Why Must I Suffer?

I have been without her for nearly a year,
a house divided did not stand.
Why must I suffer as He knows I have chosen
to love Him first, forever.
Whoa is me and all my trouble,
constantly shifting my focus.
My time spent within thoughts that pacify
and entangle my longing spirit.

He surrounds me and holds my head up,
not wanting me to stare at my own self,
at my still feet, stagnant in my walk.
Yet I press away from his loving hands
to gaze downward.
I have relished in the foul remnants
that lay before me.
Taunting me with fear.

Why must I suffer?

I have done his work and given my time.
I repent and make the effort to turn
from my wicked ways.
I have forgiven those who trespass against me.
I have filled the offering plate
with all that was with me.
I give my children every minute.
Loving, teaching and comforting them.

Why must I suffer?
I want His will to be done
and my comfort is more of Him in me.
So why must I suffer?
Does He punish me when I look away, into the past
or into the fleshly looking glass?
So full of enticement and carnal warmth.
But I love and choose Him.

Why must I suffer?

... through a precious Jewell, he came to me with an answer:

You suffer even as you are covered in my armor
because you do not pick up the sword.
Although you align yourself with an army of fellowship,
you look behind you as the enemy attacks at your front.
You are willing and I see your love
but you have not yet learned to battle.
Your heart is open but your eyes are sewn,
so you do not see.
You are not active in defending yourself
as your sword lay beside you.
Pick it up and learn to fight.
These are my words and my love for you.
Take comfort in me.
Take action with my Word.

Psalm 118:18
The lord has chastened me severely
But he has not given me over to death