Rough-Sleeper's Day Ends
A Lune Poem: Layers of pain...34 total reviews
Comment from Aussie
Congrats on winning the contest because you deserved it. In this day and age, NO ONE SHOULD SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH. Not in our affluent society. In places like India, it is understood, not right but understood, they are overrun with people. Excellent write friend.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Congrats on winning the contest because you deserved it. In this day and age, NO ONE SHOULD SLEEP ON A PARK BENCH. Not in our affluent society. In places like India, it is understood, not right but understood, they are overrun with people. Excellent write friend.
Comment Written 22-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Hello Aussie!
Thank you for your excellent rating and thoughtful review.
Much appreciated!
Hoping you are safe and well!
diane
Comment from Miss Cookie Atkinson
I like the photo you choose to go with your poem, they are a perfect match. You captured my attention from the start. Your words were few yet they told the sad but truthful a full store.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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I like the photo you choose to go with your poem, they are a perfect match. You captured my attention from the start. Your words were few yet they told the sad but truthful a full store.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 22-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Cookie!
diane
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your very welcome.
stay safe and blessed.
Cookie
Comment from lightink
I appreciate the sensitive social commentary offered by this poem.
The expression 'rough-sleeper' already tells long stories about the quality of sleep itself just as much as about the circumstances.
The first line
"Rough-sleeper's search finds"
is rich in alliteration and consonances (r,s)
while the second line
"chipped park bench ~'
have to be pronounced with emphasis on each word, that creates a set of pauses - almost mimicking a state of shock (metric spondees I believe)
"layered coats of pain..."
And the third line is a well constructed a-ha moment that redefine the experience of layering coats.
Wonderful entry in this contest!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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I appreciate the sensitive social commentary offered by this poem.
The expression 'rough-sleeper' already tells long stories about the quality of sleep itself just as much as about the circumstances.
The first line
"Rough-sleeper's search finds"
is rich in alliteration and consonances (r,s)
while the second line
"chipped park bench ~'
have to be pronounced with emphasis on each word, that creates a set of pauses - almost mimicking a state of shock (metric spondees I believe)
"layered coats of pain..."
And the third line is a well constructed a-ha moment that redefine the experience of layering coats.
Wonderful entry in this contest!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Hello lightink!
What a thoughtful review!
So very pleased that you took such care to analyze my offering; Much appreciated!
Thank you!
diane
Comment from flylikeaneagle
PenPal: it's hard to be homeless and find a decent meal and bed.
In Denver, these benches now have a bar in the middle so people
can't sleep on them anymore. I've seen homeless live in tents and
sit on streets. They don't have an address so how can they work?
People try to help and get them places to get help. Many mental
health issues all need to be addressed but the lines are long.
Great awareness. flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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PenPal: it's hard to be homeless and find a decent meal and bed.
In Denver, these benches now have a bar in the middle so people
can't sleep on them anymore. I've seen homeless live in tents and
sit on streets. They don't have an address so how can they work?
People try to help and get them places to get help. Many mental
health issues all need to be addressed but the lines are long.
Great awareness. flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Hello flylikeaneagle,
Your well-crafted and thoughtful review speaks volumes. So many layers of pain...
I thank you for your excellent rating and thoughtful review. Hoping that someday soon mental health issues will indeed be addressed in our country and beyond...
Thank you!
Comment from Spitfire
Insightful last line. Chipped park bench suggests that layered coats might be followed by paint...so 'pain' elicited a gasp. A double meaning with layered coats.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Insightful last line. Chipped park bench suggests that layered coats might be followed by paint...so 'pain' elicited a gasp. A double meaning with layered coats.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Hello Spitfire!
I am honored by your exceptional rating and complimentary/thoughtful review. And I am thrilled that the last line resonated with you.
Such a devastating situation worldwide...
thank you again!
diane
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Yes, the homeless will multiply as the pandemic continues. Hooray for wood benches as opposed to steel ones. LOL
Comment from harmony13
I found this poem sad, descriptive and creative. I pondered on how
their are people in New York City who sleep on park benches. I thought about gratitude and all I am grateful for. Thank you for the author's
notes - I learned something new today! Have a good night!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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I found this poem sad, descriptive and creative. I pondered on how
their are people in New York City who sleep on park benches. I thought about gratitude and all I am grateful for. Thank you for the author's
notes - I learned something new today! Have a good night!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Hello harmony!
The travesty of this situation is that it is worldwide...
Thank you for stopping by and your excellent rating and thoughtful review...
Thank you!
Comment from Ben Colder
Interesting. The rough sleeper seems to be sleeping peacefully but doubt it happening in America in the midst of the terrible times we are having.
I find no fault with this writ.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Interesting. The rough sleeper seems to be sleeping peacefully but doubt it happening in America in the midst of the terrible times we are having.
I find no fault with this writ.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Ben!
Comment from Ben Colder
Interesting. The rough sleeper seems to be sleeping peacefully but doubt it happening in America in the midst of the terrible times we are having.
I find no fault with this writ.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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Interesting. The rough sleeper seems to be sleeping peacefully but doubt it happening in America in the midst of the terrible times we are having.
I find no fault with this writ.
Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
Comment from lyenochka
Great use of the picture to illustrate your lune - that final line is stellar with the "layered coats of pain." Using "coats" moves us from the bench to the "rough-sleeper." Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Great use of the picture to illustrate your lune - that final line is stellar with the "layered coats of pain." Using "coats" moves us from the bench to the "rough-sleeper." Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Hello Helen!
So pleased you enjoyed.
Such a distressing situation...
Thank you!
Comment from MissMerri
Well done! I thought the wording of this Lune was especially clever, and despite the limited number of words permitted, managed to convey much... both message and emotion included. Good luck in the contest. I imagine this will do very well.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Well done! I thought the wording of this Lune was especially clever, and despite the limited number of words permitted, managed to convey much... both message and emotion included. Good luck in the contest. I imagine this will do very well.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Hello Adonna!
I am honored by your exceptional rating and complimentary review.
Thank you!
