A Sight to Behold
Author's Choice for Potlatch Poetry17 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
I see how the form can accentuate your message by repeating the main thrust of your depiction in future stanzas. It is an attractive form and gets your point across.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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I see how the form can accentuate your message by repeating the main thrust of your depiction in future stanzas. It is an attractive form and gets your point across.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020
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Thank you. And thank you for reviewing.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
What a pretty picture you tell us with your Cascade poem Yvonne. I love this form and you've used it well with your fairies dancing, the fireflies lighting the way. Loved this fairy frolic,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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What a pretty picture you tell us with your Cascade poem Yvonne. I love this form and you've used it well with your fairies dancing, the fireflies lighting the way. Loved this fairy frolic,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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I'm glad you enjoyed the fairies. I always think of them when I see fireflies. We call them lightning bugs down here. 8-)
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Had not ever heard of this form before, but I think your lines tell a lovely tale of imagery and fantasy that goes well with the art choice. I like the image in this line: a hundred fireflies lit their way.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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Had not ever heard of this form before, but I think your lines tell a lovely tale of imagery and fantasy that goes well with the art choice. I like the image in this line: a hundred fireflies lit their way.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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Thank you. I appreciate your lovely comments.
Comment from BeasPeas
Such a nice poem, Yvonne. I like the theme and the beautiful poem. Choice of color and illustration add to the enjoyment of the fantasy-like feel to the piece. The lines of your Cascade flows along well. Marilyn
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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Such a nice poem, Yvonne. I like the theme and the beautiful poem. Choice of color and illustration add to the enjoyment of the fantasy-like feel to the piece. The lines of your Cascade flows along well. Marilyn
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2020
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Thank you for this wonderful review! Your comments mean a lot to me. I'm so happy you like it.
Comment from Lu Saluna
This is a very good Cascading poem. I really have enjoyed it. The subject and the cascade.
However, could I make a suggestion for sake of consistency:
Stanza two: Uppercase "B", Lowercase "t", Add "." instead of comma
(B)ut right there before they were -
(t)he fairies danced along the wall(.)
Stanza three: Use hyphen instead of comma
They came from out of shadowed wood (-)
a hundred fireflies lit their way.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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This is a very good Cascading poem. I really have enjoyed it. The subject and the cascade.
However, could I make a suggestion for sake of consistency:
Stanza two: Uppercase "B", Lowercase "t", Add "." instead of comma
(B)ut right there before they were -
(t)he fairies danced along the wall(.)
Stanza three: Use hyphen instead of comma
They came from out of shadowed wood (-)
a hundred fireflies lit their way.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2020
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Thank you. I'll take a look.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written cascade poem about a fantasy of fairies who dancing at the garden wall, the fireflies light up the way, it seems like a dream when the elf starts playing a melodious tune.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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A very well-written cascade poem about a fantasy of fairies who dancing at the garden wall, the fireflies light up the way, it seems like a dream when the elf starts playing a melodious tune.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is a very interesting attempt at something extremely clever. To get it to work perfectly I believe would require the metre to be the same all the way through so that when a line is repeated in a different position in the stanza it works each time.
Line 1 is a catalectic dactylic tetrameter Line three is a headless anapaestic trimeter. So when line 1 reappears later as a line 3 it makes the rhythm overall feel uneven.
Line two needs to follow the metre established in line on so it needs a more naturally stressed first word and one more syllable overall. My suggestion would be to double the number of fireflies and use the alternative past form 'lighted' to gain the extra syllable. I am assuming 'fire' as two syllables anyway.
As it is I feel I can't do better than 4 but doctored it could definitely be a five.
Should you wish to discuss this at all, I am available of TS3 except between 9.00 am and 10.00 am when I will be dogwalking.
This is much better. A longer analysis in 'replies'.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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This is a very interesting attempt at something extremely clever. To get it to work perfectly I believe would require the metre to be the same all the way through so that when a line is repeated in a different position in the stanza it works each time.
Line 1 is a catalectic dactylic tetrameter Line three is a headless anapaestic trimeter. So when line 1 reappears later as a line 3 it makes the rhythm overall feel uneven.
Line two needs to follow the metre established in line on so it needs a more naturally stressed first word and one more syllable overall. My suggestion would be to double the number of fireflies and use the alternative past form 'lighted' to gain the extra syllable. I am assuming 'fire' as two syllables anyway.
As it is I feel I can't do better than 4 but doctored it could definitely be a five.
Should you wish to discuss this at all, I am available of TS3 except between 9.00 am and 10.00 am when I will be dogwalking.
This is much better. A longer analysis in 'replies'.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Thanks for the advice. I'll take another look.
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I hope it's better now.
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I will look again later to day. This deserves more than a cursory glance.
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This has now resolved itself towards a unity of metre - iambic tetrameter with the exception of line three and therefore line 12 as well since it is a repeat. Although those lies have the correct syllable count the metrical stress placed on them does not feel comfortable. Stressed syllables in capitals:
an ELF played MELoDIous TUNES.
The natural stress would be:
an ELF PLAYED melOdiUS TUNES.
Since we don't have to worry about rhyme we can alter the word order without too much trouble and end up saying the same thing in a slightly different way.
an ELF melOdiOUSly PLAYED.
This solves both natural and metrical stress requirements.
In the meantime though I am going to upgrade your corrected version to 5 stars in the hope that you can sort that line out.
Mixed metre is fine but when faced with repeated lines in different positions it can play merry hell with the whole thing.
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I read that line as 'an ELF played meLODious TUNES.
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So did I first time round but when you changed everything you lost me. That is why I wanted to talk. Any cance of that tomorrow?
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I'll try.
Comment from June Sargent
A great piece fir the challenge! I love the topic - full of enchantment. And the cascade is one of my favorite formats. Thanks for sharing your elfin dream...
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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A great piece fir the challenge! I love the topic - full of enchantment. And the cascade is one of my favorite formats. Thanks for sharing your elfin dream...
Comment Written 01-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2020
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Thank you. it was something I had to try.
Comment from judiverse
This form gives the effect of breathlessness brought on by the beautiful sight of fairies dancing along the garden wall. That sight would be breath-taking. Wonderful details with the pixie and sprite. The gang's all here, with fireflies providing light. Very imaginative. judi
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2020
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This form gives the effect of breathlessness brought on by the beautiful sight of fairies dancing along the garden wall. That sight would be breath-taking. Wonderful details with the pixie and sprite. The gang's all here, with fireflies providing light. Very imaginative. judi
Comment Written 01-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2020
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I always thing of fairies when I see fireflies (lightning bugs). I hope this isn't a duplicate response. My computer blipped out for a second, and I wasn't sure I answered you. 8-)
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No, this is the one and only. I've been having trouble recently where it says it can't reach this site. You're very welcome, and very enjoyable reading. judi
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I've had that trouble, too.
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It's been that way for three days. I haven't experienced the problem with any other site. judi
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
What a fun poem, done well, Yvonne. I enjoyed reading it. Your use of the cascade worked well, too. The repeating lines fit in naturally. I like how one introduces the pixie and sprite (with the fireflies lighting the way. Your lines flow smoothly. I like the way the storyline progresses. I could 'see' everything as it unfolded. Your picture is a perfect pairing with your well-chosen words. What a delightful, fun poem. Thanks for sharing. Respectfully with Love and Admiration, Jan
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2020
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What a fun poem, done well, Yvonne. I enjoyed reading it. Your use of the cascade worked well, too. The repeating lines fit in naturally. I like how one introduces the pixie and sprite (with the fireflies lighting the way. Your lines flow smoothly. I like the way the storyline progresses. I could 'see' everything as it unfolded. Your picture is a perfect pairing with your well-chosen words. What a delightful, fun poem. Thanks for sharing. Respectfully with Love and Admiration, Jan
Comment Written 01-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2020
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Thank you so much for this wonderful review. I always thing of fairies when I see fireflies (lightning bugs). I hope this isn't a duplicate response. My computer blipped out for a second, and I wasn't sure I answered you. 8-)
