes"
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
You spent so much time on this review, Shaffer. I can't thank you enough. You'd be the "true friend" who would tell me if I have spinach in my teeth. I totally appreciate all of these edits.
I appreciate your words of encouragement about the story, too. They made me feel great!
And finally, that extra star - even though I have so many things to edit. Now THAT's above and beyond the call of generous. Thank you times a million zillion. xo
-
It wasn't that difficult to edit, it was so well-written, just those little errors that all of us make and that someone else's eye picks up. But thanks for the thanks.
-
I took care of them now. Thanks again!
Comment from ioana.u
That was a very interesting piece of writing! I am curious if the ambiguity and mystery you had in mind matches the feedback you got from the readers. Because I found that in stories like this everyone sees things their own way. For instance, I see a daughter who may or may not have killed all those people, there is nothing definite about it. But the mother is definitely a cold psycho.
And the wolves... were they the natural way of settling things or just an unfortunate event that lead o a young woman's death and the revealing of her mother's true colours?
I liked your story, it gave me something to think about. Thank you for sharing!
Ioana
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
That was a very interesting piece of writing! I am curious if the ambiguity and mystery you had in mind matches the feedback you got from the readers. Because I found that in stories like this everyone sees things their own way. For instance, I see a daughter who may or may not have killed all those people, there is nothing definite about it. But the mother is definitely a cold psycho.
And the wolves... were they the natural way of settling things or just an unfortunate event that lead o a young woman's death and the revealing of her mother's true colours?
I liked your story, it gave me something to think about. Thank you for sharing!
Ioana
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
It's funny you mention this! Several people have seen the daughter as the unfortunate victim here and question who those other bodies in the culvert were!
Remember, the mom was the one who said she didn't believe in letting children win at games. And she was also the one who recalled that night when headlights attracted wolves. Maybe when you plant corn, you get corn!
Thanks for a terrific review. I appreciate it. xo
Comment from damommy
Omigosh! The tension built up to a screaming point. I was so sure Lila was going to kill her mother. I guess she thought letting the wolves have their way was better than other possible scenario. You did a great job portraying the mother's attempt to act normal. I was truly all tensed up waiting for what might happen.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
Omigosh! The tension built up to a screaming point. I was so sure Lila was going to kill her mother. I guess she thought letting the wolves have their way was better than other possible scenario. You did a great job portraying the mother's attempt to act normal. I was truly all tensed up waiting for what might happen.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
Sorry, damommy; maybe that was a cruel way for me to start your Sunday!! But I do appreciate the review! xo
-
It was a very good story!
Comment from HealingMuse
Hi Rachelle,
This is very well written and quite a hair-raising read. LOL
The ending was quite a surprise, with the bag of marshmallows signaling the end.
One offering here:
"four bodies on the far side of
a lake in a culvert she "
There appears to be a hard line break after "of," throwing off the alignment of your text--at least on my end.
Thanks for sharing.
Jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
Hi Rachelle,
This is very well written and quite a hair-raising read. LOL
The ending was quite a surprise, with the bag of marshmallows signaling the end.
One offering here:
"four bodies on the far side of
a lake in a culvert she "
There appears to be a hard line break after "of," throwing off the alignment of your text--at least on my end.
Thanks for sharing.
Jan
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
Thank you, Jan, for catching that! You're like the True Friend who tells you when there's spinach between your teeth. G-d bless you!!! xo
And thank you for the really nice review, as well. You totally 'got' the meaning of the marshmallows.
Comment from Debra White
Hey Rachelle :)
This really got me on the edge of my seat...
You sucked me in and then spat me out again! What a ride LOL
There's self preservation and then there's feeding your daughter to the wolves!
I love the ending - what a cold and detached woman...I wonder why Lila turned out the way she did?!
Thank you for capturing my attention.
Best wishes as always, Debra :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
Hey Rachelle :)
This really got me on the edge of my seat...
You sucked me in and then spat me out again! What a ride LOL
There's self preservation and then there's feeding your daughter to the wolves!
I love the ending - what a cold and detached woman...I wonder why Lila turned out the way she did?!
Thank you for capturing my attention.
Best wishes as always, Debra :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
Yes, I'm sure it's just coincidental...but just in case, I'm NEVER playing chess with that woman!
Thank you for the terrific review, Debra. xo
-
LOL! You're welcome...and I always look forward to reading you, each post is a surprise :)
-
I'm a modern day O. Henry. [who, incidentally, was my favorite author ever since I read The Gift of the Magi.]
-
Now you know what book I'm going to have to borrow the next time I visit the library...! (I never read it before - but if it comes recommended by your good self, I should probably read it!)
Comment from A. Willow Bends
Wow! This is eerily eerie to say the very least. I love it. Not usually within my choice of genre, but I could not stop reading. Have you started your book yet? Love the ending, heading to the kitchen for marshmallows! Great job with this one! Good luck! Whew! Chills down my back.
Wendy
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
|
Wow! This is eerily eerie to say the very least. I love it. Not usually within my choice of genre, but I could not stop reading. Have you started your book yet? Love the ending, heading to the kitchen for marshmallows! Great job with this one! Good luck! Whew! Chills down my back.
Wendy
Comment Written 03-Mar-2019
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2019
-
It might be early on a Sunday morning, Wendy, but NOW YOU ARE AWAKE!!
Thank you for this great review; it means even more since Horror/Thriller is not your genre of choice. I totally appreciate your enthusiasm! xo
-
YES, I am. Fantastical!
Wendy
