Twixt
a 494-word ghost story8 total reviews
Comment from Spitfire
Something supernatural is definitely going on here. The truck erupting from the mist. Maybe they did get hit. On second reading with its repetition of the beginning, it sounds like a time loop. Love the humor of 'twixt' dialogue. Also Moonflower Mums. Goes back to the hippy days. A piece worthy of discussion.
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Something supernatural is definitely going on here. The truck erupting from the mist. Maybe they did get hit. On second reading with its repetition of the beginning, it sounds like a time loop. Love the humor of 'twixt' dialogue. Also Moonflower Mums. Goes back to the hippy days. A piece worthy of discussion.
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Shari, for giving this a look.
Comment from Loren .
This does have the eerie feel of a Rod Sirling, "Twilight Zone" to it. I think you did a good job with the dialogue and the conversation between the two young men seemed genuine ... even if they did sound like someone's old grandma. :) Loren
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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This does have the eerie feel of a Rod Sirling, "Twilight Zone" to it. I think you did a good job with the dialogue and the conversation between the two young men seemed genuine ... even if they did sound like someone's old grandma. :) Loren
Comment Written 05-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Loren.
Comment from Jacob David Collins
I thought this was really engaging and I liked how you turned the story round on itself. I thought the dialogue made this a pacy read and it kept me reading. A well written piece. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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I thought this was really engaging and I liked how you turned the story round on itself. I thought the dialogue made this a pacy read and it kept me reading. A well written piece. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Jacob.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Ups, was the girl the guardian at the bridge? Maybe her role is to scare guys away. This story is quite a mystery until the end. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Ups, was the girl the guardian at the bridge? Maybe her role is to scare guys away. This story is quite a mystery until the end. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest and with your writings.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Iza
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Masterfully told--great banter re twixt and the flip-off. What is it that happens at the end that makes him mess himself (is this "mess" the "something" that burst out of the...?) Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Masterfully told--great banter re twixt and the flip-off. What is it that happens at the end that makes him mess himself (is this "mess" the "something" that burst out of the...?) Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 04-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thanks for reading , Liz. Mess it what you find in a baby diaper.
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I know what you meant by "mess"! I just meant by my question was it the mess that burst out?
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your contest entry, Mystery Author. You did a good job with the idea of ghost story. I get a picture of the 'twixt' girl being the ghost and appearing out of the mist of the water where the bridge crosses over it. I like how your story started and ended the same. Did they see a ghoist? I'll never tell. Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
unto (in 2 places)---> I believe 'into' is the word choice.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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I enjoyed your contest entry, Mystery Author. You did a good job with the idea of ghost story. I get a picture of the 'twixt' girl being the ghost and appearing out of the mist of the water where the bridge crosses over it. I like how your story started and ended the same. Did they see a ghoist? I'll never tell. Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
unto (in 2 places)---> I believe 'into' is the word choice.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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Thanks for pointing out those two bloopers.
Comment from AJ McCall
The last confused me a bit. But I learned what twixt is now. I didn't know what that was before. Very intriguing entry. I look out for more of your writing. Hope you win!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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The last confused me a bit. But I learned what twixt is now. I didn't know what that was before. Very intriguing entry. I look out for more of your writing. Hope you win!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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It takes a couple readings to gel.
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Oh, okay. :)
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, what you have is written well, but I think that ending changes this from a ghost story to sort of a science fiction Ground Hog Day, time loop tale. I mean it is written well and if you have enough fans, they'll support you anyway, but it is something I would think about.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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Hmm, what you have is written well, but I think that ending changes this from a ghost story to sort of a science fiction Ground Hog Day, time loop tale. I mean it is written well and if you have enough fans, they'll support you anyway, but it is something I would think about.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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Sorry you didn?t like it. I did.
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Interesting. I never said I didn't like it. I gave it the five star rating good writing deserves. I tried to be honest and give you proper warning that nothing in your story identifies what you submitted in ghost story contest, as a ghost story. And your ending is classic sci-fi. But, I'm happy you liked it, as did I.
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I was hoping the repeated description of Chet?s countenance as ?a sheet of white? would be enough to suggest the ghost aspect. Too subtle I guess.
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I did finally revise the story a bit. Would appreciate your take on it now.
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It is written well. But it is not a ghost story. The ending makes it seem to be time loop story. The truck, the girl, play no meaning role. They don't impact the story. It seems the twist (as in a flash fiction) is that they keep repeating the loop on the bridge. But, there's nothing wrong with that.
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New ending and other emb3llishments.
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Okay, the two young men died on that bridge and Moonflower sees them as ghosts years later haunting the bridge.
Much better.
