Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Betrayal Chapter 1"In the title.
53 total reviews
Comment from elchupakabra
Tania Russell stared in dismay at the muddy water splattered over her coat and turned to watch the car, whose driver had been responsible, turn into the underground carpark. // This feels incomplete - I would add a short introduction before we get 'full name' is performing action a and then quickly is performing action b and aside from 'scrappy' I have no idea what this character might look like so I'm literally picturing Scrappy Doo yelling because he has mud on his coat.
Tania Russell's short legs pounded the pavement furiously with each step as she was in a rush, running late for an interview. Tania is a short, scrappy, wiry blonde woman of about 35. Today, she was wearing her best pin stripe suit with a matching coat, a humble ensemble she wore for all her interviews. Under her arm she clutched a worn, leather carrying tube which contained her pride and joy; her architectural designs she'd created for the biggest interview of her life. Tania was so focused on her goal she failed to notice the expensive sports car that had taken the corner quicker than most; it sped by and splashed through a puddle near the curb, splattering Tania with muddy water. In shock, Tania cranes her neck to find the person responsible. She sees the sports car turn into an underground car park and without thinking, she gives chase, jogging into the car park and hurriedly approaching the car.
(Now we have extra layers of information and the splashing has more meaning because it's not just something random happening to someone random, it's humble, hardworking Tania on her way to her most important job interview and she's getting splashed by some jerk in a sports car.)
She noted the smart, expensive suit he was wearing, the $200 haircut he could have gotten for $15 at First Cuts, the Oxford shoes to match the education, the flashy white smile that was neither warm nor inviting. The man was dripping with privilege and her anger seethed. (Again, adding a few extra layers to the character and now I have in full mind exactly the type of person this is).
'Excuse me! Do you always drive without considering pedestrians when you're out in your fancy sports car? Perhaps you don't realise there are lesser mortals like me who have to work bloody hard to keep a half decent wardrobe. The least you could have done was stop and apologise for ruining my coat!'
Dialogue is really difficult but I find the best thing to do is not to read it yourself because it's always going to sound better that way, but actually if you can, have someone else read it and act it out - the best thing to do with dialogue is to keep it simple because it's just how people talk, unless it's a specific part where you're transferring important information to the audience through the character via monologue, most dialogue is best kept short, sweet and don't be afraid to employ basic slang. You could keep it basic like:
'Excuse me! Do you have an eye problem or do you just not care about other people? This may not mean much to you but I work my ass for what I have. The least you could have done was stop and apologize!'
OR
'Hey!' she yelled breathlessly, holding her coat out to show the stain. 'You splashed me and ruined my coat and you didn't even stop to apologize!? What the hell's your problem? You think 'cause you're rich other people don't matter?"
I will look at some other chapters later when I can, keep up the great work. Later daze.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2021
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Tania Russell stared in dismay at the muddy water splattered over her coat and turned to watch the car, whose driver had been responsible, turn into the underground carpark. // This feels incomplete - I would add a short introduction before we get 'full name' is performing action a and then quickly is performing action b and aside from 'scrappy' I have no idea what this character might look like so I'm literally picturing Scrappy Doo yelling because he has mud on his coat.
Tania Russell's short legs pounded the pavement furiously with each step as she was in a rush, running late for an interview. Tania is a short, scrappy, wiry blonde woman of about 35. Today, she was wearing her best pin stripe suit with a matching coat, a humble ensemble she wore for all her interviews. Under her arm she clutched a worn, leather carrying tube which contained her pride and joy; her architectural designs she'd created for the biggest interview of her life. Tania was so focused on her goal she failed to notice the expensive sports car that had taken the corner quicker than most; it sped by and splashed through a puddle near the curb, splattering Tania with muddy water. In shock, Tania cranes her neck to find the person responsible. She sees the sports car turn into an underground car park and without thinking, she gives chase, jogging into the car park and hurriedly approaching the car.
(Now we have extra layers of information and the splashing has more meaning because it's not just something random happening to someone random, it's humble, hardworking Tania on her way to her most important job interview and she's getting splashed by some jerk in a sports car.)
She noted the smart, expensive suit he was wearing, the $200 haircut he could have gotten for $15 at First Cuts, the Oxford shoes to match the education, the flashy white smile that was neither warm nor inviting. The man was dripping with privilege and her anger seethed. (Again, adding a few extra layers to the character and now I have in full mind exactly the type of person this is).
'Excuse me! Do you always drive without considering pedestrians when you're out in your fancy sports car? Perhaps you don't realise there are lesser mortals like me who have to work bloody hard to keep a half decent wardrobe. The least you could have done was stop and apologise for ruining my coat!'
Dialogue is really difficult but I find the best thing to do is not to read it yourself because it's always going to sound better that way, but actually if you can, have someone else read it and act it out - the best thing to do with dialogue is to keep it simple because it's just how people talk, unless it's a specific part where you're transferring important information to the audience through the character via monologue, most dialogue is best kept short, sweet and don't be afraid to employ basic slang. You could keep it basic like:
'Excuse me! Do you have an eye problem or do you just not care about other people? This may not mean much to you but I work my ass for what I have. The least you could have done was stop and apologize!'
OR
'Hey!' she yelled breathlessly, holding her coat out to show the stain. 'You splashed me and ruined my coat and you didn't even stop to apologize!? What the hell's your problem? You think 'cause you're rich other people don't matter?"
I will look at some other chapters later when I can, keep up the great work. Later daze.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2021
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When I asked you to go through the book, I didn't really expect you to do it. Bless your heart, this being the first chapter, and probably the most important one to claim and keep a readers interest, you've gone ahead and reviewed it! I can't thank you enough. I'll go right through this. What you've shown me here will stay with me for future chapters and possible books I write. I honestly didn't mean for you to do this for me, but I'm not going to stop you, lol. Whatever chapter you choose to review will be gratefully received. You just might make an author out of me yet! Thank you. :)) Sandra
Comment from Jessica Borras
So, I started with Chapter 21 of this book and enjoyed it so much, I've now had to start again at the beginning :) I already love Tania, and can tell she's going to be a wonderful character.
If I had to nitpick, I'd only have two suggestions. First is, I'm not sure if you want us to know that it's Grant at the very beginning, or if you'd rather it just be foreshadowed. I think if you leave out his name when he's first introduced, it would make for a great surprise in following chapters. It would also help to keep things in Tania's POV.
The second is the sentence "She'd obviously taken great care with her appearance before coming here--which she had, too." I would suggest maybe changing the first "she'd" to either "the other woman", or "the other candidate", OR changing the second "she" to "Tania". But honestly, that's such a minor thing.
Your writing is wonderful, and I really look forward to reading more! <3
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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So, I started with Chapter 21 of this book and enjoyed it so much, I've now had to start again at the beginning :) I already love Tania, and can tell she's going to be a wonderful character.
If I had to nitpick, I'd only have two suggestions. First is, I'm not sure if you want us to know that it's Grant at the very beginning, or if you'd rather it just be foreshadowed. I think if you leave out his name when he's first introduced, it would make for a great surprise in following chapters. It would also help to keep things in Tania's POV.
The second is the sentence "She'd obviously taken great care with her appearance before coming here--which she had, too." I would suggest maybe changing the first "she'd" to either "the other woman", or "the other candidate", OR changing the second "she" to "Tania". But honestly, that's such a minor thing.
Your writing is wonderful, and I really look forward to reading more! <3
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Thank you so much, Jessica, for going back to part one. That is so encouraging! I like your nitpicks, lol, and will definitely sort those out. I haven't done the final edit yet, so if you do read through and find more, then, please let me know. I'll be most grateful. A fresh pair of eyes are always useful. Thank you! Have a lovely Easter. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Sally Law
Superb chapter, dear Sandra. I love Tania even more. She's my kind of gal. I had strep throat on my first job interview and didn't know it. I typed off the page in a blur. I got the job though. Hopefully, she will get the job, too, seeing past the mud.
Sending you my best with six stars,
Sal XOs....
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2021
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Superb chapter, dear Sandra. I love Tania even more. She's my kind of gal. I had strep throat on my first job interview and didn't know it. I typed off the page in a blur. I got the job though. Hopefully, she will get the job, too, seeing past the mud.
Sending you my best with six stars,
Sal XOs....
Comment Written 21-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2021
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Aw, thank you, Sally! What a lovely review, and a hug for all the stars, my dear friend.
You've gone right back to chapter one, and there is no promotion on it. You are so kind to do that. Thank you so much! :) Warm hugs. Sandra xxx
Comment from Begin Again
My kind of girl - give them what they've got coming! You certainly don't need any technical critic, so I will just read along and enjoy. It seems our spirited young lady has an unsure side to her as well. Smiles!
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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My kind of girl - give them what they've got coming! You certainly don't need any technical critic, so I will just read along and enjoy. It seems our spirited young lady has an unsure side to her as well. Smiles!
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Goodness me, thank you so much, I certainly wasn't expecting you to start reading my book! That is so kind of you. You needn't leave a review each time, I know that can be time-consuming with the length of this one. Just know I really appreciate your kind words. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from dmt1967
She noted the smart, expensive suit he (was wearing) and her anger grew. (wore)
There was a small photo of Mr Blake at the side of the page, not a very good (), but she could see the pride in his stature. (one)
This is a very good first chapter. The start hook was good as it made me want to read on and the end hook was good as it wanted me to know what would happen next. My reviews are on the premises that you want to publish, they are my opinions only, and they are based on advice I have been given from far better writers than me. I thought in places it was very telling and someone told me not to use words like 'was' and 'had' as they make it sound that way.
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
I hope this is the book you want reviewing lol. If it is another book, will you let me know.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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She noted the smart, expensive suit he (was wearing) and her anger grew. (wore)
There was a small photo of Mr Blake at the side of the page, not a very good (), but she could see the pride in his stature. (one)
This is a very good first chapter. The start hook was good as it made me want to read on and the end hook was good as it wanted me to know what would happen next. My reviews are on the premises that you want to publish, they are my opinions only, and they are based on advice I have been given from far better writers than me. I thought in places it was very telling and someone told me not to use words like 'was' and 'had' as they make it sound that way.
Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
I hope this is the book you want reviewing lol. If it is another book, will you let me know.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Hi, Thank you! I'm delighted you are going through this book. Already you have picked up some errors, and I can't thank you enough. I want to see if I can sell this book instead of self publishing, so your reviews are really appreciated. Thank you. Warm hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from DSchlosser
Oh, I can imagine what chapter two brings when Tania meets Grant and sees to her horror who Grant is. This is like normal life. Whenever you chew someone out, it almost always is someone you'll end up encountering again in life.
Some great writing for the first chapter! I'm glad I'm starting at the beginning and going back through.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2020
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Oh, I can imagine what chapter two brings when Tania meets Grant and sees to her horror who Grant is. This is like normal life. Whenever you chew someone out, it almost always is someone you'll end up encountering again in life.
Some great writing for the first chapter! I'm glad I'm starting at the beginning and going back through.
Comment Written 27-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2020
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Gosh, thank you so much for going back and reading from the beginning. It's nice to know the first chapter has caught your attention, that is such a big thing in writing novels. Have a wonderful 2021, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Chrissy710
Hooked Sandra , Lol next chapter coming up and will see what Grant does in the interview Ha ha hope I am right
Have some spare time today to catch up
cheers Chris
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2020
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Hooked Sandra , Lol next chapter coming up and will see what Grant does in the interview Ha ha hope I am right
Have some spare time today to catch up
cheers Chris
Comment Written 09-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2020
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Oh, you wonderful lady, thank you so much! I'm over the moon you like it, thank you for those lovely six stars. I'm sending you a humongous hug. Stay say, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
I have started reading your wonderful exciting storylines. The designing woman sure had a difficult morning but hopefully she will land the job she's after...will wait until your next chapter to find out.....
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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I have started reading your wonderful exciting storylines. The designing woman sure had a difficult morning but hopefully she will land the job she's after...will wait until your next chapter to find out.....
Comment Written 20-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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What a lovely lady you are to go back to the beginning without any pump rewards, thank you so very much! You have put the biggest smile on my face. Warm hugs, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
There's a good introduction to character here and things more at a good pace. there were a number of questions this raised to me as I was reading it through...
here goes -
her mud splattered coat I think I'd be inclined to hyphenate this. (well, me and the Oxford English dictionary!)
she sped along the path and ran down the slope just in time to see the driver get out. She noted the smart, expensive suit he was wearing and her anger grew. On a run now, she dashed forward - she was already running...
Tania's eyes dropped to the sludgy mess on her coat. How could she go to her interview looking like this? - well, she could have just taken it off as she entered the building... (I don't think I've ever kept my coat on during an interview. Suit jacket, sure but not a coat). I see the receptionist suggests this later on, makes me think Tania isn't too bright... lol
Slamming his Ferrari car door, he marched over to the lift. - maybe slamming the door of his Ferrari? I think I'd also be inclined to use strode rather than marched, just a personal preference, though.
Tania went to sit down and was acutely aware of the looks she was getting from the other three hopefuls. The two men openly smirked as they eyed her up and down, while the third, a woman who oozed professionalism, just raised a shapely eyebrow. - three sentences, three adverbs - might want to watch for those.
Her fingers gripped the handle on her portfolio; - just an observation here but this is the first time it's mentioned she was carrying anything. It wasn't the impression I got when she was speeding after the driver earlier. Also, would it not be muddy as well. if not, then maybe some sort of reference to that being lucky may be in order, perhaps shielded by her body or suchlike.
'Tania's best friend, Monica Fox, had told her about an upcoming multi-billion pound project - remove the mark from before Tania.
When she did the goggle search it seems Grant came up. Would she not have recognised him in the parking garage.
Thirty minutes seems like a small amount to time for such an important job. I've had interviews for a care assistant last longer than that. just a thought. Also, why were the men there so early? It means they'd be sitting around the office for around two hours before the interview? We tend not to do that.
All the best
G
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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2020
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Hi Sandra,
There's a good introduction to character here and things more at a good pace. there were a number of questions this raised to me as I was reading it through...
here goes -
her mud splattered coat I think I'd be inclined to hyphenate this. (well, me and the Oxford English dictionary!)
she sped along the path and ran down the slope just in time to see the driver get out. She noted the smart, expensive suit he was wearing and her anger grew. On a run now, she dashed forward - she was already running...
Tania's eyes dropped to the sludgy mess on her coat. How could she go to her interview looking like this? - well, she could have just taken it off as she entered the building... (I don't think I've ever kept my coat on during an interview. Suit jacket, sure but not a coat). I see the receptionist suggests this later on, makes me think Tania isn't too bright... lol
Slamming his Ferrari car door, he marched over to the lift. - maybe slamming the door of his Ferrari? I think I'd also be inclined to use strode rather than marched, just a personal preference, though.
Tania went to sit down and was acutely aware of the looks she was getting from the other three hopefuls. The two men openly smirked as they eyed her up and down, while the third, a woman who oozed professionalism, just raised a shapely eyebrow. - three sentences, three adverbs - might want to watch for those.
Her fingers gripped the handle on her portfolio; - just an observation here but this is the first time it's mentioned she was carrying anything. It wasn't the impression I got when she was speeding after the driver earlier. Also, would it not be muddy as well. if not, then maybe some sort of reference to that being lucky may be in order, perhaps shielded by her body or suchlike.
'Tania's best friend, Monica Fox, had told her about an upcoming multi-billion pound project - remove the mark from before Tania.
When she did the goggle search it seems Grant came up. Would she not have recognised him in the parking garage.
Thirty minutes seems like a small amount to time for such an important job. I've had interviews for a care assistant last longer than that. just a thought. Also, why were the men there so early? It means they'd be sitting around the office for around two hours before the interview? We tend not to do that.
All the best
G
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2020
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I'll just say thanks for this, Gareth, as I've already thank you properly in the last reply. Warm hugs, my friend. :) Sandra
Comment from dragonpoet
This is a strong start to the story. It creates clear strong characters and also a somewhat ironic surprise for Tania when she sees who who interview is with.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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This is a strong start to the story. It creates clear strong characters and also a somewhat ironic surprise for Tania when she sees who who interview is with.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
Comment Written 16-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 16-Oct-2020
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Hello Joan, thank you so much for reading chapter 1 of my new book. I really appreciate it and the lovely review. It would be so nice to have you come along. You stay well, too, my friend. Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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My pleasure. Thanks, I am trying my best to stay away from the virus.
Joan
