Mr. Windows
Linda can not stop playing a game on her lap top.37 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
I like the fact the laptop is called Mr. Windows. It's quirky detail like that which can bring a piece of prose to life :)
I also like the way you culminate this piece, killing the laptop rather than Linda :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Leave me alone with my lap top -- Spag? laptop not lap top?
You know it's been raining- or do you- with your nose in that thing. -- Spag? A question should be punctuated with a question mark: or do you? It's perfectly okay to have a question mark mid-sentence where appropriate.
You do love me. -- Spag? I read this as a question, in which case you'll need a question mark. If it's not a question, that's fine.
Good luck with the competition :)
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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I like the fact the laptop is called Mr. Windows. It's quirky detail like that which can bring a piece of prose to life :)
I also like the way you culminate this piece, killing the laptop rather than Linda :)
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Leave me alone with my lap top -- Spag? laptop not lap top?
You know it's been raining- or do you- with your nose in that thing. -- Spag? A question should be punctuated with a question mark: or do you? It's perfectly okay to have a question mark mid-sentence where appropriate.
You do love me. -- Spag? I read this as a question, in which case you'll need a question mark. If it's not a question, that's fine.
Good luck with the competition :)
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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Thanks for the input. Did edit laptop.
Comment from JanPerry
This is a humorous piece as well. "Mr Windows" has stolen your heart with his online games. Well said. I'd say Linda is living with a dangerous guy and his gun. As long as it's fiction.
A short piece but worth the read.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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This is a humorous piece as well. "Mr Windows" has stolen your heart with his online games. Well said. I'd say Linda is living with a dangerous guy and his gun. As long as it's fiction.
A short piece but worth the read.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2019
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thank You.
Comment from JudyE
This doesn't sound such a bad idea! Thanks for an entertaining read.
I've made a few suggestions but ignore them if you don't agree.
Please shut-up Bruce. - delete hyphen
Yeah I do. She's called empty pillow. - comma after 'Yeah'
Oh, just go to bed. Leave me alone with my lap top. - laptop should be one word
If you put your mutt outdoors you'd lose him in the lawn. - comma after 'outdoors'
Yeah. I lost you to a guy named, Mr. Windows. - delete comma
Go belly ache someplace else. hyphenate 'belly-ache'
Did you say us? You and that lap top is an us? - I might have put single quote marks round 'us'.
Oh this? It's called a gun, a pistol and back in the 1950's, a rod. - commas after 'Oh' and 'pistol'
You see when I shoot this gun the neighbors won't be disturbed - comma after 'gun'
Thanks for a fun read. I'm happy to give it five stars after a bit of editing.
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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This doesn't sound such a bad idea! Thanks for an entertaining read.
I've made a few suggestions but ignore them if you don't agree.
Please shut-up Bruce. - delete hyphen
Yeah I do. She's called empty pillow. - comma after 'Yeah'
Oh, just go to bed. Leave me alone with my lap top. - laptop should be one word
If you put your mutt outdoors you'd lose him in the lawn. - comma after 'outdoors'
Yeah. I lost you to a guy named, Mr. Windows. - delete comma
Go belly ache someplace else. hyphenate 'belly-ache'
Did you say us? You and that lap top is an us? - I might have put single quote marks round 'us'.
Oh this? It's called a gun, a pistol and back in the 1950's, a rod. - commas after 'Oh' and 'pistol'
You see when I shoot this gun the neighbors won't be disturbed - comma after 'gun'
Thanks for a fun read. I'm happy to give it five stars after a bit of editing.
Judy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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Thanks!
Comment from Brenda Henderson
Strangely hilarious! I Love it twisted and funny. I'm certain your readers will appreciate this piece. I didn't see the ending coming at all. Good believable dialogue. It will be interesting to see how you continue to develop this. Solid effort. Keep writing!
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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Strangely hilarious! I Love it twisted and funny. I'm certain your readers will appreciate this piece. I didn't see the ending coming at all. Good believable dialogue. It will be interesting to see how you continue to develop this. Solid effort. Keep writing!
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2019
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Thank you!
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You're very welcome!
Comment from Winslow
Dear Gunner,
A very fun read. Well done. Since it is all dialogue I suppose you don't need quotation marks. It made me think of the Bickersons. Great snappy dialogue and I really thought the ending great. I wonder if Bruce will really get his bacon and eggs in the morning?
Cheers,
Winslow
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Dear Gunner,
A very fun read. Well done. Since it is all dialogue I suppose you don't need quotation marks. It made me think of the Bickersons. Great snappy dialogue and I really thought the ending great. I wonder if Bruce will really get his bacon and eggs in the morning?
Cheers,
Winslow
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Eggs over easy, bacon and orange juice!
Thank You!!
Comment from James W. Reynolds
This is an entertaining read with a bit of suspense. When the gun came out, I was a little worried for Linda - though (as it turns out) I should have been worried for the computer. That was an effective twist.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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This is an entertaining read with a bit of suspense. When the gun came out, I was a little worried for Linda - though (as it turns out) I should have been worried for the computer. That was an effective twist.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
Comment from Sanku
This was really fun .I hope you win .This story is very relevant in these days. Your dialogues well planned and there was no problem to follow the situation.
All the best .
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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This was really fun .I hope you win .This story is very relevant in these days. Your dialogues well planned and there was no problem to follow the situation.
All the best .
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
Comment from Lobber
Hi there,
Unfortunately it's a dialogue if not said is actually "thought of" as said. Addictions come in many forms, shapes and sizes. Guns are overkill...try a water-bath.- Lobber
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Hi there,
Unfortunately it's a dialogue if not said is actually "thought of" as said. Addictions come in many forms, shapes and sizes. Guns are overkill...try a water-bath.- Lobber
Comment Written 07-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Something tells me she is not as pleased as she pretends to be, and once she gets a chance, it will be payback time. What does HE value? Not a computer, but perhaps his car? Or his hair? Hehe. He'd look weird totally bald. :)
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Something tells me she is not as pleased as she pretends to be, and once she gets a chance, it will be payback time. What does HE value? Not a computer, but perhaps his car? Or his hair? Hehe. He'd look weird totally bald. :)
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
Comment from Rikki66
Food for Bruce killing Mr. Windows. I have a wife like Bruce but her addiction is picture puzzles. I haven't gone as far as Bruce but have been tempted. Well written dialogue good luck in the contest.
Rikki:)
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Food for Bruce killing Mr. Windows. I have a wife like Bruce but her addiction is picture puzzles. I haven't gone as far as Bruce but have been tempted. Well written dialogue good luck in the contest.
Rikki:)
Comment Written 06-Jul-2019
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2019
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Thank You!
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You're Welcome.
Rikki:)
