| Biographical Non-Fiction posted November 22, 2023 | Chapters: |
2 3 -4- 5... 
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And the dark gets darker. Age 17
A chapter in the book Spectre
The Other World P3
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for violence.
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The author has placed a warning on this post for sexual content.
Slip cover lies innocence lost
Blood and pain to cover the cost
Torn I was from naiveté
knowledge did not set me free
Twist and bind my insides torn.
My greatest wish to not be born
So here I am in stupidity never more shall I be free.
The girl I was will never be me
Again....
***********************************
In those days I was under the stupid impression that if a guy desired me, then he must love me too.
How dumb and naive was that? Hell, I was so naive. Someone asked me how far I've gone I said I walked to the movies once. Another guy patted my ass I turned around and kicked him in his ass!
How am I feeling?
Shame, quilt, sadness and regret. From a world of no love at all, any kindness in my direction won me over.
So much to know, so much to do, so much to understand, I understood nothing. The only thing I knew was pain, survival and how to get away. I shake my head at the stupidity of the time. How easy it was to manipulate me. I blamed myself because I was the only one there.
I knew about pain. I knew about survival. And I knew about having to do what needed to be done. I knew nothing of love to my mind it was a foreign entity.
How am I? Full of trepidation of what I became and what I did to do to come back to myself.
Know what? I think it's time for another walk in the chill.
Be still my shaking hands to write what's coming next.
*****************************
My hands. My hands were numb and it was trickling down my arms.
Someone had tied them to the bed posts. Then I felt hands on my ankles. They too were tied to the bottom bed posts too. I was trying to come to as my mind was singing with warning.
"It's okay honey, I like it this way." The mans voice said. It was K.
I struggled more but I was weak because I was still half drunk.
"Your thirsty." he said. "Drink this." He gave me something that tasted like honey and had a weird chemical aftertaste. "What was that?" I slurred. "Untie me." "Take it easy beautiful, just relax."
I realized I was naked and renewed my struggles which didnt last long. Whatever he gave me made me sluggish then I lost consciousness all together. I woke once to searing pain between my legs. Then I was out again. The next thing I remember is my friend shaking my shoulder.
"C'mon, we gotta go. Cabs on the way."
I groaned and rolled over noticing I was not tied anymore. Glancing beside me I saw K sleeping soundly. A quiet snore emitted from his lips.
Then it all came back. A dull roar between my legs made its presence clear. I scrambled from the bed. K rolled over and grumbled. I waited a moment as he went back to snoring. Quietly I got out of the bed while my friend gathered my clothes. My head was spinning, my body hurting but I was able to quietly shut the bedroom door on my way out. I put on the clothes, my friend helped me as my equilibrium was was sporadic. The cab arrived and we fell in. "We need to get back before my mother does. She'll loose it if I'm not home." I barely registered what she said. My head spun, my mouth was paste combined with a burning pain between my legs.
"What the hell happened?" I asked.
"You got laid, that's what happened." She said.
"What do you mean, I've never been "laid" as you put it before.
"Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" She asked.
"Didn't think I needed to." I replied.
"Let's get you back. You can rest then have a bath when mom goes to work." I fell asleep in the cab and was woke when we arrived. Staggering I went directly into the closet under the stairs and went immediately to sleep.
***
Dreaming.. I was being chased.
It was him...his iron fist followed me as fast as I could run. It pounded on my head while his words flashed through my mind. "Slut, whore, ditch pig, useless witch!" My stepfathers voice echoed through my dreams repeating over and over again while his fist chased me larger than life. The faster I ran the faster he came. Every room. Every door I went to was closed to me. I turned to face him. He rushed up to me and put his hand on my throat squeezing. Harder and harder saying "You don't deserve to live. You don't deserve to live at all. You should die and you should do it right now. Unless you'd rather be my slave. Hahaha!" he roared as his fist descended on my head while his foot kicked me in the stomach.
"C'mon slut, it's time for you to be one."
Lower and lower his face descended to mine. I screamed and my eyes popped open. I started to sob.
I sobbed and I sobbed until I had nothing more left within me. I thought, I'll never be free.
Never....
************************
I cast my mind to that time and know what follows. All that was innocent within me died.
There is no funeral for someone's innocence. There is no reprisal, there is no retribution. There is no give and take. Just simply take. Nothing more.
I know intellectually that what was done was not of my doing. But, I put myself in that place.
I placed myself in that man's arms. I took the drinks. I smoked the weed and drank the drugs he gave me. All because I thought he wanted me and want must be acquainted to love.
Can you say bone head? I must take my mind out of that place now and return to myself. To stay too long could be a trap and I will not risk all I've become to go back there.
Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. I return to myself knowing that these memories are in the past. But they are until I pick them them up and put them in the box with everything else.
And...let it all be done....
Slip cover lies innocence lost
Blood and pain to cover the cost
Torn I was from naiveté
knowledge did not set me free
Twist and bind my insides torn.
My greatest wish to not be born
So here I am in stupidity never more shall I be free.
The girl I was will never be me
Again....
***********************************
In those days I was under the stupid impression that if a guy desired me, then he must love me too.
How dumb and naive was that? Hell, I was so naive. Someone asked me how far I've gone I said I walked to the movies once. Another guy patted my ass I turned around and kicked him in his ass!
How am I feeling?
Shame, quilt, sadness and regret. From a world of no love at all, any kindness in my direction won me over.
So much to know, so much to do, so much to understand, I understood nothing. The only thing I knew was pain, survival and how to get away. I shake my head at the stupidity of the time. How easy it was to manipulate me. I blamed myself because I was the only one there.
I knew about pain. I knew about survival. And I knew about having to do what needed to be done. I knew nothing of love to my mind it was a foreign entity.
How am I? Full of trepidation of what I became and what I did to do to come back to myself.
Know what? I think it's time for another walk in the chill.
Be still my shaking hands to write what's coming next.
*****************************
My hands. My hands were numb and it was trickling down my arms.
Someone had tied them to the bed posts. Then I felt hands on my ankles. They too were tied to the bottom bed posts too. I was trying to come to as my mind was singing with warning.
"It's okay honey, I like it this way." The mans voice said. It was K.
I struggled more but I was weak because I was still half drunk.
"Your thirsty." he said. "Drink this." He gave me something that tasted like honey and had a weird chemical aftertaste. "What was that?" I slurred. "Untie me." "Take it easy beautiful, just relax."
I realized I was naked and renewed my struggles which didnt last long. Whatever he gave me made me sluggish then I lost consciousness all together. I woke once to searing pain between my legs. Then I was out again. The next thing I remember is my friend shaking my shoulder.
"C'mon, we gotta go. Cabs on the way."
I groaned and rolled over noticing I was not tied anymore. Glancing beside me I saw K sleeping soundly. A quiet snore emitted from his lips.
Then it all came back. A dull roar between my legs made its presence clear. I scrambled from the bed. K rolled over and grumbled. I waited a moment as he went back to snoring. Quietly I got out of the bed while my friend gathered my clothes. My head was spinning, my body hurting but I was able to quietly shut the bedroom door on my way out. I put on the clothes, my friend helped me as my equilibrium was was sporadic. The cab arrived and we fell in. "We need to get back before my mother does. She'll loose it if I'm not home." I barely registered what she said. My head spun, my mouth was paste combined with a burning pain between my legs.
"What the hell happened?" I asked.
"You got laid, that's what happened." She said.
"What do you mean, I've never been "laid" as you put it before.
"Why didn't you tell me you were a virgin?" She asked.
"Didn't think I needed to." I replied.
"Let's get you back. You can rest then have a bath when mom goes to work." I fell asleep in the cab and was woke when we arrived. Staggering I went directly into the closet under the stairs and went immediately to sleep.
***
Dreaming.. I was being chased.
It was him...his iron fist followed me as fast as I could run. It pounded on my head while his words flashed through my mind. "Slut, whore, ditch pig, useless witch!" My stepfathers voice echoed through my dreams repeating over and over again while his fist chased me larger than life. The faster I ran the faster he came. Every room. Every door I went to was closed to me. I turned to face him. He rushed up to me and put his hand on my throat squeezing. Harder and harder saying "You don't deserve to live. You don't deserve to live at all. You should die and you should do it right now. Unless you'd rather be my slave. Hahaha!" he roared as his fist descended on my head while his foot kicked me in the stomach.
"C'mon slut, it's time for you to be one."
Lower and lower his face descended to mine. I screamed and my eyes popped open. I started to sob.
I sobbed and I sobbed until I had nothing more left within me. I thought, I'll never be free.
Never....
************************
I cast my mind to that time and know what follows. All that was innocent within me died.
There is no funeral for someone's innocence. There is no reprisal, there is no retribution. There is no give and take. Just simply take. Nothing more.
I know intellectually that what was done was not of my doing. But, I put myself in that place.
I placed myself in that man's arms. I took the drinks. I smoked the weed and drank the drugs he gave me. All because I thought he wanted me and want must be acquainted to love.
Can you say bone head? I must take my mind out of that place now and return to myself. To stay too long could be a trap and I will not risk all I've become to go back there.
Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. I return to myself knowing that these memories are in the past. But they are until I pick them them up and put them in the box with everything else.
And...let it all be done....
The story is from an auto bio called Specter book 2 of the series. Book one is called Ghost and can be accessed through my portfolio. If you wish to read. Please note, some chapters are difficult to absorb. Reader discretion is advised.
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