I'll bet you would never believe that in the course of three hours time, I became unemployed, a jilted lover, and a brand new first time mother. Gratuitous pat on the back, I didn't miss a beat.

Before I try to suck you further into my "never a dull moment" life, I want to properly introduce myself. My name is Miranda Jessup Buckley. Just your nothing special kind of girl. My highlight year was fifth grade. I was the first girl at Flanders Elementary school to get breasts. And, I'm not talking cute little buds that wink coyly at you from under a t shirt. I'm talking under wire bra from hell boobs. I was a hit until the eighth grade, when at that point, every other girl had their own set.

School never interested me. I wasn't a scholar and spent most of my academic career thinking about anything but my studies.

I had no more interest in college than a bald man has in a comb. Career day was just an opportunity to get out of class. I walked from table to table vaguely listening to them ramble about their said careers. Took their pamphlets and dropped them in the trash on the way out.

Some people start working toward a goal in high school. Not me. No career or higher education path beckoned me. A wonderfully inspiring teacher once compared me to a plastic bag that blows randomly around a parking lot. "You have no idea where it will go and to no one's surprise, neither does it." I figured he meant I was carefree. I liked it. It sounded good to me. For a while I even bought into the whole "all who wander are not lost" bullshit.

I was lost. Very, very lost.

Which leads me to my first mistake as a pseudo adult. Letting Farley Buckley give me a ride home from a party when I was nineteen.

Farley had been a couple of years ahead of me in school. He was fairly good looking with blonde curls that fell into his blue eyes, giving him a mysterious appeal.

We really didn't have much in common other than we both liked the same beer and laughed hysterically at inappropriate things. One thing led to another and, in my desperate attempt to feel like I had a plan, I said yes when he asked me to marry him.

He didn't get down on one knee, just set his beer down on the table at Stokes Billiard Room and said, "Randa, I think we should get married."

I told him he was crazy or drunk or both but he persisted.

"This has been on my mind. It ain't the beer. We have fun together. We're crazy about each other. It just makes sense."

Looking back I should have realized the red flag in his confession. He never said he loved me. I should have said no, don't think so, better luck next time. But I didn't. I said yes.

So the wedding plans began. I planned the whole thing, proudly telling anyone who would listen that Farley and I were getting married, not because I was knocked up but because we wanted to.

Farley wasn't real helpful with the wedding plans. But he did have big plans for his bachelor party. Another red flag that I missed was the fact Farley and the owner of Llarado's Gentlemens Club was real good friends. I trusted Farley. Trusted him to look but not touch. Now I see that was like trusting the fox to guard the hen house.

Two days before our wedding, some chick, who wouldn't identify herself, called me. She said that Farley had slept with not one but three of the dancers from Llarado's the night of his bachelor party.

Of course, my trust in him never faltered. How dare some bimbo cast a shadow of doubt on my future husband. Why would she do that? Was she jealous?

Two years into our marriage, there's a young woman ( former Llarado's dancer) knocking on the door to our trailer.

"Tell your man that I'm gonna take him to court if he doesn't start paying child support again."

Standing there, my jaw ready to hit the floor, all I could think to say was, "Who are you?"

She tosses her glossy blonde hair over her shoulder and shakes her head. "You really are as dumb as he said."

So, there you have it. Have I gotten your attention? Do you want more? Cause, lawd, I got more to tell.

For instance, why did I stay married to that cheater for nine more years? I gave a vow of for better or worse. It was like the flip of a coin. Maybe it was just a one time thing.

Heads, he never does it again. Tails, this is just the first time I find out.

Pour yourself a stiff one because this ride has just begun.



To be continued ...