Comment from Wendy G

Exceptional

A gripping and heart wrenching chapter. A little point, but a baby as young as Johnny wouldn't use a normal asthma inhaler, the medication would be administered through a mask. Small detail though. Yes, I guessed one of those security guys would be the one to d9 the kidnapping, even though they were screened. The drama now is extreme. How to locate the baby when they have little or no idea where to begin looking. Looking forward to your next chapter.
Wendy

 Comment Written 18-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks so much, Wendy. For those 6 stars too. Yes, you're about the only one who did guess it would be a bodyguard who would betray them. He looked fine on the screening because he hadn't been turned yet. You'll find out eventually how that happened.

Brian only gave Fran a backup inhaler since the spacer was in the diaper bag, which will also be made clear later. You're right that the inhaler alone doesn't work so well on a baby (as we will also see later).

Comment from Pam Lonsdale

Excellent

A couple of times you use the phrase, "See you soon," to end a phone call. I don't think people would bother with that nicety in a tense situation like this.

I have to say, I wasn't expecting a kidnapping, but what better way to get Brian's attention. I think their ultimate punishment should be to lock the kidnappers in a house with Marie and let her go to town on them:-)

Well, now I can't wait to see what happens next! Good chapter.

xo

 Comment Written 18-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks, Pam. Yes, I felt a threat to the baby's life (or Julia's) might be the best way to get Brian to stop.

Did you notice how I switched from first person to third person for this chapter (and the rest of them to the end of the story)? Since all the characters are in place now, and I will be doing a lot of switching between them fairly rapidly, it didn't make sense to continue with first person.

Just curious: In your writing classes and groups, have you heard of the term "free indirect discourse?"

reply by Pam Lonsdale on 18-Mar-2025

I've never heard of free direct discourse before.

I can't say I noticed the switch in narrative, but I read so much in third, I wonder if it just seemed natural. I'm sure I would have eventually.

reply by the author on 19-Mar-2025

Writing a novel in third person is new to me. I've written a few short stories in third person, but never a novel. When you write in first person, the main character and the narrator are the same person, so it's easy to write the internal thoughts of the main character.

But in third person, how do you write the internal thoughts of the characters? You can use italics, which are fine for brief thoughts but are distracting when they are frequent and lengthy. I researched it a little, and the best way to do it is through free indirect discourse which is a fancy name for seamlessly merging the character's thoughts into the narrative. You don't need speech tags such as "he thought" and you don't need italics or quotation marks as some inexperienced writers use, which make it look like they are talking out loud to themselves.

Here's an example of it:

She stared at the empty street. Why hadn't he come? He promised, didn't he? But promises were just words, weren't they?

It's much more engaging than if it had been written like:

She stared at the empty street and wondered why he hadn't come. He had promised he would, at least she thought he did. But promises were just words, she mused.

I will be attempting to use this technique more. It's great in situations where the character has time to think about what's happening, but it doesn't lend itself well to strict action scenes where this sort of thing might disrupt the flow of the action. It could get annoying to have everything analyzed like this.

reply by Pam Lonsdale on 19-Mar-2025

Jim, thank you for taking the time to give me this information. I'm going to look through some of my course materials from previous classes to see if there is anything there, and Google it myself. I'm always looking for a new way to tell a story:-)

reply by the author on 19-Mar-2025

I listened to a couple of YouTube videos about it. It's apparently not very new, as authors such as Jane Austen, James Joyce, and Tolstoy used it effectively in their novels.

It's a challenge to do well, but it's really good when it is.

Comment from lancellot

Excellent

Well, things coincidentally happened too. As always, it's your story. I do think you should look this chapter over again during your rewrites stage. You don't want your characters acting like the scientists in an Aliens movie.

notes:

Jesus, what a prickly bastard. Alright, so be it, as long as he gets the job done.
- Are these Rudy's thoughts? Is this chapter from Rudy's POV?

Fran said, "I'm going to call Brian.
-Um, wouldn't that have been the first thing they did? or her FBI friends would've called Brian or sent agents to the house the same time they called Fran.

"Ah, you're right. Sorry about that. I'll just turn around up here {at this abandoned gas station.}"
-That last part doesn't sound natural.

A similar charge passed into her, and the two startled women passed out immediately.
-maybe go with a drug. Taser don't knock people out. Too many police videos out now, and most people have seen perps get tased.

I've gotta call Brian and tell him.
-No, she is FBI. She calls for back-up or the cops to canvas the area for the car or trace the call, or a chopper.

"Fran, they took Johnny. They must have tased me and Mother. When we came to, Johnny was gone. His car seat and diaper bag too. Fran, it was Woody who tased me."

-What? They let two witnesses to a major (twenty year) felony go.

 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks for your detailed and thoughtful comments, Lance. Much appreciated. Police procedural is not my forte, as you can tell. I wasn't quite certain what you were referring to in your last comment, though. Could you elaborate?

reply by lancellot on 18-Mar-2025

Why would Woody (and the others) let the ladies go? Wouldn't get at least (if lucky) 20 years in prison for kidnapping a child and assaulting the two women.

Ps: Were there clues to Woody's betrayal?

reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

I see what you're saying now. Plotwise, that wouldn't have worked very well.

I guess the biggest clue was that scene in the park that you criticized for being unreal. Woody was in on that.

Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary

Excellent

Jim,

Wow that was a pretty exciting chapter. Damn Woody, what a sleaze bag he turned out to be. I'm sure Julia and Brian are beside themselves with the baby being kidnapped.

Great job

Cecilia

 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks so much, Cecilia. Yes, this was Brian and Julia's worst nightmare and will certainly give them second thoughts about their decision to continue with the testing.

Comment from patcelaw

Excellent

This writing is very well done and it is a pleasure to listen to the words that you have used in your story. They flow very well you're sentence structure and your paragraphing are very good and it makes for the listener a very pleasant experience. Patricia.

 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks so much, Patricia. I appreciate your remarks very much.

Comment from Mrs Anna Howard

Excellent

Oh man! I'm going to have to go back and read all the previous 44 chapters one of these days. I love pharma drama! Use kidnapping for the boss to call off the phase 2 trials? That's a very interesting plot line which I hope doesn't start giving people ideas lol (I work in pharma too!). Interesting and engaging story that makes me want to go back and read the whole thing.

 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks very much, Anna. I'm glad you enjoyed it. You came in on one of the more exciting chapters in the story. We're at the beginning of the climax now with only 6 chapters to go.

Comment from Michael Ludwinder

Excellent

Wow, your story is full of tension! I was completely pulled in from the start. And the pacing kept me on edge the whole time. The way you wrote Julia's fear felt so real - especially her worry about Johnny's asthma. The dialogue is natural . And that twist with Woody was perfect.
I can't wait to see what happens next. You've got something gripping here!

 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks very much, Michael. I appreciate your kind comments. I'll be maintaining this pace for a while now as we make our way to the climax of the story.

Comment from Wayne Fowler

Excellent

Error-free as near as I can tell.
Of course I wouldn't talk so much, but that's me (example: "Look, are you about done eating? We've gotta get out of here now and go to Brian's house. I'm just going to leave $50 on the table. We've gotta go." --- me: "Let's go!" Fran tossed $50 on the table and ran, expecting Dana to follow.

 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

I guess Fran is as verbose as I am! : )

I like your suggestion and will shorten it. Thanks!

Comment from lyenochka

Excellent

Well this was a heart-thumping chapter! I didn't think Woody would have done that because you showed us how caring and protective he was and how the family trusted him. It does make sense that someone like that would be able to pull off the kidnapping.

One suggestion:
I heard the baby start crying (I'd use Johnny's name because family members typically refer to everyone by their name and not "the baby" but that's just a personal reaction to the reference. Now the kidnappers would call him "the baby")

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 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks so much, Helen. I guess everyone has a price.

I think you're right about "the baby" and changed it. Thanks!

Comment from Iza Deleanu

Excellent

Wow, kidnapping live, that is sensational, hopefully the culprits will be caught and charged, and the victims returned. This was a very dynamic chapter, action being the leading game. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.

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 Comment Written 17-Mar-2025

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reply by the author on 18-Mar-2025

Thanks very much, Iza. This was one of the more action-filled chapters in the story, and I've decided to go with third person for the remainder of the story because I want the climax to be seen from many points of view.