I Think Of You
All year long...4 total reviews
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
With iambic pentameter in a sort of extended sonnet form, this is a pretty strong contest competitor and will likely resonate with a lot of folks. The meter is mostly pretty consistent, with a couple small opportunities to improve it, as detailed below. In general, you want to accent nouns and verbs rather than adjectives.
when everything comes up warm, fresh, and green. <= accented as: "when EV-ery-THING comes UP warm FRESH and GREEN, however spoken naturally, the accent would be on COMES rather than on UP. So consider replacing "comes up" with something like: "arrives"
the snowy brisk winds make me feel alive. <= natural accent should fall on WINDS rather than BRISK. Perhaps try something like: "the winter blizzards", "the sharpened snowflakes". There are tons of possibilities.
Though dark clouds gathered, soon a storm would rage, <= accent should be on "clouds" rather than "dark". Try: where clouds are gathered
recalling your warmth always helped me thrive. <= accent should be on WARMTH, not YOUR. Try: recalled caresses, remembered presence
Hope this is helpful to you. Thanks for the read.
🦍
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2025
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With iambic pentameter in a sort of extended sonnet form, this is a pretty strong contest competitor and will likely resonate with a lot of folks. The meter is mostly pretty consistent, with a couple small opportunities to improve it, as detailed below. In general, you want to accent nouns and verbs rather than adjectives.
when everything comes up warm, fresh, and green. <= accented as: "when EV-ery-THING comes UP warm FRESH and GREEN, however spoken naturally, the accent would be on COMES rather than on UP. So consider replacing "comes up" with something like: "arrives"
the snowy brisk winds make me feel alive. <= natural accent should fall on WINDS rather than BRISK. Perhaps try something like: "the winter blizzards", "the sharpened snowflakes". There are tons of possibilities.
Though dark clouds gathered, soon a storm would rage, <= accent should be on "clouds" rather than "dark". Try: where clouds are gathered
recalling your warmth always helped me thrive. <= accent should be on WARMTH, not YOUR. Try: recalled caresses, remembered presence
Hope this is helpful to you. Thanks for the read.
🦍
Comment Written 01-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2025
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Thank you for all your great advice and for this nice review...both are very appreciated. :)
Comment from F. William Lester
I like your use of the seasons as metaphors for your the depth of your
subject's feelings. A very painful loss. Thanks for sharing it and good luck. Be well.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2025
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I like your use of the seasons as metaphors for your the depth of your
subject's feelings. A very painful loss. Thanks for sharing it and good luck. Be well.
Comment Written 31-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2025
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Thank you so much, l really appreciate it. :)
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My pleasure.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Aw. I am sorry. This sounds as sweet as a honeybee's honey but then again as raw as winter's blustery gusts. Seem the nerves remain tender, reddened y exposure, perhaps a long time ago.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2025
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Aw. I am sorry. This sounds as sweet as a honeybee's honey but then again as raw as winter's blustery gusts. Seem the nerves remain tender, reddened y exposure, perhaps a long time ago.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2025
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Thank you for great review, I really appreciate it. :)
Comment from Iza Deleanu
This so beautiful you have a winner here I particularly like this stanza :My memories of you won't let love end,
though you have left, and with you went my heart.
Each season comes around and I pretend,
you love me still, so I don't fall apart. " Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2025
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This so beautiful you have a winner here I particularly like this stanza :My memories of you won't let love end,
though you have left, and with you went my heart.
Each season comes around and I pretend,
you love me still, so I don't fall apart. " Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings and the contest.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2025
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Thank you so much for this thoughtful review, it made my day. :)
