Blended Reality
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "John Jon "A collection of stories: Some True, some not
19 total reviews
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
This was a gut-wrenching story, and a visual no family ever wants to imagine! I love the reference to the old-fashioned telephone. It is more descriptive and dramatic than referencing a cell phone.
In the paragraph "The graveside service.." I would have used a word like"sombre" rather than "quite a scene" which has [to me] a positive connotation, not in keeping with the mood you are creating.
In the paragraph...'Then she let it rip..." I think you closed the quotes around her words too soon...didn't you mean that she spoke all the words to the end of the paragraph? [Sorry, grammar nerd here.]
But this was true drama, and as one of your critics put it...I hope it was fiction for all your sakes!!
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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This was a gut-wrenching story, and a visual no family ever wants to imagine! I love the reference to the old-fashioned telephone. It is more descriptive and dramatic than referencing a cell phone.
In the paragraph "The graveside service.." I would have used a word like"sombre" rather than "quite a scene" which has [to me] a positive connotation, not in keeping with the mood you are creating.
In the paragraph...'Then she let it rip..." I think you closed the quotes around her words too soon...didn't you mean that she spoke all the words to the end of the paragraph? [Sorry, grammar nerd here.]
But this was true drama, and as one of your critics put it...I hope it was fiction for all your sakes!!
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Totally fiction, whew! Thanks for he solid input, I did go your route and agree fully, have a grat weekend.
Comment from Barbaraj1
This is an excellent story. I found it interesting that you start the story
with the slamming of the door and ending it the same way. This was a sad
story. I know this marriage won't last.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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This is an excellent story. I found it interesting that you start the story
with the slamming of the door and ending it the same way. This was a sad
story. I know this marriage won't last.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Barbara, thank you so much for catching that subtle beginning/ending write.
Comment from Puzzle
Wow this was soooooooo good. Omg so good! Loved it. Such a terrific spin on this prompt. Although it was a tragic and very sad story! But Written so well. I was captivated the whole time. And I have ADD so it's hard to do! Lol great job!
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Wow this was soooooooo good. Omg so good! Loved it. Such a terrific spin on this prompt. Although it was a tragic and very sad story! But Written so well. I was captivated the whole time. And I have ADD so it's hard to do! Lol great job!
Comment Written 21-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Puzzle, thank you your comments are so validating. I have never taken any writing classes and I do spend the balance of my writing hours immersed in free verse and dabble in other poetic styles. So writing short stories like this are something I do on a whim.
Comment from papa55mike
First thing is, I hope this is fiction. If it is, I want to compliment you on the wonderful writing because it read like it's true. Great job!
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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First thing is, I hope this is fiction. If it is, I want to compliment you on the wonderful writing because it read like it's true. Great job!
Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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Mike, most thankfully fiction all the way!
Comment from Bichon
You have done a great job with this writing prompt. The story was very tense, and the characters were fleshed out in the scenario. I wish you the best of luck in the contest, this was a very good read.
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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You have done a great job with this writing prompt. The story was very tense, and the characters were fleshed out in the scenario. I wish you the best of luck in the contest, this was a very good read.
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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Thank you so very much! I don't write much prose as I am more of a free verser. But, on occasion, I get the bug and your comments make me feel safe in, perhaps, doing a bit more.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Friend,
A Pathetic piece of Family Fiction in the form of Flash Fiction meeting the desired norms, having impressive phraseology, captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end with lively imagery at several places, and transparently depicting the tragic scenario.
Picture enhances depth of the theme.
Compact, and Perfect in all respects!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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Hello Friend,
A Pathetic piece of Family Fiction in the form of Flash Fiction meeting the desired norms, having impressive phraseology, captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end with lively imagery at several places, and transparently depicting the tragic scenario.
Picture enhances depth of the theme.
Compact, and Perfect in all respects!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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I am very, very grateful for your generous six-star validation and positive reflection on this Flash Fiction, your vote already makes me a winner, thank you.
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Hi Friend, Most Welcome!
&
CONGRATULATIONS!
With best wishes,
~ RP
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JLR, Most Welcome!
&
CONGRATULATIONS!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Powerful from start to finish! Heartbreaking--glad to see this is fiction but your writing is so skillful that it reads as if you speak from experience! Good luck--you may have a winner. Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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Powerful from start to finish! Heartbreaking--glad to see this is fiction but your writing is so skillful that it reads as if you speak from experience! Good luck--you may have a winner. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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Liz, thank you. We shall see.
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I am intrigued by the name John Jon--makes me wonder if his parents couldn't agree on whether to use the "H"!
Comment from Patty Palmer
This is an excellent story! It's very well written. I see no mistakes. It kept my interest all the way through. Very interesting and I really could feel the parents' concern and their pain. I also feel sad that it took all of this for him to realize that his marriage was over, Great job!! Good luck with the contest!
Patty
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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This is an excellent story! It's very well written. I see no mistakes. It kept my interest all the way through. Very interesting and I really could feel the parents' concern and their pain. I also feel sad that it took all of this for him to realize that his marriage was over, Great job!! Good luck with the contest!
Patty
Comment Written 20-May-2020
reply by the author on 20-May-2020
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Patty, thank you for the unexpected gift of six-stars, I am very grateful for your validation on this story.
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You're very welcome!
Patty
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You're very welcome!
Patty
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
This is really good. I like how it is engaging and intense and holds your attention throughout. The mother's reaction was expressed very well and sounds so realistic and true. This is good work and I enjoyed reading this well written work. Great job and well done!
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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This is really good. I like how it is engaging and intense and holds your attention throughout. The mother's reaction was expressed very well and sounds so realistic and true. This is good work and I enjoyed reading this well written work. Great job and well done!
Comment Written 19-May-2020
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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Jeffrey, thank you my friend, have a great day!
Comment from estory
I thought this was pretty strong. You jolted us into this in the opening scene, when your wife drops the phone as the call comes in that your son has been in a car accident. There's a great sense of uncertainty as the surroundings seem hazy, jumbling around you. And I really liked the scene in the hospital when your wife lashes out in her anger and blames you for the accident because you wanted him to experience going away to college. We get all that tension, the acute emotion, in that outburst that threatens the whole relationship. It really illustrates this tendency of people to blame someone for the pain they are experiencing and how hard it is to overcome that. In the end, you are standing there unsure of how things will turn out. Very realistic, very poignant. estory
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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I thought this was pretty strong. You jolted us into this in the opening scene, when your wife drops the phone as the call comes in that your son has been in a car accident. There's a great sense of uncertainty as the surroundings seem hazy, jumbling around you. And I really liked the scene in the hospital when your wife lashes out in her anger and blames you for the accident because you wanted him to experience going away to college. We get all that tension, the acute emotion, in that outburst that threatens the whole relationship. It really illustrates this tendency of people to blame someone for the pain they are experiencing and how hard it is to overcome that. In the end, you are standing there unsure of how things will turn out. Very realistic, very poignant. estory
Comment Written 19-May-2020
reply by the author on 19-May-2020
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esstroy, thank you very much! I am very grateful for the six-star rating, your reflection is very validating.
