| Biographical Non-Fiction posted January 6, 2024 | Chapters: |
...32 33 -34- 35... 
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Hearts break in spite of ourselves.
A chapter in the book Spectre
Synopsis - Evidence Revealed 1
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
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The deep dark maw, once so familiar to me opened up under my feet once again. I knew reality in words was going to come up and smack me in the head and here it is. all my life I never knew I was doomed.
I saw things through a child's eyes, the one who hopes, the one who loves, and the one who can't understand why. I still don't understand why.
I don't need to go into everything I found in the paperwork but I will pull out some telling quotes. proof in my face of everything I already know. I was telling the truth. Everything I knew instinctually and with the clues along the way, pointed me to one conclusion and I really did not want to be right, but here it is in my face. The first thing I read, of course, was the letter that came with the document copies. the first line that said and I quote,
'some information has been withheld pursuant to section 15 (disclosure harmful to law enforcement). information that has been withheld are stamped at the bottom of the page corresponding with the section stamp.'
A person like myself knowing what I know and reading this right away, that it's the first thing they tell me, rings major bells for me. So much has been redacted and omitted from this paperwork, but it leaves me enough to follow the trail and enough for lawyers to demand all the information required.
the quotes that kill me on a personal level, I should give as they also corroborate what I'm trying to say to the world.
May 1974, mothers (whom I shall refer to as J for quoting purposes) opinion of me as her oldest child. I was ten and I quote,
'J describes Lea as being a very unlikable child. she states that she whines, yells, screams and nags. She describes her as a very distant child with no friends. bosses other children around and cannot play with them. J states that she feels that she is the Queen of Sheba. J still finds her quite annoying and states that she often acts like a baby and engages in baby talk. her personal habits are poor and she won't bathe for a week and consequently the children call her 'stinky.'
'She expressed zero love. Her affection towards me was zero. She did not want me from day one.
If we were dirty it was because of her, not because of us, we're allowed a bath once a week and we three girls shared the water how clean are you going to stay?
All of this she blamed on us. me in particular, the ones she showed no love for, who showed no interest in our lives at all, ever. She resented me the most, It was a general distaste of us apparent in the next combined quotes.
J expresses expectations of Lea that she cannot keep given her age. J is definitely giving the children too much responsibility. this responsibility could be handled if she were to involve herself in it. Her expectations J has of the children are too high and she will have to mellow these along with becoming more involved in the past and chores that she assigns the children. She gives the children chores to do, but not does not step in and help them or give them very much in the way of instruction. it would seem that anything that she dislikes doing around the home ie: house cleaning, is being delegated to the children. the children should all be happy and have good tasks too.
J sees the children as making a mess that she has to clear up.
J is not engaged in such basic chores as even getting the children up and ready for school. She leaves the home very early in the morning and leaves this responsibility to H. J has few positive things to say or do toward the children and their presence in the home. Julie is not able to relax with the children. She can't play with them or engage in normal conversation. Most of the conversation consists of orders and instructions. J's hostility towards the children is quite apparent. She fills her role as the domineering, demanding mother, laying very high expectations on her children. She presses them to do things in her way. She is not openly demonstrative or giving to her children and consequently the children do not return openly or giving to her, she therefore sees them as being cold, withdrawn children. The children go from this reserved attitude out into the community where they are unable to meet and to make friends. They either overreact and become too demonstrative which turns off other children or they're very obtuse and lay demands on the other children as the mother does on themselves.
I'm not going to write every quote from every report. suffice to say it contains much more of the same about a disinterested mother at best. a nagging screaming abusive one at worst. now these three depressed girls that have a mother like this were sitting in a hallway outside of an office waiting to see the social worker and my mother says and I quote,
'if you tell them what he does, they'll take him away then who will pay the bills.'
I've Taken all that information and I compared it to a report in the stack of reports that says one of my mother's wishes were that we children would stop fighting, tattletailing, yelling, screaming, being depressed, distant, sad and acting out or lack of hygiene or lack of manners or lack of any fundamentals that should be taught to us by our mother, take all that and then add this:
I could feel the pressure around me, squeezing my chest and pushing the air from my lungs. my breathing became fast and I was unable to take complete full breaths.
I started to whine and cry quietly behind my hands and hope he didn't come in the room, hope he didn't hear me. I saw the handle turned slowly on the door....it quietly swung open allowing the hallway light to cast upon me. I knew he was moving closer to my bed even hiding under the sheet, I still knew he was there staring at me deciding what to do. He settled for dragging me and my sisters down the stairs one punch at a time into the kitchen where my mother sat. Someone had lied you see and at two in the morning, he was going to find out who did it and he's going to find out in the worst way possible. by the inflicting of pain on a 10-year-old and 9 year old and a 5 year old. His fist flew and connected with our heads multiple times throughout the night while we tried to comply with his clean up demands and who had lied. While he hit my sister's I could hear the cry and the thump of the knuckle upon their skulls. The great fear, anger and frustration pent up in my little body and there was nothing I could do. We went without food that day as we did for many days. Stomach's emptied, blood poured children cried...and died.
We're forced to lie to social services, then they dragged us out of bed in the night so they could punish us for lying.
oh my God what a trap they set for us and the pain of it is excruciating.
Social services so woefully under trained did not detect or make the connection in any way whatsoever even though it was glaring and came out the end of their own pens thAt we were,in fact being severely abusedm Include the involvement of my grandmother delaying and detaining, (yes, all those reports are there) the involvement kept the wheel of abuse going round and round.
I wanted to show what we started with before the men, before all the beatings, and then carried on even worse when the men started coming in and out of our lives.
as I said, doomed.
They wanted lives...they took ours.
What chance would we have? What chance did we have?
there's only one thing I did have. Anger, fight, brains. gifts from God. They hated me the most and showed it daily. I did most of the work, I took most of the beatings and most of the other myriad nasty punishments they could come up with.
I needed every ounce of God given strength I had to get away.
the foundations of childhood were set for failure. I can only say that I have enough records of all of it. All I've said and saying. even with all the missing amounts of paperwork that they have chosen to keep back (I know my family's involved in that) I have enough to move forward. This is the time now to be careful, more careful than I've ever been in my life. Every move has to calculated and smart and cannot be emotionally motivated. So here I am my fan story friends giving it to you because I know I can...
For a while I'll wear the identity they gave me. I'll wear the idea of me portrayed.
I'll be the spectre in my own life....
The deep dark maw, once so familiar to me opened up under my feet once again. I knew reality in words was going to come up and smack me in the head and here it is. all my life I never knew I was doomed.
I saw things through a child's eyes, the one who hopes, the one who loves, and the one who can't understand why. I still don't understand why.
I don't need to go into everything I found in the paperwork but I will pull out some telling quotes. proof in my face of everything I already know. I was telling the truth. Everything I knew instinctually and with the clues along the way, pointed me to one conclusion and I really did not want to be right, but here it is in my face. The first thing I read, of course, was the letter that came with the document copies. the first line that said and I quote,
'some information has been withheld pursuant to section 15 (disclosure harmful to law enforcement). information that has been withheld are stamped at the bottom of the page corresponding with the section stamp.'
A person like myself knowing what I know and reading this right away, that it's the first thing they tell me, rings major bells for me. So much has been redacted and omitted from this paperwork, but it leaves me enough to follow the trail and enough for lawyers to demand all the information required.
the quotes that kill me on a personal level, I should give as they also corroborate what I'm trying to say to the world.
May 1974, mothers (whom I shall refer to as J for quoting purposes) opinion of me as her oldest child. I was ten and I quote,
'J describes Lea as being a very unlikable child. she states that she whines, yells, screams and nags. She describes her as a very distant child with no friends. bosses other children around and cannot play with them. J states that she feels that she is the Queen of Sheba. J still finds her quite annoying and states that she often acts like a baby and engages in baby talk. her personal habits are poor and she won't bathe for a week and consequently the children call her 'stinky.'
'She expressed zero love. Her affection towards me was zero. She did not want me from day one.
If we were dirty it was because of her, not because of us, we're allowed a bath once a week and we three girls shared the water how clean are you going to stay?
All of this she blamed on us. me in particular, the ones she showed no love for, who showed no interest in our lives at all, ever. She resented me the most, It was a general distaste of us apparent in the next combined quotes.
J expresses expectations of Lea that she cannot keep given her age. J is definitely giving the children too much responsibility. this responsibility could be handled if she were to involve herself in it. Her expectations J has of the children are too high and she will have to mellow these along with becoming more involved in the past and chores that she assigns the children. She gives the children chores to do, but not does not step in and help them or give them very much in the way of instruction. it would seem that anything that she dislikes doing around the home ie: house cleaning, is being delegated to the children. the children should all be happy and have good tasks too.
J sees the children as making a mess that she has to clear up.
J is not engaged in such basic chores as even getting the children up and ready for school. She leaves the home very early in the morning and leaves this responsibility to H. J has few positive things to say or do toward the children and their presence in the home. Julie is not able to relax with the children. She can't play with them or engage in normal conversation. Most of the conversation consists of orders and instructions. J's hostility towards the children is quite apparent. She fills her role as the domineering, demanding mother, laying very high expectations on her children. She presses them to do things in her way. She is not openly demonstrative or giving to her children and consequently the children do not return openly or giving to her, she therefore sees them as being cold, withdrawn children. The children go from this reserved attitude out into the community where they are unable to meet and to make friends. They either overreact and become too demonstrative which turns off other children or they're very obtuse and lay demands on the other children as the mother does on themselves.
I'm not going to write every quote from every report. suffice to say it contains much more of the same about a disinterested mother at best. a nagging screaming abusive one at worst. now these three depressed girls that have a mother like this were sitting in a hallway outside of an office waiting to see the social worker and my mother says and I quote,
'if you tell them what he does, they'll take him away then who will pay the bills.'
I've Taken all that information and I compared it to a report in the stack of reports that says one of my mother's wishes were that we children would stop fighting, tattletailing, yelling, screaming, being depressed, distant, sad and acting out or lack of hygiene or lack of manners or lack of any fundamentals that should be taught to us by our mother, take all that and then add this:
I could feel the pressure around me, squeezing my chest and pushing the air from my lungs. my breathing became fast and I was unable to take complete full breaths.
I started to whine and cry quietly behind my hands and hope he didn't come in the room, hope he didn't hear me. I saw the handle turned slowly on the door....it quietly swung open allowing the hallway light to cast upon me. I knew he was moving closer to my bed even hiding under the sheet, I still knew he was there staring at me deciding what to do. He settled for dragging me and my sisters down the stairs one punch at a time into the kitchen where my mother sat. Someone had lied you see and at two in the morning, he was going to find out who did it and he's going to find out in the worst way possible. by the inflicting of pain on a 10-year-old and 9 year old and a 5 year old. His fist flew and connected with our heads multiple times throughout the night while we tried to comply with his clean up demands and who had lied. While he hit my sister's I could hear the cry and the thump of the knuckle upon their skulls. The great fear, anger and frustration pent up in my little body and there was nothing I could do. We went without food that day as we did for many days. Stomach's emptied, blood poured children cried...and died.
We're forced to lie to social services, then they dragged us out of bed in the night so they could punish us for lying.
oh my God what a trap they set for us and the pain of it is excruciating.
Social services so woefully under trained did not detect or make the connection in any way whatsoever even though it was glaring and came out the end of their own pens thAt we were,in fact being severely abusedm Include the involvement of my grandmother delaying and detaining, (yes, all those reports are there) the involvement kept the wheel of abuse going round and round.
I wanted to show what we started with before the men, before all the beatings, and then carried on even worse when the men started coming in and out of our lives.
as I said, doomed.
They wanted lives...they took ours.
What chance would we have? What chance did we have?
there's only one thing I did have. Anger, fight, brains. gifts from God. They hated me the most and showed it daily. I did most of the work, I took most of the beatings and most of the other myriad nasty punishments they could come up with.
I needed every ounce of God given strength I had to get away.
the foundations of childhood were set for failure. I can only say that I have enough records of all of it. All I've said and saying. even with all the missing amounts of paperwork that they have chosen to keep back (I know my family's involved in that) I have enough to move forward. This is the time now to be careful, more careful than I've ever been in my life. Every move has to calculated and smart and cannot be emotionally motivated. So here I am my fan story friends giving it to you because I know I can...
For a while I'll wear the identity they gave me. I'll wear the idea of me portrayed.
I'll be the spectre in my own life....
The synopsis is part of a story called Spectre. Book two in a trilogy book one is called Ghost. Both can be found in my portfolio if you wish to read. A note of caution, some chapters are hard to digest.
Reader discretion is advised.
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