Reach Out
Stay safe but...8 total reviews
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
What a great poem. Homeless people are definitely the ones who experience these conditions. My novels are about homeless people so they have always been on my mind.
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2020
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What a great poem. Homeless people are definitely the ones who experience these conditions. My novels are about homeless people so they have always been on my mind.
Comment Written 15-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2020
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Thank you for reading my poem?and for your kind words. :)
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
You've knocked it out of the park with this one. It truly is what it's all about. When I see them on the road I try not to look at them with a critical eye because I understand literally their plight. I try to extend kindness and give something to them. Thanks for sharing this inspirational and well written work. Great job, keep writing, and well done!
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2020
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You've knocked it out of the park with this one. It truly is what it's all about. When I see them on the road I try not to look at them with a critical eye because I understand literally their plight. I try to extend kindness and give something to them. Thanks for sharing this inspirational and well written work. Great job, keep writing, and well done!
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your kind words and for taking time to read my poem. :)
Comment from Selyob
I really like this poem, and wanted to give it 6 stars.
It falls down on rhythm and word choice.
"Sheltered, scared behind our door."
Sheltered conflicts with scared because it implies there is nothing to be scared of. One who is sheltered has nothing to fear. Additionally, it conflicts with the entirety of that stanza's mood. If however, you had gone with "cowering" for example, it would have perfected the stanza.
The rhythm:
Rhythm is not simply about syllable count, but how the words flow across the tongue.
"are spread out on the ground." - "upon" would have been perfect as this line was short by one syllable.
"hurry quick, avert their eyes." - "hurry quick, averting eyes." is a better word choice for several reasons. This change matches the active present tense of "knowing" in the previous line. I think it is also more grammatically correct. Also, we understand the eye belong to the passersby, so using "their" is redundant. additionally, it flows better.
"It's cold for early April,
there is ice formed on the ground." - Similarly, the "It's" and the "there is" should be the same... Either contracted or not, but mixing one contracted and one not contracted causes a break in the flow.
"It is cold for early April,
there is ice formed on the ground." - It is my opinion, that the non-contracted version is best for this couplet.
This is by far a better poem than my own, and despite my criticisms, I hope you win this contest!
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2020
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I really like this poem, and wanted to give it 6 stars.
It falls down on rhythm and word choice.
"Sheltered, scared behind our door."
Sheltered conflicts with scared because it implies there is nothing to be scared of. One who is sheltered has nothing to fear. Additionally, it conflicts with the entirety of that stanza's mood. If however, you had gone with "cowering" for example, it would have perfected the stanza.
The rhythm:
Rhythm is not simply about syllable count, but how the words flow across the tongue.
"are spread out on the ground." - "upon" would have been perfect as this line was short by one syllable.
"hurry quick, avert their eyes." - "hurry quick, averting eyes." is a better word choice for several reasons. This change matches the active present tense of "knowing" in the previous line. I think it is also more grammatically correct. Also, we understand the eye belong to the passersby, so using "their" is redundant. additionally, it flows better.
"It's cold for early April,
there is ice formed on the ground." - Similarly, the "It's" and the "there is" should be the same... Either contracted or not, but mixing one contracted and one not contracted causes a break in the flow.
"It is cold for early April,
there is ice formed on the ground." - It is my opinion, that the non-contracted version is best for this couplet.
This is by far a better poem than my own, and despite my criticisms, I hope you win this contest!
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 15-Apr-2020
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You have given me some great tips and I appreciate it. Are you a teacher? You are very knowledgeable. Thanks again. :)
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I am glad that you found my comments helpful. Yes, I am a teacher, but not in the school system.
Comment from estory
You did a good job painting these images of the homeless people; huddled in their blankets, in the cold, staring at the passers by. It is a challenging scene, a scene that challenges us to do something about it. The strong descriptive language really drives this more than the form, I think. The need to stay six feet away, for example, really drives home the feeling of loneliness and beings separated from society. The image of being under the bridge symbolizes being underneath the energy of society, being overlooked by it. estory
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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You did a good job painting these images of the homeless people; huddled in their blankets, in the cold, staring at the passers by. It is a challenging scene, a scene that challenges us to do something about it. The strong descriptive language really drives this more than the form, I think. The need to stay six feet away, for example, really drives home the feeling of loneliness and beings separated from society. The image of being under the bridge symbolizes being underneath the energy of society, being overlooked by it. estory
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Thank you for reading my poem and for your insightful comments. Both are greatly appreciated. :)
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Use These Words writing prompt.
This piece reads smoothly while using the required words.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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I think this is a good entry for the Use These Words writing prompt.
This piece reads smoothly while using the required words.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Thank you so much for reading my poem and for taking time to review.
Comment from LisaMay
Your poem identifies a major social problem and what our response might be. Where I live, we don't appear to have this problem, so i have not had to confront it, but it does make me wonder how to help, which your poem addresses. "Indeed what can we really do?"
"Stop and think of others,
if there's something you can do.
Then do it if you're able,
God is watching me and you.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Your poem identifies a major social problem and what our response might be. Where I live, we don't appear to have this problem, so i have not had to confront it, but it does make me wonder how to help, which your poem addresses. "Indeed what can we really do?"
"Stop and think of others,
if there's something you can do.
Then do it if you're able,
God is watching me and you.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2020
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Thank you for reading my poem. We have a homeless population where I live, but not as bad as the big cities. Volunteering at a soup kitchen is one great way to help. Thanks again.
Comment from Cass Carlton
This is what I call a conscience poem. It is a reminder that it is so easy to walk past some-one who asks for help and to remain in our own safe little ivory tower with the moat full, the drawbridge up and the portcullis down.
The poem lists several scenarios of desperate living. Under a bridge where the night winds whistle coldly though the dark..Out somewhere on waste ground there is a fire lit in a trash can with people crowding around it for warmth. This piece reminds us of those who sleep rough every night, the silent ones whose voice is not heard for fear of reprisal. If there is something you can do no matter how small then do it and be assured God who sees in secret will reward you openly. cheers Cass
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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This is what I call a conscience poem. It is a reminder that it is so easy to walk past some-one who asks for help and to remain in our own safe little ivory tower with the moat full, the drawbridge up and the portcullis down.
The poem lists several scenarios of desperate living. Under a bridge where the night winds whistle coldly though the dark..Out somewhere on waste ground there is a fire lit in a trash can with people crowding around it for warmth. This piece reminds us of those who sleep rough every night, the silent ones whose voice is not heard for fear of reprisal. If there is something you can do no matter how small then do it and be assured God who sees in secret will reward you openly. cheers Cass
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thank you for this great review and the 6 stars. It means a lot to me. :)
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Your entry for this contest is so straight to the heart concept and so actual. I really like this stanza: "Remember when you're bored,
complain that life's turned upside down.
There are people who are hungry,
and who sleep out on the ground.
Stop and think of others,
if there's something you can do.
Then do it if you're able,
God is watching me and you." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Your entry for this contest is so straight to the heart concept and so actual. I really like this stanza: "Remember when you're bored,
complain that life's turned upside down.
There are people who are hungry,
and who sleep out on the ground.
Stop and think of others,
if there's something you can do.
Then do it if you're able,
God is watching me and you." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thank you for this wonderful review and the lovely 6 stars. I appreciate it very much. :)
