Comment from Wendy G

Excellent

They are certainly serious about the benefits to the world if they continue - and so are the others about preventing their success. One hopes that security guard really did disable the device and not just plant it elsewhere. Very well written. The idea of a place to hide someone makes me worry about their little boy.
Wendy

 Comment Written 14-Mar-2025

---

reply by the author on 15-Mar-2025

Thanks so much, Wendy. I love your instincts here. You're picking up well on the clues.

Comment from Debbie D'Arcy

Excellent

I must say, I think Julia is being remarkably brave and stoic about it all, especially given the worry there might be for Johnny's safety. Should she be having a bit more of a wobble of confidence/more understandable emotion or a thought that she should move out, even if it is only short-lived? But I can understand you want to maintain the pace and not veer off too much. This is another information-packed chapter. I was interested to know where the camera was hidden and I'm glad it wasn't too obviously on the car. Altogether an excellent read, always faultless and enjoyable with these clearly defined characters. Well done, Jim! Take care Debbie

 Comment Written 14-Mar-2025

---

reply by the author on 15-Mar-2025

Thanks for your very perceptive take on things, Debbie. Spot-on with your analysis, as usual. Yes, I could have Julia be a lot more wobbly here, and perhaps that would be more realistic, but you're right about the disruption to the unrelenting pace that is beginning now and will carry through to the end.

Comment from LJbutterfly

Excellent

The way Julia and Marie were tracked to the park was pretty clever on your part, Dana had a really good idea for a way to help Rudy find out how Brian's phase-2 was progressing. Now, what action will Rudy take? The next chapters will be interesting.

 Comment Written 14-Mar-2025

---

reply by the author on 15-Mar-2025

Thanks, Lorraine. This was the beginning of the long climax to the story, and you'll see the direction it will go in the next chapter.

Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

And the plot develops.
"Roger that. - Caught me off guard with that. Almost like June Cleaver saying the 'F' word. Maybe - gotcha, alrightee then, duly noted...
...did your bodyguards ever find the source of the surveillance that led them to the park where Julia and the baby were?" - an example of wordiness. Readers (and especially Fran) knew that Julia and the baby were at the park, where the sentence could have ended.
...then follow her." - another example of something readers would assume.
Best wishes.


This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 14-Mar-2025

---

reply by the author on 15-Mar-2025

I'm still okay with "Roger that," but I completely agree with your other two suggestions, and shortened those two places, Wayne. Thanks!

Let me ask you: When you edit your own writing, do you go back over it and look for ways to shorten what you've said as part of your editing? Believe it or not, this is something I do with my own stuff, but obviously, I messed up here. You ought to see it before I edit it down! (Smiley face here.)

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

A well written chapter. Things are moving along, and Dana is doing good in her scam.

notes:

I slept in {this} morning since I didn't really have to be at Fran's until 6:00 PM.

-Should it be: that

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 14-Mar-2025

---

reply by the author on 15-Mar-2025

Thanks, Lance. You brought up an interesting point with your question about "this" vs "that." I think it should be "this" because the three blank lines before the paragraph indicate a passage of time, so we are in the next day now in the timeframe of the story, which is the present. This story is taking place in real time (despite the use of past tense) as opposed to being a retelling from some future time.

You can tell a current story in either past or present tense. The majority of writers have traditionally used past tense to tell a story, even a current one, but a number of them, especially today, use present tense to tell a current action story. They feel it gives more of a sense of immediacy to tell it in present tense and places the reader in the midst of the action, but I'm not sure I agree with that. It seems a little odd to me. Are they speaking into a microphone narrating what they're doing while they're doing it?

"I enter the store and pick out three items. While I'm paying the cashier, I notice the perp entering the store. He sees me and goes for his gun..."

versus:

"I entered the store and picked out three items. While I was paying the cashier, I noticed the perp enter the store. He saw me and went for his gun..."

Here, the protagonist is telling the story a little while later, as if talking to a friend. We don't really know how much time later, but presumably the same day for a present day story--kind of like writing in a diary what just happened that day. To me, this seems a more natural way to tell a story.

But either way works. It's just a matter of personal preference.