Comment from dragonpoet

Excellent

Congrats on placing second in the haiku contest with this wonerfully penned poem about freedom and the feelings it gives you. These are beautiful horse in the artwork.
Keep writing
Joan

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2020

Thanks, Joan. Glad you enjoyed my haiku.

Steve

reply by dragonpoet on 10-Mar-2020

Steve,
You're welcome. I did at that.
joan

Comment from Joan E.

Excellent

Congratulations on having your 5-7-3 haiku so well received in the contest. Even without the parallel picture, I could visualize the scene and your reaction. Cheers- Joan

 Comment Written 08-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020

Thanks, Joan.

This was mu fourth second place prize in a row. My frustrations are expressed in a post I have revived from 2013 when I had a similar run. It's called Bridesmaid's Lament.

Steve

reply by Joan E. on 08-Mar-2020

Well, it's better to be a bridesmaid than not to be in the procession at all! You are overdue for top billing. More cheers- Joan

Comment from rspoet

Excellent

Hello Steve,
You've written an excellent haiku for the contest
with wonderful concrete imagery and very good grammatical connection.
I suspect you want the 5-7-5 form, but I think you'd have a stronger
satori line with: my heart leaps.
The "with them'' is unnecessary.
Just a thought
Well done
Best wishes to you
Robert

 Comment Written 04-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Robert. I've had several useful suggestions for this and yours
about shortening the satori line is one of them. However, I'm going to leave it as is for now. I'm not getting any further reviews so the only ones likely to be looking at it are the judges and I suspect they are traditional enough to like the 5-7-5 format, despite what the contest rules say...

Steve

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

This is nicely composed. Your haiku reflects the delight most people feel when they view horses. We seem to hope to capture their freedom for ourselves. Good luck in the contest. Marilyn

 Comment Written 03-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Marilyn - glad you enjoyed this.

Steve

Comment from juliaSjames

Excellent

Hi Steve

You've conjured sound, movement and imagery in this haiku. The satori line captures the emotional response while continuing the vision of the horses at play.

I fancied I could hear the thud of hooves as I read.

Two small suggestions.

Perhaps a seasonal adjective to reinforce "pasture" and eradicate "the". ?

Perhaps drop "with them" in the satori line which gives you scope for another action verb, or just keep "leaps".

The artwork is fine, but the poem is sensational.

Best of luck!

Blessings Julia

 Comment Written 03-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Sensational review, thanks. I've been too busy to go back to the piece, but I shall certainly revisit it with your suggestions in mind. As is often the case with me I produced this at the last minute and didn't even stop to think about kigo etc.

Steve

Comment from w.j.debi

Excellent

Horses always get my attention and this is a beautiful verse that captures their spirit. They seem so free and happy when they are galloping across a field, especially if they kick up their heels a few times when they are chasing around.

 Comment Written 03-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, horses can certainly be inspirational.

Steve

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

This paints a poetic scene portrait, my friend. And that satori line makes the reader's heart leap too! It's a fine haiku, but has room for improvement in terms of word economy. It's always optimal to avoid filler words, if possible.
Also, the passive voicing of ARE GALLOPING weakens this a bit.

Here are some ideas to exemplifies ways to remedy these issues:

in distant pasture

two horses gallop gaily



OR

two horses gallop free-style



Any two syllable descriptive would work in that line.

I'd love to see you win the contest. Do let me know if you decide to revise.

Warmly,
rd

 Comment Written 03-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Rama, for the great review. I must admit this was produced in a rush with the deadline looming and with little attention to haiku finesse. I've actually had several useful reviews suggesting improvements, but I've been too busy to get back to the poem beyond getting rid of 'galloping.' Maybe tomorrow I can work out some of the kinks.

Thanks again.

Steve

reply by rama devi on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Steve. Glad you had some useful reviews. I've been absent a lot from FS lately. Hope to find some time this month to spend here. Let me know if you have a poem I missed you'd really want my eye on.

Warmly,
rd

Comment from RodG

Excellent

It is easy to visualize this scene of horses galloping in the pasture. I like how your Speaker relates to them, envying their freedom. Good use of enjambment in lines 1 and 2. Rod

 Comment Written 03-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Rod. I appreciate the thoughtful response.

Steve

Comment from rosehill (Wendy)

Excellent

Black Beauty and Ginger immediately came to mind and my heart leaped in remembrance of my younger days, both of reading choices and riding with the same wind. You have captured the freedom of the horses, the joy of running in the wind, and a yearning to be free of everyday burdens. I liked this. - Wendy

 Comment Written 03-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Wendy. It has been many years since I was astride a horse, but I well remember racing across the paddocks with my brother on our farm horses. About the same length of time since I read Black Beauty!

Glad you enjoyed this

Steve

Comment from Pam (respa)

Excellent

-Nice image and
presentation, Steve.
-I don't think I have
seen many haiku from you.
-The nature and seasonal
imagery are good.
-You create a vivid word
picture of this scene.
-A very good satori line, too.
-Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 03-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Pam.

You'll be pleased to know I changed that line. I've had several suggestions to improve this even more, But haven't had time to execute them yet...

Steve

reply by Pam (respa) on 05-Mar-2020

You are very welcome, Steve, and you did a good job. I revised your review for you, too.

reply by the author on 05-Mar-2020

Thanks, Pam!

reply by Pam (respa) on 05-Mar-2020

You are very welcome, Steve! How about the primaries?!

reply by the author on 06-Mar-2020

I'm as gobsmacked as anyone with Biden's return from the dead! I thought he was gone for all money. Clyburn's endorsement made all the difference.

I'd be happy to see him as a decent, moderate President. Will be interesting to see who he picks as a VP if he's the nominee. Amy Klobuchar is possibly lining up, but he may prefer to choose an African American...

reply by Pam (respa) on 06-Mar-2020

It was a great thing to see! There is hope, Steve! Maybe Obama could come back:)