| General Non-Fiction posted October 5, 2022 | Chapters: |
...22 23 -24- 25... 
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The underpinnings of a lifelong bond
A chapter in the book A Fly on the Wall
On...Friendship
by Rachelle Allen
| Background The observations and assessments of my everyday life. These are not presented in chronological order. |
October 5, 2022
Ah, that most integral of human associations!
In pre-school, it can begin with an exchange as simple as "Hi! Want to be friends?" followed by playing together for the rest of the morning and holding hands a lot. When moms come for the retrieval at class's end, introductions are often made, playdates set, and voila! Just like that, a new friendship is cemented. Easy peasy.
But then, as we age, and, let's face it, get burned/rejected/disappointed by people we once considered friends, we become a little more reticent to welcome a new person into the fold of our lives. It's far easier and safer to just be pleasant while holding them at arm's length. And that's fair. If you're as trusting at, say, thirty as you were at four, you have way more red flags to deal with about yourself than merely a glut of so-called friends.
Friendship is very personal. You can perplex countless people when you announce that someone is your friend. "Her?" they might respond incredulously. "She is your friend? Seriously?"
The response these words evoke from you, though, is what speaks volumes. If you say, "Yes," then follow it with a panicked, "why?," that suggests you are worried there's something hidden in her that you've 'missed.' (Is that flaw yours for missing it, or hers for having it?) But if you respond with a simple, "Yes," and nothing further, then that indicates your supreme confidence and satisfaction with the relationship. It almost teeters on a dare, as in: "Say anything more, and I may reconsider my friendship with YOU."
There is a tempo to friendship that must be respected. Words like "I'm proud of you" or "I am so lucky to call you my friend" are reserved for the decades-long brand of associations only. Even if they're genuine and offered up with the best of intentions, such exultations, early on, can create unease and discomfort. It feels like there's a desperation and over-zealousness to want to feel 'connected.'
I love memes about friendship:
Ah, that most integral of human associations!
In pre-school, it can begin with an exchange as simple as "Hi! Want to be friends?" followed by playing together for the rest of the morning and holding hands a lot. When moms come for the retrieval at class's end, introductions are often made, playdates set, and voila! Just like that, a new friendship is cemented. Easy peasy.
But then, as we age, and, let's face it, get burned/rejected/disappointed by people we once considered friends, we become a little more reticent to welcome a new person into the fold of our lives. It's far easier and safer to just be pleasant while holding them at arm's length. And that's fair. If you're as trusting at, say, thirty as you were at four, you have way more red flags to deal with about yourself than merely a glut of so-called friends.
Friendship is very personal. You can perplex countless people when you announce that someone is your friend. "Her?" they might respond incredulously. "She is your friend? Seriously?"
The response these words evoke from you, though, is what speaks volumes. If you say, "Yes," then follow it with a panicked, "why?," that suggests you are worried there's something hidden in her that you've 'missed.' (Is that flaw yours for missing it, or hers for having it?) But if you respond with a simple, "Yes," and nothing further, then that indicates your supreme confidence and satisfaction with the relationship. It almost teeters on a dare, as in: "Say anything more, and I may reconsider my friendship with YOU."
There is a tempo to friendship that must be respected. Words like "I'm proud of you" or "I am so lucky to call you my friend" are reserved for the decades-long brand of associations only. Even if they're genuine and offered up with the best of intentions, such exultations, early on, can create unease and discomfort. It feels like there's a desperation and over-zealousness to want to feel 'connected.'
I love memes about friendship:
Real friendship doesn't expire.
The crucial word there is "Real." Marginal friends will come and go throughout the years, but the Real ones, they remain.
I have Real friends who I haven't seen since college. We've kept in touch regularly --and I'm talking bi-weekly for four-and-a-half decades now-- via (gasp) snail mail. Sure, we supplement our communications occasionally with emails, texts and private Facebook messages, but mostly we continue to rely exclusively on snail mail. There's just something so special-beyond-words, so "undying friendship" about receiving paper that's been scribed with the handwriting of someone you love and who loves you back. It's a treasure you get to cherish again and again, whenever you need him or her close by you.
And this brings me to another delightful meme:
Friendship isn't a big thing. It's a million little things.
It's a quick text or phone call before a job interview. ("They'll hire you if they're smart.") or a favorite food treat delivered for absolutely no reason. It's saying and hearing, "I couldn't wait to tell you this!" It's starting a sentence, "Remember the time we..." The sub-text is always "I love you," and the specifics of it add "most."
Friendship is: I do something nice for you, and you let me because, if our situations were reversed, I know you would do the exact same thing for me.
Recently, I came across this somewhat dark meme on the subject of friendship:
One good thing about going through the worst parts of your life, is that you finally get to see the true colors of everyone who said they cared about you.
That one speaks for itself, but it also carries with it the understanding that you can learn as much from a bad example as you can a good one. Bad friendships, if handled properly, help make you smart enough to be more discerning in the future. If you're wise and committed to personal growth, they can actually catapult you into a life comprised of only good friends. It's not just closets and gardens that require periodic weeding, you know.
The two standout requisites of friendship are: honesty and loyalty. But another crucial element to that mix is time.
Although an alliance may begin with an immediate 'click,' one borne from a mutual understanding or a shared take on an experience, that is merely its jumping-off point. It whispers of the possibility of something special, but there is no guarantee that accompanies it. Early on, friendships are especially tenuous.
I liken it to a recipe that starts with two wonderful ingredients. But whether they meld together and rise into one spectacular entity or get tossed into the trash before they make it to the oven depends on a great number of variables. Like cooking, friendship is a process.
Some people like lots and lots of attention and daily interaction from the get-go. Others would opt out of that immediately. Some people like to share secrets or feelings or their history right away, but there are those who might insist that such a level of intimacy should not be doled out like candy at a child's birthday party.
That's why listening between the lines of a new acquaintance's words is so important. Just like when you were in pre-school, if you take little steps, they will lead you to big successes.
And, as far as I'm concerned, nothing says, "I'm a success" more than a close friendship. The meme I love that expresses this best is:
If you have nothing in life but a good friend, you are rich.
Proudly, I can say that such is the case with me. Guilty as charged. So. Very. Wealthy.
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#11 October 2022 |
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