Irony.  

 

This chapter could have any number of titles besides the chosen `Closure`.  Irony, Regret, Hope, so on and so on.  It happened to be a song by the group Foreigner that made `Closure` the appropriate choice.  The song title is `Cold as Ice` and one of the lyrics reads…closing the door, you leave the world behind… When I listened to those words (I rarely listen to the lyrics of any song) it reminded me of a 6-word poem I had written earlier in the year, 

 

`ice in her veins was chilling` 

 

I realized I only had two title choices for this chapter, Closure or Irony.  After your read is completed, you make the decision on which one is worthy.

 

In the winter of 2020, I spent two weeks in the Ukraine capitol of Kyiv.  I wrote about these adventures on FS; multiple entries.  I had made the trip to provide therapy from a recent divorce.  The trip was the first Christmas and New Year`s I had spent away from my family, ever.  An unknown world, 8,000 miles away; what could be more remote and perfect. The trip provided airing-out; the getaway successful, however, closure wasn`t attained.  In October of 2021, I made my first trip to Albufeira, Portugal.  My mother had recently passed, I retired from full-time employment, and I had just given the eulogy at my mom`s service.  Once again, I was seeking private time. Unfortunately, no closure.  I have now just concluded a 12-week stay in Albufeira.  The irony is this, I had rented out my home in Chandler, AZ for 12 weeks.  I was moving in with a woman living in Indianapolis, IN where I was born.  She was also the godchild of my parents.  I met her for the first time at my mom`s wake in October of 2021.  It was Kismet!  It turned out that we were so different, Gorilla glue could not have kept us together.  I was in a predicament.  My home was rented, I had nowhere to hide. I returned to Albufeira for its familiarity and my son was finishing his studies in Nice, France.  I could go see Max in Nice and make my daily strolls on the southern coast of Portugal pondering and writing about life.

 

12 weeks pondering and writing about life isn`t all it´s cracked up to be.  I tend to be an introvert, but I do find conversation enjoyable.  I am an animated person by nature, which proved to be an asset in my successful sales career. Customer satisfaction was always my prime objective, plus, I enjoyed the spoils of my efforts.  In a nutshell, I wrote the following:

 

 

Although I did my very best to move on from my divorce, I was failing.  The isolation of freedom in Albufeira was choking me. Some days I would wake up in a state of despair.  It didn`t help that Americans are far and few in this town.  The Brits and Irish ways are fine but don`t appeal to me.  The hometown crowd speaks Portuguese.  I take bus trips to neighboring cities when I tire of retracing the footsteps I`ve traveled through the side streets.

 

I was raised in a large family, 5 sisters and 3 brothers.  My dad lived to be 82 and my mom enjoyed the world for 93.  I cry every time I watch `It`s A Wonderful Life`.  I have 3 wonderful adult children: Jessica, Max and Catherine.  I have an ex-wife I still love.  Family is absolute for me.  My greatest fear is death claiming me without someone being embraced by a love I am capable of providing.  The 36-year voyage taken with Judy was selfish.  I have come to understand what she meant when the term `years of misery` was directed at me.  I have written my heart out asking forgiveness.

 

 

 

Pity is something I don`t offer and abhor receiving.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Having reached out with every fiber in my body to convince Judy to allow me back in her life, the finality of the word `no` has sunk in.  As she expressed, “I am in a good place.  If you really love me, then you will close the door on this chapter of our lives.  Please!”  

 

There is a terribly sad and reflective movie, The Banshees of Inisherin, I strongly recommend its viewing.  The message offered is gut-wrenching and real.  Albufeira has been a blessing for me.  Its stoned streets and pathways echoing life`s adventures, iron maidens providing enchantment, the wonderful cast of characters, and a coastline dazzling in splendor and dreams.  Albufeira has become the perfectly hinged door in my life within a perfectly square jamb.  As I said early on, the mechanics of operating a door are very simple, either push or pull.  I am finally able to pull this door closed.

 

my Albufeira
providing a soulful peace-
I have found closure