Beneath the Tranquil Sheen
Be a swan.86 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Seligman
This poem had amazing imagery. I became lost while reading it, imagining this swan, and was transformed into your shoes. I thought about the swan and what she must have endured, lost, loved, seen. Thanks for sharing this!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2023
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This poem had amazing imagery. I became lost while reading it, imagining this swan, and was transformed into your shoes. I thought about the swan and what she must have endured, lost, loved, seen. Thanks for sharing this!
Comment Written 30-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much for your kind words, Jessica!
Xo
Jessica
Comment from Yardier
A lovely, beautiful poem rippling with metaphor. I really like the serenity with which your words flow. You wove sadness, loss and determination so intricately beneath the service it is barely noticeable, leaving the reader to ponder and experience the beauty of the swan.
All the best, Yard.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2023
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A lovely, beautiful poem rippling with metaphor. I really like the serenity with which your words flow. You wove sadness, loss and determination so intricately beneath the service it is barely noticeable, leaving the reader to ponder and experience the beauty of the swan.
All the best, Yard.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2023
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Thank you so much! I?m so sorry for my delayed response. I truly appreciate your kind words here.
Xo
Jessica
Comment from Maria Millsaps
This was a wonderful poem to read. The choice of words was wonderfully crafted, appealing to the senses, and leaving a lasting impression. I found it to be imaginative and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
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This was a wonderful poem to read. The choice of words was wonderfully crafted, appealing to the senses, and leaving a lasting impression. I found it to be imaginative and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much!
:)
Jessica
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You are welcome
Comment from Lea Tonin1
Jessica such a wonderful intelligent writer you are always showing in everything you write. This one is no different.
And we should get some of that swans persistence I found it is sent in a positive direction!
There is so much talent out there and on this site that it is sometimes difficult to offer suggestions or critique Especially in the case of your work I just get to go along for the ride. Great work I hope your day is grand!
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
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Jessica such a wonderful intelligent writer you are always showing in everything you write. This one is no different.
And we should get some of that swans persistence I found it is sent in a positive direction!
There is so much talent out there and on this site that it is sometimes difficult to offer suggestions or critique Especially in the case of your work I just get to go along for the ride. Great work I hope your day is grand!
Comment Written 19-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2023
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Lea your words are always kind and appreciated!!
Xoxo
Jess
Comment from Paul Manton
Thank you Jessica, for this lovely poem. The metaphor of a swan is a good choice for our existence - often I say 'Great' when asked how I am - and that is probably true no more than 50% of the time. The amount of information you have used to construct a narrative is impressive and almost certainly correct. Then you have gone on to empathize with the swan and consider that we are very like her. Nice use of alliteration too: 'Her poise provokes a pondering' works really well.
I think that when you got near the finishing line, you were a bit too keen to wrap it up, so in the last stanza, for the first time in the poem, you drop a syllable in the second and final line. On purpose? Fine - but, if not, maybe 'Just think of our existence' and 'Of this sweet/pure swan's persistence.' But maybe there are much better versions that you would write.
A great poem!
Paul
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Thank you Jessica, for this lovely poem. The metaphor of a swan is a good choice for our existence - often I say 'Great' when asked how I am - and that is probably true no more than 50% of the time. The amount of information you have used to construct a narrative is impressive and almost certainly correct. Then you have gone on to empathize with the swan and consider that we are very like her. Nice use of alliteration too: 'Her poise provokes a pondering' works really well.
I think that when you got near the finishing line, you were a bit too keen to wrap it up, so in the last stanza, for the first time in the poem, you drop a syllable in the second and final line. On purpose? Fine - but, if not, maybe 'Just think of our existence' and 'Of this sweet/pure swan's persistence.' But maybe there are much better versions that you would write.
A great poem!
Paul
Comment Written 17-Jun-2023
Comment from Jewell McChesney
Some things are not as they appear,
Some surfaces hide battles,
To simply sit on ponds, swans Bear
A need for frantic paddles.
Wow! I can see why you are a winner of this contest! Beautiful poetry with a storytelling quality. Fitting, of course for your photo! Can't wait to see more.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2023
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Some things are not as they appear,
Some surfaces hide battles,
To simply sit on ponds, swans Bear
A need for frantic paddles.
Wow! I can see why you are a winner of this contest! Beautiful poetry with a storytelling quality. Fitting, of course for your photo! Can't wait to see more.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2023
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Jewell, you honor me with this review! Thank you so much for your kind words and feedback.
Xo
Jessica
Comment from lyenochka
What a lovely picture and I love how you start with the beautiful description of the swan and then draw from it a model of how to persevere elegantly despite what sorrows could hide beneath.
Congratulations on the win!!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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What a lovely picture and I love how you start with the beautiful description of the swan and then draw from it a model of how to persevere elegantly despite what sorrows could hide beneath.
Congratulations on the win!!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thank you, that means so much to me! :)
Xo Jessica
Comment from rama devi
Congrats on winning the contest!
Great message and delivery!
I like how you weave smatterings of alliteration and other poetic devices but don't overload them - so they add musicality without the form 'shouting' above the content.
For example:
Nice alliteraiton of P here:
A path to reach a pond.
And S here, coupled with consonance of W - a harmonic counterpoint:
A swan swims soft and slow,
Fine flow and rhyming. Nice imagery, picture and theme.
Great rhymes here, plus alliteration of G and R and consonance of L:
I watch her gentle, graceful glide,
With burdens not revealed,
Her regal ruse still seems to hide
A loneliness concealed.
Excellent shift in tone here:
What's covered up by beauty's gift?
Has calmness killed her fight?
Do troubles drown beneath her drift?
Will she again take flight?
Superb poetic contrast here (and continued S, P , G and L sounds along with all the Ns:
A natural need to mate for life,
I fear her mate's passed on.
She glides along this pond in strife,
A lovely lonely swan.
Love the shift in tone here too (note one suggestion):
But take no pity on this queen,
Her strength she cannot mask,(.)
Beneath the water's tranquil sheen,
She's surging with a task.
Two favorite lines:
Her poise provokes a pondering
Of fervent efforts under.
I love the voicing and phonics here but the flow is hampered by your punctuation choices, I think:
The stillness in her wandering,
As ripples rise, I wonder,
Her poise provokes a pondering
Of fervent efforts under.
Suggest:
The stillness in her wandering
As ripples rise, I wonder,(...or -- or even :)
Her poise provokes a pondering
Of fervent efforts under.
This is witty, whimsical and wise and made me LOL:
Some things are not as they appear,
Some surfaces hide battles,
To simply sit on ponds, swans bear
A need for frantic paddles.
Perfect closing note with a switch to didactic teaching style. So true, and I love the continued S and P sounds;
When troubles come, stay on the path-
Think of our existence,
If everyone had just one half
Of a swan's persistence.
Good flow and creative rhyming. I particularly applaud battles/paddles and path/half.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Congrats on winning the contest!
Great message and delivery!
I like how you weave smatterings of alliteration and other poetic devices but don't overload them - so they add musicality without the form 'shouting' above the content.
For example:
Nice alliteraiton of P here:
A path to reach a pond.
And S here, coupled with consonance of W - a harmonic counterpoint:
A swan swims soft and slow,
Fine flow and rhyming. Nice imagery, picture and theme.
Great rhymes here, plus alliteration of G and R and consonance of L:
I watch her gentle, graceful glide,
With burdens not revealed,
Her regal ruse still seems to hide
A loneliness concealed.
Excellent shift in tone here:
What's covered up by beauty's gift?
Has calmness killed her fight?
Do troubles drown beneath her drift?
Will she again take flight?
Superb poetic contrast here (and continued S, P , G and L sounds along with all the Ns:
A natural need to mate for life,
I fear her mate's passed on.
She glides along this pond in strife,
A lovely lonely swan.
Love the shift in tone here too (note one suggestion):
But take no pity on this queen,
Her strength she cannot mask,(.)
Beneath the water's tranquil sheen,
She's surging with a task.
Two favorite lines:
Her poise provokes a pondering
Of fervent efforts under.
I love the voicing and phonics here but the flow is hampered by your punctuation choices, I think:
The stillness in her wandering,
As ripples rise, I wonder,
Her poise provokes a pondering
Of fervent efforts under.
Suggest:
The stillness in her wandering
As ripples rise, I wonder,(...or -- or even :)
Her poise provokes a pondering
Of fervent efforts under.
This is witty, whimsical and wise and made me LOL:
Some things are not as they appear,
Some surfaces hide battles,
To simply sit on ponds, swans bear
A need for frantic paddles.
Perfect closing note with a switch to didactic teaching style. So true, and I love the continued S and P sounds;
When troubles come, stay on the path-
Think of our existence,
If everyone had just one half
Of a swan's persistence.
Good flow and creative rhyming. I particularly applaud battles/paddles and path/half.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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I am truly grateful for your keen eye and thoughtful analysis here!
I'm so glad you found that my intended message was effectively conveyed.
I'm thrilled you picked up on and appreciated my use of poetic devices and nuances.
Your suggested modifications were excellent. I will revise with them in mind. Thank you so much.
Your review made my night.
Xo
Jessica.
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Whee! What a lovely response (which makes my night!) So pleased you found it helpful.
Big warm smiles,
rd
xxoo
Comment from papa55mike
It's amazing how many birds mate for life and are lost without their mates. What a wonderfully written poem. Congrats on the win!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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It's amazing how many birds mate for life and are lost without their mates. What a wonderfully written poem. Congrats on the win!
Have a great day, and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much! Truly appreciate your feedback.
Xo
Jessica
Comment from HarryT
A very imaginative write personifying human qualities upon a lonely swan.
Enjoy the read and the rhyming. The four-line stanzas work well. An excellent job of interpreting a photograph.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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A very imaginative write personifying human qualities upon a lonely swan.
Enjoy the read and the rhyming. The four-line stanzas work well. An excellent job of interpreting a photograph.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2023
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2023
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Thank you so much! Truly appreciate your feedback.
Xo
Jessica
