Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

This is a terrific first chapter! It gives lots of clues that make the reader wonder "What happened to Vincent?" And what a whirlwind of activity Meg goes through each morning from prayer, to visiting her mother with dementia, to going to work with all these flashbacks haunting!

 Comment Written 29-Jul-2022

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reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022

Thanks. I actually finished this book last year...but I ended up not liking it at all! And I was so disheartened!! I need to go back, like a knitter does with a mistake she's made in a sweater, and unravel until I get it back on track. I needed to take a break from it, though--clear my head, see if I could re-think the journey, etc. Maybe once the Fall hits, I'll be ready. Has this ever happened to you?

reply by lyenochka on 29-Jul-2022

I think you describe a journey that is common to writers. For my first book, (which I did more for my mom) I had three completely different versions. But when I started here, I posted chapter after chapter and just went with it. But I look back on it and see that my writing ability was different then so I keep learning with each book attempt! I think you should revisit the book. You might want to vary the pace because I felt that the pace was really fast throughout. I think maybe slow down in some of the flashbacks or time with the mom like in the movies when they go slow-mo? Just a feeling I got. But perhaps you wanted to convey that sense of hurriedness.

reply by the author on 29-Jul-2022

Yes, I completely agree with that assessment, actually, and appreciate the feedback always.

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi there,

This is a very nice opener which poses a lot of questions for the reader, which is always good at the beginning. lol

Few things I noted on reading through-

As she looks into the bathroom mirror, Meg Tartaglia can see the glow of red numbers from the clock in the master bedroom. 6:39 a.m. - maybe rework this. The numbers would be reflected backwards when she sees them.

She smiles at his deep, rhythmic breathing pattern that nothing but this alarm interrupts. - you could omit pattern from here.

as she reads the words, Jury Duty Summons, with its due date for the following Monday. - it may be different where you are but is there not normally a longer time for this? If so, you could maybe mention she hadn't collected the post in a while.

She takes out her compact to wipe her eyes, - this seems a bit odd.

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2019

Thanks for the input, gmg.

Comment from ExperiencingLiphe

Excellent

I can't imagine losing a kid. Sounds like he got into some bad things. I hope Meg's mother is able to find peace with what she has, or at least, Meg to find peace for everything. I had tears in my eyes. Crazy how certain things can trigger stuff in us.

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019

It is. The written word is very powerful.

This was an exceptional review. Thank you. xo

Comment from Dolly'sPoems

Excellent

You have made a good start to your story here Rachelle and I congratulate you on your well deserved win, this sounds like an interesting story and all your characters are playing their part and it is very emotional too, love Dolly x

 Comment Written 11-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2019

I'll have completed writing it by the end of this summer, have it edited immediately thereafter, and then will present it one chapter at a time on FS.

Thank you for all your positive reinforcement. Coming from a writer and reviewer with your experience, it means the world. xo

Comment from Robert Zimmerman

Excellent

Hi Rachelle: No electric power for a couple of days so I am now catching up on my reading. I could live on Debussy Arabesque #1 alone. Your descriptions of the MC surroundings are meticulous. I was touched by the regret of a mother for her son knowing there was never anything that could have made it better. Regret is the worst of human emotions. I hope I read the story right. -Robert-

 Comment Written 10-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019

Arabesque #1 and #2 are my favorites, too. Love your taste.

Thanks for the understanding review. Regret is a horrible human emotion. I appreciate your feedback very much. xo

reply by Robert Zimmerman on 10-Jun-2019

I have told many that I believe Arabesque #1 is the most beautiful song ever written. Listen to the version by Isao Tomita. It is a synthesizer.

Comment from Ulla

Excellent

Hi Rachelle, this is a great first chapter to your story, It goes into enough detail so we understand what is going on and it wets our appetite wanting to know more. All the best. Ulla:)))

 Comment Written 10-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019

This is a review I love, Ulla, especially coming from a writer as accomplished as you. Thank you times a million zillion. xo

Comment from Mistydawn

Excellent

This is a good start to a promising story. It's well-written, very interesting, you brought your character to life, made the reader relate. Nice job, good luck with your contest.

 Comment Written 10-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019

Thank you for this warm and enthusiastic review, Mistydawn. I appreciate it very much. xo

Comment from Debra White

Excellent

Oooooh-kay, Rachelle...
Now I want to read on!
I know this is a contest entry for 'First Chapter' but...please tell me you have the rest of this story mapped out and it goes somewhere that you're gonna take us all!
An enjoyable and gripping entry.
Good luck in the contest (and get writing the rest!)
Best wishes as always, Debra :) x

 Comment Written 10-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019

See why I love reading your reviews??!
Yes, I do have ten chapters written and have End of Summer as my goal to complete it. Then, it's off to Michele Harber, a FS member, who'll do the editing for it. (btw, if you ever need anything edited, she is the go-to person! Or Rama Devi, also a FS friend/editor I've used. Both are outstanding.)

Thanks for your well-wishes in the contest. I appreciate it very much. xo

reply by Debra White on 10-Jun-2019

Yay! I'm so happy to hear this :)
Thank you for the heads up re editing too... I follow both Michele and Rama. Rama is such a great reviewer. She always gives constructive feedback and is so gracious. Good to know!
Sending love :) x

reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019

I agree! I love Rama's graciousness and laid-back style. And she's so good with the turn of phrase. I can work and work and work on a sentence and still not get it to flow. I ask Rama, and within a minute, she sends me back a version that's perfect. Editing takes a lot of talent.

Comment from Dorothy Day

Exceptional

Lovely and appealing first chapter. I greatly enjoyed the detailing of circumstances that prompt Caroline to think of Vincent. The jury summons hooks us into wondering where your story is going. Caroline's mother with her faded memory serves as a perfect confidante. Great beginning.

 Comment Written 10-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 10-Jun-2019

I so appreciate how specific this review is, Dorothy. It helps immensely to know what 'connects' with a reader so I can continue along that path.

I also appreciate how warm and encouraging your words are. Thanks for this terrific review. xo

Comment from forestport12

Excellent

I'm not the smartest writer in the shed, but I know that most of the time third person present tense writing mostly comes off better in a play as a structure. I think this has a good setup. Strong characters. you might want to try 3rd person/past tense and it would really jump out.

 Comment Written 09-Jun-2019

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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2019

Thank you, Forestport12.