I found my rare needle (revised)
Soulmates really do exist; be persistent18 total reviews
Comment from Patty Palmer
An interesting way to search for a soulmate. The humor showed a lighter side of the journey. I'm glad that in the end, he did find his soulmate and in fact, they are 10 years down and still together! Congratulations!
Patty
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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An interesting way to search for a soulmate. The humor showed a lighter side of the journey. I'm glad that in the end, he did find his soulmate and in fact, they are 10 years down and still together! Congratulations!
Patty
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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Thank you for your review, much appreciated.
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You're welcome!
Comment from Sallyo
my Grandparents.
my grandparents
my Uncle and Auntie
my uncle and auntie
My Mother
My mother
When using MY or THE in front of these relationship names, they don't have capitals.
This is interesting, and kept my attention throughout. There are a couple of plot points though; the first few paragraphs imply the narrator is unmarried, and the manager of the gym is never mentioned until we learn she married him. Just a single exchange between them when she started at the gym would have played fair.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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my Grandparents.
my grandparents
my Uncle and Auntie
my uncle and auntie
My Mother
My mother
When using MY or THE in front of these relationship names, they don't have capitals.
This is interesting, and kept my attention throughout. There are a couple of plot points though; the first few paragraphs imply the narrator is unmarried, and the manager of the gym is never mentioned until we learn she married him. Just a single exchange between them when she started at the gym would have played fair.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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Thank you so much for the short grammar lesson (unfortunately I forget more than I retain), but especially for the pointer that I should look again hard at the plot. I did, and it looked like a tense problem to me - a major one oops! so I have totally revised the second half for that. Now I think it works, but i'll check again before the deadline.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
This is a humorous offering for the contest... there are a number of comma and capitalization errors throughout... I started below but did not finish, but, perhaps, these will give you a 'heads up' on what to look for throughout the remainder.... thank you for sharing and good luck.
me, but shudders --> me, but he shudders
based on sex. Not romance you understand, he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, but sensuality and intimacy. --> based on sex - not romance you understand as he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body - but on sensuality and intimacy.
nonsense, and perhaps even supplied details, depending on my mood, I will --> nonsense and, perhaps, even supplied details depending on my mood, I will
then onwards they will --> then onward, they will
know only one --> know of only one
never died; my Grandparents. --> never died: my grandparents.
content, and true soulmates --> content and true soulmates
children, and all their grandchildren and partners, but above all delighted to be together on this momentous --> children and all their grandchildren and their partners but, above all, delighted to be together on such a momentous
my Grandparents both declare that when they look at each other they --> my grandparents both declare that, when they look at each other, they
my Uncle and Auntie --> my uncle and auntie
divorced, and swears --> divorced and swears
Uncle's marriage --> uncle's marriage
paternal Grandparents --> paternal grandparents
life, or divorce --> life, or divorce
standard. Then she --> standard then she
clubbing, and too young --> clubbing and too young
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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This is a humorous offering for the contest... there are a number of comma and capitalization errors throughout... I started below but did not finish, but, perhaps, these will give you a 'heads up' on what to look for throughout the remainder.... thank you for sharing and good luck.
me, but shudders --> me, but he shudders
based on sex. Not romance you understand, he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, but sensuality and intimacy. --> based on sex - not romance you understand as he doesn't have a romantic bone in his body - but on sensuality and intimacy.
nonsense, and perhaps even supplied details, depending on my mood, I will --> nonsense and, perhaps, even supplied details depending on my mood, I will
then onwards they will --> then onward, they will
know only one --> know of only one
never died; my Grandparents. --> never died: my grandparents.
content, and true soulmates --> content and true soulmates
children, and all their grandchildren and partners, but above all delighted to be together on this momentous --> children and all their grandchildren and their partners but, above all, delighted to be together on such a momentous
my Grandparents both declare that when they look at each other they --> my grandparents both declare that, when they look at each other, they
my Uncle and Auntie --> my uncle and auntie
divorced, and swears --> divorced and swears
Uncle's marriage --> uncle's marriage
paternal Grandparents --> paternal grandparents
life, or divorce --> life, or divorce
standard. Then she --> standard then she
clubbing, and too young --> clubbing and too young
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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Thank you for taking the time to offer me some pointers for the SPAGs. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever catch them all on my own, and I fear not. I am sorry you only found it worthy of four stars. What work do you think it needs besides the grammar?
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This fiction that does not actually sound like fiction reminded me of something singles heard at a Mormon fireside a few years ago: "Men (Brothers), if you want to meet girls, go to church! And ladies (Sisters), if you want to meet men, go to the gym!" That's how that goes. I like how this does not have a happy ending right away. I think with the line: "settled down, yet?"
You were probably aiming to capitalize the 's' on "Settled" right? Also, I don't think you need to capitalize "Manager" in the last sentence, which I think needs a question mark. With the sentence: Children are starting to appear and they are growing satisfactorily.
You need to put a comma after 'appear' because there are two independent sentences there. Nice job!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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This fiction that does not actually sound like fiction reminded me of something singles heard at a Mormon fireside a few years ago: "Men (Brothers), if you want to meet girls, go to church! And ladies (Sisters), if you want to meet men, go to the gym!" That's how that goes. I like how this does not have a happy ending right away. I think with the line: "settled down, yet?"
You were probably aiming to capitalize the 's' on "Settled" right? Also, I don't think you need to capitalize "Manager" in the last sentence, which I think needs a question mark. With the sentence: Children are starting to appear and they are growing satisfactorily.
You need to put a comma after 'appear' because there are two independent sentences there. Nice job!
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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Thank you for your positive comments, and also for picking up the SPAGs - much appreciated.
Comment from brenda faye curtis
This story kept me in stiches most of the way through, as I've often had the desire t tell nosy, intrusive people were to get off at when they ask too many personal questions. You've successfully blended humor, character development, and great detail to tell an effective story. Good one!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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This story kept me in stiches most of the way through, as I've often had the desire t tell nosy, intrusive people were to get off at when they ask too many personal questions. You've successfully blended humor, character development, and great detail to tell an effective story. Good one!
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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I am thrilled by your review. Thank you so much for liking this piece so much, sharing that info, and rating it with the top grade. This latter point is a real honour.
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You earned it!
Comment from Cindy Warren
I'm glad that first fellow was only imaginary. Can you imagine living with that? I still haven't met my soulmate. Yep, it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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I'm glad that first fellow was only imaginary. Can you imagine living with that? I still haven't met my soulmate. Yep, it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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No, it would be horrible. But he was fun to invent. Thanks for reading this.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I enjoyed you fun Soulmate contest entry.
Well written, with a touch of humor. Always the best.
Nicely done and good luck to you with the contest. You should do well, I think.
Sharon
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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I enjoyed you fun Soulmate contest entry.
Well written, with a touch of humor. Always the best.
Nicely done and good luck to you with the contest. You should do well, I think.
Sharon
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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Thank you for your generous comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Darlene Franklin
Overlooking the obvious--the story of many a soulmate, I think. I'm happy you (or your character) found him. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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Overlooking the obvious--the story of many a soulmate, I think. I'm happy you (or your character) found him. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2019
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2019
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Thank you for reading this and for your good wishes.
