Emerald Isle
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Second Course"Invitation to Paradise
20 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Dear Ulla, you build the tension up intriguingly here and I can imagine the awkwardness and curiosity at first as the various individuals wonder about what they're doing there. As so often happens when no explanation is forthcoming, suspicion takes over. I love that final sentence and the hook that ensures excellent anticipation for the next chapter. Well done, Ulla. Take care Debbie xos
when everyone cut into (delete 'to') the succulent chicken
a man who was used to be(ing) in charge
Peter Langdon asked (no comma) the oldest in the group
a man who didn't (suffer) fools (gladly)
Do you know what( delete 's) all this is about
whispered to Jake (.)
bad feeling about it all(,)" (he) said
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Dear Ulla, you build the tension up intriguingly here and I can imagine the awkwardness and curiosity at first as the various individuals wonder about what they're doing there. As so often happens when no explanation is forthcoming, suspicion takes over. I love that final sentence and the hook that ensures excellent anticipation for the next chapter. Well done, Ulla. Take care Debbie xos
when everyone cut into (delete 'to') the succulent chicken
a man who was used to be(ing) in charge
Peter Langdon asked (no comma) the oldest in the group
a man who didn't (suffer) fools (gladly)
Do you know what( delete 's) all this is about
whispered to Jake (.)
bad feeling about it all(,)" (he) said
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
Comment from Mistydawn
A strange invitation to dinner, hmm. That's mysterious all in itself. Your chapter is well-written, realistic, very intriguing. I look forward to reading more.
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A strange invitation to dinner, hmm. That's mysterious all in itself. Your chapter is well-written, realistic, very intriguing. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your chapter builds suspense beautifully! The tension at the dinner table is so well done. Max is especially interesting. I can't wait to find out his true role in all of this. The shift from curiosity to suspicion is so well done. And ending with dessert being served makes it feel like the calm before the storm. This is shaping up to be a gripping book!
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Your chapter builds suspense beautifully! The tension at the dinner table is so well done. Max is especially interesting. I can't wait to find out his true role in all of this. The shift from curiosity to suspicion is so well done. And ending with dessert being served makes it feel like the calm before the storm. This is shaping up to be a gripping book!
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
Comment from lyenochka
This mystery still remains but at least the group seems to be getting to know one another better. Seems that Max may be the one who is in charge of the whole journey.
Noone seems to know who sent the invite to them (No one)
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This mystery still remains but at least the group seems to be getting to know one another better. Seems that Max may be the one who is in charge of the whole journey.
Noone seems to know who sent the invite to them (No one)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this addition with us. I enjoyed reding and can't wait to read more.
"Or maybe It would be more correct to say that I don't, but I'm sure, Peter, you're about to tell us." (it)
. I'm beginning to have a bad feeling about it all." He said in a low whisper, hoping not (all," he said)
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Thank you for sharing this addition with us. I enjoyed reding and can't wait to read more.
"Or maybe It would be more correct to say that I don't, but I'm sure, Peter, you're about to tell us." (it)
. I'm beginning to have a bad feeling about it all." He said in a low whisper, hoping not (all," he said)
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
Comment from Kirsten Shonle
I liked how this was set at a table in a restaurant. IT is a believable scene. There were some great descriptions here. There was the right combination of dialogue and the descriptions. The only complaint is the font is too small.
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I liked how this was set at a table in a restaurant. IT is a believable scene. There were some great descriptions here. There was the right combination of dialogue and the descriptions. The only complaint is the font is too small.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
Hi author, you have an interesting chapter with some promising details. It reminds me of some film I saw recently with Ralph Feinnes as the chef at some island culinary destination thing.
Here are some thoughts on your chapter to hopefully amp it up a little.
the deafening silence had become as loud as a thunderclap <= this is not a great analogy because thunderclaps are single, percussive sounds and silences exist over a period of time. A waterfall would be a more apt analogy, but that would be a weird and distracting thing to write here, so I'd probably just stick with a cliche like "the silence was deafening" or better, avoid such cliches and analogies and make up your own thing, like "the sounds of stainless steel cutlery sawing through soft sinew, scraping porcelain plates, was the only conversation to be heard." (You're welcome to steal that line if you want.) I loved your description of the chicken of succulent btw.
The dynamic that had ruled the table only a few minutes ago had all but gone <= I'm not sure you really need this sentence. It may be redundant. I'd have to see the previous chapter. If you keep it, "gone" is a boring word. Try "dissipated".
"Anyone would like some real red wine?" <= normal people ask "WOULD ANYONE like" etc. but maybe Mark is an ESL weirdo?
and made the order for the drinks <= MADE is a weird word here. Say instead: PLACED the order.
Do you know who owns this place <= well if you take my previous suggestion, you'll now have three uses of "place" in a row so maybe you can do some substitutions, for variety
mid seventies <= should have a hyphen: mid-seventies
Everything about him said he was a man who was used to be in charge <= "said" feels weird. Try: every detail about him [showed/revealed/bore resemblance to] a man who was etc.
Cassidy whispered to Jake <= missing a period
I'm beginning to have a bad feeling about it all." <= end on a comma since you're connecting it to a sentence afterwards, which is currently a fragment
were studying the remains of their chicken pieces as if they were a specimen <= singular/plural incongruence: pieces (plural), a specimen (singular). Change to "as if they were specimens"
This was exactly what he wanted. The whole atmosphere around the table had changed from one of curiosity to suspicion and heading towards animosity. <= Ditch this. Inner dialogue detracts from intrigue and slows your pacing
Characters: place this section either in your notes, or up in the header, not at the end
Thanks for the read, and now I'm intrigued by this writing project. Ping me back if you make edits so I can revisit the rating!
Best regards,
🦍
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2025
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Hi author, you have an interesting chapter with some promising details. It reminds me of some film I saw recently with Ralph Feinnes as the chef at some island culinary destination thing.
Here are some thoughts on your chapter to hopefully amp it up a little.
the deafening silence had become as loud as a thunderclap <= this is not a great analogy because thunderclaps are single, percussive sounds and silences exist over a period of time. A waterfall would be a more apt analogy, but that would be a weird and distracting thing to write here, so I'd probably just stick with a cliche like "the silence was deafening" or better, avoid such cliches and analogies and make up your own thing, like "the sounds of stainless steel cutlery sawing through soft sinew, scraping porcelain plates, was the only conversation to be heard." (You're welcome to steal that line if you want.) I loved your description of the chicken of succulent btw.
The dynamic that had ruled the table only a few minutes ago had all but gone <= I'm not sure you really need this sentence. It may be redundant. I'd have to see the previous chapter. If you keep it, "gone" is a boring word. Try "dissipated".
"Anyone would like some real red wine?" <= normal people ask "WOULD ANYONE like" etc. but maybe Mark is an ESL weirdo?
and made the order for the drinks <= MADE is a weird word here. Say instead: PLACED the order.
Do you know who owns this place <= well if you take my previous suggestion, you'll now have three uses of "place" in a row so maybe you can do some substitutions, for variety
mid seventies <= should have a hyphen: mid-seventies
Everything about him said he was a man who was used to be in charge <= "said" feels weird. Try: every detail about him [showed/revealed/bore resemblance to] a man who was etc.
Cassidy whispered to Jake <= missing a period
I'm beginning to have a bad feeling about it all." <= end on a comma since you're connecting it to a sentence afterwards, which is currently a fragment
were studying the remains of their chicken pieces as if they were a specimen <= singular/plural incongruence: pieces (plural), a specimen (singular). Change to "as if they were specimens"
This was exactly what he wanted. The whole atmosphere around the table had changed from one of curiosity to suspicion and heading towards animosity. <= Ditch this. Inner dialogue detracts from intrigue and slows your pacing
Characters: place this section either in your notes, or up in the header, not at the end
Thanks for the read, and now I'm intrigued by this writing project. Ping me back if you make edits so I can revisit the rating!
Best regards,
🦍
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2025
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Thanks, I will look into it all. Ulla
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was well written, Ulla. Now what game is it that Max is playing? He's playing it cool. Just one little error, my friend...below. Take the 's off 'what'. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
do you know what's (what) all this is about
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That was well written, Ulla. Now what game is it that Max is playing? He's playing it cool. Just one little error, my friend...below. Take the 's off 'what'. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
do you know what's (what) all this is about
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
Comment from Begin Again
Good job, Ulla...just enough information to turn the tide on those involved.... Eveyone starting to suspect everyone. Thanks for writing and joining in with us.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2025
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Good job, Ulla...just enough information to turn the tide on those involved.... Eveyone starting to suspect everyone. Thanks for writing and joining in with us.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2025
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I hope someone will sign up for the next chapter. If not, I will continue the story. Thanks a lot for the review. Ulla xxx
Comment from Tim Margetts
I continue to be intrigued and as confused as your dinner guests appear to be, Ulla.
Although I am not about to break into hostilities LOL
This has been an interesting start to this project. I look forward to more.
Tim x
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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I continue to be intrigued and as confused as your dinner guests appear to be, Ulla.
Although I am not about to break into hostilities LOL
This has been an interesting start to this project. I look forward to more.
Tim x
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2025
