Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Attitude Adjustment"Shenanigans on the frontier
14 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
I wonder why I'd not seen this story before but I see you last posted in November and I didn't rejoin FanStory until January. I like what I read today but of course I'm not in on the beginning and not sure I'll have time to go back. I'll try to catch up as you post. I find you writing interesting.
Beth
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I wonder why I'd not seen this story before but I see you last posted in November and I didn't rejoin FanStory until January. I like what I read today but of course I'm not in on the beginning and not sure I'll have time to go back. I'll try to catch up as you post. I find you writing interesting.
Beth
Comment Written 12-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I appreciate you taking the time to read my work. I hope you can start from the beginning.
Comment from Aiona
This piece, even though I'm coming into it in the middle, was a fun read. I think it could be even better with some other senses though.
Five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, taste
I liked how you incorporated sound in the first paragraph -- the axes chopping. The rest of the descriptions though are mostly sight, with a couple of "touch" - with the punches feeling the "pulp" of his lip.
The fight scenes though can really be snazzed up with more sounds (thuds, cracks) and touches (slices, jams, cracks,) and even smells (blood, sweat, manure) and tastes (blood, sweat, tears???).
There are also the sixth senses: omniscience
I like that in this paragraph:
"Roseanna's eyes shone as she took back the dipper. She couldn't explain it, but when she watched Doo in combat she felt an unexplained tingle down her spine and a warmth which started in her stomach and spread through her body and flushed her face."
I would put more of that in there!
I didn't see any typos. I saw a lot of punctuation errors, though. But those are easily fixed.
Example:
"Where we goin' Granny?"
Since he's addressing Granny, there should be a comma after "goin'."
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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This piece, even though I'm coming into it in the middle, was a fun read. I think it could be even better with some other senses though.
Five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell, taste
I liked how you incorporated sound in the first paragraph -- the axes chopping. The rest of the descriptions though are mostly sight, with a couple of "touch" - with the punches feeling the "pulp" of his lip.
The fight scenes though can really be snazzed up with more sounds (thuds, cracks) and touches (slices, jams, cracks,) and even smells (blood, sweat, manure) and tastes (blood, sweat, tears???).
There are also the sixth senses: omniscience
I like that in this paragraph:
"Roseanna's eyes shone as she took back the dipper. She couldn't explain it, but when she watched Doo in combat she felt an unexplained tingle down her spine and a warmth which started in her stomach and spread through her body and flushed her face."
I would put more of that in there!
I didn't see any typos. I saw a lot of punctuation errors, though. But those are easily fixed.
Example:
"Where we goin' Granny?"
Since he's addressing Granny, there should be a comma after "goin'."
Comment Written 12-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Earl. Good to see you post another chapter my friend. Note: Advice: (I would either shorten up the recap or eliminate most of it....I know you want to bring everyone up to date but you really need to do it.
"Rogers gave a howl, but more importantly he dropped the knife. Now he and Doo were both unarmed." (just say "Rogers howled")
And: "Rogers turned around and rushed Doo with his arms spread out. (with his arms open or open wide) Also Don't start each paragraph with Rogers this or Rogers that. Alternate and say "He" every so often for variety)
And: " . . .that made him take a step back." Change to: "that caused him to step back)
Your tale is coming along...good job for the most part Earl. : ) Bob
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Hi Earl. Good to see you post another chapter my friend. Note: Advice: (I would either shorten up the recap or eliminate most of it....I know you want to bring everyone up to date but you really need to do it.
"Rogers gave a howl, but more importantly he dropped the knife. Now he and Doo were both unarmed." (just say "Rogers howled")
And: "Rogers turned around and rushed Doo with his arms spread out. (with his arms open or open wide) Also Don't start each paragraph with Rogers this or Rogers that. Alternate and say "He" every so often for variety)
And: " . . .that made him take a step back." Change to: "that caused him to step back)
Your tale is coming along...good job for the most part Earl. : ) Bob
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Bob, thank you very much for the pointers, it means a lot to me that you're enjoying the book. I think the pointers you're giving me will help make my book more attractive to publishers.
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So glad I could help my friend. : ) Bob
Comment from richie b
Earl,
Your chapter is action packed and holds the readers
attention. Your description of frontier life shows there
is little room for the meek.
Your writing portrays imagery for the reader; he puts
himself in the midst of the fighting feels part of the
story. I enjoyed reading your story very much.
Blessings,
Richie b
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Earl,
Your chapter is action packed and holds the readers
attention. Your description of frontier life shows there
is little room for the meek.
Your writing portrays imagery for the reader; he puts
himself in the midst of the fighting feels part of the
story. I enjoyed reading your story very much.
Blessings,
Richie b
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I like this new word - thunderation is quite majestic for the purpose of the ... beating:)
Doo stepped back, bent over and placed his hands on his knees, and when he heaved air in and out his chest and sides it looked like a bellows pumping.
"Thunderation! I'm going to feel this in the morning," Doo thought
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I like this new word - thunderation is quite majestic for the purpose of the ... beating:)
Doo stepped back, bent over and placed his hands on his knees, and when he heaved air in and out his chest and sides it looked like a bellows pumping.
"Thunderation! I'm going to feel this in the morning," Doo thought
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I made that up to use in instead of a cuss word. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I felt a little sorry for Bear, but he was a brutal man. He did get an attitude adjustment. I doubt very much he will let sleeping dogs lie. He is the type that will get even, or at least try. Well done Earl. I had almost forgotten your story. LOL Nancy:)
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I felt a little sorry for Bear, but he was a brutal man. He did get an attitude adjustment. I doubt very much he will let sleeping dogs lie. He is the type that will get even, or at least try. Well done Earl. I had almost forgotten your story. LOL Nancy:)
Comment Written 10-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Bear may make a reappearance but you need to watch out for Smythe he's slimy. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Ben Colder
I have been out of touch with your work and reading this, I stayed lost, but no fault of yours or the story. It seems to be filled with good drama. Keep writing, I will try and get back into the story. I was thinking about Johnny Cash's children when seeing the Characters name Roseanna Carter.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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I have been out of touch with your work and reading this, I stayed lost, but no fault of yours or the story. It seems to be filled with good drama. Keep writing, I will try and get back into the story. I was thinking about Johnny Cash's children when seeing the Characters name Roseanna Carter.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Roseanna is actually a play on my wife's name, Anna. I hope you get caught up too.I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Shirley McLain
You did an excellent job on your chapter. It was full of action and the dialogue appropriate. Now we have to wait and see what is happening next. Shirley
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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You did an excellent job on your chapter. It was full of action and the dialogue appropriate. Now we have to wait and see what is happening next. Shirley
Comment Written 09-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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Thank you Shirley the next chapter will come out a lot sooner.
Comment from royowen
Welcome back Earl, I haven't heard fom you for awhile, hope you're doing well. But what a welcome. An excellent episode my friend, it's quite difficult to describe an action bit in a short space, but you did it very well indeed. I've wondered how it would turn out in a fight with a big man, but I guess ok if you kept your cool. Well done, an excellent episode, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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Welcome back Earl, I haven't heard fom you for awhile, hope you're doing well. But what a welcome. An excellent episode my friend, it's quite difficult to describe an action bit in a short space, but you did it very well indeed. I've wondered how it would turn out in a fight with a big man, but I guess ok if you kept your cool. Well done, an excellent episode, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 09-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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Thank you very much Roy. I?m going to try to be more active now school is out for the summer. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
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My pleasure Earl.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Earl, I did enjoy this chapter immensely, fitting I think for a story about people as big as Rogers.
I suspect, though I have not read any of you work before, that each chapter centers on the actions of one of your primary chapters, and the attraction (and distraction) between man and woman, will move the plot along.
I look forward to reading your next post, so I will fan you, with your permission.
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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Dear Earl, I did enjoy this chapter immensely, fitting I think for a story about people as big as Rogers.
I suspect, though I have not read any of you work before, that each chapter centers on the actions of one of your primary chapters, and the attraction (and distraction) between man and woman, will move the plot along.
I look forward to reading your next post, so I will fan you, with your permission.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2020
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Please do fan me and feel free to read anything in my portfolio. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
